DWP! Fantasy Football 2007 - Congrats Warped!

Posted by Brandon |

Congratulations to Warped on his DWP! Fantasy Football 2007 Super Bowl victory. The Cinderella story is complete. From the fourth seed to the championship - what a journey. And he made it look easy knocking off johnnyhongkong 90-47 behind 29 Donovan McNabb points and another 18 from Frank Gore. Poor jhk had maybe his worst game at the worst time. Other than Ryan Grant, his reliance on Green Bay killed him as did the injury to Willie Parker on Thursday night. Bad, bad timing.

So Brandon, tell him what he's won....A wonderful basket of fine coffees and teas from the nation's leading purveyor of fine coffee and tea! I will email you soon to get your address and I'll get it on out to you. Also, CK Lions, I never sent you anything from your victory last year, so feel free to email me and I'll get something out to you as well.

In other playoff news, Snackiesonics took third place by knocking off the Lions 112-76. Quite the surprise given that she was at the bottom of the league most of the time last season. Too bad she had her worst week last week or she would be enjoying some fine coffee and tea herself.

The winner of the consolation bracket was CineRobots thanks to a 98-86 victory over DutchBitch Drama. After starting 0-4, CineRobots went 9-3 to finish the season and 7-1 with in his last eight.

Finally, my Down With Pants! team ended up right where they belonged, in eighth place as the worst playoff team. Roast Ducks and Peyton Manning had a harder time beating me than expected but they still pulled out the victory 99-98 to take seventh place.

Here's the whole slate of scores complete with leading scorers...

#4 Warped - 90 - Donovan McNabb - 29 points
#3 johnnyhongkong - 47 - Ryan Grant - 16 points

Snackiesonics - 112 - Tom Brady - 21 points
#2 CK Lions - 76 - Curtis/Titans Defense - 19 points

#6 CineRobots - 98 - Ben Roethlisberger - 29 points
DutchBitch Drama - 86 - Kenny Watson - 19 points

Roast Ducks - 99 - Peyton Manning - 30 points
#7 DOWN WITH PANTS! - 89 - Maurice Jones-Drew - 19 points

Now, the DWP! Fantasy Football 2007 All-Pros...

First team:
QB - Tom Brady - Snackiesonics
RB - LaDainian Tomlinson - Snackiesonics
RB - Brian Westbrook - CK Lions
WR - Randy Moss - DutchBitch Drama
WR - Terrell Owens - Snackiesonics
WR - Braylon Edwards - Snackiesonics
TE - Jason Witten - Warped
K - Mason Crosby - johnnyhongkong
DEF - Chargers - DutchBitch Drama

Second Team:
QB - Tony Romo - johnnyhongkong
RB - Brian Westbrook - CK Lions
RB - Joseph Addai - DutchBitch Drama
WR - Reggie Wayne - Kapgar's Kapitans
WR - T.J. Houshmandzadeh - DutchBitch Drama
WR - Greg Jennings - johnnyhongkong
TE - Antonio Gates - CK Lions
K - Rob Bironas - DutchBitch Drama
DEF - Patriots - Kapgar's Kapitans

Honorable Mention:
QB - Peyton Manning - Roast Ducks
QB - Ben Roethlisberger - CineRobots
RB - Adrian Peterson - CineRobots
RB - Jamal Lewis - Roast Ducks
WR - Chad Johnson - CineRobots
WR - Larry Fitzgerald - johnnyhongkong
WR - Marques Colston - sinkintothepacific
TE - Tony Gonzalez - sinkintothepacific
K - Nick Folk - Snackiesonics
DEF - Seahawks - Snackisonics

Notice two things...One: This is based almost solely on fantasy points scored and it's almost totally dominated by the top four teams. Two: except for our Super Bowl champion, Warped, who placed only one guy on the three teams. It came down to shrewd waiver wire moves, consistency and balance across the board, and a certain amount of good timing and luck.

Again congrats go out to Warped, our Super Bowl Champion. Nice work!

Now my reason to watch football is over. I really only care about fantasy football, I could care less about the real games. I guess I'll just have to root for New England to make it to the Super Bowl and then have their perfect season crushed by the Seahawks.


Merry Christmas!

Posted by Brandon |

Merry Christmas from sunny Ventura! This is Christmas weather?

By the way....I do actually feel a little bad rubbing our amazing Christmas weather in your faces. But just a little.


Ride Sally Ride?

Posted by Brandon |

Can somebody, anybody, please explain the popularity of the song "Mustang Sally" to me? Go to any wedding - or in this case, Christmas party - if there's a DJ, chances are he'll eventually throw down "Mustang Sally" and the dance floor will fill up with 50 year olds. It's like musical crack for baby boomers. I don't get it.


DWP! Fantasy Football 2007 - Playoffs

Posted by Brandon |

Crash and burn.

That's what the favorites, Snackiesonics and CK Lions did this week, crash and burn.

#4 seed Warped didn't rock the world with his 77 points, but just like in the regular season, he did enough to win. It helped that Tom Brady, Terrell Owens, Braylon Edwards and Marion Barber all had one of their worst games for Snackiesonics. Only one of her players broke double digits (Tomlinson - 23) while four Warped players scored ten or more points with Donovan McNabb leading the way with 19.

And #3 seed johnnyhongkong did basically the same thing. His 76 points were enough to hold off CK Lions even with Tony Romo and his pathetic game. Mason Crosby, the Green Bay kicker, scored a game high 19 points for Warped and essentially was the difference maker. Until this week, he averaged 9.7 points per game. If he just scored his average, jhk either ties or wins by one (depending on your rounding). Kickers sometimes are neglected members of fantasy teams, but here's an example of how they can help.

In other games, DutchBitch Drama broke her losing streak thanks to a kicker (Bironas - 15) and a defense (Chargers - 19) and picked up an 83-77 win over Roast Ducks. CineRobots thawed out and walloped my DWP! squad 110-64. I hate my team.

Here's the whole slate of scores complete with leading scorers...

#4 Warped - 77 - Donovan McNabb - 19 points
#1 Snackiesonics - 52 - LaDainian Tomlinson - 23 points

#3 johnnyhongkong - 76 - Mason Crosby - 19 points
#2 CK Lions (10-3-1) - 65 - Carson Palmer - 16 points

#5 DutchBitch Drama - 83 - Chargers Defense - 19 points
#8 Roast Ducks (5-9) - 77 - Jamal Lewis - 17 points

#6 CineRobots - 110 - Ben Roethlisberger - 24 points
#7 DOWN WITH PANTS! - 64 - Earnest Graham - 17 points

Let the hype begin....It's Super Bowl Week!
(3) johnnyhongkong vs.
(4) Warped

Here's a position by position breakdown of the Super Bowl...

QB: McNabb (Warped) vs. Romo (johnnyhongkong)
Romo had a bad, bad game, it's true. But as long as Jessica is far, far away from Carolina this week, Tony should outscore McNabb despite Donovan's resurgence. Advantage: johnnyhongkong

WR: Marshall, Berrian, Galloway (W) vs. Jennings, Branch and Fitzgerald (jhk)
Marshall has been solid lately, with Kyle Orton at QB Berrian doesn't have much worth and Galloway should improve on his seven yards last week, but Jennings, Branch and Fitzgerald all are touchdown machines. Two things to watch: Fitzgerald's groin injury and Marshall plays on Monday and might need to rack up some clutch points. Advantage: johnnyhongkong

RB: James, Gore (W) vs. Grant, Parker (jhk)
James and Gore have racked up some yards, but only have 11 touchdowns between them. Grant has scored five touchdowns in his last four games for a total of six on the season while Parker surprisingly has only two touchdowns this season. Advantage: Even

TE: Witten (W) vs. Scheffler (jhk)
Witten, right now, is the best tight end in the NFL. Advantage: Warped

K: Gostkowski (W) vs. Crosby (jhk)
Crosby has better numbers but plays in Chicago this week with possible harsh weather conditions but against a good defense, he might get some chances. Gostkowski plays in Miami and the weather will be good, but New England might score at will and his only points will come from extra points. Hard to figure this one. Advantage: Even

Defense: Jacksonville (Warped) vs. Green Bay (jhk)
The Jags play pitiful Oakland while Green Bay plays pitiful Chicago. Advantage: Even

On the surface, this looks like it should be johnnyhongkong's game, but Warped has some players that could make it very interesting. He's going to need McNabb to build on his recent success, Gore to quite being so inconsistent and Witten to dominate like he has the last few weeks. Of course, if Witten does dominate, it means points for Romo. Fantasy is weird like that. Anyway, it might all come down to Monday night when Brandon Marshall goes for Warped and Tony Scheffler goes for johnnyhongkong.

My prediction - final score: johnnyhongkong 98, Warped 89

3rd place game:
(1) Snackiesonics vs.
(2) CK Lions

I really don't see how Snackiesonics can be held down two straight weeks. This week was just tremendously bad timing on the part of her stars. Brady and Edwards won't have to play in such awful weather and Owens will nag his way to some more points. My prediction - final score: snackiesonics 105, CK Lions 86

Fifth place game:
(5) DutchBitch Drama vs.
(6) CineRobots

Prediction: Roethlisberger goes nuts at St. Louis, Peterson shreds the Redskins and Chad Johnson acts the fool at Cleveland. Final score: CineRobots 99, DBD 72

Seventh place game:
(7) Roast Ducks

Prediction: I shouldn't even be here. Manning is still the man. Final Score: Roast Ducks 78, DWP! 48


What a Croc

Posted by Brandon |

I'll never forget the looks on the faces of the band The Long Winters one night at the Crocodile Cafe.

It was just John Roderick and Sean Nelson with an acoustic guitar and some kind of percussion on stage playing a handful of songs off of their first album, When I Pretend To Fall as openers for They Might Be Giants. In the middle of the song It'll Be a Breeze, Roderick sang with the utmost sincerity the lyric "I am a tree, build a nest in my hair". I heard the line loud and clear and thought it was pretty lame and I smiled, but I let it go. Death? also heard the line loud and clear but immediately let out a big, strong laugh that pierced the semi-silence.

As soon as the song ended, both Long Winters looked at each other and I think it was Roderick who said with a bewildered look on his face, "that song wasn't intended to be funny." We both snickered because it was clear that he was not happy at all with her laugh, she had just insulted his pretty (crappy) poetry. Intended or not, that line was funny because of the seriousness in which it was delivered. Sometimes it's fun to laugh at "Artistes".

Today, the Crocodile Cafe, the great Seattle music institution that was small and intimate enough to facilitate this anecdote and many, many others for many, many people, closed it's doors. It's just another sad and disheartening day for those of us who love old Seattle.

Chances are, the Croc will be back, hopefully this is just temporary. But would it really surprise anybody if this truly is the future of the Croc?

Photo by Flickr user TPLY.



Posted by Brandon |

The Golden Globes announced their nominees today and I was shocked and dismayed to see John Travolta's name listed in the Supporting Actor category for his role as Edna Turnblad in this summer's neutered Hairspray musical.

Are Death? & I the only people that hated this movie? I thought it was terrible, they butchered the original movie and they butchered the stage musical. I've never seen the stage version but Death? has and she said that they changed details to give it a much more squeaky clean plot that avoids some of the more thorny, interesting issues. And I believe her. Just one listen to the soundtrack and you can tell that they bailed out on some of the more important topics to attract more pre-teen, Zac Efron loving, Disney kids.

And one of those topics is Edna Turnblad. Travolta played her character in a way that didn't do Divine or Harvey Fierstein or Edna Turnblad justice. The point of Edna is that she's a big, ugly, frumpy woman who has given up and is scared of how the world views her and she projects those fears onto her daughter Tracey, who has no such hangups. The rejection of herself as a scared, worthless, frumpy housewife and her transformation into a strong, confident in herself, diva is one of the more important themes of the original movie and the stage show.

Travolta didn't understand the character and at his insistence, he turned Edna into a woman that isn't that far off looks-wise from some bigger women that all of us know. Other than the horrible job they did with the eyes of the fat suit, Travolta was never ugly nor frumpy nor that terribly big. And he played her as a wide-eyed, naive, practically retarded woman that looks on in amazement and wonder as she gets dragged along with Tracey. There is no tension between the two, there is no fight in Edna, and the transformation is too easy, too simple, too willing and loses all of it's originally intended meaning.

And then there's the voice. Travolta's sorry attempt at a woman's voice is half of what makes his version of Edna so insulting. He goes with a meek, un-authoritative, disingenuous, I'm-a-man-doing-a-woman's-voice-how-cute, voice. Divine and Harvey Fierstein didn't have to do a voice. They spoke as themselves, as Edna Turnblad. And it was believable, it fit the character, it fit who she was all along. The voice was as important to the character as any of the fat rolls or the frumpiness. But Travolta's voice is just there. It's weak and is another indication that Travolta never understood who he was playing.

What is this obsession with Travolta? He has proven himself over and over again as a hack that happens to get lucky every now and then. His stinkers far outweigh his successes and nobody owes him anything. A fading star in the gimic role of wearing a fat suit to play a female should not warrant an automatic nomination when there were so many other deserving actors snubbed in favor of this abomination.

Travolta does not deserve to win this award and did not deserve to even be nominated. How in the world could he be nominated over No Country For Old Men's Tommy Lee Jones or Josh Brolin? Even co-star Christopher Walken deserved it more for his portrayal of Wilbur Turnblad.

But Travolta? Anybody but Travolta.


DWP! Fantasy Football 2007 - Week 14

Posted by Brandon |

The regular season is over. Long live the regular season!

It came down to the wire to see who would make the championship round of the playoffs. It came down to four teams: johnnyhongkong, Warped, DutchBitch Drama and CineRobots.

Snackiesonics quickly finished off the long shot CineRobots 141-51 to leave three playoff contenders. Roast Ducks and Peyton Manning did their best to knock off Warped but came up a little bit short and Warped clinched a playoff spot with their 126-104 victory.

So the last playoff spot came down to two one game, johnnyhongkong vs. DutchBitch Drama. Winner's in, loser's out (maybe). It didn't even turn out to be a contest as Dutchy continued her jinxed ways by losing her third straight game. Paced by Tony Romo's 25 points, johnnyhongkong clinched the third playoff spot with a 122-89 drubbing.

Even more clutch than johnnyhongkong's victory was the performance of the Down With Pants! crew. Needing a win to move into the consolation bracket, Matt Hasselbeck finally came through with 34 points leading DWP! to a 110-77 smackdown of Kapgar's Kapitans - on his birthday week no less. Other than that, the other three consolation teams - DutchBitch Drama, CineRobots and Roast Ducks - all backed into the loser's bracket. Go me!

Here's the whole slate of scores complete with leading scorers...

johnnyhongkong (9-4-1) - 122 - Tony Romo - 25 points
DutchBitch Drama (8-6) - 89 - Moss/Addai - 25 points

Warped (8-4-2) - 126 - Brandon Marshall - 24 points
Roast Ducks (5-9) - 104 - Peyton Manning - 33 points

Snackiesonics (10-3-1) - 141 - Tom Brady - 39 points
CineRobots (7-7) - 51 - Ben Roethlisberger - 15 points

CK Lions (10-3-1) - 104 - Burress/Taylor/Colts D - 19 points
sinkintothepacific (5-9) - 76 - Sage Rosenfels - 22 points

Turbo Chic - (4-9-1) - 89 - Kurt Warner - 21 points
Honea Express (5-9) - 42 - Derek Anderson - 17 points

DOWN WITH PANTS! (5-8-1) - 110 - Matt Hasselbeck - 34 points
Kapgar's Kapitans (4-9-1) - 77 - Brett Favre - 20 points

Now it's time for the DWP! Fantasy Football Playoffs. The Championship bracket looks like this....

(1) Snackiesonics vs.
(4) Warped

It's a Warped team that has been cobbled together and made the playoffs without one bit time star versus the most star-studded team in the league. Prediction: Tom Brady, Terrell Owens and LaDainian Tomlinson will be too much for David Garrard. Final score: Snackiesonics 111, Warped 95

(2) CK Lions vs.
(3) johnnyhongkong

Defending champ CK Lions comes into the playoffs with a five game winning streak but was outscored overall by johnnyhongkong. The game will probably come down to quarterbacks. If Carson Palmer can have a good game, CK Lions has the advantage and johnnyhongkong needs Tony Romo to perform. Prediction: Hard one to figure, but I just get the feeling jhk will upset CK Lions. Final score: johnnyhongkong 98, CK Lions 91

Don't forget the consolation bracket...

(5) DutchBitch Drama vs.
(8) Roast Ducks

Prediction: Peyton Manning goes off, Kitna fizzles. Final score: Roast Ducks 89, DBD 75

(6) CineRobots vs.
(7) Down With Pants!

Prediction: CineRobots won't have power or internet access and still knock off my sorry squad. Final Score: CineRobots 78, DWP! 67

Good luck to all and thanks everybody for a great regular season. Sorry to those who didn't make it. Better luck next year.


DWP! Gift Guide: Bacon Salt!

Posted by Brandon |

The Down With Pants! Christmas gift guide consists of one item this year....


Oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god. Fat free, zero calorie, vegetarian, kosher seasoning salt that makes everything taste like bacon? How did it take me this long to discover?

I got my shipment today and I'm here to tell you that this stuff is good. I mixed it into my macaroni and cheese tonight and sure enough, it tasted like bacon macaroni and cheese. Delicious. I can't wait to try it on a steak or a burger or some french fries or salmon or.....whatever else! The running joke at home or the office since I discovered it is "you know what would go great on ________? BACON SALT!" On the Bacon Salt website and the Bacon Salt blog, you can find all sorts of recipes like spaghetti carbonara, bacon mayonnaise and Bacon Salt scrambled eggs. The possibilities are endless.

So if you are struggling to find that one last gift for your family, friends or coworkers - here it is. Who doesn't agree with their mantra that "everything should taste like bacon"?


Neener Neener Neener

Posted by Brandon |

While most of y'all are dealing with rain and snow and floods and whatnot, I am still enjoying sunshine and fresh fruit and veggies at our farmer's market. Enjoy...suckers.

I've probably just jinxed myself and we'll be struck by an earthquake or a tsunami or more fires. Thanks Brandon!


Five Star Schmidtchen

Posted by Brandon |

As you know, I'm a big Yelper. I love that site. A social networking site and review site all wrapped up into one big package.

One thing that really frustrates Yelpers is when one of two thing happens: A company starts Astroturfing - in this instance a public relations tactic of posting staged/fake reviews for a business. Or when a business solicits their customers to post glowing reviews for them. I appreciate that customers say nice things about them, but it still rings false - perhaps it's actually sock-puppeteering, I don't know. Either way, it hurts the genuine grassroots integrity of all review sites to have semi-bogus tactics like these infiltrate the site.

Recently a batch of reviews were posted for a realtor in Santa Barbara named Kevin Schmidtchen. I have no proof that there is any wrong-doing on his part. According to an email that he replied to sent by a fellow Yelper, he just asked his customers to write reviews on a couple of different sites. I suppose that's fine, if it's true. But the reviews are so full of praise and so glowing that they ring totally false. They all look incredibly fishy.

So as someone who loves to follow the crowd, I had to post my own review of Kevin Schmidtchen in the talk threads. And here it is....

"Kevin Schmidtchen makes the world go round. He makes the sun and the stars shine. His touch alone can heal the sick and the wounded and makes blind men see. He's the twinkle in the eye of a child on Christmas. When he speaks, presidents and kings, dictators and despots, the Pope and the Dalai Lama, Mother Nature and Father Time all crook their ears to listen. And when he sells a home, he lights up the Yelp world with the brightest five star reviews ever written.

Kevin Schmidtchen is love, and love is Kevin Schmidtchen"

Not to be oudone, Lemonjelly l. also posted her own review....

"Kevin Schmidtchen sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled real estate advertising ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Kevin roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month. Expect a 5 star recommendation from the devil shortly."

Perhaps I'll be getting my first cease-and-desist email sometime soon.


Would You Rather

Posted by Brandon |

If you had to pick one, would you rather your daughter grow up to be a Real Housewife of Orange County or a Girl Next Door?

Neither is NOT an acceptable answer.


DWP! Fantasy Football - Week 13

Posted by Brandon |

With big wins this week Snackiesonics and CK Lions have clinched a spot in the championship playoff series.

Snackiesonics owned Warped with a 121-84 victory thanks to 31 points from LT and 20 or more points out of her three other studs. Warped dropped his third straight game and is now currently tied for the final playoff spot.

Which leads us to CK Lions and DutchBitch Drama. In a much closer, hard fought game, CK Lions got an 81-75 win, his fourth straight. The defending champion stumbled a little bit but is now making a solid run. DutchBitch Drama loses her second game in a row and is tied with Warped with a spot in the playoffs on the line this week.

CineRobots continues his amazing last season run knocking off johnnyhongkong 103-93. johnnyhongkong is currently in third place but has yet to clinch a playoff spot and could really use a win this week to guarantee himself a spot. CineRobots may still have a shot at the playoffs, I may have written his chances off too soon. All of these ties are confusing the situation.

Here's the whole slate of scores complete with leading scorers...

Snackiesonics (9-3-1) - 121 - LaDainian Tomlinson - 31 points
Warped (7-4-2) - 84 - David Garrard - 20 points

CK Lions (9-3-1) - 81 - Brian Westbrook - 19 points
DutchBitch Drama (8-5) - 75 - Chargers Defense - 20 points

CineRobots (7-6) - 103 - Roethlisberger/Jackson - 22 points
johnnyhongkong (8-4-1) - 93 - Tony Romo - 34 points

sinkintothepacific (5-78) - 81 - Petersen/Gonzalez - 14 points
DOWN WITH PANTS! (4-8-1) - 64 - Earnest Graham - 19 points

Roast Ducks (5-8) - 107 - Peyton Manning - 33 points
Turbo Chic - (3-9-1) - 86 - Torry Holt - 19 points

Honea Express (5-8) - 92 - Hines Ward - 21 points
Kapgar's Kapitans (4-8-1) - 80 - Reggie Wayne - 21 points

Three, maybe four teams still have a shot at two playoff spots. Warped plays the weakest team of the bunch, Roast Ducks, but anything is possible for Roast Ducks with Peyton Manning at the helm. CineRobots has the toughest road to hoe taking on Snackiesonics. But the big game of the week has to be johnnyhongkong versus DutchBitch Drama. Chances are, winner's in, loser's out.

Here are the matchups in week twelve. League rank in parentheses...

Snackiesonics (1) vs. CineRobots (6)
CK Lions (2) vs. sinkintothepacific (8)
johnnyhongkong (3) vs. DutchBitch Drama (5)
Warped (4) vs. Roast Ducks (7)
Honea Express (9) vs. Turbo Chic (12)
Kapgar's Kapitans (10) vs. DOWN WITH PANTS! (11)


Ramping Up the Crazy

Posted by Brandon |

I was flipping through the channels last night and landed on one of my favorite guilty pleasures, the Trinity Broadcast Network. Usually what I see on TBN is laughable, at least to me. I'm constantly amazed at what these lunatics say and how they try to trick and scam people out of their money all in the name of The Lord. It's ridiculous, I know, and sadly a lot of people get suckered by them, but I still enjoy laughing at them because I can totally dismiss their real influence.

But last night I came across a program on TBN that really bothered me. While the adult part of TBN is funny, JCTV - the youth part of TBN - is genuinely scary. The Christian youth that are featured on JCTV shows are so much more zealous and militaristic and much more unsettling than other TBN programs. These are the Christians that scare me, not the shady pimps like Benny Hinn and Paula White.

The show that I saw was from a church in Alabama called The Ramp. The Ramp is the brainchild of Karen Wheaton and is basically a massive youth group gathering. There is preaching, singing, interpretive dance, more preaching, dramas and whatnot. Most of the proceedings are led by The Chosen...

A group of super-duper-Christian youth that dress in army fatigues the majority of the time. Why the fatigues? Simple, they are an army. An army for God that needs to take back America. That's very much an reoccurring theme on The Ramp...

An army of warriors, that's really what they consider themselves. And who makes up this army of warriors? Impressionable, prideful and overly righteous teenagers, of course. That's a given...

Teenagers are perfectly happy getting labeled as something, Holy included. Every teenager wants to feel a part of something important. Every teenager wants to be a soldier for something if it doesn't involved getting killed.

But apparently, they are making warriors out of even the littlest ones...

I'm sure a lot of you saw Jesus Camp. I have yet to see it for various reasons, mainly because it creeps me out. Seeing kids manipulated like this bothers me. I don't think they really know what is going on or why they are doing what they are doing. They are just copying their brothers and sisters, repeating what they have been told. And their brothers and sisters are extra creepy...

All I have to say is "Wha?" The weapon room of heaven? I sure as hell hope that if I go to heaven, which is totally iffy considering I don't particularly believe in heaven, or hell for that matter, that there isn't a weapon room. I suppose their version of heaven is a little bit different than mine.

Don't count your chickens before they hatch - you haven't won anything yet.

Growing up I always thought that my generation and generations to come, as a natural progression of education, enlightenment and freedom, would become more and more liberal. I figured that the old rat bastards would die out and be replaced gradually by us, and things would inevitably improve.

I still have hope. One of the great things about America is that the climate can change very rapidly. The middle just can't make up it's mind, thankfully. But with every new zealot that comes along and forms a church like The Ramp that entices and manipulates children like they do, a little bit of that hope gets chipped away.

Just remember kids, Christians are not victims in this country, no matter what they say. There is nothing rebellious in becoming a right-wing conservative nut.


iTunes Blackout

Posted by Brandon |

Damn you iTunes. I went to download an album tonight only to find that I needed to upgrade my iTunes to the lastest version. First of all, I hate that you have to go through and totally and completely download and reinstall iTunes when they do an upgrade. Not that it matters to me anymore.

With their latest upgrade, iTunes no longer supports anything other than XP or Vista for Windows leaving me in the iTunes dark. We still run Windows 2000, which is ridiculous, I know, but it's what we have and I don't plan on spending however many dollars for XP or Vista until we get around to buying a new computer, and that won't be for a little while even though we could use one. There are a ton of other purchases to make before that.

So I can't download music from iTunes anymore. I guess that's OK, I've been feeling bad about my iTunes purchases anyway. We have a great independent music store in town and in this day and age, stores like Salzers need any help they can get. But it's still a bummer. I had a list of songs that I wanted to download that I sure as hell won't be buying the albums that they are on.

So thanks iTunes! I guess you're happy losing all of us pre-XP operating system users business. Where in the world am I supposed to find Naughty By Nature's O.P.P. now?


Project Runway Season Four

Posted by Brandon |

Is anybody watching this season of Project Runway? I haven't read a whole lot about it yet around the blogsphere and was wondering if anybody even really cares.

I think it's been pretty good through the first three weeks and most everybody is interesting. I have a couple questions though...

1. Can this season be any gayer?
2. Can the contestants wear any more hats?
3. Can Jack, the HIV positive, bodybuilding, gay, model, look any more roided out?
4. Can someone please kick Christian in the ass?

One quick tip to make it even more fun to watch: Whenever Ricky - the multi-hatted wonder - does anything good or starts crying, let out a big "Choo-Choo" and make the train whistle motion in honor of the conductors hat he wears. It sounds weird, but it works.


DWP! Fantasy Football - Week 12

Posted by Brandon |

What a wild week at the top of the Down With Pants! Fantasy Football League leader board. Is any team going to step up and take control of this thing?

We had perhaps the upset of the year with last place Turbo Chic taking down the league's #1 team, Snackiesonics, 97-96. The #2 team last week, DutchBitch Drama started bragging about her and Hilly leading the league last week and then promptly dropped a decision to the red hot but eliminated CineRobots 67-79. Can you say jinx?

And while the ladies were struggling to stay on top, johnnyhongkong and CK Lions took care of business and now find themselves in a three way tie with Snackiesonics. CK Lions easily dispatched my crummy DWP! team, 105-87 behind 27 Carson Palmer points while johnnyhongkong came up huge against fellow playoff contender Warped, 124-108. Frank Gore finally came alive for Warped with 32 points but it wasn't quite enough to hold off Larry Fitzgerald (27 points), Ryan Grant (19 points) and the rest of johnnyhongkong's team.

Here's the whole slate of scores complete with leading scorers...

johnnyhongkong (8-3-1) - 124 - Larry Fitzgerald - 27 points
Warped (7-3-2) - 108 - Frank Gore - 32 points

Turbo Chic - (3-8-1) - 97 - Matt Schaub - 18 points
Snackiesonics (8-3-1) - 96 - Tom Brady - 22 points

Honea Express (4-8) - 94 - Andre Hall - 21 points
sinkintothepacific (4-8) - 67 - Cowboys Defense - 20 points

Roast Ducks (4-8) - 85 - Peyton Manning - 26 points
Kapgar's Kapitans (4-7-1) - 60 - Brett Favre - 31 points

CineRobots (6-6) - 79 - Chad Johnson - 28 points
DutchBitch Drama (8-4) - 67 - Jon Kitna - 12 points

CK Lions (8-3-1) - 86 - Carson Palmer - 27 points
DOWN WITH PANTS! (4-7-1) - 78 - Jason Hanson- 19 points

Only five teams remain in the four team championship series hunt and none of those teams have secured a place in the playoffs yet. Snackiesonics, johnnyhongkong and CK Lions are currently tied for first place at 8-3-1 and Warped and DutchBitch Drama are tied for fourth place but because of points scored, Dutchy is currently on the outside looking in.

But it will all get mixed up even more this week as the top six teams all play each other. Snackiesonics takes on Warped, CK Lions plays DutchBitch Drama and in one of those something has got to give kind of games, CineRobots, winner of four straight games, can play spoiler against johnnyhongkong who has also won four straight.

Here are the matchups for week thirteen. League rank in parentheses...

Snackiesonics (1) vs. Warped (4)
johnnyhongkong (2) vs. CineRobots (6)
CK Lions (3) vs. DutchBitch Drama (5)
Kapgar's Kapitans (7) vs. Honea Express (11)
DOWN WITH PANTS! (8) vs. sinkintothepacific (10)
Roast Ducks (9) vs. Turbo Chic (12)


Scrubs United Takes 2nd Place

Posted by Brandon |

Tonight was the much anticipated playoffs for our soccer team, Scrubs United - named because almost everybody is either a doctor or a nurse or a spouse of doctor or nurse and we all are a bunch of scrubs. We won our first game 4-2 over the second ranked team in the league (we were third) and then tied 1-1 through regulation in the championship game and lost in penalty kicks 3-1. We ended up taking second place.

That's OK, the previous three seasons were terrible as you can see in this post, and to even get to the championship game was an accomplishment for us, and me in particular since I played goalie for basically the first time ever. I had never been in a penalty kick situation so for me to even stop two of their kickers was decent.

Anyway, that's me with my second place medal at the after-party tonight. We didn't know we would be receiving medals and when they brought them out for us, everybody immediately perked up. It kind of felt like we won the game people were so happy. And someone mentioned that they were the exact same medals as the champions got, so there you go.


Yelp Seattle Meme

Posted by Brandon |

I swear to you that I will be back next week with a full week of posts. But in the meantime, here's a meme that I just filled out over on the Yelp Seattle message boards....

1) Who's your favorite Seattle character, living or dead, real or fictional?
John Curley. Have you ever seen him running in Fremont in his little short shorts?

2) What's the best meal you've eaten in the Seattle Area?
Well, maybe not the best, but my favorite is either a Gorditos Wet Burrito or a Ragin Cajun from Other Coast

3) In one sentence, what do you actually do all day in your job?
Sit on my ass, Yelp and occasionally delegate responsibility.

4) Where do you get your coffee?
I work for a coffee company so that's where I get my coffee. I don't put the name of the company anywhere to protect both me and the company.

5) What's the last thing you saw live in a theater?
Music: They Might Be Giants at Ventura Theater. Theatre: Avenue Q in New York.

6) Do you give money to panhandlers?

7) What's your drink?
The Flaming Pantywaist - Bonny Doon Framboise with Sprite Zero. It's awesome, I shit you not.

8) How often do you prepare your own meals?
Five days out of the week, or so.

9) What's your favorite medication?
I don't take any medications

10) What's hanging above your sofa?
In The Well of the Great Wave Kanagawa by Hokusai

11) How much is too much to spend on a haircut?

12) When's bedtime?
1:00 AM to 1:30 AM

13) Brunch: pro or con?
Pro, but I rarely go.

14) What's your thread count?
Couldn't say.

15) What do you hate most about living in the Seattle Area?
Now that I've lived in California, it's the slow driving.

16) What's your brand of jeans?
Levi's. Always has been. I've never owned a pair of jeans that weren't Levi's.

17) When's the last time you drove a car?
This morning.

18) Who should be the next president?
Stephen Colbert

19) PI, Times, Stranger or Weekly?
The Stranger

20) Sonics: stay or go?
As long as Clay Bennett is the owner, they should go. If they stay, I'd prefer them to find local ownership and stay in the Key Arena.

21) What makes someone a Seattle person?
Modesty and being humble. That's what the rain does to a person, especially if you grew up here.

Bonus Question - What do you Love about living in Seattle?
I love those days when it's rained for weeks on end and suddenly it's absolutely beautiful out and despite the fact that it might only be 40 degrees out, people spend the whole day outside enjoying their one glimpse of sun for what could be another few weeks.


DWP! Fantasy Football 2007 - Week 11

Posted by Brandon |

We are getting down to the end of the regular season and the cream has risen to the top. Five of the six top teams notched victories this weekend distancing themselves from the bottom half of the league.

The biggest statement came from Snackiesonics who continued to score at an unbelievable clip with a 150-77 victory over Kapgar's Kapitans. Tom Brady and Terrell Owens led the way with 44 and 41 points adding their names to the record breaking and ever growing list of 40 point performers this season. The victory vaulted her into first place and leaves Kapgar alive for the championship round of the playoffs, but it would be a miracle for the ages for him to make it.

DutchBitch Drama is now in a tie for second place after beating up on my Down With Pants! squad. My sorry group of suckers couldn't beat a team that featured a running back that is out for the season with a blown up knee (Ronnie Brown). No, instead Randy Moss goes off for four touchdowns for 36 points and five other of her players scored in double digits en route to a 103-78 whooping. I hate Randy Moss and I hate my team.

Tied with Dutchy is Warped, who struggled to only his second loss of the season. Donovan McNabb was injured early and ended up with -1 points on the day. I know how a McNabb injury can ruin an otherwise good season, so I wish Warped luck in getting him back quickly. Knocking off Warped, 96-69, was the red hot CineRobots. Their third straight win has kept them in the playoff race.

But the more likely race for the playoffs is between CK Lions and johnnyhongkong, who both picked up victories in week 11 and are tied for the fourth and final playoff spot at 7-3-1 with only three games remaining. Both teams could easily end up out of the playoffs or could end up in first place by the end. The first five teams are so close, anything could happen.

Here's the whole slate of scores complete with leading scorers...

johnnyhongkong (7-3-1) - 111 - Tony Romo - 33 points
Turbo Chic - (2-8-1) - 87 - Matt Schaub - 23 points

sinkintothepacific (4-7) - 73 - Jeff Garcia - 18 points
Roast Ducks (3-8) - 56 - Jamal Lewis - 18 points

DutchBitch Drama (8-3) - 103 - Randy Moss - 36 points
DOWN WITH PANTS! (4-6-1) - 78 - Matt Hasselbeck - 23 points

CK Lions (7-3-1) - 86 - Carson Palmer - 17 points
Honea Express (3-8) - 79 - Benson/Brown - 14 points

Snackiesonics (8-2-1) - 150 - Tom Brady - 44 points
Kapgar's Kapitans (4-6-1) - 77 - Brett Favre - 26 points

CineRobots (5-6) - 96 - Willis McGahee - 18 points
Warped (7-2-2) - 69 - Marshall/Galloway - 14 points

With Turbo Chic, Honea Express, Roast Ducks and sinkintothepacific definitely eliminated from the championship playoff bracket and Down With Pants! and Kapgar's Kapitan's on life support, there are a lot of teams that could play spoiler for the six teams currently battling for four playoff spots. In week 12, cellar dwelling Turbo Chic could hurt Snackiesonics and DWP! could cripple CK Lions.

But the games to watch this week are between the contenders. CineRobots tries to keep hope alive against DutchBitch Drama while johnnyhongkong goes for his fourth straight win and improve his playoff position against Warped.

Here are the matchups in week twelve. League rank in parentheses...

Snackiesonics (1) vs. Turbo Chic (12)
DutchBitch Drama (2) vs. CineRobots (6)
Warped (3) vs. johnnyhongkong (4)
CK Lions (5) vs. DOWN WITH PANTS! (8)
Kapgar's Kapitans (7) vs. Roast Ducks (10)
sinkintothepacific (9) vs. Honea Express (11)


Sharing Christ's Love

Posted by Brandon |

Somehow or another I ended up on Warner Pacific College's website and found this Abercrombie & Fitch-like picture. Am I the only one who thinks that these guys don't really scream hardcore Christian college? Continue to wonder? I don't think there's any need to wonder. Ohhhh...that's why their sports teams are called the Fightin' Closeteers.



Posted by Brandon |

Combine being out of town and in the dial-up wasteland that is my parent's house and the fact that I just don't have anything to say right now, can you understand why I haven't posted jack squat in, basically, the last week? Well, that probably won't change for a little bit, at least until next week. I'll get back on the horse soon, I hope.


A Day in the Life of Trixie and Billy

Posted by Brandon |

My neighbors, Trixie and Billy, had a very bi-polar kind of day. Join with me in their adventure, won't you?

7:30 AM - Fuck. Fuck loudly. Fuck so loudly that you wake up your upstairs neighbor prompting him to wrap his head in a pillow and turn on his clock radio.

8:00 AM - Disappear. Church?

10:00 AM - This is totally a guess, but after fucking and church, it's time for drinking beer and watching football.

6:00 PM - Come home and make dinner. Listen to Matchbox 20 unbelievably loud while cooking. Drink wine, drunkenly dance around and sing at the top of lungs to "Real World" and "Push" (a kind of ironic choice given what happens later).

7:00 PM - Eat dinner, drink wine, watch a weird movie.

9:00 PM - Jekyll and Hyde emerge. Fight! Fight! Complete with "You don't love me, no I love you" psychobabble. Guy yells, bitch growls, doors slam, moody smoking ensues outside. Rinse and repeat four or five times over the next hour.

10:00 PM - Time for bed to get ready for a another day filled with fucking, fighting, smoking, singing, dancing and generally being pure, white trash.

P.S...Some of you have asked, "why don't we move?" It's a fair question, for sure. But our apartment is nice, it's cheap and it's entertaining. Plus, and this is why I'm counting down the days until we leave Ventura, wherever we move, there is a very good chance that we will have neighbors that do the exact same thing, maybe even worse. Sometimes I think we actually have it good.


Shameless Cross Promotion

Posted by Brandon |

We had a party today for Death?'s work. Somehow we managed to squeeze 35 people into our little apartment. Having to push past people, it felt like an old fashioned college party for a little while there.

Anyway, after cleaning up and whatnot, I don't have much energy to write a whole new post. So instead I bring you my two latest Yelp reviews, two that I'm pretty fond of. Check out all of my Yelping here.

California Pizza Kitchen - Ventura, CA

I've had hit or miss experiences with California Pizza Kitchen since I've been occasionally eating there for the last couple years. The first time I went, I loved it. The next time I went, it was bad. Then the next time was good, then not so good, and that pattern kept going until it finally leveled off at an average three stars. Here's a handy-dandy visual aid to illustrate this phenomena....

So what are the reasons for this strange looking diagram? Here's what I think is the deal:

The first time I ever ate at CPK I had very low expectations. It's a pizza place in a mall, how good could it be? So I ordered the California Club pizza and it hit me, something that I had never experienced in all of my wide and varied pizza eating days....Frigging mayonnaise tossed lettuce! Holy crap. Where have you been all my life? If I ever open my own pizza place, that's immediately going on the menu as an option.

On my next visit, riding the high of the first time, I branched out and tried some different things including their overpriced and rather small appetizers. Unfortunately, I was thoroughly disappointed. It was also then that I realized that they charge you $3 for soda that typically only gets refilled once. Soda cheapo restaurants bother me to no end.

But I gave it another chance and stuck with the Club pizza and again enjoyed it. My only variation was trying their soup. Both the tortilla soup and the corn chowder are very good and despite being unnecessarily expensive, I usually get a cup of one or the other every time I go.

But I've repeated this pattern of satisfaction and disappointment over and over again until now the highs aren't as high and the lows aren't as low. You would think that I would've learned my lesson by now, but I still go in and see something new that catches my attention that I just have to try. Our last visit it was Mango Tandoori pizza, and while it was decent, it just can't compare to either their Club or BLT pizzas with mayonnaise tossed lettuce.

Mmmm....Mayonnaise tossed lettuce.

Vons - Camarillo, CA

There should be a sign near this Vons somewhere warning you of the danger that you put yourself in when entering what I like to call The Leisure Zone.

For this is the closest supermarket to the retirement community Leisure Village and during the lunch hour, when I run there to pick up either a soup for lunch or some general groceries, it is usually overrun with retirees driving their land yachts in defiance of God taking away their eyesight, slowly limping through the crosswalk, using every coupon imaginable, struggling with the concept of the club card, writing checks, berating whippersnappers and generally making life rough for anybody under 75.

Seriously, I hate to stereotype anybody, even old people, but all of the old people stereotypes are on display here on any given day. I have seen some absolutely crazy stuff happen at this Vons at the hands of Leisure Villagers that I have never seen anywhere else. There are times when I think it would be safer to sit in the middle of La Colonia with a big "Chiques Suck" sign (or the equivalent in Spanish) than risk grabbing some jo-jos for lunch.

Let this serve as your only warning...Enter at your own risk.

(Other than that, it's a pretty average Vons, hence the three stars)


DWP! Fantasy Football 2007 - Week 9

Posted by Brandon |

Wow, another high scoring week, a week in which the top half of the standings took care of business and most of us bottom feeders struggled.

The big news is that there is still one of the weirdest looking ties for first place that I can ever remember. DutchBitch Drama won her fourth straight game with a 120-70 mashing of Honea Express to run her record to 7-2 while Warped eeked out a 76-67 win over Turbo Chic and now sits at 6-1-2. Both teams have a .778 winning percentage but Dutchy has the edge on total points, so technically she's currently in first place.

Snackiesonics was right there with DutchBitch Drama and Warped, but couldn't coax even one point out of Demetrius Williams on Monday night and ended up in a 93 point tie with CK Lions. She drops into third place all by her lonesome.

The high scorer of the week was johnnyhongkong with 123 points behind amazing play from Tony Romo and his receivers Santonio Holmes and Greg Jennings. It's not often that you see a high scorer get only nine points from his running backs though. And poor sinkintothepacific, he scores 108 points but still loses by 15 to johnnyhongkong. It's been a tough season.

And I'd be remiss if I didn't mention that CineRobots at one point had 66 points with 46 of those coming from Adrian Peterson. Your homer scouts definitely did their homework.

Here's the whole slate of scores complete with leading scorers...

johnnyhongkong (5-3-1) - 123 - Tony Romo - 28 points
sinkintothepacific (3-6) - 108 - Reggie Bush - 23 points

DutchBitch Drama (7-2) - 120 - Joseph Addai - 28 points
Honea Express (2-7) - 70 - Steelers Defense - 18 points

Snackiesonics (6-2-1) - 93 - Tom Brady - 25 points
CK Lions (5-3-1) - 93 - Carson Palmer - 20 points

DOWN WITH PANTS! (4-4-1) - 101 - Marshawn Lynch - 27 points
Roast Ducks (3-6) - 98 - Jamal Lewis - 33 points

CineRobots (3-6) - 83 - Adrian Petterson - 40 points
Kapgar's Kapitans (4-4-1) - 60 - Brett Favre - 22 points

Warped (6-1-2) - 76 - Ron Dayne - 18 points
Turbo Chic - (2-6-1) - 67 - Clinton Portis - 25 points

Oh boy, do we have a doozie lined up for this weekend as DutchBitch Drama and Warped will duke it out for first place. Sadly, both teams will be without major cogs in the offense, none bigger than DutchBitch's loss of Randy Moss to the bye week.

Here's the rest of the matchups in week ten. League rank in parentheses...

DutchBitch Drama (1) vs. Warped (2)
Snackiesonics (3) vs. sinkintothepacific (10)
johnnyhongkong (4) vs. Kapgar's Kapitans (6)
CK Lions (5) vs. Roast Ducks (8)
DOWN WITH PANTS! (7) vs. Honea Express (12)
CineRobots (9) vs. Turbo Chic (11)

This is the last of the bye weeks and there are four teams not playing. New England, New York Jets, Houston and Tampa Bay. All of those Patriots players out of the mix should make for some interesting lineups.


Tick Tock

Posted by Brandon |

My biological clock is certainly ticking.

If you haven't heard yet, we are almost 90% sure that we are having a girl. I was so proud of my little girl, she was very modest and ladylike during the ultrasound and kept her legs crossed making it hard to 100% be certain, but everybody pretty much agreed that she's a she.

Anyway, tonight at soccer one of my teammates brought her kids. An almost five year old daughter and a eight or nine year old son. Well, I wore my Blogography Bad Monkey t-shirt to the game - it's turned out to be my soccer uniform - and the boy noticed it right away and started calling me Bad Monkey. Soon, the little girl picked it up from her brother and started calling me Bad Monkey too.

Just before halftime the other team scored a goal on me that I probably should've stopped. I was pissed at myself something fierce and when the half ended I came to the sideline steaming, I seriously wanted to punch something. But as soon as I got to the sideline, the little girl started talking to me and calling me Bad Monkey again. It was so cute that my hard heart melted and I was immediately put into a good, upbeat mood and was once again ready to play some soccer.

Now, I know that not everyday with kids is going to be cute and cuddly, but it's moments like being uplifted by a cute little kid voice calling you a Bad Monkey that I'm sure will make the annoying times totally melt away.

It reminded me of something that our host up in Edmonds said to me last week. We were talking about Death? being pregnant and how excited I was to be a dad and he said to me that "you think you know what you are getting into and what to expect before you have your first child, but then you have it..." and I expected him to say something funny or cynical or sarcastic. Instead he said "but then you have her and it's even better than you ever expected. You sit there at work sometimes and all you can think about is how much you can't wait to get home." At this statement, I had to fight back tearing up, I think I was successful, but it was tough. I couldn't believe it.

Needless to say, I'm really excited. We only have 3 1/2 months left and since there are so many holidays in between, it's really only going to feel like a couple weeks. I'm trying to keep on an even keel and maybe Death? would say I'm doing too good of a job doing so, but in actuality, I can't wait and I can barely contain it.



Posted by Brandon |

What does a big manly man like your boy Brandon do after playing goalie in a hard fought 5-5 soccer game in which we were playing one player down? If you said join my teammates at a sleazy sports bar called Rookees to watch Monday Night Football and oogle at waitresses, you'd be very much wrong.

No, instead I came home with my wife, iced my throbbing right arm (I think I threw it out), took four ibuprofen, ate a steak wrapped around spinach, red peppers and cheese from Trader Joe's for dinner and invented a new girlie drink...

I call it the Flaming Pantywaist. It's 1/4 Bonny Doon Framboise and 3/4 Sprite Zero in a flame cup and it is damn good and damn pussy. Make fun all you want...but I'll suck down a Flaming Pantywaist after dinner and I'll like it. And after I swallow, I might even lick it clean.

Flaming Pantywaists for everybody!


Pantsless Pix #1

Posted by Brandon |

down with pants! by knobbyknees, the first in DWP!'s global search for pantsless pictures in our brand spanking new DOWN WITH PANTS! Flickr pool. Don't be shy now, add your own pics. But let's try to keep it clean, Kevin.


Piss and Twitter

Posted by Brandon |

Dude, cell phone usage in ridiculous places hit an all-time low yesterday.

We went to IKEA where we picked up a crib and a dresser/changing table thing for our expected little girl. But first we had a wonderful but filling meal at Porto's Bakery and by the time we got to IKEA, I had to hightail it into the bathroom. While I'm sitting there doing my business, a guy walks in chatting away at top voice on his cell phone. He proceeded to take a pee, flush the toilet, wash his hands and use the hand dryer...ALL WHILE STILL TALKING ON HIS PHONE! He was holding a conversation...WHILE PEEING!

I'm sorry, but if I ever heard the sound of pee-pee and toilets in the background while talking to someone on their cell, they wouldn't be my friend anymore. Our friendship would end, right there and then. If they thought that bathroom time was an appropriate time to have a discussion, well then they are simply too inconsiderate and too stupid for me to talk to. I'd be done, that's it, it's over.

And I could see through the crack of my stall that he had the phone on his shoulder...HE WASN'T EVEN USING A HANDS FREE DEVICE!

P.S...This is going to be yet another lite week here at DWP! We are heading up to Seattle tomorrow night (technically Edmonds), will be there all Wednesday and will be back sometime on Thursday. I won't have time to get to the Fantasy Football review, I'm sure Avitable is heartbroken. All you really need to know is this, my teams sucks and Snackie's is awesome. Tom Brady can suck on my nuts.

But, I am now on Twitter and because I get free unlimited text messaging, Twitter is my new best friend. If you are on Twitter, add me and then I'll add you and then we can be nerdy and tell each other about minutia all day long!


From the DWP! Archive: My Nemesis

Posted by Brandon |

It's 11:36 PM and I'm still trying to finish up laundry. Between the crappyness of our apartment building's washing machine and my inability to remember that I have loads in, it has taken nearly five hours to do three loads.

Tonight reminded me of when we first moved in and the frustration that doing laundry was. I finally figured out how to do laundry without too much incident, but tonight just isn't my night. Here's a post from August 25th, 2005 to illustrate just what a pain it used to be and what a pain it has been tonight...

I have finally met my nemesis. The greatest opponent that I have ever faced lives right here in our apartment complex. Never before have I been beaten so soundly than when I have to do battle with this...

That's right, I have been beaten by a goddamn washing machine. Every time I do laundry it kicks my ass. The first time I did laundry it overflowed flooding the entire laundry room with about a half inch of water on the floor. I filled it up to the same point as I have always filled any other washing machine, but this one wanted to fuck me over so it spewed forth, ruining a rug and my day.

Then when I finally figured out the level to which I can fill it and not have it overflow, it decided that it needed to fuck with me some more. So now every time I walk away and go back upstairs it goes out of balance and shuts off. When I come back a half hour later it hasn't done a damn thing but sit there and get funky. When I sit in the laundry room and watch it, it never screws up, but as soon as I leave it goes all to hell. It is so frustrating.

But I like a challenge. I like to compete. So I will continue to use my nemesis, the washing machine, instead of going to a laundromat. I will eventually prevail. Victory will be mine. Either that or laundry will always take hours upon hours to do. I'd put my money on the hours and hours if I were you.


Wooooooo....Weather! - UPDATE

Posted by Brandon |

Now this is how the weather should be reported!

UPDATE: I had to change the videos because Accuweather doesn't actually archive the forecasts, they just replace them. So the video that a lot of people saw was some boring guy blabbing. The real video was hilarious. My co-worker and I couldn't stop laughing.

The weatherman featured in the first video and the above YouTube video that I found is Jim Kosek. He goes a little bit over the top sometimes but is always good for a laugh. You can find his rotating forecasts here.



Posted by Brandon |

This morning, on my way to work, I pulled up behind this Honda Insight you see pictured above. For those of you who don't know, the Insight is a hybrid, in fact it was the first mass produced hybrid sold in the United States, so that peace sign proudly displayed on the bumper is no surprise. And the personalized license plate 1CINAPE, which I interpret to be "Once 'N Ape", is an obvious declaration of the belief of evolution over creationism. Ok, sounds good, I don't know why you need to put that on a license plate, but whatever, I get the point. All of these things add up to her being a run of the mill liberal hippie.

And of course, to go along with the hippie part of the equation, a little bit of consumption is in order. Surprise, surprise...it's a cigarette...

First of all, to all the liberals and hippies out there, smoking is perhaps the most conservative thing that you can possibly do. All you do is support the most right wing parts of this country by smoking a cigarette. I know that we can never stop using products that put money into the coffers of people we don't like, but if there is one product that you can definitely cut off the money to, it's the tobacco industry. Your dollars are hard at work both killing you slowly and killing all of your beliefs - so quit smoking already.

Secondly, if you are driving a hybrid you are obviously concerned about our environment, or at least want to give off the impression that you care. So then why the fuck are you flinging your cigarette out the window and into the street? Yes it's a little item and you probably think that it's all biodegradable, but son-of-a-bitch, it isn't! Nope, the filters are filled with all sorts of nasty chemicals and are made of something that isn't going to break down for quite some time. Hard to believe, but it's true.

With that in mind, here's a little quiz, let's see how you do. A hippie driving a hybrid that flings here cigarette out of her window is:

A. A stupid as shit sack of crap
B. A lazy asshole who can't dirty her precious car
C. A hypocrite
D. Part of the problem
E. All of the above

If you guessed E. then you are at least on the right track. If you want your credentials as a hippie liberal back, quit smoking. If you can't do that, then at least learn how to use your ashtray.


DWP! Fantasy Football 2007 - Week Seven

Posted by Brandon |

Holy upsets Batman! The Down With Pants! Fantasy Football league was thrown ass over tea kettle this weekend as four of the six games ended with big honking upsets.

My DWP! squad knocked johnnyhongkong out of the second place with a resounding 128-90 victory. I'm not saying that my team is going to do this every week, but now that we are starting to get healthy, we very well could be a dangerous squad to tussle with.

But the biggest upsets came from the league's previous one win teams. We start with Turbo Chic who took a 1-4-1 record into a game against 4-2 Kapgar's Kapitans. Behind 26 points from Chad Pennington and, finally, the emergence of Larry Johnson, Turbo Chic spanked Kapgar 104-64. And the news just gets worse for the Kapitans. Stud running back Ronnie Brown is out for the season. What a devastating weekend for Kevin.

We move on to the previously 1-5 CineRobots and their game against 2006 champion, CK Lions. At long last, luck caught up with the Robots and his opponent didn't have a career game. Instead, CineRobots posted the week's top score behind 31 Ben Roethlisberger points en route to a 132-79 drubbing. A very impressive outing, but has all the bad juju left their locker room?

But perhaps the biggest upset of the weekend came as sinkintothepacific, the last team to pick up their first win, knocked off previously unbeaten Warped 113-57. Jeff Garcia and Laveranues Coles, of all people, provided nearly enough points alone to capture victory scoring 21 and 25 points respectively. I get the feeling that while not supremely talented, the sinkintothepacific squad are going to be thorns in the sides of a lot of teams from here on out.

With the big guns dropping like flies all around them, both Snackiesonics and DutchBitch Drama took care of business. Snackiesonics got 50 freakin' points out of Tom Brady to give Honea Express their sixth straight loss. And DutchBitch, despite playing a quarterback who's noggin' is so messed up he may never play again, took down the Roast Ducks. Both Snackie and Dutchy are now tied for second place at 5-2.

Here's the whole slate of scores complete with leading scorers...

Snackiesonics (5-2) - 117 - Tom Brady - 50 points
Honea Express (1-6) - 73 - Drew Brees - 18 points

DutchBitch Drama (5-2) - 97 - Randy Moss - 24 points
Roast Ducks (3-4) - 72 - Peyton Manning - 20 points

DOWN WITH PANTS! (3-3-1) - 128 - Wes Welker - 25 points
johnnyhongkong (4-2-1) - 90 - Josh Brown - 18 points

CineRobots (2-5) - 132 - Ben Roethlisberger - 31 points
CK Lions (4-3) - 79 - LenDale White - 18 points

Turbo Chic - (2-4-1) - 104 - Chad Pennington - 26 points
Kapgar's Kapitans (4-3) - 64 - Jay Cutler - 27 points

sinkintothepacific (2-5) - 113 - Laveranues Coles - 25 points
Warped (5-1-1) - 57 - Donovan McNabb - 16 points

Oh man, my team takes on Snackiesonics this week. We'll have to face Brady and Tomlinson, but we won't have to face Terrell Owens or Marion Barber III. The way Brady's playing though, he could easily win the game alone.

In other action, the celebration will be over for at least one of the week seven ousters as CineRobots take on sinkintothepacific. Both teams will basically be at full strength so it should be a pretty interesting game.

Here is the whole slate of games for week eight. League rank is in parentheses...

Warped (1) vs. Kapgar's Kapitans (6)
Snackiesonics (2) vs. DOWN WITH PANTS! (7)
DutchBitch Drama (3) vs. Turbo Chic (9)
ohnnyhongkong (4) vs. CK Lions (5)
Roast Ducks (8) vs. Honea Express (12)
CineRobots (10) vs. sinkintothepacific (11)

There are six teams on bye this week - Atlanta, Dallas, Kansas City, Arizona, Seattle and Baltimore. Please check your lineups.


Across The Universe

Posted by Brandon |

Since my soccer game was canceled tonight due to smoky conditions and the air quality and general heat in our apartment was no better, we decided to find somewhere to get some fresh air tonight. The only place we could think of was a movie theater so after perusing the brutally thin lineup of movies out right now, we finally decided on Across The Universe, the maligned Beatles musical. Maybe it was very low expectations, but I actually enjoyed myself and ended up kind of liking the film.

First of all, I'm normally not a fan of Beatles covers so I was worried about having to sit through two hours of other people doing their songs. I'm a huge Beatles fan, they are my favorite band, and I want to love and respect other people covering them, but it always amazes me just how poorly good musicians do when trying to cover Beatles songs. For me, it's always the phrasing and the rhythm that are off, nobody ever seems to be able to get it right.

But to my surprise, the best part of the movie was the music. I was very impressed with most of the songs. I could've done without some of the Joplinesque singing by Dana Fuchs, I hate Janis Joplin and I especially hate when blues singers try to do Beatles songs, but any of the songs by the leads Jim Sturgess and Evan Rachel Woods were good and I really loved "While My Guitar Gently Weeps" by Martin Luther McCoy. Bono's cameo was half good. He suffered from some of the poor rhythm and phrasing that are pretty important in "I Am the Walrus".

The story wasn't nearly as heavy handed or clunky as I expected either. It's a little cloying and not particularly creative, we've all basically seen this story thread before in nearly every movie about the '60's, but again, the leads carry it along and make it worth the trip. Sturgess, Woods and Joe Anderson carry this movie from what could've been a stinker to something worth watching. I would have preferred that this be a much smaller film in scale and not go after so many issues and overarching themes. For me, being born in the late 70's, Beatles songs have a lot more personal meaning. I didn't live through the generation that they "define", so trying to link them together is a little bit of a stretch for me. I see how it works, but if they would've just focused more on the simplicity of the lead's story and cut the length down considerably, it would've been a much more satisfying movie for me. Kind of a more complex Once, but with Beatles tunes.

And of course, I can't fail to mention the visuals. It is a beautiful movie to watch. Some of it is disjointed and some of it is totally superfluous and present just to impress and one scene in particular, Eddie Izzard's "Being for the Benefit of Mr. Kite", is just awful. Eddie isn't too bad, but the scene itself is horrible. Poor Eddie deserved much better. But other than that one song, the visuals, for the most part, do a good job of matching and interpreting the music in a way that didn't piss me off, and that's all I was really asking for. Plus, at one point Salma Hayek makes an appearance as not one, not two, not three, not even four, but five hot nurses. There is nothing wrong with that.

Overall, Across The Universe is worth watching. It won't change your life and it shouldn't be up for any awards, but as a skeptical Beatles fan, I'm very happy that it didn't make me want run away screaming like I half expected it to do.


We're Back

Posted by Brandon |

So we spent three days in the pouring rain of the Northwest and loved every minute of it. Whenever we go up there it just feels right. It's our kind of place. The people are different, the atmosphere is better and we feel so much more comfortable. There are some pluses to Southern California, for sure, and we've been happy here and don't have any regrets, but it isn't enough to keep us down here any longer than we need to be.

Especially when we arrive back home to FUCKING ARMAGEDDON!!! Good lord, what a mess it is here in the Los Angeles area. Practically everything is on fire. At one point for a few hours this afternoon, the sky was an unholy greyish orange and visibility was next to nothing. Very eerie. And since the LA TV staions focused almost 100% on the Malibu fire, I had absolutely no idea where all that smoke was coming from. As far as I knew, my little town was burning down around me. Luckily, it was coming from some smaller fires east of us, but still, it was kind of freaky.

Here is one of the saddest billboards I have ever seen...

Shop at Circle K you trashy son-of-a-bitch!