Top 5 Actors

Posted by Brandon |

Yesterday you got my Top 5 Actresses. Today you get my Top 5 Actors. Enjoy...

5. Martin Freeman - Star of The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy and the original The Office, Martin always cracks me up with that quizzical look on his face. In the behind the scenes for The Office there is a video of the cast sitting around watching a soccer game with all of them going absolutely crazy on goals, singing the fight songs and celebrating their victory with Martin leading the way. It looked like a ton of fun, and I would love to go to a game with Martin all drunk and rowdy.

4. Alec Baldwin - Hasn't done shit in the way of movies in years, except for his role in The Aviator. But he is the only guest host who can single handedly lift Saturday Night Live from the toilet and turn it into a memorable hour and a half of television. He does it every time he is on the show and anyone who can do that deserves to be on a Top 5 Actors list.

3. John Goodman - "Saturday, Donny, is Shabbos, the Jewish day of rest. That means that I don't work, I don't get in a car, I don't ride in a car, I don't pick up the phone, I don't turn on the oven, and I sure as shit don't fucking roll! Shomer shabbos!"

2. Eddie Izzard - Funniest transvestite on earth, period. Also an outstanding actor who typically only has bit roles but usually steals the show. Especially as Jerry Devane in Velvet Goldmine and an evil henchman in Mystery Men. Was very good as a leading actor in The Cat's Meow playing Charlie Chaplin. He just seems like a fun and interesting guy who happens to dress like a girl.

1. Jason Lee - Showed me the value of the stinkpalm. Invented the 360 Kickflip. Has given the mustache new life. Named his son Pilot Inspektor...wait, that's about the stupidest thing I have ever heard. Nonetheless, Jason Lee rockets to the top of my list solely for bringing us Earl Hickey, one of the greatest characters in history and the only reason I still watch anything on network TV.

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Top 5 Actresses

Posted by Brandon |

Who are the Top 5 actors or actresses that hold a special place in my heart? Cinerobot asked, Cinerobot shall receive. Except I couldn't pick just five, I had to break it down by sexes.

I've never really thought about it that much before and I'm sure that I am leaving someone off that truly deserves to be on these lists. But here it goes, starting with the females. Tomorrow we'll have the gentlemen.

5. Naomi Watts - She was so amazing in King Kong because of both her acting skills and her beauty. I'm a big gorilla myself so how could I not pick her? Plus I'm a sucker for an Australian accent. And I just realized that she is 37 years-old. Otherwise known as ancient for a top-notch beautiful actress like herself.

4. Maggie Gyllenhaal - Did you see Secretary? Nuff said.

3. Mary-Louise Parker - I love her dry, sarcastic wit that she combines with a sneaky smile and big, penetrating eyes. She did it in Angels In America to perfection and was one of the best characters ever on The West Wing. It was from that role that I got the impression that she was wickedly smart too. Alas, this is probably not true.

2. Audrey Tautou - Ok, so I have only seen two Audrey Tautou movies, A Very Long Engagement and Amelie. Amelie is, without a question, my favorite movie ever and Audrey is so ridiculously cute in it, it makes me happy just to think about it. A Very Long Engagement would have been horribly boring without her beauty and energy. The Da Vinci Code will be worth the wait just to see her as Sophie Marceau.

1. Natalie Portman - I hated Zach Braff in Garden State. No matter, Natalie was there to save the day allowing me to forget about Braff's general suckiness turning it into one of my favorites. She was the only redeeming quality in The Phantom Menace and the other Star Wars flops. Went to public school despite becoming a massive star during that time. Graduated from Harvard with a degree in psychology. Speaks five languages fluently. Has a smile that you can see from space. Has become very selective in her roles. Add all of those up and you have an actress that is irresistible and smart and down to earth and she shoots to the top of my list. The only negative is that she is a vegan. I need a girl who eats meat!

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Calabro is "The Truth"

Posted by Brandon |

I just learned the foul and heinous news (thanks Supersonicsoul) that the Seattle Supersonics are moving their radio broadcasts from Sports Radio 950 KJR-AM to KTTH The Truth 770, home to a bunch of raving conservative morons like Rush Limbaugh, Michael Medved, Bill O'Reilly.

This news alone would probably turn me off to Sonics broadcasts because you know you will have to hear commercials for Medved spouting some crap about the liberal bias or the assault on marriage or any of that other non-existent bullshit. But the clincher is that as part of this new deal, Kevin Calabro, by far the NBA's best radio play-by-play man and subsequently the best NBA TV play-by-play guy will no longer be simulcasting games on TV and the radio. Instead he will be the voice of the TV broadcasts and radio only games and the Sonics will hire a new voice for radio.

This news couldn't be worse for longtime Sonics fans. The absolute best thing about listening to the Supersonics on the radio is hearing Kevin Calabro call the game. I have yet to hear another basketball play-by-play guy combine such a clear picture of what is happening on the court with the excitement and fun and wit that Calabro brings.

The best thing about watching a Sonics game is being able to hear Calabro's call for the radio. When the Sonics are on national TV and not local I routinely turn off the boneheads on TNT or ESPN or ABC, there is only so much Bill Walton one man can take, and turn on the radio to hear Calabro. It's the only way to watch a Sonics game.

Calabro will be good on Sonics TV broadcasts, there is no doubt about that. But it will never be the same. I grew up listening to the simulcasts and hearing Calabro describe the action that I was watching with precision and accuracy that always amazed me. Listening to Calabro go through the motions like other TV play-by-play guys will be weird and wrong. Plus it will give Craig Ehlo more time to talk, which is never a good idea.

Luckily I am in California so I won't have to face this new reality until at least 2008. Maybe the new flunky they hire to do the radio games will have learned something from Calabro by that time and the shock to the system won't be too bad.

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Three Quick Things

Posted by Brandon |

1. Go check out my new renter, Haunted House Dressing. His blog is a hodgepodge of everything, including some pretty cool photo comics. He is paying top dollar for a spot here at DWP! so we have to make it worth something.

2. After that, head on over to Built To Spill's My Space site and check out their new nine minute epic, "Going Against Your Mind" from their upcoming album You In Reverse. If the album is half as good as this song, it will live forever in my CD player.

3. RIP Chris Penn. Loved you in Reservoir Dogs and To Wong Foo, but you really touched my heart in Footloose. So much so that I am doubling my effort to get elected to public office so that I can enact a law to make everybody get up and dance like a fool whenever they hear the song "Footloose" played in public. And now I'm doing it in your memory. You won't be forgotten big guy, mark my words.

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Separated At Birth?

Posted by Brandon |

Death? and I just got back from seeing Pride and Prejudice. It was a good enough film, although I tire quickly of anything Victorian even if it is subtly making fun of it.

The film stars Keira Knightley, one of the most beautiful and striking actresses around today. But one thing that I noticed throughout the entire film is the length of her neck.

Half the shots in Pride in Prejudice are of just Keira from the neck up. About ten minutes into the movie I had seen about eight minutes and thirty seven seconds of just Keira's face and neck it occurred to me who she reminded me of...

E-Fucking-T! Keira Knightley looks like E-Fucking-T! Ewwww!

Keira, if you are listening, and I know you are, please grow your hair back out and wear it down all the time. Then I won't think of you as ET. I really liked you before this discovery but now I don't know if I can take seeing that long ass neck of yours exposed like that. It is just too disturbing.

Am I the only one that suddenly thinks that ET is kind of hot?

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Holy Crap! The Seahawks Are Super Bowl Bound!

Posted by Brandon |

They did it! I can't believe that they actually did it. With ease even. Is this Bizarro World? Somebody pinch me because I don't believe it. There is no way that a Seattle team actually came through in the clutch. No way! I'm going to be pissed if I wake up in a couple of hours and realize it was all a dream.

I'm glad to see that the city is celebrating appropriately. That would probably be me hanging out of that sunroof right now if I were in town. Not so much because I'm a huge Seahawks fan, but because my whole view on what it means to be a Seattle sports fan has been turned upside down and now I'm left not knowing how to feel or what to do.

But I think I like the feeling. So much so that I would take off my shirt and drive around town hanging out the sunroof like a complete white trash idiot. Or maybe I'll just go overturn and burn my car tonight. Sounds like a plan! I need a riot!


Bandwagon Brandon

Posted by Brandon |

Gooooooooo Seahawks!!!

Yeah, I said it. I'm officially jumping on the Seattle Seahawks bandwagon. I even bought myself a t-shirt when I was in Seattle a couple of weeks ago just in case of this day. It is probably my first Seahawks t-shirt since I was ten years old. But with the team of my childhood only one game away from the Super Bowl, I figure there is no time like the present to put my hard feelings against the Seahawks aside and openly root for them on Sunday.

Growing up watching the Seahawks was tough. As a youngster I was a big fan. It helped that they had memorable players like Steve Largent, Curt Warner, Jacob Green and Kenny Easley because even with those greats they were never able to put it all together to make a meaningful run at a Super Bowl.

After coach Chuck Knox retired and the Nordstrom's sold the team, everything went downhill. They became the laughingstock of the NFL for a couple of seasons and then eventually rose to the ranks of merely mediocre seemingly going 8-8 every single season, boring the living piss out of me along the way. For nearly 15 years, the Seahawks have barely ever entered into my consciousness.

But these past few weeks have been different. I followed the team from a distance all year keeping a cautious eye on them ready for their inevitable collapse. When they didn't fall apart, I was amazed. So I decided to give them a chance. It helps that I am a transplanted Washingtonian living in California and I am more inclined to wear my hometown pride on my sleeve. If they win, I want to gloat to these Cali fools and I can't do that without being on the bandwagon.

But this is the Seahawks last chance. I don't even care if they win the Super Bowl, this game is what is important. If they win they can keep a permanent place for me on the bandwagon. Lose and it is over between us. I don't think I can take any more of their crap.

Anyway, Goooooooo Seahawks!


The Kiss of Death

Posted by Brandon |

I started out wanting to work in minor league baseball, and in fact I did. I worked for five baseball teams in my short career bouncing around the lowest rung of the baseball world, the independent leagues, for four of those jobs.

The indies are inherently unstable. Teams come and go every single season. But still, you have to wonder what role I played in the demise of four of the five teams I worked for. Is it just a coincidence or am I the kiss of death for these poor teams...

Grays Harbor Gulls - Western Baseball League - My first team, one of the better seasons for a Grays Harbor franchise. Folded mid-season the year after I worked for them.

Rio Grande Valley WhiteWings - Central Baseball League - We suffered through a nightmare season and the team never recovered on the field or at the gate - folded one year after I worked for them. The good news is that the team is being resurrected this season in the new United League.

Richmond Roosters - Frontier League - I was laid off after the first homestand after spending the previous three months busting my butt to prepare for the season, leaving me stuck, in Richmond friggin' Indiana - Team was sold and moved to Traverse City earlier this year, two seasons after my brief employment.

Elmira Pioneers - Northern League - I was part of the most successful season in Elmira Pioneers history both on the field and at the gate. Following the season our general manager left to work at the new hockey arena in town and none of us returned for the next season. The owners ran the team totally bare-boned for the past five seasons and the lack of commitment caught up to them and they folded this past week.

Everett Aquasox - Northwest League - Still going strong, thankfully. Of course I only ushered for them. Give it a few more years and the curse of Brandon probably will catch up to them.


Ask The Pantsless Pontificate

Posted by Brandon |

First of all, let me welcome my new blogexplosion renter over in my links area, The Bloggin' Bizatch. She ain't no small time renter either. She's a nominee for Most Humorous Blog and a member of the DWP! blogroll when her time as a renter ends. I feel like I'm the owner of a rent control apartment in Manhattan who just rented to Donald Trump for $300 a month. Just kidding.

Anyway, onto other business. It is time for another edition of Ask The Pantsless Pontificate. If you need advice please email me at downwithpants@gmail.com and I'd be happy to dispense some of my great wisdom. Now, on with the show...


"I'm addicted to.....pink. Should I seek help? Am I normal? Will my friends still like me? Any advice would be helpful!" - Pink Up in Kalgary, Eh?

Pink officially is the most versatile color out there, PUKE. It can be worn in any situation.

Going for a barbie doll look? You have to wear some pink, it's traditional. Heading to the punk rock show? Wear yourself some pink, it is so ironic.

You are going to be the hippest most coolest kid wherever you go if you wear pink all the time. The key is to accessorize with other colors depending on the situation. White and pastels for the country club set and black for the punks.

Get yourself pink wristbands and a black t-shirt, that would be perfect. You would be the belle of the ball at the business ladies conference or at the Simple Plan concert.


"Is there something wrong with single men in their late 20's that makes them incapable of taking interest in women of the same age? Obviously nothing wrong with the married ones. For whatever reason, I seem to be getting propositioned by most of the married men I work with. Making me wonder if I have a tattoo, that only married men or men that are older than my mother can see, across my forehead that reads, "Let's have sex." Other than the married men, I usually seem to only attract the attentions of those who are older than my mom. What gives?" - Troubled And Tired of Taken and Older Ogres

Men in their late 20's typically think that women between 18 and 24 are the same age as them, TATTOO, no matter what age they look. That's just the way it works. It's sad, but it's true. I think a lot of guys stay 25 until they turn 30, maybe even 35. Thus, women in their late 20's seem much older than they really are and unless you are much, much older, say late 30's and smoking hot, guys in their late 20's are not interested.

Older guys have nothing to lose, especially if they are single, so they are trying to hit the home run with you before they go back to the silver haired foxes their own age. You can't begrudge them that can you?

Married guys are constantly testing their own boundaries. Most women who work with a married man will eventually get at least a subtle proposition. Don't read too much into it though. These men are usually just seeing if they still have "it".

So basically I have shot you down in every aspect. Before, you might have been at least flattered by the advances of older and married men. Now you realize that it isn't you, it's them.

But you should keep your head up because guys your own age are going to come around soon. A man's late 20's and early 30's is when the good guys wise up and start understanding women their own age. Its the time that they realize that they are no longer college dudes and that bullshit doesn't fly. That's where you come in and knock their socks off and let them know what they have been missing all these years.

In the meantime you should just enjoy being single or seriously consider laser removal. It's the only way you will ever get rid of those old, married bastards.


"What do you do when your brother-in-law has too much time on his hands?" - Sassy In Spokane

Touche! That's easy, SIS. Buy him lots of high priced electronic toys, of course.


The Dump Of All Dumps

Posted by Brandon |

Five college basketball games in one week. Can it get any better than that? This past week was jam packed full of college basketball in the area and I took full advantage. On Monday I saw UC Irvine beat UC Santa Barbara. On Thursday it took me two and a half hours to go 60 miles, but I was still able to see the Washington Huskies knock off Southern Cal. On Saturday I saw the Huskies turn in a gutsy performance to beat UCLA in LA for the first time since the late 80's. And later that night we watched the men's and women's Ventura College teams beat up on Oxnard by a combined score of 177-85. Ouch!

But let's go back to the Huskies vs. Southern Cal game. As long as I can remember when anybody talked about the Clippers or USC basketball they had to mention how big a dump the Los Angeles Sports Arena is. Despite this, I wasn't completely prepared for just how big of a disaster the Sports Arena is. It is a colossal, monumental, apocalyptic hole of a building with no redeeming value, even more so since it is home to those bastards at USC.

There is just too much wrong with this building to go into. So let's hit a couple of highlights. One of my favorite features of the building is that they spared no expense on the technology. Thanks to Zenith, I won't miss even a minute of the game while grabbing a fifteen year old hot dog.

Nothing says efficient crowd management like stairs to nowhere. Gee that's funny, for some reason I thought those stairs might lead to an exit. Instead, all three thousand fans in attendance are forced up one escalator. I do commend them for posting someone at the foot of those stairs. It was a big surprise they would go to such lengths in their customer service.

There are two good things about the Sports Arena. Since USC stinks at basketball and the Sports Arena is such a dump, nobody bothers to show up including the ushers, so you can pretty much sit anywhere you like. I plopped down right behind the Huskies bench since the ticket I was sold was smack dab in the middle of the spoiled children that they call a student section.

And finally, the only other good thing about the Sports Arena...the USC Song Girls! Damn crappy digital camera!

I once wrote a review about a pizza place in which I said that eating there was worth it because it's not everyday you get to eat the worst pizza in the world. I feel pretty much the same way about the Sports Arena. It's not everyday you get to see a game in the crappiest arena in the country. Thankfully the building will be put out of its misery next season when USC opens the Galen Center on campus. That should be great for their 25 faithful fans.


Ang Lee

Posted by Brandon |

Death and I went to see Brokeback Mountain tonight and loved every minute of it. It was really, really good and deserves any award that it will undoubtedly end up winning.

It got me to thinking about Ang Lee and how amazing a director he is. Is there any director out there that has done as wide a range of movies and done so much with every single one of them? I can't think of any. I think Ang Lee's body of work speaks for itself...

Brokeback Mountain
Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon
Encino Man
The Ice Storm
Sense and Sensibility
Monkey Shines
Eat Drink Man Woman
Girls Gone Wild: Doggy Style
The Wedding Banquet
Freddie Got Fingered

Screw best picture. Give that man his lifetime achievement award!


DWP! Quick Hits

Posted by Brandon |

1. I hate going to the gym right after the new year. Stupid new years resolution people. Where will you be in three months? But I sincerely thank you for taking up every single weight machine turning my normal 30 minute workout into an hour and then occupying all of the ellipticals. So instead I went home and ate a whole box of Kraft Cheese & Macaroni.

2. Last night after the UCSB vs. UC Irvine game in Santa Barbara, I witnessed a Chinese fire drill for the first time. In fact, I witnessed three Chinese fire drills at each and every red light that we hit. Six people in the car and one in the trunk. It was very impressive.

3. What the hell happened to me? At one point when I saw a baby all I could think of was throw up and poop. Yuck! Now when I see a baby, even when I'm sitting by myself at a basketball game, I openly go...Awwwww. The biological clock is ticking louder and louder every day people. But, according to plan, I have two and a half years left until I can become a papa. I'd settle for Unkie Brandon, are you listening John and Jesse?

4. We had a "Fresh Episode" of Gilmore Girls tonight. Yippee!!! Again, what the hell happened to me?

5. iTunes kicks ass. Tonight I downloaded a song that I have been requesting from KEXP and KGRG for years but have yet to have it played. Karp's "Connect 5" is the greatest song ever written about Olympia's Skateland.

6. I really am married. Over the weekend I started combining our CD collection into nice, aphabeticalized CD books. It is quite the task.

7. Finally, I now have a new outlook on the Uggs boots craze of the past two years. I think they are absolutely hideous of course. But everybody who is wearing them are these vain, vapid little fashion whores who, I hope, in a few years will look back and be extremely embarrassed by their choice of footwear. It's not me that looks like a fucking moron with big ass feet, so why the hell should I be mad?


I Have A Dream

Posted by Brandon |

I have decided that I am going to make a run for public office. First I will start at the local level, either city council or mayor, depending on the size of the town that I run in and the power of the positions. Then hopefully we will take it national, possibly a congressional run or maybe even president.

Why this sudden interest in politics? Well, I have recently discovered a political issue that I feel very, very strongly about and I need to hold a position that will give me the power to enact legislation and bring about a change in the lives of the people of this country. I believe that this legislation will vastly improve the quality of life for everyone and will bring joy throughout the land.

Today is a new day for America, my friends. Today is a day that will be forever remembered as the day that optimism sprung anew in this great land of ours. Our worries as a nation were squelched and all was right again with America.

Because today, I announce my intention of running for office with the sole goal and moral duty to pass one law, and only one law and to see that it is upheld and enforced...

Whenever the song "Footloose" by Kenny Loggins is played in public, everyone must immediately jump to their feet and dance like an old-fashioned, cow-poking, mid-western white boy who has never ever danced a dance before in his entire life. Violators will be subject to a hefty fine.

Oowhee, Marie, Shake it, shake it for me. Whoa, Milo, c'mon, c'mon let go. Loose, footloose. Everybody cut, everybody cut, footloose!

Down With Pants! in 2006!



Posted by Brandon |

Hey everybody. Happy New Year! And congratulations to the State of Texas. You finally have yet another thing to brag about incessently with your victory over USC in the national championship game tonight. Whoopee frickin' doo.

Anyway, sorry about the lack of posts this past week. I didn't get a chance to finish my year wrap up because I was sicker than a dog and then we went back to Seattle to visit the family and whatnot. We will be here until Sunday and then I should be able to kick 2006 off with style.

DWP! will be strong in the new year, don't you worry.