Pipe Down You Nasty Whore!

Posted by Brandon |

Dear Skank That Lives Downstairs:

Shut the fuck up! We have lived above you for a month and a half now and have been awakened by your drunk ass and whatever nasty fucking guy you bring home at least five times and have had to listen to you ranting and raving on the phone countless more times. I'm sick and tired of all the drama.

3:30 in the morning is not an acceptable time to yell at the top of your lungs at that foul boyfriend of yours. I don't need to hear you yell "fuck" at him one hundred times in two minutes. I don't need to hear you drunkenly accuse him of every crazy fucking thing under the sun. And when you have your angry makeup sex, for god's sake close your window! The neighborhood does not need to hear the spanking, the screeching and most of all, the finishing groan by that douche bag that is laying on top of you. If I find that I am sterile in the future, I will be suing your ass. Millions and millions of my boys may have lost the will to live and you are to blame.

If you start screaming at the top of your lungs that late again I will have to assume that you and that douche bag are fighting and I will be forced to call the cops. Maybe the police stopping by because of a report of suspected domestic violence will get your skank ass to shut the fuck up.

Peace and love, you dirty drunken whore,


DWP! Quick Hits

Posted by Brandon |

Just a few quick things to say....

***I started my new job on Monday. I think I mentioned that it was going to be swing shift, 3-11:30 PM. Well so far it isn't and it doesn't sound like it ever will be. Very weird. Anyway, it's alright. Nothing special. It is a very Office Space environment, I can't wait to have my meeting with the Bobs. Oh yeah, and the lady that works two people down from me meows and purrs all the time and
is obsessed with cats. It is really creepy.

***Death has her "golden weekend" this weekend. It is one of the few times that she will have consecutive days off all year long. We had a hard time figuring out what to do but we finally settled on going wine touring around Santa Barbara County. We might try to do
this Sideways tour. This all depends on whether or not they make me work on Saturday. I can't imagine they would on my first week, but something tells me that Lumbergh might try to pull that crap.

***I had my question answered by the pretty nifty new blog
Burning Question. Click the graphic below to read their response to the ultimate Burning Question...why is yawning contagious?

***Did anyone else see Rick Santorum on the Daily Show last night? What scares me the most about him is that he comes off very presidential and I think he could win a lot of votes on his charm alone. Then his ultra-conservative politics would take over and all of us decent liberal folk would be in big trouble.

***The 40 Year-Old Virgin looks hilarious! I can't wait.


New Layout

Posted by Brandon |

What do you think of the changes? I felt like the two column layout was becoming limiting and it only took me like five hours of manipulating the blogger template to get it the way I wanted. Does it work for everybody? I'm afraid it is too wide for some screens but I can't tell. Leave me a comment and let me know...


I've Got Your Hat, Bitch!

Posted by Brandon |

Dear Asswipe:

On behalf of every normal person seeing the Bad News Bears at the Century Stadium Theaters in Ventura Friday night, I'd like to say, fuck you.

Fuck you for getting up four times and plowing over everyone in your row to get out. Fuck you for chatting with your "dog" while the movie was playing. Fuck you for checking your cell phone every five minutes. And especially, fuck you for getting into a fight (and nearly a brawl) in the theater as soon as the movie ended.

In exchange for my role in breaking up the fight, I have taken the A's cap that someone knocked off your fat fucking head. Unfortunately, since you are a nasty fucker who likes to pick his pimples and lets them bleed into his hat, I can't wear it. But I didn't think you deserved to get it back so it is now in my possession. If you somehow see this and want it back email me at downwithpants@gmail.com and I'd be happy to send it to you, one little piece at a time you fucking shit head.

Peace and love, you ugly son of a bitch,


On The Subject of Carrot Top

Posted by Brandon |

Janet brought him up in her comment so unfortunately I am forced to present to you another piece of evidence confirming that Carrot Top is on steroids. Long time readers will remember that I am fascinated by Carrot Top's transformation from bony prop comic into the Carrotinator (read here and here). Either way he is sickening, but now he looks like a psycho clown out of a horror movie rather than a harmless freak. God damn, it makes me shiver just looking at him.

By the way, the picture at the top of the page that I think Janet was referring to isn't Carrot Top and it isn't me, it's actually Selma Blair from the movie A Dirty Shame...


I Don't Look Like Carrot Top

Posted by Brandon |

Some of you may have noticed my new profile in the sidebar where I have put a picture of myself. This led to the most troubling comment I have so far received. Janet says "guess it's cause of that pic in the top but for the longest time, I've pictured you looking like Carrot Top." Well, I have resisted putting my picture up here but with people thinking I look like Carrot Top, it's time to reveal the mystery that is Brandon...

So that's me, the mask has been torn off. My shroud of secrecy has been lifted. Personally I think I'm pretty Rrrrarrr. Down With Pants! indeed!


Good News/Bad News

Posted by Brandon |

Well, I have good news and bad news. Which do you want first, the good or the bad? Ok, so the good news is that I got myself a job! I am now gainfully employed and will probably be starting on Monday. The bad news? I got myself a job! What was I thinking?

Seriously though, this is really the most mixed I've ever felt about getting a job. It's with Tecnnicolor (I mentioned them before) but it is working the swing shift, 3 PM - 11:30 or midnight depending on my dinner break, Monday through Friday. This means that Death? and I will be working exact opposite shifts during the week and will only be home at the same time when we are sleeping. I will have the weekend off (although there may be some Saturdays occasionally, I get a bad Lumbergh kind of vibe about that) but Death? doesn't necessarily have weekends off.

But the pay is really good. In fact it's the most money that I have ever made and I will actually be making enough to enjoy myself rather than having to worry all the time. Plus I won't be spending too much because I won't be going out in the evenings spending money on dinners and whatnot. Of course I really enjoy going out and spending money on dinners and whatnot but it's probably better if I didn't. It is also a temp-to-hire position so after a few months, if I really don't like it, I can always find something else. I will have my days available to look for another job and it is always easier to get a job when you have one.

I'll also have my days to lounge around on the beach and to keep Down With Pants! going strong.


Pander 2 U

Posted by Brandon |

Ok ladies, I have a real question here. What do you think of Destiny Child's song Cater 2 U that is currently in the video rotation? If you haven't heard it, here are a few choice lyrics or you can view the video by clicking here...

Let Me Help You
Take Off Your Shoes
Untie Your Shoestrings
Take Off Your Cufflinks (Yeah)
What You Want To Eat Boo? (Yeah)
Let Me Feed You
Let Me Run Your Bathwater
Whatever You Desire, I'll Supply Ya

I Got Your Slippers, Your Dinner, Your Dessert, And So Much More
Anything You Want Just Let Me Cater To You

Boy Is There Something You Need Me To Do (Oh)
If You Want It (I Got It)
Say The Word (I Will Try It)
I Know Whatever I'm Not Fulfilling (Oh)
Another Woman Is Willing (Oh)

I'll Keep It Tight, I'll Keep My Figure Right
I'll Keep My Hair Fixed, Keep Rocking The Hottest Outfits
When You Come Home Late Tap Me On My Shoulder, I'll Roll Over
Baby I Heard You, I'm Here To Serve You (I'm Lovin It, I'm Lovin It)

Fulfill Your Every Desire (Desire)
Your Wish Is My Command (Command)
I Want To Cater To My Man

Seriously, I am the target audience here, I'm supposed to be all "oh yeah, I want a women that will cater 2 me!" But I think that the message that this is sending to both young women and men is awful. I mean come on, "Say the word (I will try it)" and "I know whatever I'm not fulfilling - another women is willing" aren't exactly empowering statements.

I personally think that Destiny's Child should be embarrassed by what they are saying and the message that they are sending. I thought that they had a little more respect for themselves than this.

But I'm curious what all the ladies think. What do you think about this song? What do you think about the sad state of women in popular music right now? Do you think I'm totally wrong? I'd love to hear from you.


Google AdSense

Posted by Brandon |

You may notice the Google AdSense box in my sidebar. Up until this point I have not had any advertising on Down With Pants! simply because I haven't spent a single penny on this site, why should I have any ads and make any money off of it. Plus, I particularly dislike blogs that have a bunch of ads on them. I understand if you own your own domain and spend a lot of money blogging but that doesn't mean that the ads need to overtake the content.

Anyway, that's not my goal here. I just wanted to try it out and see what happened. It's basically just an experiment into what everybody else in the blogging world is doing. I don't like how it looks on my site and I don't need the money (although I could use the money). I just want to see how it works. That's all. So I haven't sold out to the man. Yet.


Cesar's City of Arizona

Posted by Brandon |

I just got back from my first Dodgers game since moving down here. Dodgers Stadium is a great place to see a game once you figure out all of the little quirks and how to navigate your way around. Actually I was really frustrated with the stadium at first but once I sat down and the game started it was all good. It was a beautiful day for baseball and the game was very entertaining. The Dodgers came back from two runs down in the bottom of the ninth to beat the San Francisco Giants 5-4.

Anyway, one of the little facts about Cesar Izturis that they put up on the Diamondvision (above) perplexed quite a few people around me and even left me a little confused. I finally figured out what he meant by it but it still sounds pretty stupid. Maybe they should just go with his second favorite road city. What's that Cesar? It's Florida? Shit.


Hockey is Back!

Posted by Brandon |

editors note: this was originally posted over at the Sports Logo Pundit but I think it is important enough to bring over here. Plus, no blog is complete without a picture of Don Cherry, if you ask me.

I disagree with most people, I think hockey will be fine. In the cities that it currently exists the hockey fans have been patiently waiting and they will return. Those fans are the core of what hockey had before the lockout and they are rabid and will be back. Hockey fans are a little different than fans of other sports because many of them live and breathe nothing but hockey, even in cities like San Jose and Los Angeles. In cities that don't have hockey it will struggle to interest even rabid sports fans but hockey struggled to interest those people before the lockout.

For me I would watch solely for one reason. Don Cherry will be back on Hockey Night in Canada. He is worth the price of admission alone sometimes. I didn't miss the games so much last year as much as I missed his crazy ass. Unfortunately I have moved to California and we no longer get the CBC so I'll have to find another excuse. Thankfully I live much closer to a NHL franchise than I ever have before so getting to a game will be much easier.


Throw Motherfucking Rag!

Posted by Brandon |

Fuck yeah! Today marks the release of 13 Ft. and Rising, the kick ass new album by the greatest band rocking the stage today, Throw Rag. Tomorrow night is the CD release party at the Troubadour in Hollywood and the Down With Pants! crew will be right there celebrating with a fellow anti-pantster, the Captain Sean-Doe...

Seriously, if you have not seen this band live yet, do yourself a favor and get out there. No band puts on a higher energy and crazier show than the Rag.

If they aren't coming anywhere near you or you are old and cranky like me (although I get over this for the Rag) you can also pick up their Live at the House of Blues DVD and get a good sense of what makes this the best damn pirate punk band under the sun.



Posted by Brandon |

After a month of putting up with a bunch of crap from the State of Washington's Employment Security office, I finally got their decision on whether or not I should receive unemployment benefits. And their answer is.....NO! The reason? Quitting your job to relocate with your wife because she got a job out of state is not a "good cause" to quit. This means that keeping your job is more important than keeping your wife. Excuse me if I am wrong, but I thought we were supposed to be all about family values now?


Ponch is a Dirty Whore

Posted by Brandon |

I have had another sighting of Erik Estrada hawking property in shit holes across the Western states. Yesterday I found him hyping up Pagosa Lakes, Colorado. Sure it looks nice enough on the ads, but then again they made Ocean Shores, Washington look like paradise.

But that isn't the issue. The issue at hand is that Ponch is a dirty, dirty whore. Just look how he is dressed. In the first pictures in Ocean Shores he is wearing his Hawaiian shirt because, well naturally, he is at the beach (nevermind the fact that Ocean Shores doesn't have anything Hawaiian about it and it's fricking cold as crap). In this photo he is in his mountain man shirt and vest ready for adventure. He's gearing up to hunt him some bar.

The costumes add up to one conclusion: Erik Estrada is a role-playing fetish dirty whore. That probably costs them a little bit more per hour.


Top Hat Burger Palace

Posted by Brandon |

A burger joint here in Ventura whose claim to fame is the massive indigestion caused by it's chili burgers and that it was the site of a murder where DNA testing was used to prosecute a killer for the first time in California history, is closing later this month, and this brand new citizen couldn't be more upset.

I had driven by Top Hat numerous times and seen it teeming with people but never had an opportunity to stop. So when I heard the bad news this morning in the Ventura County Star I just had to rush down there. I love hole in the wall burger shacks like that. In Olympia we have Eagan's or Big Tom's. In Seattle it's Dick's. In Ventura it's Top Hat.

And the burgers are good. Tasty little nuggets of meat with delicious chili and cheese and good french fries. It's not the best burger I have ever eaten, but the atmosphere and nostalgia is what set Top Hat apart. They have to be the friendliest meat slingers that I have ever met conversing and joking with everybody despite the squalid and cramped working conditions. The customers patiently waited and commiserated despite a long wait due to the larger than average business generated by the article. In general you could just feel the love that everybody feels for Top Hat in this community. On the Star website the topic generated 287 comments. The most I've seen other than that was five.

But the nearly 40 year old landmark is losing it's lease at the end of the month because the developer that owns the property wants to build condos and storefront retail space. Top Hat doesn't want to move into the space citing that it wouldn't be the same. And the rent would likely double or triple and Top Hat would be priced out. Instead the space will probably house a bistro that will serve $15 tapas or $25 entrees and at least two wine bars following the yuppie trends in downtown Ventura.

Sadly we must say so long to the Top Hat. Historic downtown Ventura, modest working people and even this brand new citizen will really miss you.


The Second Coming

Posted by Brandon |

While sitting in my upper deck seat at Angel Stadium on Monday watching the Minnesota Twins beat the Anaheim Angels I was blown away by a new hairstyle. Unfortunately I wasn't able to get a good picture of it but hopefully from the above photo you can make out the 360 degree spike job that this guy was sporting.

Since moving to California I have seen new hairstyles daily, usually involving spiked hair on little boys. But this guy has taken it to a new level. If you can't really see it, I'll describe it for you. His hair is combed down from the middle all the way around. Then with about half an inch or maybe even an inch left he got out the product and gave it an 80-90 degree spike all the way around his head. Even in the back.

All I could think of was this guy woke up and wanted to wear a straw hat but didn't own one so he just created one for himself. Then I started thinking about the lily-white Anaheim crowd around me and how they seemed very Republican and overtly religious and then it hit me. This kid is a Jesus freak trying to replicate the crown of thorns! It wasn't enough for him to wear a t-shirt like most of the other Jesus freak kids do down here. He had to rock the crown of thorns hairstyle too.

Well, kudos I guess go out to this guy. It's definitely a unique hairstyle that must take a lot of patience and work each morning. Or maybe it's a miracle. Every morning he wakes up and his hair just styles itself that way. He wipes away a little bit of blood running down his face and goes about his day.

Is this guy the second coming? Is Armageddon near? Is it starting in the cheap seats at an Angels game? Either way, I think this hairstyle signals the coming of the end for our fair civilization. Blessed be the gel users.


Whoops! A DWP! Correction

Posted by Brandon |

I was going to write a big long post about my weekend trip to Orange County for a couple of baseball games but since my DSL is a joke I have to keep it short because I never know when it is going to go out on me wiping away everything I have done (again, I'm sorry to all the DSL complainers who I quietly have cursed. This sucks!).

Instead I need to make a correction. A couple of posts ago I mentioned that I thought Batman Begins was my favorite movie of 2005 so far. I forgot about Kung Fu Hustle for just a minute. It is far and away my favorite movie of the year and, looking ahead at the upcoming releases, has no real competitor to knock it from that slot. The only movie that even looks like a possibility is The Bad News Bears. That movie could be great with Billy Bob Thornton and the Bad Santa writers in charge.

But Batman Begins does come in second followed closely by The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy. Speaking of the Hitchhiker's Guide, I am currently rereading the book and I have to say that I like the movie even better than I did before. I think they did an excellent job Hollywood-izing it without losing the essence. Sure it's not exactly like the book and it does have some problems, but it could have been much, much worse and when considering a favorite book being made into a movie that's really all you can ask for.


Ponch Says "Come To Ocean Shores!"

Posted by Brandon |

Before I went to bed last night I decided to grab myself a bowl of cereal and watch the first part of Conan O'Brien. Unfortunately Conan was delayed because they had Wimbledon coverage at 11:30 so I was forced to do a little channel surfing. Imagine my horror when I saw this...

"Ocean Shores is beautiful, Ocean Shores is great, come to Ocean Shores!" said Llewellyn "Ponch" Poncharello. That's right, that is Erik Estrada in a half hour infomercial trying to sell Californians property in Ocean Shores, Washington.

There are just so many things wrong with this infomercial that it blows my mind. First of all, have you ever been to Ocean Shores, Washington? Well, three words come to mind when I think of Ocean Shores. Cold, wet and depressing. I've been to Ocean Shores hundreds of times and it has never been sunny. Seriously, maybe once but that's it. It could be 100 degrees in Olympia but once you hit Grays Harbor, it's 60, cloudy, a little rainy and windy. So why would any Californian want to move there? I live on the beach in California right now and let me tell you something, Washington beaches cannot compare, in any way.

Second, stop selling Californians property in Washington State! What evil corporation is actually attempting to lure these assholes up to our fair state? (if you reading this are Californian, I didn't mean you are an asshole, just everyone else). Well, it's a company in Irvine that has sunk their evil claws into some property and are now doing this creepy timeshare kind of thing with it. However, they will fly you for free up to Ocean Shores to have a look around. I'm thinking it might be a good way to get our Christmas flight home paid for.

Third, how far has Ponch fallen? Seriously, I thought The Surreal Life was as far as you could fall. I know people go on that show to hopefully give their careers a boost. But apparently it didn't do much for old Erik Estrada. They showed him in Ocean Shores walking around so that means that he had to go there at least for a few minutes. That really must of been a historic day for the city.

In closing, come on! Ocean Shores, Washington? You can't even sell Washingtonians on that town let alone Californians. Although some people are so desperate to move away from California for lower home prices they will move anywhere. Maybe I should buy some property in Cle Elum or Ritzville or Forks or some other piece of crap Washington town and start selling it above market price to Californians. I wonder if Corey Feldman is available to do the infomercials...Hmmmmm


My Today

Posted by Brandon |

Today was a weird day. It feels like nothing happened today and yet so much has. Being unemployed will do that to you.

It started out with a job interview. I interviewed at Technicolor in Camarillo for a customer service/data entry position that, quite honestly, sounds pretty boring. But the pay is really good for that kind of work so needless to say, I'm very interested in the position. It's a temp-to-hire job so even if I decide I hate it they won't be too heartbroken if I leave.

Technicolor is crazy! I've only ever worked in really small, rinky-dink business that have very few rules. So going into Technicolor, a massive corporation with many trade secrets, was very different. You have to pass through security twice, first when you arrive and again when you leave. They don't do a very thorough inspection when you come in but when you leave they practically strip search you. The plant in Camarillo transfers and produces DVD's for major motion picture companies so they must be protecting against anyone stealing advance copies. Anyway, it was very odd and kind of a culture shock to me.

Then I came home and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited for the DSL guy to show up so he could fix this mess that is our modem. Actually, he called and left a message while I was gone and let me know he was going to be late. That, at least, was a step in the right direction for a phone company. I was impressed with that kind of service. Finally he showed up at 1:30. 8-12 my butt! Thankfully it was just the modem that was messed up and he got us a new one and went on his way.

Death? started her residency for real today and was at work already 12 hours when she called and told me she had no idea when she would get to leave. So I had to entertain myself. Luckily one of the other HOD's (husband of doctor) called and decided to have an impromptu barbecue and Halo 2 session. I've never played XBox before so I was completely lost and was beaten brutally in the competitions we had. My game playing skills topped out at Super Nintendo. I can kick anyone's ass in Super Tecmo Bowl, but give me a controller with one hundred buttons on it and I can't do anything. I spent half the game looking at the walls.

But getting whooped in XBox was an excuse to get out of the house and actually have some social human contact. When you don't have a job, live in a new city and have no money at all, it's very easy to start feeling stir-crazy and I definitely have been feeling that at times this week despite keeping myself pretty busy.


Good TV

Posted by Brandon |

I was flipping through the channels this evening and two new shows caught my attention. I mean besides all of the Spanish language television. Right now I can't get enough of Cien Mexicanos Dijeron, I never liked Family Feud that much, but in Spanish it kicks ass!

But seriously, tonight I saw Bill Nye The Science Guy's new show
Eyes of Nye and, from the five minutes I saw, it is really, really good. It is a little bit more of a serious show for grownups but is still kind of goofy and irreverent. Tonight's episode was about nuclear power and how it needs to be stopped. He presented solid science and evidence to back up his position and made it very easy to see why nuclear power presents such a problem today.

Then while flipping I just barely caught the end of
Tavis Smiley's new TV show. He was one of my all time favorite NPR hosts before he left his show last year and I've been hoping he'd make a comeback sometime soon. He is one of the smartest and most entertaining men on TV right now and I look forward to watching his show more often.

Both of these shows air on PBS. Which, despite all of it's problems lately and despite all of the competition from other sources, still manages to churn out some of the best shows on television. It really is a shame that they are under such scrutiny and perhaps could lose a great deal of their funding soon because they are one of the only television outlets left with any decency. You can hate on their pledge drives and scream bloody murder about their liberal bias all you want but admit it, the television landscape would be far worse if it wasn't for PBS.