I Suck At Soccer

Posted by Brandon |

My soccer career may have come to an end tonight with a 3-2 playoff loss to a team that we should have beat. Unfortunately, I made a mistake playing defense and gave a guy an easy opportunity at a goal that tied the game which then led to the winning goal minutes later.

I suck at soccer. Here are my career numbers:

  • Zero wins
  • Sixteen losses
  • Two ties
  • No goals (except for one that was called back because of a foul at the other end of the field)
  • Three assists (sweet plays too, my only highlights)
  • Twelve goals against as a goalie
  • Three accidental boob grabs (I swear, totally an accident)
  • One crushing tackle on a girl (she ran in front of me, I couldn't stop)
  • One fight
  • One game played in the hardest rainstorm I have seen in California
  • Ten good players who played one game and then never showed up again
  • One guy juking the shit out of me and scoring an easy goal to tie up our playoff game
  • One really loud f-word following that goal
  • 25 really loud f-words total
  • Eighteen games that I blamed myself for not winning
  • Eighteen games that Death? got mad because I sulked and moped the rest of the night because I blamed myself for not winning.
We are taking the winter season off since most of us who play in every game are getting tired of the constant struggle to field a team and then the subsequent spankings that we take. Losing takes it's toll even if the game is only supposed to be for fun.

I'm really hard on myself so it's hard for me to have a lot of fun when I suck hard. On the other hand, I look forward to soccer all week long and I love to compete so I guess I'll have to find another sport to blow goats at to fill that need.


Anonymous said...

So help me out here... Is there a Fantasy Soccer League as well... because if your "real" soccer career sucks this much I would be very interested entering such a league with ya!

Dustin said...

Define "juking." Sounds both painful and simultaneously embarasing.

RW said...

Yeah. Actually kinda average at fantasy football too.

(spikes ball)

Brandon said...

Dutchy - No, this is real. The only fantasy involved is my fantasy of actually winning a game.

Dustin - juking is the physical act of one person faking you out so bad that you leave your jock behind you and can't recover. It's is both painful and extremely embarasing.

RW - I was told that I needed to throw a game. Congratulations.

Anonymous said...

I know it's real but I was hoping that when you suck at the real stuff you might also suck at the fantasy stuff and in that case I would love to enter a fantasy soccer league with ya. I'll beat your ass!!!

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