Rock Bottom of the Bowl Blues

Posted by Brandon |

Today I hit rock bottom.

Today I realized that a force in my life is taking it's toll on me, my body, my family, my bank account, my life. I can no longer live like this, I need to make a change. I need to fix this destructive force that has been controlling me for the last...what...31 years. I'm ready to admit it...

I have a substance abuse problem.

There, I said it.

I've known that I'd been indulging a little bit, but I guess I was the last person to really know about my full fledged problem. My wife has known for years and years about my problem and she's been trying to get me to recognize it but I've been too blind. But my eyes are open now and I have seen that it isn't all about me, me, me. I'm ready to admit it, I have a substance abuse problem.

My name is Brandon, and I'm a cerealaholic.

I was sitting on the couch playing with Addie and glanced into the kitchen where a box of Honey Bunches of Oats sat empty on the island. Printed across the top of the box were the words "Family" and "Size". Those words, written in big, bold, red letters spoke to me. They really hit me hard and deep in my soul.

Death? bought the box for me on Monday night. I finished a family size box of Honey Bunches of Oats, 18 servings worth, in three days. That's an average of six servings of cereal a day.

My name is Brandon, I'm a cerealaholic, and I need help.

I have another family size box of Honey Bunches of Oats in the pantry taunting me. I'm going to attempt to cut back my cereal consumption drastically with this box. Two servings a day, at the maximum. I need this box to last me nine days. That's a week and two days. That's Sunday of next week. I really don't know how I'm going to do it, I'm already thinking about that sweet bowl filled to the brim with oat-y goodness and cold, rich milk.

But if I can't control myself, I'm going to have to do something really, really drastic. I'm going to have to go cold turkey. No cereal for this cerealaholic. I cut soda out for Lent last year and I haven't bought a case since - we only buy 2 liters - so I think I can do it. I just don't want to have to take it to that extreme.

My name is Brandon, I'm a cerealaholic, I need help and I'm hungry.

Fight it Brandon, fight it. At least get through the first night of your new life.


Anonymous said...

This must be why I can never find Honey Bunches of Oats in the Southern California area...ever!

The first step is admitting your problem. Now you need a sponsor. Maybe Captain Crunch?

Sizzle said...

You had me a bit worried for a few sentences. But honestly, carbs are so addictive and cereal is SO good. I wish you the best in this battle!

kapgar said...

I thought you were one of the good ones. A man who loved his family in a sea of uncaring, prick husbands. But apparently you're no better than the rest.

How could you develop a cereal addiction??? Have you seen the price of a box of cereal? You inconsiderate bastard! At least develop an addiction on something more cost effective like crack or meth.

I had so much hope for you. :-(

Brandon said...

First, an update - I had the goal amount of cereal today, two servings. But, we ran out of milk so it made my decision much easier.

Hilly - I was thinking more along the lines of the Trix Rabbit. I've heard he's had a lot of success and I think we'd be good for each other.

Sizzle - Thanks, it's going to be tough. Cereal is so good.

Kapgar - Sorry to have let you down. My addiction has a further reaching impact than I originally thought. Perhaps I should take up meth or crack to replace cereal?

radioactive girl said...

My kids eat tons of cereal. I think my one son lives on cereal alone.

martymankins said...

Great post. I have always loved cereal... mostly the sugar loaded kind: Lucky Charms, Trix, Cocoa Puffs, Cap'n Crunch. As an adult, I go back and forth on my consumption. Lately, I've been adding healthy cereals to the mix like Grape Nuts and Raisin Bran. They tend to go down a lot easier in the morning, where if I have a bowl at night, it's got to be Lucky Charms or Trix.

Colin Brooks said...

We're all here for you and to support you through this. You can do it!

Brandon said...

Radioactive Girl - Be careful, cereal is not as innocuous as it looks. I'm a good example.

Marty - Not me, no healthy stuff on this diet. I'm sugar cereal all the way. I'm just glad that Chocolate Lucky Charms are so hard to find now.

Colin - Thanks! But where were you last night when I almost broke down?