DOWN WITH PANTS!

I haven't posted political in quite some time, but reading today's news that our feckless leader George W. Bush has given his big OK to the EPA to relax environmental standards to help our gas shortage problem has led me to break my political silence. Despite his posturing about conservation and whatnot, this is bullshit and it is pissing me off.

Sure the president is saying a lot of the right things. Preaching conservation, encouraging people to purchase hybrids, calling on congress to repeal $2 billion dollars in tax breaks that he recently signed into law, and calling on his administration to investigate price gouging: That is all well and good.

But let's be honest with ourselves. Bush is a former oilman, like just about everybody else in his administration, and they still have strong ties to the oil companies. Nothing that hurts these companies will ever get done. It is all just a smoke screen to hide the loosening of regulations on big oil in the name of lower gas prices.

It's just public relations, it's just politics. Don't get fooled by his sudden lefty leaning talk, it is not sincere (same as his take on immigration). He has his fingers crossed behind his back whenever he makes a speech. He is telling everybody exactly what they want to hear. The environmentalists are hearing the conservation bullshit, conservatives are hearing the relaxing regulations bullshit, and everybody is hearing the lower gas prices bullshit.

It is all bullshit. No matter what happens, gas prices will temporarily drop, but a year from now they will have gradually gone back up and then will spike to record levels once more. In the meantime, ANWR will be tapped, environmental regulations will have been blown out of the water, Ford will release a tractor-trailer sized SUV and all the hybrids purchased in the last year will be recalled due to safety concerns. The oil companies will still have record profits and your ass won't be able to afford to even get to the gas station to get a fill up.

Don't let this happen. Don't be fooled. Suck it up, pay the prices, complain all you want, do whatever makes you feel better, just don't let this administration roll back all of the efforts that conservationists have made in the past 20 years. Gas prices will fall when oil companies realize that they can no longer manipulate and trick everybody. Until then, prices will continue to rise and our environment will suffer and nobody in the administration will do anything about it.

This was originally posted over at The Sports Logo Pundit a couple of weeks ago. I thought it was really funny, because it was completely true. The girls really did write things that dumb, and it amazed me. So, because I don't have an original bone in my body today, I bring it to Down With Pants! for a little shameless cross-promotion. Enjoy!

Oh yeah, I'm watching Two and a Half Men right now and I'm a little creeped out. I'm having a hard time watching Charlie Sheen's character now that I know what a sicko he is. We knew about hookers and porno, but the rest of it is so gross that I can't separate his him from his character. Kind of a bummer, I was just starting to like this show.

The Central Valley Coyotes of the af2 are one of a growing number of professional sports franchises owned by Native American tribes. The Tachi Yokut Tribe of the Lemoore, California area has operated the team out of Selland Arena in Fresno since they left Bakersfield and changed their name from the super lame Blitz to the Coyotes.

The Tachi Yokut's symbol, like many native tribes, is the coyote. Coyote is featured in a very dignified and honorable way in the Tribe's logo, which is featured prominently on the nation's website and at their casino, where Coyote is done in purple neon (very honorable). So why has poor Coyote had his head decapitated in the Central Valley Coyotes logo? At first glance, that is what I see, bloody entrails and all.

Enough about the logo though, I think it is time for another edition of "Meet Your Minor League Football Dance Team"...

Julie
Julie's perfect date "would begin with a shopping spree," so either you need some serious money or you won big on "Supermarket Spree" in the 80's. That would be "followed by dinner at a nice restaurant, and finally a dance show." The next day you could ponder your empty bank account and consider digging your eyes out with a spoon while watching her favorite movie "Steel Magnolias" and her favorite TV shows, "The Real World" and "Laguna Beach".

Cassie
Cassie's role model is Britney Spears "because she is an amazing dancer and performer, and she still has time for a family." And, like Julie, Cassie loves to shop. So enjoy that cash while you can Mr. Federline.

Brooke
Brooke sure loves her music, apparently she likes "everything but blues". Her extensive knowledge of music history is amazing. Her favorite Old Skool artist: Brittney Spears. Favorite Nu Skool artist: Gwen Stefani. And she loves her grandparents listing her grandfather as her all time role model, right up there with Adrianna Lima because "she's HOTT".

Brittany
Now you can have your cake and eat it too. Brittany describes her perfect date as "anywhere that my boyfriend takes me." And she offers some sagelike wisdom - "Dont frown cause you never know who is falling in love with your smile." Very wise that Brittany.

Brittani
Filling the requisite dance team role as second Britt-ani-any-ney-eny, Brittani is fun: she enjoys sleeping, shopping and eating". Brittani is driven: her role model - "Paris Hilton - she's the best shopper of all time..." And Brittani is modest listing her perfect date as "someone who is just as cute, smart and funny as me. Hey a mirror (j/k)!!!"

Amanda
Finally, Amanda has already had her perfect date in which "M.G. =)" made a commitment to her by giving "a promise ring, that shows that he loves and cares for you!! YEAH IT WAS AWESOME" Good, that gives you plenty of time helping her with her hobby of "Rhinestoning Everything because it makes things more PRETTY!!"

God bless you Valley Girls, and all of you Minor League Football Cheerleaders and Dance Teams. You make community college worth attending. Keep up the good work!

Today is blog maintenance day here at Down With Pants! I'm doing a bunch of work to improve the blogging experience and I need a little bit of advice from my valued readers, if any of them are around.

The first thing I would like to know is, do you prefer the bolder font that I have been using for quite some time or should I stop bolding everything and go with the font that I am using in this post?

Just scroll down the page to see the difference and leave me a comment and let me know what you like better. Thanks!

One of the best things about living down here in Southern California is Spanish language television. And not just Univision or Aztec America or whatever station your satellite or cable television provider has on their extended lineup. No, we have these incredibly bad Spanish stations that broadcast locally produced shows.

My favorite of the local variety shows has a segment entitled "Machete". Think of it as a modern Gong Show, en espanol, complete with awful Norteno music, a big fat gangster locked in a cage, huge fake titties and a midget. What more could you possibly ask for? Click on the image below to watch the madness...

I taped it on my digital camera. I can't figure out when its normal time slot is, and it surprised me when I found it on today. So the video looks terrible, the sound is nearly non-existent and more than likely, you wouldn't be able to understand a word of what they are saying anyway. But if you ask me, strippers and midgets are a universal language.

I don't mean to make my blog all Paul Davidson, all the time. But I have been reading his book Consumer Joe lately and it has hit too close to home for me. I basically have the same job as all of the corporate lackey customer relations specialists that so generically respond to his outrageous questions, and this book makes me sad for my semi-chosen profession (or temporary time filler, as I like to refer to it).

Why does public relations and customer service have to be so boring? Whenever I receive comments and questions like David Paulson's I can't help but get creative and a little crazy right back at them. Sometimes it is the only way to respond to the crazies like Consumer Joe and have them understand what you are talking about.

Sometimes I do it unsolicited. The other day I told a big long story in an email to a customer about how a truck containing some of our backordered item was hijacked en route to our warehouse and that the products were being held for ransom. I also responded to another customer's question explaining that magical pixies applied their free coffee to their order between the time they placed the order and when we shipped it.

At Archie McPhee I would come across old orders in the computer complete with page long letters addressed to customers regarding problems with their order that read more like dungeons and dragons stories, fairy tales or twisted history books. I'm sure that Archie customers appreciated these stories more than anybody, but ever since then I have incorporated stories like those into my correspondence with customers. I was a little afraid that my yuppie coffee drinkers wouldn't appreciate my humor, but so far, the reaction has been great and I plan to continue with this style from here on out.

Telling terrible stories and being a goofball is just who I am and it occasionally translates into my work. I think a personal response, no matter how looney tunes it is goes a long ways. It doesn't really matter what you say in an email to a customer, just as long as you eventually truthfully address their concerns and make everything right by them.

I don't know how the customer service reps in Paul's book could bear to do their jobs in such a uniform, dull way or how they think that it is good customer service to do so (and customer service has suffered massively over the past few years because of it, but that is a subject for a whole other post).

People are crazy, and if you are going to try to relate to them, you have to be just as crazy, if not crazier. Isn't that the dictionary definition of the term "customer relations"?

OFFICIAL DWP! PRESS RELEASE - FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

(Ventura, CA) - The entire Down With Pants! community is saddened and sickened by the news that one of our own, Larry, was gunned down by assassins in an apparent ambush by paramilitary political extremeists. Larry was the white guy, people thought he was funny. A real estate investor, he made a lot of money. DWP! will never be the same.

While out on official Down With Pants! business this afternoon, Larry stopped at the Top Hat Burger shack in downtown Ventura for chili fries. Top Hat is the place where the cool hang out, the SWASS like to play and the rich flaunt clout. After grubbing down his chili fries, Larry naturally had to use the public restroom up the block. Gunmen waited for his entrance and Larry was murdered, execution style in a stall. Passersby outside reported that six masked men, all wearing pants, ran out of the restroom yelling "Arriba Con Pantalones!"

DWP! promises swift retribution to whoever perpetrated this terrible crime and issues this statement to Larry's killers: "Boy I got a def posse you got a bunch a dudes. Your broke cold crying about the rock man blues. Ya beat up on your girl and now your all upset. She's with the Down With Pants! posse on the Broadway set."

Clockin' lots of dollars, we all got gold. But cruisin in this Benz and ain't got no place to go will never be the same without Larry. He is survived by five fella's and 22 freaks. PLB!!!

--50--

Just wanted to give a quick shout-out to my renter The Pink Shoe and to encourage you to go visit her site. There is much talk and pictures of Guacamole and Alcohol. Nice.

Back tomorrow with non-Lost Blog material. Happy late Easter!

Without further delay, it is now time to reveal the identity of this week's guest blogger. The racist, violent and ridiculously good baseball player, Ty Cobb. Congratulations to Kevin for guessing correctly on the very first day and to everybody else who eventually got it right.

As far as clues go, I really didn't write my posts to purposely contain a lot of clues. Instead I wanted to tell stories that would paint a picture of how bad a dude Ty Cobb was. I assumed that everybody knew who Ty Cobb was and that he was the biggest asshole to ever play the game. I figured that given just these awful stories you could easily guess who it was. I may have been wrong in that assumption.

Anyway, looking at the posts I have identified a few clues that probably helped you make a guess...

Day 1 - First of all, the biggest thing, he is obviously a baseball player. Also, he is riding a train to Chicago, which sets a time period, albeit pretty broad. But for all of you Googlers (and I know you are out there), I gave you two names. Siever and McIntyre. If you put Siever, McIntyre and Baseball into a Google search the first page you get is "Did All Of Ty Cobb's Team Mates Hate Him?"

Day 2 - One big clue, he wins the batting title. I also throw in a couple of names, Nap and Corriden. Again, for you Googlers, if you put Nap, Corriden and Batting Title into a search you get an obituary for Nap Lajoie that describes the same thing that happens in this post. By the way, I was bored and just felt like throwing in those Berman references, they had nothing to do with anything. But if you didn't read the Berman articles you should. They are very disturbing and ridiculously funny.

Day 3 - Only concrete, factual clue is the name of his wife, Charlie. The story is what is important here. It was one that he told all of his life and in many ways seemed very proud of. However, it subsequently has been proven to have never happened. There are parts of it that are true, but it appears that he never did kill the mugger as he describes.

Day 4 - A couple of major clues: I said he was a Georgia boy. I also gave you all three cities that he played professional baseball, Royston, Augusta and Detroit. But the important thing to know is the story. Cobb hated Ruth with all of his might because of how he changed the game and how fans adored his style as opposed to Cobb's. Cobb always felt that his style was superior, ranting and raving about the subject all the way until his death. To prove that Ruth was no big deal, Cobb decided to play like him for just one series and, as you read, resoundingly accomplished what he set out to prove.

Day 5 - In the title of the post I gave you part of his famous nickname, The Georgia Peach. Plus, the first induction class of the Baseball Hall of Fame should be easy to Google, especially since I gave you the year and the names of all the guys he was inducted with.

Thanks again to everybody who emailed or commented and to everybody who participated. I had a great time doing this. It really was a lot of fun and I was blown away by the creativity that a lot of people put into these posts. I learned a lot and I found a ton of new blogs that I will continue reading even after today.

Now I'm really looking forward to reading Paul Davidson's The Lost Blogs just to see how we all compared.

Day 5 of the GBBMC to promote Pauly's new book, The Lost Blogs. Can you guess who my guest blogger is? Email me with your guesses or just leave them in the comments, I don't care. Four people have guessed correctly now, congratulations. This post pretty much gives it away, if you ask me. But if you can't get it check back on Saturday when I reveal who this Lost Blogger is.

Day 4 of the GBBMC to promote Pauly's new book, The Lost Blogs. Can you guess who my guest blogger is? Email me with your guesses or just leave them in the comments, I don't care. Only two people have guessed correctly so far but there are a ton of good clues in this one.

This Is My Game, Fatty

I have to ask you, how can anybody consider that fat son-of-a-bitch Ruth a better ballplayer than Our Hero after what I did this week? Nobody, absolutely nobody. My old, aching bones showed that I am twice the player than Ruth can ever dream of being. I stuck it straight up his ass and gave it a turn. Now I can go back to the right way of playing this game instead of Babe's bastard version of baseball.

Ever since Ruth switched from being a pitcher that I ate for lunch to this abomination of a baseball player back in '18, I have sat back and watched this waste dominate the game. Until a couple of days ago, I never stooped to his level. I knew who was better and that was all that mattered.

But I just couldn't take it anymore. I told some flake reporter that all I was going to do was swing for the fences during this series. All I did was go 6-for-6 with three homeruns in the first game and the next day I hit another two homers. Not too shabby for an old-catfish like myself.

I can hit a homerun anytime I want to, but who wants to just jog around the bases like that. Maybe some beer guzzling, womanizing, gonorrhea laden, half-negro who doesn't even belong in the game. But I say to hell with that. I prefer to come in shin high, spikes out like I have always done. From Royston to Augusta to Detroit. A Georgia boy like me doesn't waddle, we sprint. Sprint and destroy.

You won't see me in a trot ever again, even if I hit that ball over the fence, someone's going to be on his ass. I may be an old man but I am still the best player in this game, bar none. I can do whatever I want, when I want. I hope that son-of-a-bitch Ruth got the message during his bed rest.

For those of you who are looking for the 2006 Sitcom Tournament - Round 2, I have moved it over to The Sports Logo Pundit so that it didn't get buried by or bury this Lost Blogs thing. Click here to read the results of the first round and my votes for the second round.

Day 3 of the GBBMC to promote Pauly's new book, The Lost Blogs. Can you guess who my guest blogger is? Email me with your guesses or just leave them in the comments, I don't care.

Best 2-for-4 Day Ever!

Good lord it's been a busy week, but damn it's been good one. I hopped on a train to Syracuse for an exhibition game, went 2-for-4 with a couple of stolen bases, spiked some rube right in the shins (that dirty SOB bled like crazy!) and killed myself a mugger.

You heard me right, I can't believe it either. I went 2-for-4 and I'm happy with that? Well, I had to barrel over that fat bastard they had playing first base on one of my outs, I think I might have broken his shoulder, so that is almost as good as a hit. You know, that's what I do, I've got to stake my claim. People are going to get hurt. I'm out there playing with a knife cut in my back, I just have to level the playing field a bit.

How did I get cut? It's no big deal really. I was driving my Chalmers to the train station with Charlie (she always comes with me to see me off and then drives the car back after I leave) when I saw these three guys waving at me to stop, so I slowed down to see what they wanted. Next thing I know they are shoving a knife in my face and demanding all of our money.

You should know by now that no son-of-a-bitch messes with Our Hero, so I did what I had to do. I came out of the car swinging, I got two of the punks down on the ground when the third jumped on my back and stuck his knife right in me. Without even so much as a whimper, I hopped up, pulled my gun and started firing. Unfortunately, the damn thing stuck.

These three bastards, knowing how lucky they just got, jumped to their feet and started running. I ran down one of them and left him in a really sorry state. Then I cornered another in a dead end alley off of Trumbull. My piece of junk gun finally did some good. I beat him viciously, slashing his face completely off with the sight on my Luger. I left him there, not breathing, in his own rotten blood. Guess he learned his lesson.

I went back to the car, stuck a kerchief in my wound, drove to the station, kissed the wife goodbye and then hopped on the train to Syracuse where I had a couple of hits. You know, just another week in the life of Our Hero.

Day 2 of the GBBMC to promote Pauly's new book, The Lost Blogs. Can you guess who my guest blogger is? Email me with your guesses. And my guest blogger has informed me that he will be live blogging tonight so look for updates all night long...

The Race

Took the last two games off, I can barely see because of these eyes of mine. But it's the last game of the season and my .385 average should hold up if that French son-of-a-bitch doesn't go off today in St. Louis. I decided that I should try my hand at this "live blogging" thing that everybody is doing these days. So for the next couple of hours I'll be following the games on the teletype and updating you on how that bastard is doing. New posts will be on the bottom...

Game One: 1st Inning - Damn, Chris Berman is typing the game. I hate that fat bastard. I get the point, you know the suburbs. Shut up and call the game. Nap will bat in a few minutes.

1st Inning - The bastard bunts for a base hit. They must have the grass cut tall or something tonight. I'd like to give that groundskeeper a good beating. - 1-for-1

3rd Inning - That French SOB tripled this time. I don't know how his ancient legs could get him all the way to third, but somehow he did it. Sounds like the outfielders weren't exactly busting ass to get that ball either. 2-for-2

4th Inning - Speaking of groundskeepers, have I ever told you the story about how I choked the life out of the wife of a negro groundskeeper in Augusta a few years ago. That's a funny one, maybe I'll tell you later.

5th Inning - Another bunt. He just dropped it down the line toward that rookie Corriden who barely made an effort. Why would he be playing all the way back on the outfield grass? Nap already bunted once. Just doesn't make any sense. - 3-for-3

6th Inning - Brandon just IM'ed me and said "I opened the door to throw my freshly washed clothes in the dryer and found ten dryer sheets from someone's previous load. What happened? Did they skip the washing part of doing laundry?." Ummm...Who is Brandon and what the hell is a dryer sheet?

7th Inning - Another goddamn bunt. What the hell is that lump Corriden doing? Apparently he was just standing on the outfield grass again. Why would any third baseman in his right mind play Frenchy way back there? He's getting the sharp side of my spikes as soon as I see him next season. - 4-for-4

Game One Final - 4-for-goddamned-4! A triple and three bunt base hits! That bastard is trying to shove it up my ass. Oh Nellie how I wish I was on that field. I would take my bat and smash Corriden's skull in right in two. What the hell is that rook doing? Of course he wouldn't try that if I was there. He knows better than that.

Game Two: 1st Inning - Well, Frenchy is in the lineup and leads off with yet another bunt single, this time to the shortstop. He just made my "too spike" list. I'm going to have a lot of work to do next season. - 5-for-5

2nd Inning - Another IM from Brandon. He keeps raving about how he hates Rory's boyfriends and how stupid Lorelai is acting and on and on and on. Between you and me, I think this Brandon fella is a bit of fruit. Welcome to the spike list Brandon.

3rd Inning - Finally, Frenchy makes an out. Things are looking up for Our Hero. - 5-for-6

5th Inning - Surprise, surprise, bunt single. That old catfish is starting to creep up on me now. He's getting up there. Corriden didn't even bother charging that one. No throw, no nothing. Nap could have walked to first. - 6-for-7

6th Inning - OMG! I just found the funniest story about that fat bastard Chris Berman. Click here and here to read more.

7th Inning - Bunt single. Corriden? Dead! - 7-for-8

9th Inning - This should be Nap's last at-bat. GODDAMNIT! HE LAID DOWN ANOTHER BUNT SINGLE AND CORRIDEN DIDN'T DO A DAMN THING! OH THAT IS IT, THAT BOY IS GONE, I'LL BEAT HIM LIKE I BEAT SIEVER. HE WON'T KNOW WHAT HIT HIM. NOBODY MESSES WITH OUR HERO LIKE THAT AND LIVES TO TELL THE TALES. - 8-for-9

Game Two Final - A triple and seven bunt singles, six to Corriden and one to the shortstop. 8-for-9 on the day. But after doing the math it looks like Our Hero is still on top. No matter: Corriden? Dead! Frenchy? Dead! O'Connor? Dead! Brandon? Dead! Niedermeyer? Dead!

You may remember my hard hitting expose on Erik Estrada and his appearances (here, here and here) in infomercials hawking real estate in shithole backwaters across the country. Well, I am very sad to break the news that Ponch has disappeared apparently devoured by Chuck Woolery and his pretty shirt.

So now, let us mourn the loss of Erik Estrada, the only man who can make Ocean Shores, Washington look like Paradise...

Maybe not, but here are a few things going on in the Down With Pants! world...

1. I don't know where I came across it, but I stumbled onto the One Million Blogs project earlier this week and, in an impulsive mood, I purchased a group of blocks to promote Down With Pants! It is the first money that I have ever spent blogging. The guy who runs it, Dave is really cool, you should go sign yourself up just for the heck of it.

2. I also just signed up for Kapgar.com's Lost Blogs Campaign promoting Paul Davidson's new book, The Lost Blogs. I'm currently in the middle of reading Paul's Consumer Joe and am loving every minute of it so I figure why not give back a little. So next week I will be posting as a historical figure and you have to guess who it is, I'm always up for new ideas for blog posts so it should be a lot of fun. Now I just have to think of someone to write as.

3. We saw G. Love and Special Sauce last night here in Ventura. I haven't seen them in years and I forgot just how good they are. Unfortunately, I hate the crowd that he draws. Post-college frat boys and sorority girls made up a majority of the crowd. It's fine that they come, But I would rather see a more diverse crowd, his music deserves it.

4. After thinking about Harold and Kumar so much on Tuesday I decided to watch the movie again Wednesday night. It is even funnier than I remembered. One of the t-shirts that I am considering making says simply "Business Hippie"

5. Speaking of G. Love and Business Hippies, at the show last night we saw a guy with dreadlocks, long, bushy, unkempt beard, Birkenstocks, ratty t-shirt and torn jeans, smoking a bowl and dancing like an earth child. Then he took out his cell phone and took a picture. It was one of the most contradictory sights I have ever seen.

6. Seriously, am I the only one without a cell phone?

7. Finally, (although I know I am forgetting something I wanted to say) the voting is nearly finished for the first round of the 2006 Sitcom Tournament. I will post the winners on Saturday (the wife is on call, so I have nothing else to do but blog on a weekend) and make my second round picks. A couple of the first round results are stunning.

I'm seriously considering starting a website dedicated 100% to Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle in which I would almost completely copy what the guys over at Lebowski Fest have done. I don't know if I could ever actually pull off a H&K Fest, there would be way too many burnouts there, plus we don't have White Castle out on the West Coast. Maybe a Harold and Kumar Fan Caravan To White Castle would work. That would probably be a blast.

I think I could at the very least sell a couple of t-shirts. There isn't much in the way of Harold and Kumar gear available for the hardcore fan. It might be a copyright infringement, but it could be fun for a little while.

If anyone reads this and wants to take up the cause, go right ahead. I'm more than willing to let you steal my idea to get this off the ground. All I ask for is a free t-shirt and a little credit, that's all.

I created a Down With Pants! group on Frappr a few weeks ago and never did anything with it. But I happened to remember it this morning and it made me sad. My poor little blue marker looks so lonely on that big map. It really could use some company. So please, if you have a moment, go join >my Down With Pants! Frappr group. It looks so lonely without you.

Also, if you haven't seen them already, check out The Office's "The More You Know" PSA's. They aren't nearly as funny on the NBC homepage as they are when you accidentally see them in the middle of The West Wing though.

Speaking of The West Wing, I loved the everybody-gets-laid episode last night. It's about time. Now that we got the sex out of the way, all hell will break loose until the last episode and, despite all of the criticism that has been lobbed it's way, I will love every minute of it. I don't care what anyone says, I sure will miss The West Wing, even it's neutered version from the past couple of years.