DOWN WITH PANTS!

I really want a fancy, semi-professional logo for Down With Pants! that I can put on some merchandise. Unfortunately I rock two less than ideal graphic design programs on my computer, MS Paint and Microsoft Picture-It, so I can't do shit.

If anyone is willing to design me a logo please drop me an email at downwithpants@gmail.com. I can't really pay you for the design but we could work out some kind of trade or a small payment or something. Maybe I could give you a cut if I were to actually sell any products. Whatever, I just want something I can throw on a t-shirt for myself to wear.

I want to thank everybody for helping me become the sixth website listed on Yahoo! for the search Bella Vista Arkansas Whore. I'm actually surprised a big picture of Ponch doesn't just come up when you do that search.

God I hope so. Friday afternoon on my lunch break I had a job interview with a really cool little tiny toy company here in Ventura. It was one of the best interviews I have ever had and I think the chances of getting this job are very high. It would probably pay less than what I currently make, but my happiness with the job itself would far outweigh that negative.

Plus I would actually get to live and work in the same city, something that hasn't happened in two years now. I didn't think that commuting thirteen miles one way would take a toll on me but I'm currently spending more time driving from Ventura to Camarillo and back than I ever did going the 25 miles from Seattle to Mukilteo and then back again. Oxnard traffic should not be worse than North Seattle traffic, but it is, and it is really pissing me off.

So for the next few days I have to wait and hope that I get this job. I'm just not cut out for the corporate lifestyle and I'm ready to be back with a small, cool, creative company where my contribution is actually appreciated and makes a huge difference. Vacation pay and sick days would be really nice too.

I have finally met my nemesis. The greatest opponent that I have ever faced lives right here in our apartment complex. Never before have I been beaten so soundly than when I have to do battle with this...

That's right, I have been beaten by a goddamn washing machine. Every time I do laundry it kicks my ass. The first time I did laundry it overflowed flooding the entire laundry room leaving about a half inch of water on the floor. I filled it up to the same point as I have always filled any other washing machine, but this one wanted to fuck me over so it spewed forth, ruining a rug and my day.

Then when I finally figured out the level to which I can fill it and not have it overflow, it decided that it needed to fuck with me some more. So now every time I walk away and go back upstairs it goes out of balance and shuts off. When I come back a half hour later it hasn't done a damn thing but sit there and get funky. When I sit in the laundry room and watch it, it never screws up, but as soon as I leave it goes all to hell. It is so frustrating.

But I like a challenge. I like to compete. So I will continue to use my nemesis, the washing machine, instead of going to a laundromat. I will eventually prevail. Victory will be mine. Either that or laundry will always take hours upon hours to do. I'd put my money on the hours and hours if I were you.

I don't post about politics very much anymore, simply because I grew tired of reading political blogs and the fighting that occurs so often on them and didn't wish that to come to Down With Pants! But I'm starting to get really pissed off about some things (I have been pissed, it's just starting to bubble over now) and you may start to see more political posts.

I also want to urge you to go to ABC Family's feedback page and lodge a formal complaint about their airing of the hate-filled 700 Club where each and every night for the past month Pat Robertson has basically prayed for the deaths or sicknesses of Supreme Court justices. The 700 Club is not family programming and is a boil on an otherwise inoffensive and decent television station. If you feel the same way, please let them know. The following is the comment that I sent them...

Dear ABC Family:

Please remove Pat Robertson and the 700 Club from your schedule as soon as possible. This show is not appropriate for a channel that describes itself as "family" and doesn't deserve to be labeled as such. Pat Robertson has gone too far over the past month and it is time to remove him from your station. Robertson has every right to say what he has been saying, but that doesn't mean that you or other people who value families should be hosting and spreading his messages of hatred in between good and decent programming.

I just watched Pat Robertson pray for "vacancies" to open up on the Supreme Court. Of course, one of the main ways to have a vacancy on the Court is for someone to die. So, in so many words, Robertson asked God to kill a couple of Supreme Court justices for him. And, as I am sure you know, yesterday he called for the assassination of Venezuela's Hugo Chavez. He routinely wishes and prays to God for awful things to happen to people right there on ABC Family.

Bloodlust is not a Christian value. Vengeance is not a Christian value. Hatred is not a Christian value. And by no means should they be considered family values. By keeping the 700 Club on ABC Family, you are telling people that these are family values and I, as someone who cherishes my family more than anything else, do not appreciate it.

Please do whatever it takes to get these values that Pat Robertson holds in such high esteem off of your otherwise fine family station.

Sincerely,

Today while flipping through the channels and realizing the only thing worth watching was the Little League World Series I ran across yet another infomercial featuring Down With Pants! new favorite shill, Erik Estrada. He was demonstrative as ever pumping up Bella Vista, Arkansas, located mere miles from Bentonville, home to Wal-Mart's corporate headquarters. Oh boy, it really must be fabulous!

We've so far seen him promoting Ocean Shores, Washington, Pagosa Lakes, Colorado, California City, California (no pictures of this yet, it is rarely on, mainly because it truly looks like a desolate wasteland) and now Bella Vista, Arkansas. This is such a fun game to play. What craphole will Erik Estrada be selling us next or as I like to call it Where in the World is Ponch Poncharella? I smell a PBS game show in my future!

Update: Oh my god! That is disgusting! I finally saw the picture on Blagg Blogg and it is awful. Christ on a crutch that is gross. Even more proof Carrot Top is on steroids. For more awful Carrot Top grossness, click here and here and here

Can anybody tell me why so many people are looking for Carrot Top pictures today? I have had the most hits I have ever had and almost all of them are images searches for Carrot Top. I thought maybe he died or something but I can't find any news about him anywhere. Why the sudden interest?

A big thank you to Mark for making this toys suggestion. It has kind of morphed into a rant about my job, but I assure you that it does have something to do with toys. I still need one last suggestion for Friday's post. Please leave drop me a comment with what you want to hear about...

I didn't talk a lot about it when I was working there, but before I moved to California I worked for arguably the coolest toy store in the world, Archie McPhee. It was a great job that I loved despite some common annoyances that go along with any job. The products that they make are not mainstream crap and neither is the company. Typically tatooed, pierced and punk rocked out, my coworkers were what made the job great. That and the fact that we got half-priced (or even free) toys all the time.

Now I work at a job that is perhaps the complete opposite of Archie McPhee. My job now is uber-corporate, staunchy, and uninteresting. I am surrounded mostly by business people who seem very mainstream and conservative (luckily the people right next to me are cool and fun, although possibly pretty conservative). Where as I was once surrounded by amazing toys all day long, I am now surrounded by paperwork.

So to balance out my universe, and to possibly shake things up a bit, I have started to bring in my Archie McPhee toys. My little itty-bitty work area now features the Cubes...

And, complete with weapons ready to rape and pillage, Blackbeard...

Earlier this week we got an email from our lead telling us that management was really upset at how messy our desks were and that we needed to clean them up before Friday. So I cleaned up my desk (it was one of the few that wasn't very dirty) and I cut up a bunch of paper into little strips and messed up the desks of my cubes. I know, I know...really rebellious Brandon you big corporate puss. Whatever, it still made me feel a little bit better.

I need to go through the rest of my vast collection of toys and find some other good, somewhat rebellious items to accompany me and make me feel better about my corporate job. In the meantime visit Archie McPhee and pick yourself up some of the coolest toys anywhere in the world.

Thanks to Dave for the awesome suggestion (all of the suggestions have been great so far). I still need a suggestion for Friday so leave them in the comments please...

Five movies that I hate (or hated so much at the time that I couldn't continue watching) with a passion (in chronological order for no particular reason)...

1. Powder (1995) - Oh boy, the little Albino freak has special powers and changes everybody around him. Well, I never got that far because I had to leave and demand my dollar back (Olympia still had the great $1 theater downtown at that point). All I could think about was the fact that director and writer Victor Salva is a convicted child molester. Knowing that fact alone made nearly every one of the film's wretched scenes creepy and wrong.

2. Mr. Wrong (1996) - Another movie that I paid a dollar to see, left halfway through and demanded my dollar back (the guy couldn't give me a dollar from the till, but gave me a dollar of his own and apologized for the movie. I left it on the counter when he turned his back). Mr. Wrong starred a pre-out of the closet Ellen Degeneres and Bill Paxton or Bill Pullman, whichever one was in Spaceballs. It just wasn't funny in the least bit. It wasn't even bad enough to be funny. It was just plain bad. It was Ellen's first chance at being a lead actress and she blew it with this piece of shit wrapped up in a bag of garbage. Notice how she hasn't been in any other movies? This is the greatest reason of them all.

3. Happiness (1998) - One of the most critically acclaimed independent films of all time, so there should be no surprise that it is also one of the most boring movies of all time. There wasn't a single character in this film that I liked, rooted for, sympathized with or enjoyed getting to know. I'm sure that was partially the point, but I don't really care. I don't go to the movies to see middle aged people who are bored with themselves and their lives and don't do anything about it except masturbate against a wall. And that was the best scene in the film. At least there was a one climax in this movie.

4. Holy Smoke (1999) - Another indie film that got rave reviews, Holy Smoke starred Harvey Keitel (who was red-hot at the time) and Kate Winslet. It sounded like an interesting enough premise. Keitel is hired by the parents of Winslet's parent to de-program her after falling under the influence of a religious guru but meets his match in Winslet. I don't remember it that well, but I remember that I thought the story was so stupid, the characters so annoying and, if I remember correctly, the drug tripping scenes (there were multiple ones) totally retarded. I ended up just fast forwarding through it to see if anything interesting happened or if Winslet got naked. She did, quite a few times, but that still didn't make it worth the rental fee.

5. Punch-Drunk Love (2002) - Possibly the movie I hate more than any movie ever. Another film that got rave reviews, Adam Sandler stars in this, his first serious role. Nothing happens throughout the entire film. Nothing. Maybe something does late, but I don't think so, we fast forwarded through it just to see if there was some kind of payoff, but there wasn't. I could only take so much of the one camera angle and Sandler sitting there doing absolutely nothing for about half an hour. Nothing made any sense and there wasn't a plot that I could pick out. Death? and I just started screaming at the screen. "FOR GOD SAKES! DO SOMETHING! ANYTHING!" Even in fast-forward it was slow moving and boring. God I hate this movie! If you liked it tell me the reason, because I really can't understand why anybody would.

Bonus movie: Kids (1995) - Actually, I really liked this film. It is really depressing and awful but still very interesting and memorable. What I hated about it was that I happened to see it at the Capitol Theater in Olympia at a sold out screening with about 300 kids who didn't get the point of the movie. I think most of them thought it was a really funny biography made about their lives. I lost a lot of hope for my generation that night and Kids was to blame.

Just a quick post to remind you of DWP!'s suggestion box week. I still need a reader suggestion for this evening's topic. The first person to give me a subject, anything you want me to write about, anything at all, and I'll write about it for you tonight. Plus I still need suggestions for Thursday and Friday too. Just drop me a comment or an email. Thanks!

Thank you to Narnarnarnar for suggesting this subject. I still need some good ideas for tomorrow and for the rest of the week. Please leave me a comment on what you want me to write about.

I'm expecting two celebrities to have major public breakdowns sooner or later. Both are very famous actresses who have recently been in the tabloids for their romantic endeavors. One has been a constant source of fodder for the paparazzi while the other does a great job of staying out of the limelight. One is constantly pushing the envelope and the other just does good movies.

The first is Angelina Jolie. She has been through the wringer many, many times in her career and survived and even become stronger. But sooner or later her near consant presence in the tabloids is going to catch up with her. Something is going to happen concerning her adopted Cambodian children and all hell will break loose in her life. The paparazzi will tear her to shreds over some simple misunderstanding or out of context comment and she will go crazy defending herself. There will probably be an immediate media firestorm that will quickly calm down and she will dissappear for a few years until the time is right to make a major comeback.

The second is Renee Zellweger. What i remember the most about Renee Zellweger isn't her great performances or all the awards that she has won over the last ten years. No, what I remember is the drunken or stoned Renee from early in her career that always managed to make a complete jackass of herself at public appearances. Usually it was minor award shows where she was presenting something in between filming movies like Empire Records or Me, Myself and Irene. She rarely was coherent, she rarely looked better than most crack whores and she rarely made good films. Now she makes only award worthy films, always looks her best and at least attempts to sound smart.

But she recently married a musician, has been throwing herself into a lot of voice work and lets be honest, there are only so many good years in that sucking on a lemon face of hers before she will need extensive plastic surgery to keep it looking good. Something has got to give. The tabloids will eat her up when it all falls down and poor Renee will revert back to her early days of mumblemouthing crack whore-dom or, as I like to call her, my favorite Renee.

Thank you to Rob for suggesting this subject. I need subjects for Day 2 and the rest of the week so please, I beg of you, leave me a comment with what you want me to write about...

I have to say, Dwarves (or little people if we are acting PC) creep me the fuck out. I have never personally met even one midget so the majority of my experiences have been from television. Thus, for the most part, I have only ever seen them acting crazy. I will always have the image of Bushwick Bill jumping on that guy and beating the shit out of the pavement in the Ghetto Boy's "My Mind is Playing Tricks On Me" video. Or Verne Troyer drunk and naked on the Surreal Life. Or Tom Cruise jumping around on a couch during Oprah. Midgets acting crazy, that is what I know.

In fact, on Sunday I was in Hollywood and we were roaming around outside of the Hollywood and Highland Center where all the freaks dress up in costume and we came across Chucky slashing children's throats. Seriously, there was a midget dressed up in a Chucky costume walking around and approaching children from behind and putting the knife right up to their necks and laughing his ass off. If I was a child I would have nightmares for the rest of my life of this lunatic. But since he was a cute little Dwarf dressed up in costume, nobody seemed to mind.

I guess, the point of this post is to urge everybody to treat Dwarves or Little People or Midgets or whatever just like everybody else. If a Dwarf sneaks up on your child and puts a knife to his throat, don't laugh, punch the dude right in the mouth. If Verne Troyer starts peeing all over the place, lock that little shit in a bathroom. If Tom Cruise starts mouthing off to you about Scientology, kick him in his wee itty bitty groin.

Midgets are people just like you and me, and just like a lot of normal sized people, some of them deserve a good ass kicking. But before you do pick on a midget remember Bushwick Bill beating up the pavement because some of those little fuckers can probably fight better than you. Except for that pussy Tom Cruise, you don't have to worry about him.

So Down With Pants! seems to be in a little bit of a rut. I, for whatever reason, made three posts this week between my two blogs. That is probably a new low for me since I started my second blog and I need to remedy that. I guess part of the problem is that I am a little spent for good ideas. Sure I could tell you about the Dukes of Hazzard but I would just be rehashing what other critics have said (I kind of liked it) and I would be boring even myself (and I think I am hilarious!).

So instead I'd like to just open the floor for suggestions. I will give you three solid paragraphs (if not more) on any subject. Anything that comes across your mind you want to hear about, whether it be something about me, nuclear physics, advice, dog grooming tips, whatever, I will answer. I will take the first five comments and write a post for each this week. I really hope this works because I think it could be a lot of fun.

Thank you in advance.

I'm super tired and I need to go to bed but I just saw this article on the Ventura County Star website and I had to bring it to you...

A car alarm that wouldn't stop ringing has reportedly landed a Simi Valley man in jail.

At about 10 p.m. Tuesday, Simi Valley Police responded to a call of a man firing a handgun from the balcony of an apartment building on Yosemite Avenue in Simi Valley. An officer who was on foot in the area also reported hearing shots fired.

Police found bullet holes in a car owned by 25-year-old Nicholas Moreno of Simi Valley.

Additional officers and a Los Angeles Police Department helicopter were dispatched to the scene and David Owen Rye, 48, was arrested and booked into the Ventura County Main Jail.

He could face charges of discharging a handgun in a grossly negligent manner and vandalism.

Free David Owen Rye! He is not a vandal, he is a hero in my book. A real American hero. God bless you Mr. Rye.

A picture of the greatest cereal ever, stolen from the Impulsive Buy

I was planning on writing a glowing review of the greatest cereal ever created, Chocolate Lucky Charms, but the Impulsive Buy beat me to it (by about five months) and sums up exactly how I feel even better than I could. Oh Chocolate Lucky Charms, where were you when I was a kid? Oh well, better late than never.

Instead I'll share with you a revelation I had the other day. I have decided that I want to name my first child Dorito. We'll call him Chip for short! (Ha Ha Ha...uhhh...Hello...hello...Is this thing on? Attention K-Mart shoppers...)

Seriously though, I think with all of these terrible celebrity kid names these days (Pilot Inspektor? What were you thinking Jason Lee?), the world's biggest whore could stand to make some pretty serious cash by striking a deal with the Frito Lay company. Dorito Spears would make an excellent celebrity baby name and would be a very delicious snack. You know she's going to name it something crazy, they might as well make some cash (or skrilla as my homeboy K-Diddy Federline still likes to call it) in the process.

This weekend will live forever in my mind as my great Ikea and Thai food adventure. On Saturday Death? and I went to Ikea in Burbank to purchase four dining room chairs to replace the folding chair and Archie McPhee footstool we have been using. We had a nice time doing some shopping and ate some really damn good Thai food, including the best drunken noodles (my new favorite Thai dish) at Chadaka Thai in downtown Burbank. Unfortunately we accidentally got one chair in the wrong color so today I had to drive the sixty miles to Burbank again to make the exchange.

Driving sixty miles to Ikea and coming straight home didn't sound like my idea of a great Sunday so despite having ate Thai for dinner last night I decided to try this incredible sounding place I read about in LA Weekly's 99 Essential Restaurants list. So I drove into the vast wasteland that is the upper reaches of North Hollywood and found a shimmering beacon of Buddhism in an otherwise dismal setting. Wat Thai is gorgeous, the only Thai Buddhist temple in the United States built according to Thai architecture.

Every Saturday and Sunday the courtyard beside the temple is transformed into an amazing food court serving up homemade authentic Thai dishes that you can't even get at most top notch Thai places (even Chadaka Thai) let alone the cookie cutter ones sprouting up like weeds in every strip mall in America.

You purchase tokens from a central booth and then browse your way through looking at all of the incredible options (it's hard to get very far because at each booth you want to stop and buy something). If you can finally decide on what to have you pay with the tokens and find yourself a seat in the courtyard at one of the many communal picnic tables. I sat with a really nice Thai family who kept urging me to move over into the shade despite the fact that I would be crowding them. They were so worried about me and that sun.

After walking around for a while I decided on one booth mainly because of their fish cake dish (above on the top). It was delicious even though it sounds kind of gross. The fish cake is more of a pureed fish pudding like substance with spices and mint leaves served in a banana leaf bowl. I also got mint leaf chicken served over rice with a fried egg, which was the greatest fried egg I have ever eaten. I don't know what they did, but it was awesome.

After that I was almost totally full, but I kept seeing people with these great looking skewers so I had to hunt them down and I am glad I did. Barbecued pork on the left, Thai sausage in the middle and Thai meatballs on the right served with some kind delicious sauce. They were incredible and worth the harsh rumbling that my stomach was doing by the end.

Of course you can't forget about the Thai deserts. I had to go get some fried bananas which, like just about everything else I ate today, were the best I have ever had. Fried to a golden brown and topped with sesame seeds these huge chunks of banana were to die for. Then I grabbed some coconut, rice milk, and sugar thingies (I can't properly describe them, kind of a pudding candy maybe) that were strangely tasty.

If you happen to be in LA on a Saturday or Sunday you should not miss going to Wat Thai. Not only do you get to see an amazingly beautiful temple but you are treated to one of the greatest feasts in their courtyard. And it is really cheap, I bought two entrees, three appetizers and two huge desserts (ten huge banana chunks for two dollars!) and a drink for $15.50 (I ate way too much). The temple is really easy to find located at 8225 Coldwater Canyon Ave in North Hollywood just a couple of blocks from the 170 Freeway's Roscoe exit.

This isn't an issue that I have ever felt strongly about one way or the other but one little condition has opened my eyes and now I am convinced, being circumcised is the way to go. The reason...

Paraphimosis!

OH MY GOD! Men, you may want to stop reading now, because paraphimosis is awful. Death? had to treat a patient with it the other day, and it made my groin hurt just hearing about it.

Paraphimosis is something that can happen when an uncircumcised male doesn't pull his foreskin back over the head of his penis and for whatever reason there is swelling. The foreskin gets trapped and swells up and becomes like a tight rubber band from where it is rolled down to where it attaches causing it to swell up even more and become a huge ring around the penis cutting off circulation to the head possibly making it swell up as well.

Obviously this becomes very painful and embarrassing for the patient. And getting rid of it doesn't really sound much better. The way to treat this is by squeezing all of the fluid back out of the swollen area and back into the body and then more or less forcing the foreskin back over the head. There are also other ways including placing the penis in granulated sugar and letting osmosis reduce the swelling and surgicial options. But if left untreated the swollen area and the head could become gangrenous or even self-amputate.

I just want to take a minute to say one thing (I'm sorry if you feel that this is way more than you ever needed to know about me)...THANK YOU MOM AND DAD! I have never been more happy to have been clipped so many years ago.

I am so glad to never have to worry about paraphimosis, because any swelling of the penis (other than normal natural swelling, if you know what I mean) is something I never, ever need to experience. But I still feel for you uncircumcised guys out there that this is a possibility for when your health goes sour. It is pretty rare, but If I were you I would run down and have them take a little bit off the top. It would be worth it just to be safe.

Over in the links I have added a list of my favorite online radio stations. All of them except for WOXY are public/collegiate station so the programming and production values can be quite hit or miss but that's what makes them charming, I guess...

WOXY - WOXY was once on 97.7 FM from Oxford, Ohio but was bought out and is now an automated crap hits station. The cool WOXY people moved to Cincy and now are an online only radio station playing tons of great music.

KEXP - One of the best, and worst radio stations in Seattle. I love listening to it sometimes depending on the DJ, but when they play music for 30 year-olds who think they are hip but can't take the heavy stuff anymore, which is quite often, it ends up being relentlessly boring.

KCRW - My favorite radio station in the Ventura market, it might be the only combination NPR and indie rock station in the country. Most NPR stations play jazz when not doing shows but KCRW plays an eclectic mix of music for most of the day.

KGRG - I was a DJ here when I first started college nearly 10 years ago. It is kind of a shell of itself but I think it is really unique on the college music scene because it plays much harder music that 18 year-old punk rock kids are listening to rather than the Yindie music that KEXP or KCRW usually plays.

WICB - Ithaca College's radio station is great when you can actually connect to it. Unfortunately it is hit or miss to get a connection and their programming times never really makes much sense.

WBGU - Bowling Green State's station is on computer playlist for the summer due to renovations on their studios, but when school starts again they play a great mix of music. And since hardly anybody listens to it in Bowling Green you can get a request played almost immediately unlike KEXP where I have rarely had my request played.

This is a really short list, I know. If you have any favorite stations please fill me in because I am always on the lookout for fresh sounds on the radio especially since there is only one station that I can get in Ventura that I like listening to and I love listening to the radio.

From the stunning beauty of Mt. Rainier...

To the cursive pretension of California.

Today was one of the saddest days of my entire life. I called off of work this morning complaining of car trouble, which was entirely true, except that I wasn't broken down like I made it sound. Actually, my tabs expired so it was unfortunately time to break down and go register the bad ass family wagon as a California vehicle and get my drivers license.

Why is this sad you say? Well, it means that I am now officially a California resident. I have all my life, no matter where I lived, maintained my Washington residency since I am very, very proud of my home state. I totally and completely identify with Washington State and have never been able to assimilate myself into or accept the cultures of Ohio, New York, Texas and now California.

So when they confiscated my beautiful Washington State plates featuring the stunning Mt. Rainier and voided my Washington license, it was like they were confiscating and voiding a piece of me. They tried to replace that big empty spot in my heart where my identity once was by issuing me a plate featuring, well, nothing but some cursive writing and a license that will be mailed to me in 30-60 days. We'll see if I can even remember who I am when it finally arrives.