Take My Kids, Please

Posted by Brandon |

Dude, If there is one thing that I know about parenting, it's this...


Isn't that common sense? Why does anyone have to say this? People won't let their kids go to the playground unaccompanied in the middle of suburbia because they fear someone will snatch them up, but they advertise their names to anybody and everybody.

"Avoid clothing and toys with your child's name on it," says a list of child safety tips. "A child may not fear someone who knows his/her name."

Duh! And the same goes for your stinking SUV.

Sometimes I feel like I know more about half of the families in Ventura just from sitting behind them in traffic than I do my own family. I learn so much about them just from their family stick figures, and I am of no harm. Imagine all the information that Chester the Molesting BLT is able to gather for future use.

Take my future family for example, it isn't too hard for some creep to figure out that Mad Dog loves to play guitar in his Christian nu-metal band (oh, the shame) or that Midori loves fastpitch chants (oh, the shame) or that Malibu can easily be carried off by a kitty cat.

I don't need people to know this. They should know three things about my family when they look at my car. I love The Big Lebowski, The Washington Huskies are my favorite team(s) and that I am a big ass dude that will kick some serious ass if anybody were to lay even one malicious finger on my kids.

That's all the information they need, and that's all the information they should get.

Also, since when did a car become a gravestone? Please. Shitty driving in a shitty car is no way to honor a dead best friend.


Dave2 said...

Forget about the children, will somebody please think of the dogs and cats who can become easily confused when a stranger calls their name? Lose a kid, and you can just go make another one. But lose a dog... man's best friend... and THEN what are you going to do?

Frances said...

I've never seen kids name on a car, but then again I live in the city.
Amazing that people would do something like that.
Thanks for sharing.

Whit said...

Yeah, I've always thought putting a kid's name on a car was a bad idea. Yet, drive to any park in L.A., and there you go, a who's who of the playground.

Everytime I see the tribute to a dead person on a car I make sure that my wife knows that I want mine to cover the whole window, with a picture.

Hilly said...

I hate those stickers anyway....especially the flip flop ones. Really? Your kids Madison, Blane, Roland and Mercedes all look like cheap shoes you can get at Wal Mart and you proudly display that on your car?


Joshua Xalpharis said...

I intend to number my children, not name them.

Strangers will think that I am being prudent and metaphorical, when I am merely exercising the organizational skills that will be employed.

Brandon said...

Dave - Yeah, I thought of that too, but that opens a whole new can of worms I was unwilling to go into

Frances - Come to Southern California, you can't get away from them.

Whit - I'll do you one better. I want to be stuffed and used as a carpool dummy.

Hilly - Yeah, now those are really strange. Your kids are turtles? Cool!

Joshua - You should spell all of their names weird though, like 1 should be Won, 2 should be To'o, 3 should be Thri and so on.

August said...

Oooh, I haven't seen those. I agree. Definitely not a smart idea.