Place Your Bets On My Demise

Posted by Brandon |

Last week I made a purchase that I’ve wanted to make for quite a few years. Trying to recapture my youth, I am now the proud owner of a pair of Heelys roller-skate shoes, size 12...

What can I say? I love kid's stuff like Heelys. Now if only I can find adult sized light-up shoes, Underoos and Big Wheels.

Although I have tried them on and petered around the house and office in them, I have yet to take them out for a spin on solid ground. Since I was never a skater and they sure as hell didn’t have these when I was a kid, I’m a little bit frightened. They were a much better idea in my mind than they are in real life.

In anticipation of me stepping out onto the concrete, Vegas has set the odds and bookies around the country are starting to take bets on what will become of me. Remember, if you are going to gamble, know when to stop before you start.

Even: Neighborhood kids point and laugh at Brandon
This is a sure thing. Little kids make Heelys look easy and I make them look very difficult. When I went roller-skating a couple years ago I had a handful of little kids doing circles around me while I struggled to stay upright. They were seriously making fun of me and my little baby steps around the rink. My neighbors won’t be any different.

2-1: Neighborhood adults point and laugh at Brandon
While you would expect the grownups to be more mature than the kids, that isn't the case in my neighborhood, so this is probably a pretty good bet as well.

3-1: Pulled groin lands Brandon in hospital
While I’d be willing to bet that I do pull my groin sooner or later, I doubt that I’ll have to go to the hospital. I can get treatment from my doctor wife at home, so this might not be a very wise bet. Maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad thing to pull my groin.

5-1: Brandon breaks a bone
There are two ways to look at this bet. I’m sure I’ll fall down a couple times risking bone breakage along the way. However, I’m pretty bad about giving up when I’m not good at something right away limiting the chances of me breaking something.

5-1: Brandon gives up before he ever gets a chance to break a bone
See, told you so. The odds makers know me well.

10-1: Brandon learns how to use them but only at the supermarket while holding onto a shopping cart
First of all, supermarkets seem to be the best place to skate. Typically the floors are nice and smooth and without cracks. Secondly, I'm already getting decent at holding onto our cart at work and pushing myself along, so this is definitely a good bet. I'm not that far away right now.

25-1: Brandon learns to skate without holding on to anything
The way it's going so far, I don't know. I'd put the odds of this happening at around 100-1 especially given the high odds of me getting hurt or me quitting before I learn because the neighbors made me cry.

100-1: Heelys weight limited exceeded and wheel breaks
There isn't anything mentioned anywhere about a weight limit, but I might be the largest man to ever try Heelys, they probably never expected a big man like myself attempting to use them.

1000-1: Brandon goes to skate park and tears it up
There's a skate bowl just down the road, perhaps I'll give it a try when I get really good. Yeah, right.

10,000-1: Brandon gets laid while wearing Heelys
Death? called the odds makers herself and had them add this one.


Avitable said...

As I started to read this post, my first thought was whether the wheel would actually roll with your weight in it. If it works, though, I'm buying a pair too.

August said...

This is so funny. Just yesterday, my three year old was looking under my husbands new running shoes for wheels. I was like "No honey, they don't make those in a mens size 12" and well looky here, I stand corrected. I'm gonna have to get a pair for the whole family!

Dave2 said...

10-1: Brandon loves the freedom of his new roller-skate shoes and is arrested for Heely-skating nude.

Brandon said...

Avi - I'm glad that I could be of some help. I'm not 100% sure that they will roll very well under my full weight, I have yet to skate without holding onto something taking some of the weight off of the wheels.

August - See, kids are raised on these things and could easily skate circles around me.

Dave - I've alerted Vegas and they have posted this but it has already dropped to 7-1 odds.

Motor City Monk said...

My ten year old is a veteran Heeley dude. He gets all bent out of shape if we take him to a mall or ballpark and he's forgotten to wear his Heeley's.

Good luck - they seem pretty dangerous to me, for non-skating type adults especially.

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