The Easter Ham Story

Posted by Brandon |

Ever wonder why everybody always eat ham on Easter? Well, I'm no biblical scholar, but here's how I understand the story goes...

When Jesus was resurrected he rose up from the tomb and found a big bunch of Jews hanging out, kicking it, having a picnic of bagels and lox and pastrami sandwiches and talking shit and high fiving about the crucifixtion a few days earlier.

Jesus, as you can imagine, was not pleased. In his deepest, darkest, foulest voice, he bellowed, "silly Jews, I am back. And guess what? We're eating pork, bitches!" And Jesus started flying through the air shooting whole hams from his hands like lightning bolts at all of the Jews.

Seeing this, the depressed and downtrodden Christians joined in and picked up all of the hams that Jesus shot and started chasing the Jews around and throwing the hams at them.

When the very last Jew was either chased off or knocked out by Jesus and his Christian ham throwing posse, Jesus took all of the hams and prepared a gigantic feast and proclaimed, "from this day forward, Christians shall eat the meat of the dirty swine just to piss off the Jews" and in honor of Jesus, his resurrection, and his freeing of the Christian world from Kosher dietary laws, Christians celebrate each Easter by eating ham just to rub it in the faces of the Jewish people.

And that, kids, is why everybody eats ham on Easter. It's also where the game of dodgeball was invented - Christian kids have been using that game to bully little Jewish kids for years - and it's also where the saying "when pigs fly" comes from, although the meaning of that saying got a little mixed up over the years.

But that's a whole nother biblical story that I'd love to share with you sometime very soon. Like I said, I'm no biblical scholar, but I'm pretty sure I know how that story goes too.


kapgar said...

Dude, this is a friggin' South Park episode waiting to happen! You need to sell this idea to Trey Stone and Matt Parker before someone else does!

Rattling The Kettle said...

I'm just thankful they don't throw hot bacon at us.

Craig said...

At least someone out there is telling the truth. Dropping the truth bombs.

Silly Jews.

Brandon said...

Kapgar - That's definitely an idea. If you see it on South Park, you'll know where it came from.

RTK - I wish someone would throw hot bacon at me.

Craig - I'm not telling the truth, I'm telling the TRUTH.

webloafer said...

Ahhh, excuse me, the original statement was "When figs ply" and some near sighted half blind truck driver got it wrong.

Only a truck driver knows when figs ply.

Just dropped by again.

We have to laugh like reality isn't.

Tomorrow ate up history, common sense and fairness.

Enjoy the mess we've made, before God throws a little heavenly clorox on the mess, and tosses us into the eternal washing machine.