DOWN WITH PANTS!

I live in constant fear. Everyday I come home and have to do a double check to make sure that the dream isn't over. Occasionally a van rolls by my apartment ominously or sits empty in our driveway, the driver gone, out somewhere doing the devil's work and my stomach starts to ache, my brow starts to sweat and my heart starts to race.

Today was one of those days. I arrived home at 5:30 only to find not one, but two vans sitting outside. One driver was missing while the other talked on a cell phone, which he quickly hung up upon seeing me step out of the car. I hustled ass upstairs, fumbled with my keys for what seemed like ages, scampered in the door and went into stealth mode crouching down below my window to get a glimpse of what these guys were up to.

The missing driver finally appeared in the doorway to the apartment complex across the driveway, jumped in his van and flew down the street with the second van close on his tail. Relieved to see them go, I sprinted over to the remote control and turned on the TV to confirm that no damage had been done. Thankfully, college basketball in all of it's play-in-game glory appeared on the screen.

I haven't paid for cable even once since moving in. It was just on when I curiously hooked it up one day nine months ago. Adelphia keeps sending out their goons to hook up other people's cable, but so far, they have let me be. But I get really nervous every time I see their van, especially today, what with March Madness only two days away. This is my Christmas people, how would you feel if you thought someone was going to steal your tree and all the presents underneath.