DOWN WITH PANTS!

I'm not usually one to post pictures of semi-nude women on Down With Pants! As Death? described it to some people at the LA Blogger Party, my blog is not porn. However, I have lived in Southern California for almost two years now and I am still amazed at the sheer amount of nearly naked women on the Spanish language stations. If you think American TV is getting skanky, you obviously don't have fifteen of these stations to watch.

The craziest of all of the Spanish language programming (maybe even crazier than Machete) might be the half hour infomercial that airs every weekend for Downey Buick/Pontiac/GMC. At least I think that's what it's for. All that's really being sold here is titties titties titties, ass ass ass, titties titties titties, ass ass ass - to steal a Lewis Black line.

I don't want to watch it, I feel like a pervert every time I do, but between the language that I barely speak and the sheer amount of gyrating silicone, it becomes dangerously hypnotic. I try to change the channel quickly, try to forget what station it's on and hope that there is a Best Week Ever repeat on VH1 to take my mind off of this g-string filled madness.

But my fascination with it isn't because it turns me on. In fact, it doesn't, it's just too ridiculous and too skanky to do anything for me. No, to me it's more comedic than anything. I always get the feeling that somewhere there is somebody laughing their asses off because in reality it's a spoof in the same way as my theory that Maxim Magazine was conceived and is written by gay guys to secretly make fun of and capitalize on the idiocy of hetero males.

Even if it isn't a spoof, the absurdity still draws me to it. I grew up in the Seattle area where our foreign station was the Canadian Broadcast Corporation. Kenny vs. Spenny was about as risque as it got, so it still kills me that girls in string bikinis soaping themselves up is a perfectly OK thing to show during the cartoon hours. Sure we have infomercials like Girls Gone Wild that are equally as naked, but those are only shown late at night, not at the same time as Kim Possible.

What I love - and to illustrate just how much I end up hypnotized by this ad - is that until recently, the host was a short, squat, greasy sales guy who did turns and spins, felt up the models and yelled "llame ya" over and over again. But they must have felt that the T&A ratio was too low - six boobs is better than five - so they replaced him with the woman in the white top who does turns and spins, lets the models feel her up and yells "llame ya" over and over again. Their research must have shown that prospective SUV purchasers prefer fake lipstick lesbians.

What I've been wondering about is what the scene is like at the dealership when they film it. I envision that there are ton of gross guys hanging out pretending to be interested in cars and others showing up at all hours all week long hoping that the chicas will be there to sell them a car. And I'd be willing to bet that it's a somewhat uncomfortable place for their female employees to work. That 1-800 number must get a lot of prank calls.

So the next time you start to complain about Charm School or the Search for the Next Pussycat Slut on American TV, either flip over to your Spanish language channels or, if you don't get them, remember this post and remind yourself that it could be a lot worse.

By the way, if you think these two models look familiar it's because they have been on quite a few national shows. A quick Google search revealed them to be Tabitha Taylor (somewhat NSFW), a veteran of Dude, Where's My Car? and Beauty and the Geek as well as the Lingerie Bowl and Stripper Academy, and Mary Castro (also kinda NSFW) of Reno 911: Miami and a ton of TV shows as either stripper, hottie or model, sometimes even busty model.
Wow, Hollywood really is the place where dreams come true. Isn't it?