DOWN WITH PANTS!

I just overheard my downstairs neighbor scream at someone on the telephone, "SEE YA! WOULDN'T WANT TO BE YA!" That's right, she is 12 (not really, she is, like, 35-40. But she smokes so she might be 25).

This event reminded me of the letter that I wrote to her one night last year after a particularly awful display. I've written quite a few more letters since then (click here, here, here) and I feel that I am starting to hone this craft (albeit with a ton grammatical errors, I hate reading old posts sometimes).

I have decided to offer my services in letter writing to you, my loyal Down With Pants! revolutionaries. If you have someone that is really ticking you off or you just need to say something offensive to them but want to do it discreetly and anonymously, please leave me a comment or email me at downwithpants@gmail.com with who you would like me to write to and a little bit of the story.

Next week I will post one letter each day and also, if you would like, send you a copy on official Down With Pants! letterhead to be distributed to this offender. I'll take the first five suggestions and guarantee you a letter next week. If more people are interested, I will take a look at those on a case-by-case basis.


Keep your head up and your pants down!

Last week, Death? said that we should name our first child Optimus Prime. How cool is that? What a wife! I bet you guys are jealous now.

There is this great video that they have been playing on MTV Espanol lately by the reggaeton artist Calle 13. Every time I see it while flipping through the channels I have to stop because the song is great and the video is interesting.

The video for Atrevetete features Calle 13 (pictured above) delivering papers on his bike in a suburb of identical houses with identical blondes dancing around. It's a great video that defies description so you have to see it to get the idea...

If you have plans this weekend to go see The Da Vinci Code or the newly opened X-Men 3, just remember the massive amount of hype surrounding these movies and your unreachable expectations.

Instead, you should go see Over The Hedge and be pleasantly surprised. It is truly one of the best animated features in the past five years ranking right up there with your Nemos and Shreks and Gromits. I highly recommend it. A lengthier review will be coming soon.

Now onto a totally different topic. Star Jones is disgusting. I think we all know that. But I received this email from her today that made me feel more physically ill than the other times that I have thought about Star Jones...

Subject: Happy Spring From Star!

Happy Spring!

We sure welcome this time of year, dont we? The temperature changes, we enjoy more time outside and longer days, and nature comes alive again.

So no excuses for leaving your love life in hibernation! Its time to reflect on and freshen up the ole love life.

As the (deleted) Love & Sex Coach I am happy to share what I have learned through the years via interactive workshops, tips, and quizzes. Trust me its informative and fun!

This Saturday night (starting at 8pm EST) be sure to visit www.(deleted).com for more information on the (deleted) Coaches program and a link to Love & Sex pages.

Not an (deleted) member? Thats okay. You can still peruse the websites. And be sure to check out the Coaches page (www.(deleted).com/coaches) its free!

Spring is in the air I love it!

Star

First, go visit my new renter, The Plumbutt Chronicles. Good stuff. I promise more of a plug than this later. But now, onto the "content"...

While rummaging through my picture files I came across yet another picture that I took with the intention of writing a post about it. The above picture comes to us from a Sunday morning farmer's market in Ojai - otherwise known as rich hippyville U.S.A - in February. What you are looking at is the quintessential California girl in winter.

It starts with a general look that I like to call "Undercover Celebrity". You've all seen the pictures of the big Hollywood starlets dressed in their track suits, looking like they came from the gym or went on a quick run to the Coffee Bean and are surprised to see the paparazzi on their tail. Yet they still have their Gucci handbag and are rolling in their brand new Range Rover. It's a cultivated and calculated look with a purpose.

Cali Girl here has embraced "Undercover Celebrity". She understands that purpose. While she probably doesn't necessarily want to be a celebrity (it is a quite a bit of work after all), she is more than happy to think of herself as one. And what would a celebrity wear to a farmer's market? Well, she dressed herself down opting for a simple black hoodie, jeans and twin braids. A simple, common, everyday look that would have been reasonable for a Sunday morning in Ojai.

But to make it celebtastic she has thrown in a cocky little designer hat, a humongous Gucci bag (hard to see, but it definitely is Gucci), a dog to fit in said Gucci handbag, and with a nod to her royal Cali girl (via Louisianna) highness, Britney, Ugg boots, purple Ugg boots. She is laying it on pretty thick, isn't she? Add to the equation the blonder than blonde hair and the bored "I'm better than this" expression and you have a pretty solid characterization of a California girl in winter.

I guess it begs the question. Which came first? The "Undercover Celebrity" or the Califronia girl in winter? Who is copying whom? Either way, it has spiraled into a vortex of snooty that we may never see the end of. God save us all.

I saw this meme a long time ago and then Kevin brought it back to may attention the other day. You put your name followed by the word "needs" (Brandon needs, Apple needs, Pilot Inspektor needs) into a Google search and then list the top ten results. I think mine are particularly funny and some are exceedingly true...

1. Brandon needs a nurturing, attentive, and patient family.
2. Brandon needs day treatment.
3. Brandon needs to suffer severe bodily harm.
4. Brandon needs its own government.
5. Brandon needs a home where his abilities and interests can be nurtured and supported.
6. Brandon needs to find way to score goals in series.
7. BRANDON NEEDS A NEW FONE
8. Brandon needs something to attract people as a destination centre.
9. Brandon needs to punk Ashton for being Ashton.
10. Brandon needs and deserves its own radio station.

WARNING: SPOILERS!!! I may have spoiled the movie for some of you. I forgot to warn you of this so I apologize to anybody who wanted to see it and then was put off by my review. So if you want to see it, please don't read this review...

As a big fan of Dan Brown's flawed, but still riveting book The Da Vinci Code, I have been anxiously awaiting the movie version for a couple of years. Naturally, Death? and I faithfully had to go see the movie on opening night despite our reservations about the adaptation and all of the poor reviews that the film has received from critics.

Maybe we should have trusted our gut and stayed away. Of course, a film is rarely as good as it's book, especially when the book is as detailed and just plain long as this one. I was willing to give the movie a break because of the challenges of adapting it, but even then, The Da Vinci Code is a massive disappointment on so many levels that it boggles the mind. Rather than dwell on all of it's problems, including the added "that's just a theory" dialogue and Langdon's testimony at the end that are obviously aimed at diffusing criticism, I have one major beef that I have yet to see anyone address.

In the book, Sophie Neveu is, more or less, the protagonist. She is smart, sassy, sexy and she is the equal of, if not smarter than, Robert Langdon. Langdon is the one that gets swept up by Sophie and is caught in the action. Sure he is smart and helps solve many of the puzzles, but he is the one that looks on in wide eyed amazement as the clues and puzzles unfold in front of them. For those of you who are Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy fans, Sophie Neveu is to Robert Langdon as Ford Prefect is to Arthur Dent.

In the movie, Sophie (Audrey Tautou) is completely stripped of the intelligence, moxy and strength that she possesses in the book. Langdon (Tom Hanks) solves all of the puzzles on his own and practically drags Sophie behind him on his quest for the grail. In fact, at one point in the movie you see them cross the street. Langdon has a hold of the back of Sophie's arm, right above the elbow. If you have ever had this done to you, you know that means you are being controlled 100% by the person holding you. Sophie exists merely because of how the film ends but needs protection and looks like a deer caught in the headlights throughout the rest of the movie.

Why Ron Howard and Akiva Goldsman chose to go this route with Sophie's character is beyond me other than the fact that this is what America expects out of female characters in big summer blockbusters. They are weak and helpless and need saving. Apparently, this is what Hollywood thinks we want out of our women. If I were a woman, I would be extremely offended and tremendously disappointed. Here there was an opportunity for a blockbuster film to have a very strong female lead and the men running the show decided to marginalize her and make the film male dominated drivel.

And the movie suffers for it. The book is great partially because of the interplay between Langdon and Sophie and how the process of being pushed by Sophie inspires Langdon to continue and change and eventually leads to a romance. Instead they opted to portray Langdon as a protector and a father figure to Sophie, or one of the Knights of the Templar. He is the hero and she is his damsel in distress making the relationship one big, long cliche' that ultimately falls flat and goes nowhere, just like the rest of the ridiculously frustrating Da Vinci Code.

I did have high hopes for tonight, but computer problems have forced me to abandon my original post for the time being and instead bring you a picture of pygmy marmosets getting it on as seen at the San Diego Zoo two weeks ago...

"Awww, they're playing," said one seven year old girl who walked by with her family. "That one keeps jumping on the other ones back!"

Yes, they are playing. Awwwwwwww. How cute!

First of all, let me say that not wearing an undershirt worked out great today. Very comfortable. Also, Dodgeball is fun. Wicked fun. I thought it was a bit overhyped, but now I know, Dodgeball kicks ass!

Now onto the linking that will stand in for a real post...

Please go visit my new renter, Stupid People Shouldn't Breed. It is both a very good read and a true statement all wrapped up into one. I'm hoping she will give me a coveted "rarely stupid" badge at some point, no pressure.

By the way, I now rent out my blog for the very low price of 10 credits, because Blog Explosion no longer works as a means of gaining readership. People just surf on by too fast, so what is the point of gaining credits? I now do it just to find great blogs and to have great blogs find me, so anyone you see renting my blog from now on has been hand picked out of 20-30 bids and gets my heartfelt approval.

Moving on, Dawn from Tiny Voices In My Head placed a bid to rent my blog. She already appears on my blogroll so I didn't pick her as a tenant. Just go visit her if you don't already. I love her blog but rarely comment, which I feel bad about because it is always darn good stuff.

Karl over at Secondhand Tryptophan has a great interview with a pissed off pachyderm. I think he has a future on 20/20 giving interviews like this.

Also, if you haven't seen the video of former Cubs pitcher and ESPN personality Rick Sutcliffe rip roaring drunk on the San Diego Padres broadcast the other day, you have to check it out. Hilarious!

Finally, don't forget to add me as a friend on MySpace, and if you do add me and you aren't one of my regular commenters, please leave me a message and let me know who you are. I don't want to deny you, but I have already found out that you get a lot of requests from random teenagers, which is so extremely weird.

I think that tomorrow I will make a big time change in my wardrobe and my appearance. I'll give it a go for a little while and see how it works out. It's going to be a big change, but it's getting hot down here and the time just seems right.

Nearly everyday for the past 15 years (maybe even more) I have worn an undershirt. Typically a plain white t-shirt under just about anything. Even when I would go to the gym or play basketball or softball I would wear an undershirt under my t-shirt (I've already stopped that). It became a habit, a security blanket.

But I have been growing more and more uncomfortable with these undershirts especially when I am wearing a t-shirt on top. I think it might be time for a change. So let's take a look at the pros and the cons of going without an undershirt...

Blowing your nose kicks ass! I have myself a nice litte cold right now and I have spent a good amount of my day blowing my nose, and it feels so good.

This is relatively new for me. I somehow went most of my life having never blown my nose once. Maybe my mom forced me to do it once in a while, but I never learned how to do it on my own. I was much more for wiping, picking and sniffling. In fact, I have a crease on my nose that came from wiping my nose vertically during my formative years.

I know it sounds gross, but I think almost all kids did this. How many of you really blew their nose as a child? I doubt many. But most of you probably learned how to do it early in your adolescence. I went until I was in college before I learned how to do it.

I had the nastiest cold one time and I was walking to class in one of those zero degree, Bowling Green, Ohio winter days and the snot in my nose literally froze. I could feel it hardening as I walked to class. I got to the building and went to the bathroom and started blowing, and it was one of the most liberating feelings. It was as if a whole new world had opened up for me. Never again would I go through life with a nose full of snot.

I'm still not a pro at it. I have to go to the bathroom every time and look in the mirror while doing it to make sure that I'm not getting snot everywhere, and since I have grown a mustache, it makes it 100 times more difficult. I still don't understand all of the nuances involved in getting a solid blow that will completely clean me out. And I have no idea how people make so much noise doing it.

But at least I'm doing it. Nothing is sadder than an adult wiping his nose on his shirt sleeve. Nothing is more annoying than a sniffler at work. Nothing is worse than feeling like your face is bulging from the pressure. And nothing is worse than a blog post about snot. Sorry!

I'm sick and tired of all of these cool online t-shirt companies and blogs printing their merchandise on American Apparel shirts. I'm a big dude, I am 6-4, 290 pounds of nerdy man meat, baby, and I don't fit into the faux 2XL's that American Apparel produces for the hipster set. I would love my Big Lebowski Kauro Betto shirt to fit more than once and I would love a First Mate t-shirt from Summer School, but I would prefer that it be a little bit thicker than wax paper and not nearly as clingy as saran wrap.

I know wafer thin is in, even for guys, but come on already. I'm not planning on doing any soft-core porn advertising campaigns, I don't have a shag haircut, I don't wear my collars up on my polos, and I am not in The Strokes. All I want is a solid t-shirt. So drop the American Apparel and give me a Beefy-T. And please, I am begging all of you fine folks who are still printing on nice thick t-shirts, keep up the good work. Us big guys really appreciate it.

Speaking of ill fitting clothing and other bullshit: Old Navy can go fuck themselves. I've always had a love/hate relationship with Old Navy. Some of my favorite clothing items have come from there, but more often than not I am completely frustrated by their lack of consistent sizing on 2XL clothes and the fact that their men's clothes keep getting uglier and uglier by the day.

Right now, there isn't a single item in Old Navy that I would even consider wearing. Why do we need thirty different styles of dirty ass pants? I do my best to keep from falling down in the dirt every day, so why would I purchase a pair of jeans that looks like I rolled around in the mud that morning? And I truly don't want a "broken in" baseball shirt, I usually throw my shirts out when the ringer starts to shred. What's next? Mustard and ketchup stained crewnecks? Yellow underarm t-shirts? Bloody nipple running shirts? Poopy pant cargos?

P.S...Please go visit my new renter, Emails from Jesus. Our Lord and Savior has been kind enough to shed his light on the filth that is Down With Pants! and I would really appreciate it if you went over there and read the good word. Go ahead and ask him a question, I'm sure that he will enlighten and inspire you to do great things.

I have family in town and they sleep in my computer room. Thus, my computer time has been drastically cut. So Down With Pants! is on a short hiatus. We've been to Disneyland, Disneyland's California Adventure and Universal Studios in the past three days. They leave Thursday morning, then me and Death? leave for San Diego for a romantic weekend to celebrate our first anniversary. Basically, DWP! won't be back in earnest until Monday.

Speaking of San Diego, I know I have some readers who either live there or have lived there. I would love to hear some good restaurant suggestions. We are looking for a romantic spot for dinner on Saturday that doesn't break the bank ($100 total or so), or any good seafood spots. Death? went to a crab shack in San Diego when she was really young that dumped the crab right onto the table but we can't figure out what restaurant it is or if it even still exists.

Please, if you have any suggestions, either email me at downwithpants@gmail.com or leave them in the comments. Thanks!