5/25/2006

Over The Hedge = Good: Star Jones = Bad

Posted by Brandon |

If you have plans this weekend to go see The Da Vinci Code or the newly opened X-Men 3, just remember the massive amount of hype surrounding these movies and your unreachable expectations.

Instead, you should go see Over The Hedge and be pleasantly surprised. It is truly one of the best animated features in the past five years ranking right up there with your Nemos and Shreks and Gromits. I highly recommend it. A lengthier review will be coming soon.

Now onto a totally different topic. Star Jones is disgusting. I think we all know that. But I received this email from her today that made me feel more physically ill than the other times that I have thought about Star Jones...


Subject: Happy Spring From Star!

Happy Spring!

We sure welcome this time of year, dont we? The temperature changes, we enjoy more time outside and longer days, and nature comes alive again.

So no excuses for leaving your love life in hibernation! Its time to reflect on and freshen up the ole love life.

As the (deleted) Love & Sex Coach I am happy to share what I have learned through the years via interactive workshops, tips, and quizzes. Trust me its informative and fun!

This Saturday night (starting at 8pm EST) be sure to visit www.(deleted).com for more information on the (deleted) Coaches program and a link to Love & Sex pages.

Not an (deleted) member? Thats okay. You can still peruse the websites. And be sure to check out the Coaches page (www.(deleted).com/coaches) its free!

Spring is in the air I love it!

Star


I guess the question to answer is "why are you on a Star Jones mailing list?" I was looking for info on her corporate sponsored sham wedding for a post quite some time ago and found that to access her websites, you first have to enter your email address. What a bitch move that is. Very exploitive. So very Star Jones. But I needed to steal a picture from her so I played along.

And boy did it ever pay off. If I wouldn't have given her my address, I never would have received this wonderfully personal email, which was so masterfully written by this lawyer and former prosecutor who has won "critical acclaim as a news and legal correspondent", not some low-level intern at a PR firm thousands of miles away.

And I would have never had the opportunity to puke up my heart and my testicles at the thought of getting advice on love and sex from Star Jones. I thank her for that because I no longer needed them anyway. Obviously love is dead and sex is something that I don't need if Star is doing the coaching.

Luckily, following the puking, I saw Over The Hedge and the wonderful short that preceded it, "First Flight", and all was right again with the world. My heart returned and my testicles grew back and now I want to have me some kids just so I can watch the movie with them.

Fuck Star Jones for nearly derailing that dream.

6 comments:

JAX said...

So I read one review on OVER the HEDGE that said it was so so and now I read yours which makes me want to run out and see it.

And how do you know it is really Star sending that message??? Maybe it is someone pretending to be Star to get business, although, as you so delicately detailed, that would be a very unwise Star to name drop.

kapgar said...

I coulda told you Star Jones = BAD (Bitch Ass Diva), but I guess it's best you find out on your own. The hard way. Now, maybe you'll just autodelete the e-mails from her.

Crunchy BC said...

Thanks for the review. Always looking for good animation.

Speaking of which, I thought for sure that Starr Jones was computer-generated. Kind of like Max Headroom, only fatter and less interesting.

tablefor4 said...

Eeeeewwww. Star sex. That mess just don't go together. Oh great. That's ALL I need is a visual of that for the rest of the day.

jackt said...

We gotta stop talking about that Star Jones woman. The only suitable punishment for her antics is for her to lose all notoriety.

Rabbit said...

The boyfriend took me to see The Da Vinci Code. I SO should have argued in favor of Over the Hedge. Dammit for not keeping up with what movies are playing.

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