DOWN WITH PANTS!

Is anybody watching this season of Project Runway? I haven't read a whole lot about it yet around the blogsphere and was wondering if anybody even really cares.

I think it's been pretty good through the first three weeks and most everybody is interesting. I have a couple questions though...

1. Can this season be any gayer?
2. Can the contestants wear any more hats?
3. Can Jack, the HIV positive, bodybuilding, gay, model, look any more roided out?
4. Can someone please kick Christian in the ass?

One quick tip to make it even more fun to watch: Whenever Ricky - the multi-hatted wonder - does anything good or starts crying, let out a big "Choo-Choo" and make the train whistle motion in honor of the conductors hat he wears. It sounds weird, but it works.

What a wild week at the top of the Down With Pants! Fantasy Football League leader board. Is any team going to step up and take control of this thing?

We had perhaps the upset of the year with last place Turbo Chic taking down the league's #1 team, Snackiesonics, 97-96. The #2 team last week, DutchBitch Drama started bragging about her and Hilly leading the league last week and then promptly dropped a decision to the red hot but eliminated CineRobots 67-79. Can you say jinx?

And while the ladies were struggling to stay on top, johnnyhongkong and CK Lions took care of business and now find themselves in a three way tie with Snackiesonics. CK Lions easily dispatched my crummy DWP! team, 105-87 behind 27 Carson Palmer points while johnnyhongkong came up huge against fellow playoff contender Warped, 124-108. Frank Gore finally came alive for Warped with 32 points but it wasn't quite enough to hold off Larry Fitzgerald (27 points), Ryan Grant (19 points) and the rest of johnnyhongkong's team.

Here's the whole slate of scores complete with leading scorers...

Here are the matchups for week thirteen. League rank in parentheses...

Snackiesonics (1) vs. Warped (4)
johnnyhongkong (2) vs. CineRobots (6)
CK Lions (3) vs. DutchBitch Drama (5)
Kapgar's Kapitans (7) vs. Honea Express (11)
DOWN WITH PANTS! (8) vs. sinkintothepacific (10)
Roast Ducks (9) vs. Turbo Chic (12)

Tonight was the much anticipated playoffs for our soccer team, Scrubs United - named because almost everybody is either a doctor or a nurse or a spouse of doctor or nurse and we all are a bunch of scrubs. We won our first game 4-2 over the second ranked team in the league (we were third) and then tied 1-1 through regulation in the championship game and lost in penalty kicks 3-1. We ended up taking second place.

That's OK, the previous three seasons were terrible as you can see in this post, and to even get to the championship game was an accomplishment for us, and me in particular since I played goalie for basically the first time ever. I had never been in a penalty kick situation so for me to even stop two of their kickers was decent.

Anyway, that's me with my second place medal at the after-party tonight. We didn't know we would be receiving medals and when they brought them out for us, everybody immediately perked up. It kind of felt like we won the game people were so happy. And someone mentioned that they were the exact same medals as the champions got, so there you go.

I swear to you that I will be back next week with a full week of posts. But in the meantime, here's a meme that I just filled out over on the Yelp Seattle message boards....

1) Who's your favorite Seattle character, living or dead, real or fictional?
John Curley. Have you ever seen him running in Fremont in his little short shorts?

2) What's the best meal you've eaten in the Seattle Area?
Well, maybe not the best, but my favorite is either a Gorditos Wet Burrito or a Ragin Cajun from Other Coast

3) In one sentence, what do you actually do all day in your job?
Sit on my ass, Yelp and occasionally delegate responsibility.

4) Where do you get your coffee?
I work for a coffee company so that's where I get my coffee. I don't put the name of the company anywhere to protect both me and the company.

5) What's the last thing you saw live in a theater?
Music: They Might Be Giants at Ventura Theater. Theatre: Avenue Q in New York.

6) Do you give money to panhandlers?
No.

7) What's your drink?
The Flaming Pantywaist - Bonny Doon Framboise with Sprite Zero. It's awesome, I shit you not.

8) How often do you prepare your own meals?
Five days out of the week, or so.

9) What's your favorite medication?
I don't take any medications

10) What's hanging above your sofa?
In The Well of the Great Wave Kanagawa by Hokusai

11) How much is too much to spend on a haircut?
$20

12) When's bedtime?
1:00 AM to 1:30 AM

13) Brunch: pro or con?
Pro, but I rarely go.

14) What's your thread count?
Couldn't say.

15) What do you hate most about living in the Seattle Area?
Now that I've lived in California, it's the slow driving.

16) What's your brand of jeans?
Levi's. Always has been. I've never owned a pair of jeans that weren't Levi's.

17) When's the last time you drove a car?
This morning.

18) Who should be the next president?
Stephen Colbert

19) PI, Times, Stranger or Weekly?
The Stranger

20) Sonics: stay or go?
As long as Clay Bennett is the owner, they should go. If they stay, I'd prefer them to find local ownership and stay in the Key Arena.

21) What makes someone a Seattle person?
Modesty and being humble. That's what the rain does to a person, especially if you grew up here.

Bonus Question - What do you Love about living in Seattle?
I love those days when it's rained for weeks on end and suddenly it's absolutely beautiful out and despite the fact that it might only be 40 degrees out, people spend the whole day outside enjoying their one glimpse of sun for what could be another few weeks.

We are getting down to the end of the regular season and the cream has risen to the top. Five of the six top teams notched victories this weekend distancing themselves from the bottom half of the league.

The biggest statement came from Snackiesonics who continued to score at an unbelievable clip with a 150-77 victory over Kapgar's Kapitans. Tom Brady and Terrell Owens led the way with 44 and 41 points adding their names to the record breaking and ever growing list of 40 point performers this season. The victory vaulted her into first place and leaves Kapgar alive for the championship round of the playoffs, but it would be a miracle for the ages for him to make it.

DutchBitch Drama is now in a tie for second place after beating up on my Down With Pants! squad. My sorry group of suckers couldn't beat a team that featured a running back that is out for the season with a blown up knee (Ronnie Brown). No, instead Randy Moss goes off for four touchdowns for 36 points and five other of her players scored in double digits en route to a 103-78 whooping. I hate Randy Moss and I hate my team.

Tied with Dutchy is Warped, who struggled to only his second loss of the season. Donovan McNabb was injured early and ended up with -1 points on the day. I know how a McNabb injury can ruin an otherwise good season, so I wish Warped luck in getting him back quickly. Knocking off Warped, 96-69, was the red hot CineRobots. Their third straight win has kept them in the playoff race.

But the more likely race for the playoffs is between CK Lions and johnnyhongkong, who both picked up victories in week 11 and are tied for the fourth and final playoff spot at 7-3-1 with only three games remaining. Both teams could easily end up out of the playoffs or could end up in first place by the end. The first five teams are so close, anything could happen.

Here's the whole slate of scores complete with leading scorers...

With Turbo Chic, Honea Express, Roast Ducks and sinkintothepacific definitely eliminated from the championship playoff bracket and Down With Pants! and Kapgar's Kapitan's on life support, there are a lot of teams that could play spoiler for the six teams currently battling for four playoff spots. In week 12, cellar dwelling Turbo Chic could hurt Snackiesonics and DWP! could cripple CK Lions.

But the games to watch this week are between the contenders. CineRobots tries to keep hope alive against DutchBitch Drama while johnnyhongkong goes for his fourth straight win and improve his playoff position against Warped.

Here are the matchups in week twelve. League rank in parentheses...

Snackiesonics (1) vs. Turbo Chic (12)
DutchBitch Drama (2) vs. CineRobots (6)
Warped (3) vs. johnnyhongkong (4)
CK Lions (5) vs. DOWN WITH PANTS! (8)
Kapgar's Kapitans (7) vs. Roast Ducks (10)
sinkintothepacific (9) vs. Honea Express (11)

Somehow or another I ended up on Warner Pacific College's website and found this Abercrombie & Fitch-like picture. Am I the only one who thinks that these guys don't really scream hardcore Christian college? Continue to wonder? I don't think there's any need to wonder. Ohhhh...that's why their sports teams are called the Fightin' Closeteers.

Combine being out of town and in the dial-up wasteland that is my parent's house and the fact that I just don't have anything to say right now, can you understand why I haven't posted jack squat in, basically, the last week? Well, that probably won't change for a little bit, at least until next week. I'll get back on the horse soon, I hope.

My neighbors, Trixie and Billy, had a very bi-polar kind of day. Join with me in their adventure, won't you?

7:30 AM - Fuck. Fuck loudly. Fuck so loudly that you wake up your upstairs neighbor prompting him to wrap his head in a pillow and turn on his clock radio.

8:00 AM - Disappear. Church?

10:00 AM - This is totally a guess, but after fucking and church, it's time for drinking beer and watching football.

6:00 PM - Come home and make dinner. Listen to Matchbox 20 unbelievably loud while cooking. Drink wine, drunkenly dance around and sing at the top of lungs to "Real World" and "Push" (a kind of ironic choice given what happens later).

7:00 PM - Eat dinner, drink wine, watch a weird movie.

9:00 PM - Jekyll and Hyde emerge. Fight! Fight! Complete with "You don't love me, no I love you" psychobabble. Guy yells, bitch growls, doors slam, moody smoking ensues outside. Rinse and repeat four or five times over the next hour.

10:00 PM - Time for bed to get ready for a another day filled with fucking, fighting, smoking, singing, dancing and generally being pure, white trash.

P.S...Some of you have asked, "why don't we move?" It's a fair question, for sure. But our apartment is nice, it's cheap and it's entertaining. Plus, and this is why I'm counting down the days until we leave Ventura, wherever we move, there is a very good chance that we will have neighbors that do the exact same thing, maybe even worse. Sometimes I think we actually have it good.

We had a party today for Death?'s work. Somehow we managed to squeeze 35 people into our little apartment. Having to push past people, it felt like an old fashioned college party for a little while there.

Anyway, after cleaning up and whatnot, I don't have much energy to write a whole new post. So instead I bring you my two latest Yelp reviews, two that I'm pretty fond of. Check out all of my Yelping here.


California Pizza Kitchen - Ventura, CA

I've had hit or miss experiences with California Pizza Kitchen since I've been occasionally eating there for the last couple years. The first time I went, I loved it. The next time I went, it was bad. Then the next time was good, then not so good, and that pattern kept going until it finally leveled off at an average three stars. Here's a handy-dandy visual aid to illustrate this phenomena....


So what are the reasons for this strange looking diagram? Here's what I think is the deal:

The first time I ever ate at CPK I had very low expectations. It's a pizza place in a mall, how good could it be? So I ordered the California Club pizza and it hit me, something that I had never experienced in all of my wide and varied pizza eating days....Frigging mayonnaise tossed lettuce! Holy crap. Where have you been all my life? If I ever open my own pizza place, that's immediately going on the menu as an option.

On my next visit, riding the high of the first time, I branched out and tried some different things including their overpriced and rather small appetizers. Unfortunately, I was thoroughly disappointed. It was also then that I realized that they charge you $3 for soda that typically only gets refilled once. Soda cheapo restaurants bother me to no end.

But I gave it another chance and stuck with the Club pizza and again enjoyed it. My only variation was trying their soup. Both the tortilla soup and the corn chowder are very good and despite being unnecessarily expensive, I usually get a cup of one or the other every time I go.

But I've repeated this pattern of satisfaction and disappointment over and over again until now the highs aren't as high and the lows aren't as low. You would think that I would've learned my lesson by now, but I still go in and see something new that catches my attention that I just have to try. Our last visit it was Mango Tandoori pizza, and while it was decent, it just can't compare to either their Club or BLT pizzas with mayonnaise tossed lettuce.

Mmmm....Mayonnaise tossed lettuce.


Vons - Camarillo, CA

There should be a sign near this Vons somewhere warning you of the danger that you put yourself in when entering what I like to call The Leisure Zone.

For this is the closest supermarket to the retirement community Leisure Village and during the lunch hour, when I run there to pick up either a soup for lunch or some general groceries, it is usually overrun with retirees driving their land yachts in defiance of God taking away their eyesight, slowly limping through the crosswalk, using every coupon imaginable, struggling with the concept of the club card, writing checks, berating whippersnappers and generally making life rough for anybody under 75.

Seriously, I hate to stereotype anybody, even old people, but all of the old people stereotypes are on display here on any given day. I have seen some absolutely crazy stuff happen at this Vons at the hands of Leisure Villagers that I have never seen anywhere else. There are times when I think it would be safer to sit in the middle of La Colonia with a big "Chiques Suck" sign (or the equivalent in Spanish) than risk grabbing some jo-jos for lunch.

Let this serve as your only warning...Enter at your own risk.

(Other than that, it's a pretty average Vons, hence the three stars)

Wow, another high scoring week, a week in which the top half of the standings took care of business and most of us bottom feeders struggled.

The big news is that there is still one of the weirdest looking ties for first place that I can ever remember. DutchBitch Drama won her fourth straight game with a 120-70 mashing of Honea Express to run her record to 7-2 while Warped eeked out a 76-67 win over Turbo Chic and now sits at 6-1-2. Both teams have a .778 winning percentage but Dutchy has the edge on total points, so technically she's currently in first place.

Snackiesonics was right there with DutchBitch Drama and Warped, but couldn't coax even one point out of Demetrius Williams on Monday night and ended up in a 93 point tie with CK Lions. She drops into third place all by her lonesome.

The high scorer of the week was johnnyhongkong with 123 points behind amazing play from Tony Romo and his receivers Santonio Holmes and Greg Jennings. It's not often that you see a high scorer get only nine points from his running backs though. And poor sinkintothepacific, he scores 108 points but still loses by 15 to johnnyhongkong. It's been a tough season.

And I'd be remiss if I didn't mention that CineRobots at one point had 66 points with 46 of those coming from Adrian Peterson. Your homer scouts definitely did their homework.

Here's the whole slate of scores complete with leading scorers...

CineRobots (3-6) - 83 - Adrian Petterson - 40 points
Kapgar's Kapitans (4-4-1) - 60 - Brett Favre - 22 points

Warped (6-1-2) - 76 - Ron Dayne - 18 points
Turbo Chic - (2-6-1) - 67 - Clinton Portis - 25 points


Oh boy, do we have a doozie lined up for this weekend as DutchBitch Drama and Warped will duke it out for first place. Sadly, both teams will be without major cogs in the offense, none bigger than DutchBitch's loss of Randy Moss to the bye week.

Here's the rest of the matchups in week ten. League rank in parentheses...

DutchBitch Drama (1) vs. Warped (2)
Snackiesonics (3) vs. sinkintothepacific (10)
johnnyhongkong (4) vs. Kapgar's Kapitans (6)
CK Lions (5) vs. Roast Ducks (8)
DOWN WITH PANTS! (7) vs. Honea Express (12)
CineRobots (9) vs. Turbo Chic (11)

This is the last of the bye weeks and there are four teams not playing. New England, New York Jets, Houston and Tampa Bay. All of those Patriots players out of the mix should make for some interesting lineups.

My biological clock is certainly ticking.

If you haven't heard yet, we are almost 90% sure that we are having a girl. I was so proud of my little girl, she was very modest and ladylike during the ultrasound and kept her legs crossed making it hard to 100% be certain, but everybody pretty much agreed that she's a she.

Anyway, tonight at soccer one of my teammates brought her kids. An almost five year old daughter and a eight or nine year old son. Well, I wore my Blogography Bad Monkey t-shirt to the game - it's turned out to be my soccer uniform - and the boy noticed it right away and started calling me Bad Monkey. Soon, the little girl picked it up from her brother and started calling me Bad Monkey too.

Just before halftime the other team scored a goal on me that I probably should've stopped. I was pissed at myself something fierce and when the half ended I came to the sideline steaming, I seriously wanted to punch something. But as soon as I got to the sideline, the little girl started talking to me and calling me Bad Monkey again. It was so cute that my hard heart melted and I was immediately put into a good, upbeat mood and was once again ready to play some soccer.

Now, I know that not everyday with kids is going to be cute and cuddly, but it's moments like being uplifted by a cute little kid voice calling you a Bad Monkey that I'm sure will make the annoying times totally melt away.

It reminded me of something that our host up in Edmonds said to me last week. We were talking about Death? being pregnant and how excited I was to be a dad and he said to me that "you think you know what you are getting into and what to expect before you have your first child, but then you have it..." and I expected him to say something funny or cynical or sarcastic. Instead he said "but then you have her and it's even better than you ever expected. You sit there at work sometimes and all you can think about is how much you can't wait to get home." At this statement, I had to fight back tearing up, I think I was successful, but it was tough. I couldn't believe it.

Needless to say, I'm really excited. We only have 3 1/2 months left and since there are so many holidays in between, it's really only going to feel like a couple weeks. I'm trying to keep on an even keel and maybe Death? would say I'm doing too good of a job doing so, but in actuality, I can't wait and I can barely contain it.

What does a big manly man like your boy Brandon do after playing goalie in a hard fought 5-5 soccer game in which we were playing one player down? If you said join my teammates at a sleazy sports bar called Rookees to watch Monday Night Football and oogle at waitresses, you'd be very much wrong.

No, instead I came home with my wife, iced my throbbing right arm (I think I threw it out), took four ibuprofen, ate a steak wrapped around spinach, red peppers and cheese from Trader Joe's for dinner and invented a new girlie drink...


I call it the Flaming Pantywaist. It's 1/4 Bonny Doon Framboise and 3/4 Sprite Zero in a flame cup and it is damn good and damn pussy. Make fun all you want...but I'll suck down a Flaming Pantywaist after dinner and I'll like it. And after I swallow, I might even lick it clean.

Flaming Pantywaists for everybody!

down with pants! by knobbyknees, the first in DWP!'s global search for pantsless pictures in our brand spanking new DOWN WITH PANTS! Flickr pool. Don't be shy now, add your own pics. But let's try to keep it clean, Kevin.