Dear Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, DFA

Posted by Brandon |

I just wanted to quickly write and thank you for your role in the birth of our first child, a little girl named Adelaide, three months ago. We couldn't have done it without you.

My wife went through virtually everything possible when delivering a baby. She had to be induced, she had high blood pressure, she got an epidural, she had to have antibiotics...you name it, she had it. Unfortunately for her, there were no Prescott Pharmaceuticals in the entire hospital. All of this could've been avoided with just a little bit of Vaxiwomb.

As a result of being in labor so long and because of all of the drugs that my wife had to have in her system, our little girl had a flat heart rate. As you know as a doctor yourself, her heart rate should change whenever mom has a contraction. Unfortunately, whenever mom had a contraction, Addie's heart rate stayed constant. She was asleep, knocked out by the drugs, and that's a sign of a baby that has been very stressed by the labor.

Various methods of stimulation were used to try to wake her up but nothing worked until I remembered just how much she reacted and kicked when I read her stories or when we watched The Colbert Report during the pregnancy. So I grabbed my bag and pulled out the only book that I brought to the hospital - I Am America, (And So Can You!).

Between contractions, we covered such important topics as sports, sex and dating, and homosexuals. And I'm happy to report that not only did her heart rate improve and she was born completely healthy, but she also already knows that sports isn't her thing, we've already had "the talk" and she knows all about the vast gay conspiracy - although she still insists on breast feeding, maybe I need to read that chapter to her again.

And yesterday I swear that in the middle of her incoherent baby babbling, she called Barack Obama a secret Muslim. I am so proud.

So thanks again, Dr. Colbert, for your inspirational and baby saving book. When we got home, we cleared all of her other books off of her book shelf because we know that your's is the only one that she'll ever need.

Truthinessly yours,

P.S...I tried to convince the wife to drop the Australian name, Adelaide, in favor of Liberty Colbert, but she's obviously not as patriotic as you or I.


MC said...

But did you warn her about bears? They are the real enemy.

DutchBitch said...


Note to self: smash book out of hands of any potential man you will ever have babies with in future (if so)

Karl said...

Can't think of a better book to read to your baby. Classic.

Greg said...

Nicely done.

Ginormous Boobs said...

All hail Colbert!

stephen colbert said...

What an honor!

Congratulations to you...three.

Stephen Colbert