DOWN WITH PANTS!

Today I went to Pep Boys to buy $3.00 worth of fuses for my messed up car - I have a gremlin in the electrical system and it's starting to seriously piss me off. One item, $3, and here is the receipt that Pep Boys issued to me...


The above picture doesn't even do the receipt justice. It's a full 20 inches long. Uhhh, thanks Pep Boys. I always appreciate a free tree with any purchase.

In the immortal words of Mitch Hedberg - "We do not need to bring ink and paper into this."

I just wanted to quickly write and thank you for your role in the birth of our first child, a little girl named Adelaide, three months ago. We couldn't have done it without you.

My wife went through virtually everything possible when delivering a baby. She had to be induced, she had high blood pressure, she got an epidural, she had to have antibiotics...you name it, she had it. Unfortunately for her, there were no Prescott Pharmaceuticals in the entire hospital. All of this could've been avoided with just a little bit of Vaxiwomb.

As a result of being in labor so long and because of all of the drugs that my wife had to have in her system, our little girl had a flat heart rate. As you know as a doctor yourself, her heart rate should change whenever mom has a contraction. Unfortunately, whenever mom had a contraction, Addie's heart rate stayed constant. She was asleep, knocked out by the drugs, and that's a sign of a baby that has been very stressed by the labor.

Various methods of stimulation were used to try to wake her up but nothing worked until I remembered just how much she reacted and kicked when I read her stories or when we watched The Colbert Report during the pregnancy. So I grabbed my bag and pulled out the only book that I brought to the hospital - I Am America, (And So Can You!).

Between contractions, we covered such important topics as sports, sex and dating, and homosexuals. And I'm happy to report that not only did her heart rate improve and she was born completely healthy, but she also already knows that sports isn't her thing, we've already had "the talk" and she knows all about the vast gay conspiracy - although she still insists on breast feeding, maybe I need to read that chapter to her again.

And yesterday I swear that in the middle of her incoherent baby babbling, she called Barack Obama a secret Muslim. I am so proud.

So thanks again, Dr. Colbert, for your inspirational and baby saving book. When we got home, we cleared all of her other books off of her book shelf because we know that your's is the only one that she'll ever need.


Truthinessly yours,



P.S...I tried to convince the wife to drop the Australian name, Adelaide, in favor of Liberty Colbert, but she's obviously not as patriotic as you or I.

Because it was so hot here yesterday, we decided to cool off at the beach. Taking Addie to the beach means bringing a ton of stuff. Chairs, towels, body board, picnic bag, diaper bag and of course, her in her car seat. Death? tried to grab what she could, but I still ended up with the chairs, the diaper bag and Addie.

Both of my arms were full and weighted down so I couldn't kick off my flip-flops once we hit the thick sand. It didn't occur to me that flip-flops are like little springy scoop shovels from hell. So when I got down to where Death? was setting up shop and I finally got to drop the chairs and put Addie down, I was shocked and totally dismayed to find her covered in a layer of sand. It was everywhere. It was in her hair, her mouth, her eyes, her nose, her clothes, her diapers, her little fat rolls, her car seat. Everywhere.

I felt so horrible. It was the first time I've made a mistake like that so far. Bad daddy! Baaaaad daddy!

Thankfully, all was okay. She didn't even cry, not at all. In fact, I think she kind of liked it. A quick wash up with a towel at the beach and later a shower with mommy and despite still finding sand hidden in various places, all was forgotten...for her. I'll never forget the day that I gave her her first sand bath and how bad and how stupid it made me feel. I'm sure it won't be the last time.

Related bad daddy stuff - She went to her first movie on Friday, Forgetting Sarah Marshall. She was awake for the whole movie and may have accidentally seen her first naked man. Whoops!

Then today, we took her to a matinée of Harold and Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay. Thankfully for her future vocab, she slept through the whole thing.

Death? just randomly flipped open her Family Medicine Board Review book and landed on this little gem...

"369. A 38-year-old describes severe rectal pain associated with pallor, diaphoresis, and tachycardia that lasts for only a few minutes. The pains occur mostly at night and are described as spasms. The most likely diagnosis is...

A) thromobosed hemorrohoids
B) irritable bowel syndrome
C) ulcerative colitis
D) gay bowel syndrome
E) proctalgia fugax"

So, show of hands. How many of you are going with "gay bowel syndrome" just out of the sheer want to answer a question with "gay bowel syndrome"?

"Answer and Discussion
The answer is E. Proctalgia Fugax is a unique anal pain. Patients...experience severe episodes of spasm-like pain that often occur at night. Proctaglia fugax may only occur once a year, or may be sporadic in waves of three or four times per week. Each episode lasts only minutes, but the pain is severe...Patients experience urgency to defecate, yet pass no stool...little can be done to treat proctalgia fugax."

In so many words, proctalgia fugax is simply a fucking awful random ass spasm that has virtually no rhyme or reason or has any treatment. What a pain in the butt that must be!

And gay bowel syndrome is so out of favor in the medical community that Death? assumed it was a fake answer option. Turns out, it's not. It was a term coined in the 1970's to describe a bunch of anal disorders found in gay males. It fell out of favor in the 80's because it is was so inherently wrong and is only used today by anti-homosexual groups.

Death? says it's inclusion as an answer on the test is probably to throw off old-timers that still think it's an accepted term. It helps root out the old troll doctors that haven't kept up with the times.

Oh the things you learn and the fun you can have when you just randomly open up a medicine board review book.

***************************************************************

Yesterday and today in Down With Pants! history...

2007 - Polenta = Masa = Ewww = Sleeping on the Couch and Happy Feet is Propaganda
2006 - 2006 Sitcom Tournament - Sweet Sixteen
2005 - Weezer!!!

Being a stay at home daddy may be difficult, probably harder than any job that I've ever had - my client is very demanding - but it has allowed me to finally practice what I preach.

Tomorrow, I will be pants free for three weeks. Yes, I haven't worn long pants since April 5th and I can't really see a situation between now and, well, winter that I will need to wear them. Down With Pants! indeed.

To add to my very mature shorts only wardrobe, I am now also rocking the very adult camouflage Converse...


Last year I wrote about a letter to the editor that appeared in our local weekly that complained about how all the camouflage clothing in stores promotes and glamorizes war. To her I just have one thing to say today....How you like me now, you stupid, over PC bitch!?

In case you are wondering, I just turned 31. Go me!

***********************************************************

Today in Down With Pants! history...

2006 - This Gas Issue Is Bullshit
2005 - Spam Keeps Getting Weirder
2004 - Ex-NFL Player Pat Tillman Killed In Action In Afghanistan

So you know that part in Juno where Pauly Bleeker is getting ready to go running and he takes his deodorant and applies it to his inner thighs...


Not only did this scene catch my attention because Michael Cera's short shorts and pasty white legs really do it for me - I'm not surprised Juno wanted a piece of that, but also because I suffer from an affliction known as thightinimus fattidius, or fat thigh disease. I have fat thighs. I have fat thighs that like to rub together and it bothers the shit out of me. I need a solution and Juno gave me an idea.

So tonight before softball, because I need to make sure I'm geared up for maximum performance for beer league softball, I went ahead and rolled it on. And guess what? It actually works! Thigh friction be gone!

Seriously, if you're like me and you have thigh friction issues, and I think a lot of people do, fat or not, I highly recommend this little runners trick. Throw some deodorant up on those thighs and not only will your crotch smell like Old Spice (in my case) but your inner thighs will be nice and lubricated. You too will be ready to suck at softball.

So thanks Juno! Not only have you made me cry (yes, I cried, I still kick ass!), but you've also made me think...about my inner thighs. My friction-free inner thighs.

UPDATE: Thanks to Peeved Michelle for so snarkily alerting me to a few of the different friction creams available...


Greyhound Juice Anti-Friction Cream and Brave Soldier Friction Zone look like great little products. I had no idea that this was even an option. But why would I search out and spend money on these items when I can just spread some Old Spice on down there? Hmmm...perhaps I'll have to compare and contrast all of these items very soon.

***********************************************************

Today in Down With Pants! History...

2007 - Telecommuting
2006 - Shameless Cross Promotion - Central Valley Coyotes

30 seconds of cuteness specifically engineered for Grandmas and Great Grandmas. Get ready for a little surprise at the end!


Sometimes I do love California. Where else would you see a surfer swim by with his dog on the front of the board?


Welcome to the Topper Motel! Ventura's finest halfway house.


Little monster window art at Archie McPhee in Seattle.


My hometown of Olympia, Washington from the Capital Campus. Yes, California has surfers with dogs, but I need trees.

Ugh, so lazy tonight. Here I have a small window of opportunity to do some writing (Death? and Addie are both out of the house) and yet all I want to do is post my favorite clip from Yo Gabba Gabba...


There's some tacos in my tummy! So yummy, so yummy!

******************************************************

Today in Down With Pants! History...

2007 - Rise and Shine...It's Earth Day!
2004 - Howard Bulson Returns!

I don't know if too many people know this or not, but many minor league baseball teams ask local area families to host their players for the season. The family takes the player in, let's them stay at their house and makes them feel at home all in exchange for season tickets, typically. Usually it's a great situation. The families love it, the players like the home cooking and cheap or free rent and people generally get along.

Not always though. When I worked for the Elmira Pioneers in 2000, we had one problem player - Reymundo D. The first time I met Rey, I picked him up from the Greyhound station - interesting way to get to Elmira from Puerto Rico, don't you think? I asked him what position he played and he responded "lefthand peetcher" and made the throwing motion with his right arm. I don't know why, but that kind of tipped me off to him being a little unstable.

Later in the season, when his host family came to complain that he was taking their teenage son's clothing and wearing it like it was his own, they also informed us of his daily routine...

Get up, smoke a bowl, eat a bowl of cereal, take a shower, go back to sleep.
An hour later: Get up, smoke a bowl, eat a bowl of cereal, take a shower, go back to sleep.
An hour later: Get up, smoke a bowl, eat a bowl of cereal, take a shower, go back to sleep.
An hour later: Get up, smoke a bowl, eat a bowl of cereal, take a shower, go back to sleep.
An hour....you get the idea. It usually continued like that until he had to get ready to report to the ballpark.

The life of a ballplayer, huh?

Yeah, he didn't last too much longer with us after that. In fact, and I'm still not totally sure why, he ended up cleaning the ballpark with the cleaning crew in the mornings after a game day. I think he was broke and couldn't get a Greyhound ticket back to Puerto Rico. Weed, your own clothes and your own cereal can really put a strain on the old pocketbook.

God I miss working in baseball.

***************************************************************

Today in Down With Pants! history...

Apparently, April 21st is a DWP! day of rest. No history to speak of.

"HOW WE LIVIN' VATICAN CITY! HABEMUS PAPAM BITCHES!!! C-LAW...LET'S KICK IT!

Uh, uh, aaaaaaaahhhh yeah...

Just throw your hands in the A-yer and wave 'em like ya just don't cay-yer and if you like fish and grits and all that pimp shit somebody say oh yay-yer.

The clinic, the clinic, the clinics on fire! The clinic, the clinic, the clinics on fire...
we don't need no water let the muthafucka burn, burn abortion clinic, burn!

Somebody Sing Oh la, oh la ay...Oh la, oh la ay!
Oh la, oh la ay...Oh la, oh la ay!

I wanna hear ya say We don't need no condoms, come on...We don't need no condoms!
I can't hear you! We don't need no condoms...We don't need no condoms!

(Benedict starts doing the Ed Lover dance)
Go Benny! Go Benny! Go, go, go Benny!
Go Benny! Go Benny! Go, go, go Benny!

I wanna hear the ladies say AIDS is for the wicked...AIDS is for the wicked!
Come on ladies, say AIDS is for the wicked...AIDS is for the wicked!

After mass it's the after mass party and, after the party it's St. Peter's lobby and, after the lobby ya gotta freak an alter boy's body and...

Now somebody, anybody, everybody SCREAM!!!....AHHHHHHH!!!

HOLY SEE UP IN THE PLACE TO BE...PEACE BITCHES, I'M OUT!

***********************************************

Today in Down With Pants! history...

2006: Machete! Machete!
2005: See above
2004: Mountain Trip To Japan, 1959