I Get the Worst Fortunes

Posted by Brandon |

Today we had Chinese food for lunch and we received some really scary fortunes in our cookies...

  • Mine: Coming afternoon there will be an important meeting in the south
  • Coworker 1: Today is a disastrous day. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em
  • Coworker 2: Ignorance is not fault
Our theory was that there would be a really bad meeting about our department at our corporate office in Los Angeles (we're in Camarillo, north of LA). Coworker 1 would then turn on me saving her own ass and Coworker 2 wouldn't know what was going on and wouldn't have to take any blame.

I came this close to going home after lunch to curl up in a little ball afraid to answer the phone.

I'm happy to report that everything seems to be OK...for now. I won't be eating at Mandarin House for a while though. It's too creepy.


Click It or Ticket, Bitch

Posted by Brandon |

Dude, I hate to bump Kristen Bell below the fold (huh, huh...that sounds dirty but was totally unintentional) but...

Something came to my attention today that absolutely blew my mind. Did you know that there are still people out there that oppose seat belt laws?

Yeah, some lunatic was ranting and raving about how seat belt laws are just another way that the government is controlling us and I couldn't believe it. So I looked into it, curious how anybody could be against seat belts, and surprisingly there are some good points made. Thankfully, I didn't find any crazy crap about government conspiracies, but instead found some information about how people drive faster and more dangerously when they wear their seat belt than when they drive without them.

But that one argument can't sway me into thinking that there shouldn't be seat belt laws. I wish that we didn't have to have a law mandating common sense, but guess what, we do or else idiots wouldn't buckle themselves up and wouldn't buckle up their kids. I'm not so much worried about the individual as much as I'm worried about their ability to do the right thing for others.

And as common sense quickly goes down the toilet, we will see and will need more and more laws to enforce it. Like talking on your cell phone while driving. I hate to need a law like that, but since I have a near daily near death experience with horrible cell phone talking drivers, I fully support a ban.

So I guess the question is, do you support seat belt laws or do I have to call you crazy? What about the cell phone ban? Are there any other common sense laws that we need?


Non-Fantasy Football Post: Kristen Bell!!!

Posted by Brandon |


2007 DWP! Fantasy Football - Week Three

Posted by Brandon |

Wow, what a week. It was possibly the highest scoring week in fantasy football history with 16 players scoring 20 or more points, seven scoring more than 30, and three guys scoring 40.

Two of those forty point scorers (Kevin Curtis and Brian Westbrook) belonged to the CK Lions who continued to dominate with a 143-57 over the struggling sinkintothepacific.

But not even 80 points from two players could help the Lions take home the coveted BLT High Scorer award, not with Kapgar's Kapitans kicking ass and taking names. 163 points! 40 from Ronnie Brown? 32 from Brett Favre? 26 from Roy Williams? My team never had a chance despite scoring a respectable 89 points. Congratulations Kapgar, don't get used to days like that.

And I'd be remiss if I didn't mention the hard luck CineRobots who posted 116 points...and lost. But it's tough when Snackiesonics has 34 points from Tom Brady and 22 from Marion Barber III. I'm telling you, she has the toughest team and will be a force all season.

Here's the whole slate of scores complete with leading scorers from week three...

Snackiesonics (2-1) - 131 - Tom Brady - 34 points
CineRobots (0-3) - 116 - Adrian Peterson - 18 points

Warped (2-0-1) - 89 - Donovan McNabb - 37 points
Roast Ducks (2-1) - 85 - LaMont Jordan - 21 points

CK Lions (3-0) - 143 - Curtis/Westbrook - 40 points
sinkintothepacific (0-3) - 57 - Cowboys Defense - 21 points

DutchBitch Drama (2-1) - 93 - Kitna/Moss - 23 points
johnnyhongkong (1-1-1) - 84 - Tony Romo - 23 points

Turbo Chic - (1-2) - 66 - Clinton Portis - 15 points
Honea Express (1-2) - 46 - Steelers Defense - 11 points

Kapgar's Kapitans (2-1) - 163 - Ronnie Brown - 40 points
DOWN WITH PANTS! (1-2) - 89 - Anquan Boldin - 30 points

A hefty battle is brewing in week four as the two top scoring teams in the league square off. Luckily, with the first round of bye weeks upon us, neither Kapgar's Kapitans or CK Lions will be missing any key players, only a couple of bench players. But will Kapgar get that much out of Brown and Favre again? Will the Lions get anywhere near the production out of Curtis and Westbrook? Both teams have enough firepower to pick up the slack, so it should be a real, hardcore battle.

Here's the full week four schedule...

vs. Roast Ducks
vs. johnnyhongkong
sinkintothepacific vs. DutchBitch Drama
Warped vs. Honea Express
Turbo Chic vs. DOWN WITH PANTS!
CK Lions vs. Kapgar's Kapitans

Don't forget that there are four teams with byes this week. Tennessee, New Orleans, Washington and Jacksonville. Make sure that players from those teams aren't in your starting lineup.

Dude, it was one busy weekend. My best friend (the one I gave this toast for last year) came down to visit and to catch a football game. The football stunk, so we went to another. That game stunk, so we went to a soccer game the next day. That was pretty good, so I sent him on his way and back home. Enough of his jinxes.

The bad news is we missed Dave LA. Oh well, maybe next time. When you have an opportunity to see your favorite teams lose big time, you can't pass that up. I know I would've dominated the bowling so it's probably good that I didn't go and show everybody up. Nobody would've liked me.

Anyway, here's a little bit more about our big Saturday...

First of all, holy shit! It rained. For the first time since April (no joke) the heavens opened up and fabulous, wonderful, glorious water dropped from the sky and fucked up traffic. Do I care about traffic? No. I hooked my iPod up to my stereo and celebrated wetness. I miss the Northwest.

So like I said, we went to see my friend's Washington State Cougars take on the University of Southern California Trojans. He came down to visit us but chose this weekend so he could see his Cougs. We left at halftime, it was brutal. The highlight of the game was a rainbow. A frigging rainbow!

So we calculated how long it would take us to get to the Rose Bowl from the Coliseum and made the executive decision that we could get there to see most of the game. We did get to the parking area in time, but because the parking at the Rose Bowl is so crazy, we ended up walking for at least a mile, maybe more before we got into the game. Above, you see the game's highlight, the Huskies running onto the field at halftime. It was tied 10-10 then but ended with a 44-31 UCLA victory. Brutal.

By the time we got out of the Rose Bowl it was almost midnight. Luckily we found a Tommy's Hamburgers that was still open and grubbed down on a some chili burgers and some chili fries. Trust me Dave LA'er's, you are lucky that we didn't show up after that meal. By the way, the picture above is of the Tommy's breakfast sandwich. There's chili on it! Yuck! Or yum! I'm not totally sure.

By the time we finally got home, we were beat and it showed. A day of beer, walking, bad football and chili on everything will do that to you.

As a side note...Tonight, I risked my life on the side of the 101 freeway to retrieve a Wazzu Cougars car flag that flew off of our car as we left Ventura. I'm not sure how it ended up on the shoulder because it landed right in the middle of the on-ramp. And I really can't believe that it survived with only minor amounts of damage.


WAKA Kickball - A Critical Assessment - Part One

Posted by Brandon |

Recently I started playing in the World Adult Kickball Association’s Fiesta Division league on Tuesday nights in Santa Barbara. We have played four games and are at our halfway point and, while I’ve had a good time meeting some new people and winning games (we’re 3-1), overall I would say that my kickball experience has been very underwhelming. The game itself is so flawed rules and organization-wise that I have a hard time taking it even remotely serious as a “sport”, even a recreational, just for fun one.

First of all, you should know that kickball is indeed exactly what you remember it to be. Basically, it’s baseball played with a big rubber ball and your feet. Kickball leagues are spreading like wildfire across the country. Over the past few years the sport has gone from something that only elementary kids play to a sport for college intramurals to a social-rec sport for adults. WAKA is the largest kickball organization with leagues in many major cities, a league in Iraq for troops, and a national championship tournament.

There are a few things that I like about WAKA, the first being that they accept individual players. I signed up and didn’t know anybody in the league so I was promptly placed on That’s What She Said, last season’s champions (hence the winning). They also do a nice job keeping people up-to-date on the goings on in the league with their website and newsletters and it’s nice to get free food and drink specials at the after game bar.

However, those things don’t make up for the other problems with the league. The first issue is basic, the field. We play at Santa Barbara Junior High on a big grass field. That’s fine, you don’t need much out of your field to play kickball other than lights. It would be nice to play on softball fields, but finding fields that have lights to rent is a tough task.

But there is no field preparation to speak of for us. The grass has gone uncut and is starting to get dangerously long, there are no base lines painted on the grass and the league only provides cheap, plastic flat bases and orange cones to mark the field. During a game, the cones get kicked or knocked over, the bases easily move when you hit them and are nearly invisible to the umpires, making close plays nearly impossible to get right. At the very least, the league should have those puffy breakaway bases that you stake down.

Speaking of umpires, each team provides two players to umpire other games. I’ll get to my problem with the rules in a second, but you should know that basically nobody knows the rules including the people who volunteer to ump. Combine not knowing the rules with poor visibility, booze (this is a social league after all) and no oversight and nobody to supervise and you can understand why there are problems. Even though this is supposed to be a social league, it still gets pretty competitive and there have been way too many disputes because of poor umping.

Our game on Tuesday was very exciting (or at least as exciting as can be given the rules). It was tied going into the bottom half of the last inning with us kicking to win. Two quick outs later, it looked bleak. But then one of our guys really got into one and somehow managed to end up on third base (a triple is almost unheard of). A walk later, one of our girls grounded to the pitcher, he fumbled the ball and then threw over to first. The throw was on time, but the first baseman fumbled it as well and it was clear to nearly everybody that she didn't get control by the time our kicker got there. She was safe. The runner at third scored and we won the game. But the first base ump called her out, even though she admitted she didn't see the play. The guy that was standing next to her who also seemed to be umping, said she was safe. The home plate ump wasn't paying any attention at all. About ten minutes of hard arguing back and forth by each side, the victory was finally given to us, why I don't know. It ruined an otherwise interesting game and I was more frustrated than happy to win.

Perhaps this would be a good point to go into some financials. In our league there are eight teams, each consist of 17 to 19 players. The cost to play is $66 per player bringing the team fee up to between $1122 to $1254. One of the teams is made up of Sharkeez employees (our post-game bar) so I think that they play for free but even with only seven paying teams, the Fiesta Division brings in $7,854 to $8,778.

They do give everybody a t-shirt and rent the field and throw two parties (which probably don't cost much because of the deal with the bar) but that should leave plenty leftover for a new set of bases and perhaps they could use $60 a night, $15 a game, and hire a couple umpires. These are not bank breaking ideas.

To be continued soon...



Posted by Brandon |

I was just doing some cleaning and came across my favorite Spanish-to-English Dictionary, Wicked Spanish. So why not open it up and learn some Spanish the Down With Pants! way...

From the "Love in the Time of Severe Abdominal Cramps Section":

En Español:
Amame una ultima vez antes de que me muera, mi pequeña empanada.

In English:
Love me once more before I die, my little empanada.


Non-Fantasy Football Post: Hot Animal Action!!!

Posted by Brandon |


2007 DWP! Fantasy Football - Week Two

Posted by Brandon |

Again, two posts tonight. One for the fantasy football junkies and one for everybody else.

First of all, I would like to announce the creation of the Chester the Molesting BLT High Scorer Award. It will be presented to each week's high scoring team. In general, it was a very high scoring week with even most of the losing teams posting scores that normally would be winners. But week three belonged to RW's Roast Ducks who scored a 135-95 victory over Turbo Chic thanks in part to Steve Smith and his 33 points. Very impressive indeed.

Close on his heels was the CK Lions who improved to 2-0 with a 133-88 beating of DutchBitch Drama. Carson Palmer had one of the biggest days in fantasy quarterback history scoring 49 points (too bad his real life team didn't play any D).

Also this past week, a scoring change was made and the Warped vs. johnnyhongkong game from week one was changed from a victory for johnnyhongkong to a tie. Both teams improved their records with victories this week and join CK Lions and Roast Ducks as the only remaining unbeatens.

Here's the whole slate of scores with leading scorers from week two...

johnnyhongkong (1-0-1) - 107 - Tony Romo - 22 points
CineRobots (0-2) - 88 - Chad Johnson - 32 points

Warped (1-0-1) - 106 - Joey Galloway - 25 points
Snackiesonics (1-1) - 96 - Tom Brady - 27 points

CK Lions (2-0) - 133 - Carson Palmer - 49 points
DutchBitch Drama (1-1) - 88 - Randy Moss - 22 point

Roast Ducks (2-0) - 135 - Steve Smith - 33 points
Turbo Chic - (0-2) - 95 - Andre Johnson - 24 points

Kapgar's Kapitans (1-1) - 112 - Young/R. Johnson - 18 points
Honea Express (1-1) - 81 - Drew Brees - 15 points

DOWN WITH PANTS! (1-1) - 85 - Matt Hasselbeck - 15 points
sinkintothepacific (0-2) - 55 - Marc Bulger - 18 points

There are no real marquee games in week three. Most everybody is very evenly matched especially the big Kapgar's Kapitans/Down With Pants! matchup. I'm predicting a big DWP! victory in that one. Also keep an eye on Snackiesonic's trio of studs against CineRobots, who really doesn't want to start 0-3.

The most interesting contest will be when the league's highest scoring team, CK Lions, face off with the league's lowest scoring team, singkintothepacific. Can Anthony's New Orleans tandem of Deuce McAllister and Reggie Bush finally contribute? Will the Lion's Carson Palmer come anywhere near his 49 points from this week?

vs. Snackiesonics
vs. DutchBitch Drama
Roast Ducks vs. Warped
Honea Express vs. Turbo Chic
CK Lions vs. sinkintothepacific
Kapgar's Kapitans vs. DOWN WITH PANTS!

I can see it now...Kapgar and Vince Young crying at the feet of Matt Hasselbeck and my powerehouse DWP! squad. Good luck, you're going to need it.


DWP! Thorny Issue: Illegal Immigration

Posted by Brandon |

I don’t totally know how I feel about illegal immigration. It’s such a thorny issue in so many ways with a massive amount of circular arguments that it ends up being neither a liberal nor conservative issue that is mind-bogglingly complex.

Without applying any arguments to the situation, I hold absolutely no ill will toward illegal immigrants. It’s a natural part of a country’s growth and in many ways is complimentary to our way of life. Despite what we perceive as problems with our country, there are still people who risk everything, including their lives, to get the opportunities that America affords its residents. Most of the people that I know of that have come over illegally are working their ass off for awful wages in terrible conditions but are happy to do it because they are providing for their families or trying to make a better life for themselves. It’s the ultimate pull-yourself-up-by-the-bootstraps story, it’s the American Dream, that’s why we are all here.

The one argument against illegal immigration that does anything for me is about how much strain it’s putting on our health care and educational systems. I can understand that argument, there’s empirical data to show how much it costs and the time involved dealing with illegal aliens. It’s a rational reason to cite as a reason to curb illegal immigration (it can NEVER really be stopped, no matter what Rudy Guiliani says). But even that argument can be traced back to more fundamental issues like the sorry state of health care and education generally in this country and issues of poverty that would be present with or without illegal immigrants.

But the number one reason that I’ll never get behind any anti-illegal immigration policy is because so much of the rhetoric used by anti-illegal groups are rooted in racism. They throw out all sorts of claims such as they bring disease over, they are criminals, they bring gangs and drugs into our communities all the while focusing on one ethnic group specifically, Hispanics. They engender fear and hate toward a group of people that is largely legally here.

Yesterday at an anti-immigration protest out in front of a church in Simi Valley that is sheltering a mother who might be deported to Mexico without her resident husband and children (it's kind of complicated), a small group of skinheads tried to join in the rally. To be fair, the protesters didn't allow them to be a part of their group, but to me, the fact that skinheads are on your side and want to be a part of what you are doing, that's a big red flag.

And because the anti-illegal movement is growing so much and becoming so contentious, all Hispanics now have to suffer. Hispanics here are all starting to be looked at and treated as if they are illegal immigrants. That just isn't fair. For example, the online version of my local newspaper, the Ventura County Star, allows registered users to comment on their stories and pretty much whenever a Hispanic name is given in a story about nearly anything, the trolls come out from under their bridges and start shouting about illegal immigration (“deport the criminal!”) whether it has anything to do with or says anything about their resident status.

As part of Hispanic Heritage Month, the Red Star (as the conservatives love to call it) printed a snippet profiling five Hispanics in the area that work or volunteer in positions that are contributing to keeping the Latino culture alive. Predictably, there were a couple comments like this...

"The Latino culture doesn't have a problem being 'kept alive' it's taking over every neighborhood, city and state in the United States."

Between idiotic statements like that, skinheads trying to join anti-illegal groups, my love for mariachi music and the fact that I always root for the underdog, I'm starting to kind of pull for illegal immigrants. Whatever pisses off the racist trolls is good by me.


Modest Mouse!

Posted by Brandon |

We just got back from the Modest Mouse show at the Santa Barbara Bowl. It was quite the show.

I've now seen them at all stages of their career. I saw them right after they released their debut CD and the college radio station I was DJ'ing for at the time was very instrumental in getting them nationwide airplay. They were just three young guys who were drunk and drugged out of their minds and couldn't keep the rhythm, couldn't tune their instruments and barely knew their own songs.

Then I saw them about seven years ago when they were very loud, very angry and totally hit or miss. Luckily they were on the night I saw them and they just tore Columbus, Ohio an new one. At the time, it was one of the best show I had ever been to.

And tonight, after some success and some refining it was awesome and somewhat gratifying to see them rock an almost full Bowl. The addition of former Smiths guitarist Johnny Marr has finally made them a consistently great band.

It's surprising to me that Isaac Brock, Jeremiah Green and Eric Judy made it far enough to even have the chance to be one of the best and definitely the most unique band today.

(Admittedly, the picture above isn't all that good, but it's the best one that I got. I hate taking pictures at shows because of how bright the screen is, not that it stops anyone else.)


What Brandon Likes - Under the Blacklight

Posted by Brandon |

Can I just say one thing to all of the longtime Rilo Kiley fans out there. Ha ha! Woo Hoo! The old Rilo Kiley is finally dead. Long live the new Rilo Kiley!

Ugh. There's never been a band that has given me more fits than Rilo Kiley. I was always so torn because I absolutely love Jenny Lewis' voice, it's easily my favorite female voice making music right now, maybe ever. And the rest of the band are obviously talented musicians. But their songs were SO boring. There were one or two songs from each of their albums that I really liked but other than that, it was nearly unlistenable. I felt like all this talent was being wasted on average indie music.

But then I listened to Under the Blacklight and it was as if a heavy load was lifted from my shoulders. I could finally enjoy Jenny Lewis and Blake Sennett as they were meant to be. Happy, poppy and fun tossed with a little bit of darkness. Exactly what I like. Ok, maybe the lyrics aren't as deep as More Adventurous and it's definitely more polished than anything they have ever done, but I welcome those changes with arms outstretched.

Listen Rilo Kiley fans, come off of the ledge. They have not "sold out" like most of you have suggested (this is their major label debut). Jenny Lewis is not trying to be the new Gwen Stefani and they are not "swimming uncomfortably with Hillary Duff, Lindsay Lohan, and Britney Spears." That's crazy talk.

Instead they are doing what all great bands do - explore. One of my favorite bands, Eels, have made a ton of albums all completely different than the next. That's what make them great to me. Some of them aren't as good as others but I appreciate the fact that they are always pushing themselves to do new things.

And that's how I think hardcore fans should take this album. The old Rilo Kiley isn't really dead. Don't be surprised if they end up making another album after this that satisfies all of your emotional needs.

I'm going to appreciate the "new" Rilo Kiley's Under the Blacklight like it should be appreciated, as one of the best albums of the year.


For The Rest of You - PUPPIES!!!

Posted by Brandon |


2007 DWP! Fantasy Football - Week One

Posted by Brandon |

There will be two posts tonight. One for the fantasy football junkies in the house and one for all the rest of you. First, fantasy football...

The 2007 season of DWP! Fantasy Football got off to a roaring start this weekend. The defending champion CK Lions picked up where they left off with a solid 98-70 victory over my sorry bunch of stiffs. DutchBitch Drama also had a fine opening week with a 108-58 slaughtering of CineRobots. Not even she could've predicted Jon Kitna and Randy Moss would have such good opening games?

But the week belonged to Snackiesonics and her 120 point outburst. How in the world did we allow her to put together a threesome like Ladanian Tomlinson, Terrell Owens and Tom Brady? I have a bad feeling we are going to be chasing her all season or at least until TO has his inevitable freakout.

Here the whole slate of scores with leading scorers from Week One...

DutchBitch Drama (1-0) - 108 - Jon Kitna - 26 points
CineRobots (0-1) - 58 - Chad Johnson - 15 points

johnnyhongkong (1-0) - 98 - Tony Romo - 42 points
Warped (0-1) - 96 - James/Witten - 17 points

Snackiesonics (1-0) - 120 - Tom Brady - 29 points
Turbo Chic - (0-1) - 91 - Andre Johnson - 18 points

Roast Ducks (1-0) - 90 - Peyton Manning - 29 points
Kapgar's Kapitans (0-1) - 73 - Reggie Wayne - 21 points

Honea Express (1-0) - 71 - Steelers Defense - 20 points
sinkintothepacific (0-1) - 48 - Laveranues Coles - 17 points

CK Lions (1-0) - 98 - Plaxico Frigging Burress? - 32 points
DOWN WITH PANTS! (0-1) - 70 - Hasselbeck/Hanson - 14 points

The marquee matchup of week two is between DutchBitch Drama and CK Lions. Will Moss implode like he always seems to do. Will Kitna live up to his promises and continue his outstanding play? Was that Plaxico Frigging Burress' best game ever? The Week Two matchups are...

vs. johnnyhongkong
Snackiesonics vs. Warped
Roast Ducks vs. Turbo Chic
Honea Express vs. Kapgar's Kapitans
CK Lions vs. DutchBitch Drama
sinkintothepacific vs. DOWN WITH PANTS!

Let the trash talk begin! Anthony - you up for a side bet?


Kittitas County Police Blotter #2

Posted by Brandon |

It was a busy week at Kittcomm. Here are the top ten pains in the asses that they had to deal with this week. Cheers to the Daily Record for printing the area's police blotter, I really appreciate it. Someday I'll tie all of these together and create the Great Kittitas County Novel.

10. A horse with a saddle arrived at a Teanaway Road residence, but the caller was worried about the rider who could have been injured nearby.

9. A caller reportedly found scuba gear on the side of Huntzinger Road. - Just a little bit of background, Kittitas County is in the middle of the state, nowhere near a body of water that one would scuba dive in.

8. A group of juveniles was reportedly trying to light flowers on fire on Mountain View Avenue. - There really truly isn't anything to do in Kittitas County if you are a kid.

7. Three children under 8 years old were reportedly playing on a bridge on Walnut Street. - Case in point.

6. Several people were reportedly loading items from the Goodwill on Washington Avenue into a vehicle, then stopped and fled after being seen. - How fucking cheap or hillbilly do you have to be to steal from the Goodwill?

5. A mule and rider were reportedly hit by a vehicle on Naneum Road and required aid. - The driver had to have been shocked to see a mule and a rider on Naneum Road. I don't think I've ever seen anyone riding a mule down the street.

4. A man on University Way reportedly tried to choke a person after ripping a fax machine out of the wall.

3. A man was reportedly verbally abusing a person on University Way and hit the side of a building with his head. - What the newspaper doesn't address is whether or not this was the same man from #4.

2. A sheep herding operation on Manastash was reportedly trespassing on private land. - Wait. There are sheep herders that wander the countryside in Washington State? I had no idea.

1. Five people were called in for a verbal argument on Sprague Street - Don't you think that the police have plenty of other crap to deal with. Do they really need to call in people for a verbal argument? Sounds like they just could've drove downtown to see one of those.


Ho Plaza

Posted by Brandon |

I love it when I find an old picture that I had forgot about. This picture, taken on the campus of Cornell University during our trip there in May, is one of my favorite accidental pictures that I ever took.


Bacon, Lettuce, Tomato and, is that Mayo?

Posted by Brandon |

You know, I was doing so well with this blogging thing. I feel like I had hit a stride, was making some new friends, had a ton of subjects to post about and otherwise having a good time with it. Then a week like this comes around and I laze out. I skipped a day on Wednesday just because nothing came to me, then Thursday I had a softball game in Simi Valley (35 miles from here) at 9:00 so I didn't get home until real late and was tired. Yesterday Death? convinced me to take the day off of work and go to Disneyland, so again we were out late. Add all that up, and you get one boring week at Down With Pants! Oh well.

And I've got to get my butt in gear and get going pretty soon, so I'll keep this short as well. But let me introduce to you the winner of the DWP! Mascot Challenge - the one, the only, the creepy - CHESTER THE MOLESTING BLT!!!

Congratulations Chester, do us proud! Do you have anything to say?

"Um...I'd like to thank God, my parole officer, the Archdiocese of Los Angeles and....Um...and to all of those that doubted me and to all of my critics and accusers, I have just one thing to say...DOWN WITH PANTS!"

Um...thanks Chester. Oh god. What have I gotten myself into?


You Will Write a Throwaway Post

Posted by Brandon |

I found a fortune from a fortune cookie in my wallet today that I had forgotten about. It's probably the worst fortune that I have ever received. I usually get pretty bad ones, but usually they are backhanded compliments or just a little bit ominous. This one was just plain ridiculous though...

Is that straight from Confucius? Are they even trying anymore? My next one will probably be "You will proceed to get Jiggy wit it".

MASCOT CHALLENGE UPDATE: I was planning on announcing a winner tonight but again, we are stuck on a tie. It's currently 13 to 13. You have one more day to vote.



Posted by Brandon |

Like I said last week, I usually don't post pictures of girls in states of undress. But I think that Death? and most of you would approve of and would want to see the pics of Maggie Gyllenhaal in her new gig as the face of Agent Provocateur (NSFW). And I think we can all agree that it's a nice way to start a Tuesday after a three day weekend.

Maggie is one of our favorite actresses and Secretary is one of our favorite movies, so it's nice to see her replace the coked out Kate Moss, especially less than a year after giving birth to her first child. The next time we'll see Maggie on film is in The Dark Knight alongside Christian Bale. Now that I know she's in the next Batman movie, I can't wait for July.

Speaking of Christian Bale...

Rrrrrrr...He's another guy that I might go gay for.

P.S...There aren't too many guys I'd go gay for right now. Are there any that I'm missing?


DWP! Police Blotter

Posted by Brandon |

My favorite part of any newspaper is the police blotter.

In college, the BG News would print the names of the idiots who got busted and a little bit about what happened. Usually, it was pretty funny, especially if they tried to print the explanation given by the suspect to the police.

When Death? was working in Tonasket, Washington she would clip and save the police blotters from the local newspaper and they were golden. That paper gave you everything that was called into the police, regardless of how meaningless it was. You wouldn't believe what some people call the cops for. It was the best police blotter that I have ever read. If I can find her clippings, I'll share them with you sometime.

But, unfortunately, it seems that the blotter is slowly starting to disappear. My local paper, the Ventura County Star, doesn't print one. The smaller, weekly paper that is printed for the east side of our county prints one, but it only chronicles arrests, most of which are boring and unsatisfying. I'm going to see if I can find a complete blotter for Oxnard and Ventura, because I know that there must be some ridiculous crap that's called in around here.

In the meantime until I can figure out the Oxnard/Ventura blotter, I bring to you the best blotter that I have found online so far. Sometimes blotters are good because they give you a lot of information, but sometimes they are even better when they leave it to the imagination. The following is the ten best items from this week's Kittitas County (Washington) Daily Record police blotter, a blotter that leaves a lot to the imagination...

10. A caller said a vehicle on Main Street had the smell of alcohol. (Was it, perhaps, a beer truck?)

9. Three juveniles reportedly had three cases of beer in an alley just off Main Street.

8. Three juveniles were reported smoking an unknown item on Craig’s Hill. (These three juveniles sure know how to party!)

7. A Thorp Highway resident reportedly heard a vehicle collision, but could not see it.

6. A man’s speaker was reportedly pawned by his ex-wife in Kittitas. (Speaker? As in, one, singular?)

5. An adult man was said to be spraying cars with a hose on First Avenue, causing them to swerve.

4. A landlord on Eighth Avenue reportedly threatened a resident to allow cars from the fair to park in her yard or get rid of her dog.

3. Four people reportedly attempted to break into a Lincoln Street garage in Cle Elum, two were stuck on the roof

2. A man visited a neighbor on Colockum Road to borrow a screw driver and was reportedly told to leave or he would be shot.

1. A man claimed a hotel on Interstate 90 near Ellensburg has been taken over by a gang of criminals because he is not able to get a room.



Posted by Brandon |

...at the Ventura Organic Farmer's Market today:
"Isn't she a lot less trips around the sun than you? I don't believe in age."

...at a the Ventura College football game tonight, said in the snottiest way possible:
"You text slow."