DWP!'s Post of Random Crap

Posted by Brandon |

Well I hate to do this but a whole bunch of things are floating around in my gourd and I don't have much time to write whole posts about them so I'll just jot down a sentence or two about all of them...

1. I Got my "I Did Not Vote 4 Bush" wristband Saturday. I'm now wearing it with pride. You can grab yours too at I Did Not Vote 4 Bush.com.

2. Went to Vancouver with Death? on Saturday. Went to the awesome Granville Island Public Market and got some incredible cheese including Maple Cheddar and Guinness Cheddar. Browsed around Chinatown a bunch and then went to a hockey game. Wrote a big ole post about it at The Sports Logo Pundit.

3. I Joined a gym this past week. I realized I went almost a year without really breaking a sweat. I mean, I sweated a bit but not sopping wet kind of sweat. I'm already feeling much better.

4. I wish people at work didn't know about my blog. I would love to write some things about work but the risks outweigh the rewards. I'm not willing to be fired because of DWP!

5. I was getting myself all worked into a lather the other day because of the lack of comments on DWP! and The Sports Logo Pundit but I realized I haven't been leaving many comments on other people's blogs either so I shouldn't be so upset. That being said, I'm going to try to make a better effort to read blogs when surfing Blog Explosion or Blog Clicker and actually start leaving more comments.

6. The King Solomon Burke is releasing a new album in March and is planning on doing a tour. If you don't know Solomon Burke you better get with it now and grab a couple of his albums. He is absolutely incredible.

7. I read one of the most disturbing articles today about how teenagers think the First Amendment is no big deal. Come on! It's the biggest of all the big deals. It should be number one on everybody's issues list. Without free speech everything is fucked. All of the other rights become null and void. I understand how this has happened though since kids are not being taught about the First Amendment in any meaningful way. I will most likely have more on this later.

Well, that's just about it for now. I had more to write about earlier but a couple of things have flown the coup from my melon. I need a notebook so I can start writing all this crap down when I think of it.


DWP!'s Campaign Against Star's Wedding Train

Posted by Brandon |

Last night I watched InStyle's Celebrity Weddings on ABC. These are the weird things you end up doing when you are slated to get married in a few months. It actually wasn't as gut-wrenching as I expected it to be until they got to the Star Jones-Al Reynolds wedding from last year. That's when the shit hit the fan for me.

If you know nothing about this wedding let me try to describe it in one sentence because I don't really want to rehash the whole horrible thing. Domineering D-list talk show host and gay banker wed in made for TV, corporate sponsored ceremony in front of big names and no friends. I think that just about sums it up. Gawker has a whole category dedicated to Star Jones so if you want more info go check it out. And if you really want to be sick visit the official website of the wedding, Starandal.com. Yuck, I think I just threw up a little bit in my mouth.

What sickened me the most on the TV special was her bragging about the 27 foot train on her wedding dress, apparently the longest train ever, two feet longer than Princess Di's. She even went so far as to point out that in the bridal industry they now say "Star Cathedral Length" when describing a long train. The audacity of this fake celebrity to try and one up Princess Di is just so ridiculous. I mean, I'm not a big fan of the royals, but a princess should hold this record, don't you think?

So, that being said, and since this nobody now holds some kind of record, I feel that someone has to one up this smarmy bitch. Preferably someone totally unknown to the rest of the world. Just a commoner if you will. And, not only that, but I would love to see this done as cheaply as possible. I'm thinking of a 30 foot train made of newspaper. 75 cents worth of material.

Please feel free to steal my idea. Go ahead and make one. Honestly, I'll probably never get around to it. Unfortunately Death? has already said no way, she won't wear the 30 foot newspaper train, but I'm sure some brave soul somewhere would be willing to. I'll do everything I can to publicize that you are wearing this train. I'll do my best to make sure everybody in the world knows that you are the new record holder topping that psycho Star Jones. I promise. Just let me know and I'll be right there with you.


Weird Spam

Posted by Brandon |

While checking my personal Yahoo! email today I came across a troubling spam email. It was one of those scam bank emails that tells you to enter your debit card number and pin so they can help you out. I get tons of those everyday at all of my email addresses. Usually they are picked up by the spam blocker and I never even notice them.

However, this email today got past my spam blocker because it somehow looked like it was from someone on my contact list. The little file icon I circled in the picture is what Yahoo! uses to signify that it came from someone in your address book. Of course it didn't come from anyone in my address book so I'm curious how they managed to mark it like it did.

Has anyone else run into this? Is this a common practice that just barely is getting to me or is this something new that someone has discovered they can exploit?



Posted by Brandon |

I'm willing to bet that what I'm about to say will get me more hate mail than anything I have ever posted, but I'm going to say it anyway. I HATE SLAYER!!!!

Oh my god, it feels good to get that off my chest. One of the guys at work brought in one of their CD's and has been playing it occasionally and it grates on my nerves every time I hear it.

The lyrics are supposed to be hardcore and graphic but to me they just sound like stuff only D&D nerds would be interested in(my apologies to the D&D nerds everywhere). And that's when you can understand them. One of the lyrics I heard today was and I quote "GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE, RABBA RABBA HEY, DUBBA DUBBA RABBA, UNTIL THE END!" Or something like that. And then there are the seemingly random high pitched guitar solos that are rhythmless and totally unnecessary.

But I have to put up with it. I play music that I know the others don't like so I don't think it's fair to ask someone to turn off something just because I don't like it. I turn it to KEXP whenever I can and I know that doesn't sit well with Mr. Metal (KEXP can drive me crazy too when it gets brooding and boring, which unfortunately is most of the time. But it's the only decent Seattle radio option anymore).

Listening to Slayer makes me long for the beautiful melodies of, well, really just about anybody. God I wish I had a David Hasselhoff CD at work to balance it all out.


Site Question

Posted by Brandon |

Just a quick question for y'all about my template. Does my title's font look all funky to you? On the computer I usually use it looks great. Very smooth and whatnot, but I have had to use quite a few different computers lately and it looks kind of funky. I just want to know if it looks funky for a lot of you or is it just a coincidence for these couple computers. Thanks!


Good Night Johnny

Posted by Brandon |

Sadly enough, Johnny Carson passed away today at age 79. I remember as a kid staying up a little to late and accidentally watching Johnny on The Tonight Show and thinking he was the most boring person ever. But as I got older he rarely failed to make me laugh out loud even when he was bombing.

I loved that he was willing to take risks on unknown artists unlike a lot of the current network shows. It was the first place I ever saw They Might Be Giants and I was blown away. Unfortunately, I forgot about them and only rediscovered TMBG in the late 90's but I always remembered how Johnny let this band that I had never heard of play his show and then brought them over to the couch and was excited by them in the same way that I was.

I wish we had more people like him on TV still today. The only ones that even comes close are David Letterman and Jon Stewart. Thanks for the memories Johnny and good night.


DWP! - Fashion Trendsetter

Posted by Brandon |

Ok, so I was in a hurry because I was running a little bit late for work and I was pretty damn tired but seriously, this was the look I was going for. All the cool kids are wearing two different shoes to work these days. If you don't wear two different shoes you are a total square!


A Down With Pants! Poetry Moment

Posted by Brandon |

Tonight I bring you the first installment of DWP!'s Poetry Moment. This first poem is a very fine piece from an up-and-coming young talent by the name of Chris Bridges. His poetry is rooted in the Dirty South and his connection to the streets and the troubles that he has faced in fame. This poem addresses those problems as well as being a very touching tribute to his Grandmother, mother and all of the fine women that have been at the forefront of his life.

And now an excerpt from Chris Bridge's seminal love ballad, "Area Codes"...

Now everyday is a hoe-ly day,
so stop the violence,
And put the 4-4 away,
skeet shoot a hoe today.

5-0-4, 9-7-2’s, 7-1 tree, watcha gunna do?
you checkin’ out the scene, I’m checkin’ a hoe tonite,
with perpendicular, vehicular homicide,
3-1-4, 2-0-1 (hey),
Too much green, too much fun.

I bang cock in Bangkok, can’t stop,
I turn and hit the same spot, think not.

I’m the thriller in manilla,
Dong in Hong Kong,
Pimp ’em like bishop,
Magic, Don Juan.

Man after a henny and a coke and a smile,
I just pick up the muthafuckin phone and dial,
I got my condoms in a big ass sack,
I’m slangin this dick like a new jack (biatch).

Beautiful! Just beautiful. You can just feel the love and respect for women that Chris Bridges has in each and every one of his words. The women in his life have got to be so proud! Keep up the good work Mr. Bridges. We look forward to more inspirational words from you in the future.


Carrot Juice

Posted by Brandon |

Ok, I've said it before and I'm going to say it again. What the fuck is up with Carrot Top? Look at this guy! He's a prop comic for god's sake! Why does he need to be so huge? Isn't there some kind of steroid testing for shitty comics? The guy has to be on the juice. There is absolutely no other way that little old Carrot Top from the early nineties could have turned into the Terminator. When Mark McGwire got big everybody knew what was going on, can't we assume the same thing for the Top?


Sinead O'Connor

Posted by Brandon |

I was just watching I Love the 90's Part Deux on VH1 and they came upon the subject of Sinead O'Connor tearing up the Pope's picture on Saturday Night Live. I never was a big fan of Sinead O'Connor and ripping up the Pope's picture wasn't really my cup of tea. Not because I like the Pope or anything but mainly because it seemed like such a snotty, artsy-fartsy thing to do. However, I always liked that she had the guts to stand up and do it and put her career on the line for something she believed in and I think people took it way, way to seriously.

For example, the one thing that bothered me then and still bothers me to this day about that incident was when she was booed offstage by a crowd at a Bob Dylan tribute concert. These people were at a concert honoring the man who wrote "Masters of War", one of the greatest and most powerful protest songs of all time that basically wishes death on the higher powers. And yet they still booed Sinead O'Connor off of the stage for ripping up a photo of the Pope. Did these people ever even listen to a Dylan song? How could hippies fall so far? Had every single one of them completely lost their way?

It was then that I realized that the hippies of the 60's and 70's never were really revolutionary. Most of the people in that group were in it for the crowds. It was a trendy thing to do for young people. To scare the old folks by being more liberal was the in thing to do. Just because my parents stayed liberal and somewhat hippie (thankfully not all the way) doesn't mean that everybody did. Most just moved onto the next trend and gradually forgot all about the liberal principles that were supposedly at the forefront of that movement.

It was also then that I promised myself, at the age of 14 or 15, that I would never let my principles slide. I would always remain open to new ideas and to whatever someone else has to say regardless of if I agree with it or not. I feel that it's one of my greatest strengths. As a liberal I find it increasingly challenging to listen to conservatives but I will do my best to continue listening because if I stop I'll be no better than that crowd that booed Sinead O'Connor off of the stage at a Bob Dylan concert in 1992.


The Sports Logo Pundit

Posted by Brandon |

Today I launched my latest pet project and new blog, The Sports Logo Pundit. Combining my love for minor league sports, merchandise and blogging, The Sports Logo Pundit will give you a new logo almost everyday to consider plus a review and possibly snarky comments from your boy Brandon. Please visit my new blog, enjoy the wacky world of logos and please give me any feedback about it. Thanks!


Brandon's Ballcaps - Elmira Pioneers

Posted by Brandon |

I spent one of the best summers of my life in Upstate New York living in Ithaca with Death? and interning for the Elmira Pioneers baseball team and this ballcap stayed on my head for almost the entirety of the summer. Whether I was shagging flies in the outfield, writing press releases, representing the Pio's while sitting in David Letterman's Late Show crowd, getting doused by beer and champagne celebrating our first half championship or just hanging out by Cayuga Lake, most likely this cap was on my head.

It was 2001 and I was a Sports Management major at Bowling Green and wanted to continue learning and working for a baseball team. Two years prior I worked for the Grays Harbor Gulls in Hoquiam, Washington and I learned a ton about running a small minor league team. I was hoping to intern that summer for my major but unfortunately due to my idiocy and the bureaucracy at BGSU, I wasn't eligible for internship credit. I would have to do it for fun and maybe a little bit of money.

Thankfully I did make a little bit of money but the best thing about the Pioneers is how much fun we had. The credits and the money didn't matter at all. We had a very close knit front office composed of three full-time employees and four interns, all but one under the age of 25. We worked really hard and played really hard and had a blast at work every single day. Plus we got free baseball caps, polo shirts and t-shirts so we could represent the Pioneers wherever we went.

I still represent the Pioneers to this day by pulling out this cap from time to time despite the fact that it barely fits and is pretty damn nasty. Anything I can do for the team that gave me my best experience in baseball and one of the best summers of my life.


Confucius Say

Posted by Brandon |

Tonight at dinner at Jimmy's, a surprisingly decent new Chinese/Thai restaurant in Lacey, Washington, we received our fortune cookies and promptly cracked and read them to each other. The first fortune is mine and the second is Death?'s...

Pretty innocuous huh? Not that big a deal. Then my mom made a comment that whenever you get a fortune cookie you should always add the words "in bed" to the end of the fortune...

Damn! If this trick works, it sounds like I have a pretty good weekend to look forward to. I needed a little bit of motivation to get me through this week. Finally a fortune cookie comes through for your old boy Brandon.


We Had Crappy Hockey Fans?

Posted by Brandon |

I was told by Death? tonight that we must have had some crappy hockey fans at Bowling Green because I had never heard someone yell...


I heard someone yell that at the Huskies basketball game on Thursday night and I laughed my ass off. Of course she had never heard anyone ask the question...


And then have the entire crowd respond...


Of course this is a clever riff on the famous line from A Few Good Men that originated at BG hockey games. I think it's a much more eloquent and clever cheer that gets the entire crowd involved unlike those dirty minded cheers that they do at Cornell.

Crappy State University students - 1
Ivy Leaguers - 0



Posted by Brandon |

Last night my favorite Seattle restaurant, Gorditos, reopened after three weeks off for Christmas vacation. The reopening last night had the feel of an event because everybody and their little sister was there. What usually takes 15-20 minutes took me nearly an hour. But it was all worth it because I got a Wet Steak Burrito and Pozole...

It's hard to exactly understand the size of that Burrito. That's a normal sized dinner plate that is overflowing with Burrito goodness. Plus it's a good three or four inches tall topped with a delicious sauce. All of this for only $5.75 and a dollar extra for soup. Usually this makes two meals. Dinner one night and lunch the next day, but I was seriously craving some Gorditos and ended up eating the whole thing. Half when I got home and half during the West Wing.

If you live in Seattle and like Mexican food but have never been to Gorditos, what's wrong with you? It's incredible. It's in the Greenwood neighborhood near the intersection of Greenwood and 85th. If you are ever visiting Seattle you should check it out. It's just up the road from Woodland Park Zoo and is easily accessible from the freeway. They also have a taco wagon in Ballard off of 15th just before the Ballard bridge. It isn't nearly as good as the restaurant but still incredible if you are in a hurry.


Mind Control

Posted by Brandon |

Not only am I magic, but now it seems I have some very strong mind control powers. At work today I was listening to 107.7 The End and during the all-request-lunchtime-flashback-hour thing they do I decided I really wanted to hear They Might Be Giant's "Don't Let's Start". So I tried and tried and tried to call in and make my request but never could get through.

Then, moments after giving up on my request, those lovely and familiar keyboards kicked in and John and John started singing "Don't Let's Start" and my request was granted in an eerie way. Brian in West Seattle probably was asking for some TMBG at the same time I was trying to request them. But he probably wanted to hear some Limp Bizkit or something but when he got the DJ on the phone all he could spit out was "Don't Let's Start". I think I might try to see what else I can get Brian in West Seattle to do with my new found mind control powers over him.


Brandon's Ballcaps

Posted by Brandon |

I own a ton of baseball caps. I've been wearing ballcaps pretty much non-stop since I was twelve or thirteen years-old giving me nearly fifteen years to build an impressive collection of hats. Of course this collection is kind of ugly because I don't really collect hats, I actually wear them and it's not a pretty thing that I do to my hats. So today I bring you a new weekly feature...Brandon's Ballcaps (better known as a lame device to save my ass when I have nothing else to write about).

This is my all-time favorite cap I've ever owned. It is the #1 choice in my current rotation. It's a replica of the cap worn by the New York Knights in the movie The Natural. Made by Stall & Dean (my former employer), It's made of real wool flannel and has a cotton sweatband. It's such a nice soft cap, it just feels great to wear it.

For the past couple of years this cap has been on my head for just about everything or at least has been worn the day after. This cap holds a special part of my heart because the past two years have been the best of my life and this cap has been through it all with me. No other cap I have owned has ever been through so much and held up so well. Others had short spans of greatness and then faded away or burned out in a flash, but not this great cap. It has stood the test of time and continues to be my special ballcap.

Sadly this cap is starting to fall on hard times. Recently I ran it through the washing machine because it was starting to get pretty disgusting and none of my other cleaning options sounded very good. The washing machine got it nice and clean, but the crown shrunk ever so slightly and now doesn't come all the way down to my ears. Since I haven't had a haircut in a while I look pretty damn scruffy while wearing it. All that means is that I need to get haircuts more regularly so that this great Knights cap and I can forge ahead and continue this great run together as one.


I'm Magic

Posted by Brandon |

Friday morning I brought a Diet Cherry Coke with me to work. I drank a little bit more than half of it before setting it on my workstation and forgetting about it. We had a leak in the roof above our area and had to move a bunch of boxes around so that our building manager could figure out the problem.

While moving these boxes I must have bumped my workstation ever so slightly and knocked my soda over. I went to the restroom and did some other work and about half an hour later I returned to my workstation and was stopped dead in my tracks by what I found...

Completely freaked out I ran into the other room and yelled at my coworkers to come see what I found. Everybody accused me of setting it up and didn't believe that it could just happen randomly.

Of course this phenomenon is easily explained. But before you start spouting off some kind of scientific crap about center of gravity and whatnot, let me set you straight. It obviously was Magic. I must be magic. There really is no other explanation. These powers that I possess are strong. So you'd best not cross me or else you might find yourself a victim of my magic just like this can of Diet Cherry Coke.


An Etiquette Question

Posted by Brandon |

Yesterday I went and got my car washed and cleaned at the Elephant Car Wash here in Seattle and I ran into a etiquette question that I need some advice on.

At the Elephant you drive your car in and give it to a guy, he then takes it, vacuums it, throws away any trash and sends it through the car wash. Then it gets wiped down, the windows cleaned and the inside freshened up. When the guy is done with it he waves his towel and you come and turn in your receipt and drive away with a nice clean car. Basically, It's a full service car wash.

I have never tipped the guy when I pick the car up from him and I don't think many people do, although I think I've seen some people slyly tipping. I'm not sure if it's something that is expected and I've just been a stiff or if it's a real rarity and a huge bonus when someone does tip.

So the question is, should I be tipping these dudes? They stand out in the cold all day wiping down cars and most likely don't get paid very much and I would feel bad about stiffing them if it was expected. On the other hand it is expensive enough to get my car washed at the Elephant and would rather not spend any more money. It's true, I'm cheap. If etiquette calls for tipping, I'll tip pretty darn good. If it doesn't, I won't.

If you have any advice please let me know in the comments.


On Cell Phones and Parenting

Posted by Brandon |

Ok, so I haven't had a good rant on here in quite some time but a commercial that I keep seeing has really been bothering me and I feel the time has come. The commercial I speak of is for one of the major cell phone companies. The spokesman gets off of his bus and into a throng of upset parents. He asks if they are fed up with their kids going over their minutes on their cell phone and the price that they have to pay if they do. He tells them to switch to his plan and avoid these costly overages and blah blah blah.

Is this really what happens with parents and their kids cell phones these days? I'm too old to have had my parents buy me a cell phone and to young to buy one for a kid so I have no experience with this. Do parents really buy their kids cell phones and then put up with it when they go over their minutes costing them a ton of money or is this just a trick to make it look like they should?

If parents do really do this then I have one thing to say....FOR GOD'S SAKE STOP IT! Why the hell would you pay for these charges! Tell your lazy ass kid to get off of their fat butt and get a job to pay the bill and take away his cell phone. If it happens once, fine, it was a mistake. I can understand that. But if it's more than once then someone needs to pay and it shouldn't be you. Get some balls and do some parenting. A cell phone is not a right.

On the other hand, if you are stupid enough to give a teenager a cell phone then maybe you should pay out your ass for the overage charges. And don't give me that "it was only supposed to be for emergencies" bullshit. If you really thought that it was going to be used only for emergencies then you should turn yourself over to science so that they can meticulously study how it's possible that a person survived all those years without a brain. It's like hiring an alcoholic to drive a beer delivery truck and taking him out for a drink before his first run. You cannot complain when things go wrong.

So I guess my point is this. the only real way to avoid these problems is to simply not give your kids a cell phone. There is absolutely no reason that a teenager needs to have one. There is only one thing that it can be used for. Evil. So stop giving them cell phones and start parenting you stupid douchebags.


Mittie AKA Oven Mitt

Posted by Brandon |

Inexplicably, the Down With Pants! crew made a pit stop at Arby's last week and while in the drive thru spotted the above recall notice. Mittie, as we have taken to call him and who we think may be the long lost cousin of South Park's Towelie, completely threw us for a loop. After knocking around quite a few theories and doing some research on Arbys.com I have finally put together all the pieces and present you with a detailed summary of the events leading up to the posting of this vague recall notice...

October 20th - 2:35 PM - Blaine, Arby's marketing guru, quips in afternoon meeting, "we should come up with a little mascot thingy that we can put on a bunch of crap and sell around the holidays."

October 20th - 10:00 PM - Mark, one of Arby's college marketing intern, goes home after a long day of unpaid work, gets stoned and passes out while watching Comedy Central. Towelie episode plays during drug induced dream in which intern is named CEO after Mittie craze sweeps the nation.

October 21st- 8:30 AM - Mark returns to work, pitches idea, is promptly given an "F" and sent back to Bowling Green State University where he will continue his education for the next 8 years and misses graduating by only five credits, his internship.

October 21st - 8:35 AM - As soon as intern leaves building, work begins on new Mittie campaign, Blaine takes credit.

October 21st - 8:42 AM - After minutes of research and development and millions of dollars paid to an ad agency, Mittie is born. Only Mittie isn't a good enough name. Instead, they will call him Oven Mitt and trademark the moniker.

November 1st - 11:32 AM - In a moment of regret and guilt after learning that his secretary is pregnant and he is the father, Blaine decides to use Oven Mitt for good. "We shall sell Oven Mitt at our stores, for $1.99 to raise money for a charity. Which one, I'm not sure. Either Big Brothers/Big Sisters or Pro-Choice America."

November 5th-15th - Oven Mitt craze suddenly sweeps the nation. Arby's is flooded with bigs purchasing Oven Mitt for their littles (Pro-Choice America abandoned after secretary realizes that morning sickness was probably caused by a bad Beef and Cheddar eaten during a romantic dinner with Blaine).

November 6th-16th - Thousands upon thousands of children rushed to emergency rooms with second degree burns on their hands after trying to cook their bigs a "thank you" cake in a beautiful goodwill gesture. Thousands of chocolate-peanut butter-Gatorade-gummy worm surprise cakes ruined.