Closing Ceremonies

Posted by Brandon |

I have seen a lot of blogs say the same thing, but I really need to get this off my chest. What the fuck was Ricky Martin and his whores doing at the Olympic closing ceremonies last night?

What a bunch of bullshit that was. The man isn't Italian, he isn't Canadian, and he sure as hell isn't good, so why was he allowed anywhere near Torino? I guess "Cup Of Life" is an OK sports party song, but that doesn't mean he should be allowed to do his new shitty rap song with his bitches in shredded fishnets and nothing much more gyrating behind his totally uninterested ass. I don't care what the record label or his agent says, the Olympics are the Olympics, they set the rules. Not Ricky Fucking Menudo Martin.

It ruined an otherwise solid closing ceremony. I could even handle having to see that two-bit, no-talent, punk-wannabe, pop-princess Avril Lavigne butcher some inspirational piece of crap. At least she's Canadian. She had a reason to be there.

So fuck Ricky Martin, fuck the closing ceremonies and fuck NBC (that is a whole other topic).

In a completely unrelated note...

Margaritas from the Dispensa-rita (tm) kick ass!!! And yes, I did get quite an uneven sunburn, thank you very much.


The Ultimate Vons Shopping Trip

Posted by Brandon |

First of all, go check out my new renter The Art of Getting By. One of my favorite blogs (she was one of my first blogroll adds), I kind of felt bad taking her credits. I should be the one shelling out the big bucks to be on her blog. Now, on to the show...

This evening, the wife and I made a quick trip to our local Vons (that's Safeway for all the cool people) where I picked up the motherload of incredibly disturbing and exciting new products.

1. Kellogg's Pops Cereal - Not really a new product, just a new name and a radical new packaging design. Kellogg's is apparently trying to gain some street cred ditching the embarrassingly un-hot "corn" from the name and replacing it with hip graffiti...

I can't wait to hear 50 Cent (fitty to all my peeps) drop Pops in one of his new joints, yo! They should have gone for the gusto and used "big yellow taste...sweet puffed crunch, bitches!" as their slogan. I would have much more respect for that.

2. Lay's Sensations Sweet Chili and Sour Cream Chips - Lay's gets all fancy on your ass! Trying to cash in on the Kettle Chips, gourmet potato chips craze, Lay's has done something that I thought was unimaginable. They have created an even more greasy chip. I think I can feel the peanut oil congealing in my arteries right now.

3. Kellogg's Eggo Waffle Maple Syrup Cereal - Finally, my love for waffles and my love for cereal crash into each other in an unholy combination. I can finally stop pouring milk all over my syrup soaked Eggo's in the morning. Hale-fucking-lujah!

4. Tab Energy Drink - I hate to go all Seinfeld on you, but seriously, who are these people who are still drinking Tab? And how have they managed to convince anybody that a Tab Energy Drink would either taste good or sell well? I personally think that this product was created just for me to blog about.

5. The Big Bucket Strawberry Margarita Mix - Last, and certainly not least, the Big Bucket is one of the most innovative inventions of all time. All you have to do is open it up, pour a bottle of Tequila in and voila', Margaritas for everybody! But then you are left with a big problem...Access. How the hell do you get those Margaritas served up conveniently?

Enter the new Dispensa-Rita (tm), a genius use of a spout and a trademark that makes a good, old-fashioned drunken weekend even easier.

In fact, we have a weekend retreat starting tomorrow where we will pretty much do nothing but relax and drink. I can't wait to just hoist that Big Bucket over my head, open the Dispensa-Rita (tm) and start chugging. Does anybody know the number for 911?



Posted by Brandon |

I have taken to carrying a baseball bat in the trunk of my car. It serves two purposes. It’s my softball bat and I just keep my softball bag in the car because I’m lazy and forgetful.

But in reality, the real purpose that it stays in my trunk is so that if anyone ever asks me if I am “gellin”, I can run to the car, get my bat and beat the living shit out of them.

How do you like me now, Magellan? And no, I haven’t tried the prosciutto and melon. Fuck you for asking.


Hot Ice

Posted by Brandon |

The best part of the Olympics so far has been the speed skating. The Americans are winning medals but fighting like little girls. The Italian with the big schnoz has won two golds. The competition has been fast and exciting and great to watch, as always.

But where speed skating has really stood out this year has been in the outfits. You really have to give it up to Nike. They have taken their experience with the Oregon Ducks football uniforms and have built upon that foundation to bring us the most stylish, high performance singlets in the history of sports.

The Norwegian team is outfitted from head-to-toe in red with blue sleeves which, in the long run, ends up being one of the most conservative looks.

"Frig you, Eh! I'm from Canada. Please excuse me or I will cut you with my sleeves."

Dude, don't look at me, I wasn't the one who put you in thigh-highs and silver and orange fishnet gloves. Don't blame me for that spot of navy between your legs, I had nothing to do with it. My advice to you, don't drop the soap. Your name isn't 'Twan, is it?

MY EYES! MY EYES! OH GOD - THE HORROR! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! MAKE IT STOP! Seriously, I think Russia found a 1,000 year-old dude frozen in the ice of one of their speed skating rinks, thawed him out and taught him how to skate. What is worse, though? Captain Caveman's face or Russia's uniforms?

Can you believe that the Americans are the most conservative, subdued and best looking team in speed skating? I would have expected head-to-toe red, white and blue stars and stripes with a big "In God We Trust" slogan and a gaudy cartoon eagle and the images of the Twin Towers. Instead we look classy. If only our skaters could act that way.


Archie McPhee Blog Contest

Posted by Brandon |

The wife and I are house sitting this weekend. We have a fireplace, a hot tub, a barbecue, a fire pit, two kittens and beachfront property. Don't expect much from Down With Pants! this weekend unless your name is Death?

In the meantime, take a second to sign up for Archie McPhee's (my former beloved employer) blog contest. All you have to do is link to them on your blog and then send your link to contest@mcphee.com and next month they will draw five names. Those fabulously lucky folks will win $100 gift certificates. It couldn't be easier.

If I won the $100 gift certificate I think I would stock up on Tots pencil toppers. You can't have too many tots. I just hope I don't get a tummy ache.



Posted by Brandon |

This afternoon I decided to take down my Aristocrats joke. I was sick of seeing it and I was sick of all the hits that it was generating from searches that were absolutely disgusting. If these perverts are going to get here, I don't want them to read a story they might enjoy.

So I am going to include a list of all the searches that I have had today so that when they search for these phrases they will be greeted with a very clear message. So here we go...


12 year old pussy
girl cums with dog
dad fuck his daughter


son double penetrated
10 year old girl pulling down her pants
watch the whole video of she males fucking boys


And that's just a couple of them. Since I am a Sitemeter user and I can only go back 100 hits, I lost some of the worst ones. If I get more hits with subjects like this I am going to add them right here complete with more insults.

Fuck you perverts! Quit making me feel bad about my blog.


The Peevery

Posted by Brandon |

I am auditioning for a spot as a Peever over at The Peevery today. Head on over there to read 15 peeves from a wide range of topics. Please leave a comment either voting for me to join The Peevery or not. I don't really care if you vote for me , just head over there and give your honest opinion.

Also, while your at it, please visit my new renter, The Rock Bitch. I love the title of her latest post, "Senior Citizen Hunting Season". If only!



Posted by Brandon |

My head hurts. I just got smacked upside the head repeatedly with the two ton brick that poses as a message in the movie Crash, the most overrated pile of stinking poo to ever hit the Best Picture category at the Oscars.

I don't understand. Did everybody who has been raving about this film watch the same ham-fisted, overly preachy, painfully predictable, poorly acted, insulting-to-my-intelligence film that I did? I heard many people say that it is a very challenging film. You are right about that. It was very challenging to stop myself from slamming my head into a wall whenever another "coincidence" occured and someone stopped to ponder how we are all connected.

It's so contrived, it's painful. I've never seen another movie go to such lengths to spoon feed a message to it's audience. It doesn't leave anything to the imagination or allow the audience to make any of it's own judgements about the characters. Instead it tells you exactly how you should feel. We are all racist. We are all complex. We are all connected...No shit sherlock?

And the acting. Oh don't even get me started. Brendan Fraser? Brendan Fraser??? You have got to be kidding me. Every single character mopes through the movie with dumbfounded looks on their faces displaying only two emotions, fear and anger. Both of which feel so fake because of how contrived the storyline is. Even a great actor like Don Cheadle can't make me believe in this story.

Only two actors made me believe that their characters possess any true human emotions. Michael Pena as Daniel the Locksmith and Ashlyn Sanchez as his daughter stole the show because their characters are allowed to show an emotion other than fear or anger. In fact they displayed fear, anger, pain, surprise, happiness and love all within one single scene that is riveting because of this wide range of emotions. No other scene in the movie, despite desperately trying, can even come close to how well this scene is acted.

The only thing that I took from Crash is the message that nobody should ever move to Los Angeles. It apparently is the most racist, corrupt and awful place in the world to live. In this respect and only in this respect, Crash hits it's mark.



Posted by Brandon |

I am very suprised that my Aristocrats joke didn't elicit any response at all, I thought someone would say something. What? Not dirty enough for you? Or have I attracted a crowd of goodie goodies who quickly clicked off of the page when they saw the words "talent agent"?

Whatever the case may be, I have decided to combat the rampant dirtiness of that post with a link to the cutest webpage ever! So if you are in need of something clean after reading about incest and midgets and he-she's then head on over to Cute Overload and get your happy on!

Posted by Brandon |

Go Seahawks!!!

Update: Oh well. Losing is what being a Seattle sports fan is all about.



Posted by Brandon |

I came to realize a couple of years ago that I have perhaps the ugliest thumbs on earth. I don't think you are supposed to carry a large amount of fat in your thumbs and I'm pretty sure that people don't, but in a cruel twist of fate, I do! Hence these nasty looking digits. These pictures don't even do their ugliness justice. You can't really see all of the wrinkles and folds that appear if you were to see them in person.

At first I was embarrassed by my deformity. But now I use them to torture Death? when I need to. Nothing works better than wagging those ugly things in her face if I want to get my way or gross her out. But what else can I do with my ugly thumbs besides freak out the wife and pick shit up?

Of course...turn them into a web comic! So keep your eyes peeled for The Adventures of Rat and Dog Thumb coming soon to a DWP! near you.



Posted by Brandon |

I forgot to grab a new bar of Irish Spring this morning when I jumped in the shower so I had to use Death?'s Oly Girl soap from Archibald Sisters. Now I'm sitting here at work smelling damn good and all I want to do is fuck myself silly.


I Hate Resolutions

Posted by Brandon |

From three players on December 17th for Wednesday night pickup basketball to 22 tonight trying to play on one court in only two hours. New Year's resolutions can kiss my ass.

Instead of dealing with this mess I left after the first game and went home and enjoyed myself some chicken chorizo tacos and the second half of Mary Poppins. I always have my Mormon league tomorrow night to take care of my basketball jones.

P.S...Please check out my new renter Kitchen Fun. There are some tasty sounding recipes just waiting for you to get off your bum and cook 'em up.

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