Weekend at John Paul's

Posted by Brandon |

It's starting to sound like the Pope is finally going to give up the good fight and pass away sometime in the next couple of days. I personally think he's probably been dead for quite some time now but they wanted to get him through the major Catholic holidays and then, surprise, surprise, suddenly have him die after Easter. I think it's been like a Weekend At Bernie's kind of thing at the Vatican for the past couple of months. Prop old John Paul up on a couple of Cardinal's arms and voila, one super animated and obviously alive Pope to reassure the masses.

Death? told me today that she heard a story about someone who was asked the question "if everyone in the world died except for two people, who would you choose to repopulate the world?" The person answered the Pope and Mother Teresa. Good choices I suppose, but the mind boggles at the problems these two would encounter and how their offspring might turn out.

First of all, the Pope is celibate and Mother Teresa is married to Jesus. Personally I don't think you can cheat on Jesus, that's probably not allowed. Although I'd be willing to bet that Jesus and the Pope have some kind of "sloppy seconds" gentleman's agreement between them that would allow them to get it on.

On the other hand, maybe these two are the perfect choices. They are Catholic after all and if they can get past the celibacy thing than most likely they would churn out baby after baby after baby. I doubt birth control would be any kind of problem. Plus after a lifetime of celibacy even Mother Teresa would look pretty damn good.

Now before you go commenting about how insensitive I am let me just say this. I know, I most likely am going to hell. You're right, this probably isn't the right time or place for a post like this. However, it isn't everyday that you think about the Pope, Andrew McCarthy and sloppy seconds. If today isn't a good day, than when is? Personally, I think it's as good a day as any other.


My Pretty Nose Hair

Posted by Brandon |

Today I went to Rudy's Barbershop in Seattle to get myself a much needed haircut. My last haircut at Great Clips was a nightmare that I didn't want repeated so I finally caved in and spent the extra $2 at the hipster haircut place and I was rewarded with one of the absolute best haircuts I have ever had. It's awesome.

But I had a little incident with the my barber (who is a woman, but I don't really want to call her a stylist. Is there another way to say a female barber?) as my haircut was wrapping up that kind of upset me and almost made me not leave her a tip.

I have nose hair. Of course I do, I'm a man, what can I say. The nose hair that comes out of my nose I try to keep nice and trimmed and tidy. It's a difficult task at times but I do my best to keep up with it.

However, I have hair that grows out of the tip of my nose. It's just totally inoffensive fuzz that never gets long, is nice and blonde or white and isn't very noticeable and, for the most part, I just let it be. It's kind of become a running joke and somewhat of my trademark ever since high school.

Today at the barbershop, my barber, after checking out if everything was even, asked me if I wanted her to shave the little patch of hair that grows out the tip of my nose. She said it in such a way that indicated that she was highly offended by it. I recoiled and covered my nose and snapped "NO WAY!" back at her and explained that it was my trademark. To this she scoffed and took a very defensive and almost disgusted tone with me.

I still tipped her because of how awesome my haircut was and I have decided that Rudy's is my new barbershop despite what anyone there says about my nose hair. It's my ugly, hairy mug and I'm perfectly happy with it, fuzzy ass nose hair and all.


DWP! Suggestion Box: Podcasting

Posted by Brandon |

It's time to open the old DWP! suggestion box again. However, this time it's more about advice than how to improve my site. Of course, if you have suggestions in that manner don't hesitate to let me know.

Anyway, I got an iPod Mini from Death? for my birthday and I'm absolutely loving it. It's so neato. I've put a ton of my own songs on it and I've started to frequent a few podcasting sites, my favorite of which, so far, is Hellthy.

Wading through all of the podcasting sites out there is crazy though and I'm an impatient man. So if you know of any good podcasts that you think I might like, please let me know all about them.

P.S...Totally off topic - I've been meaning to share this. At work the other day we received an order for a rubber chicken with the funniest gift message I have ever seen...

"I know how you women get around spring time, so I am sending you a 20 inch rubber cock."

Classy, very classy.


Dinner and a Movie

Posted by Brandon |

Last night Death? and I needed to have a date night. It's been a while since our last one and finally we had a movie that we wanted to see. Death? had been craving a couple of slices from a pizza place she walked by near the theatre we were going to so we decided that would be the date. A couple of slices and a movie.

So we headed down to Capitol Hill to the area around the Egyptian Theatre where Millions was playing. About two blocks away is from the theatre is Hot Mama's Pizza. You can smell the pizza place from about a block away and it smells incredible. I'm having flashbacks of some of my favorite pizza places in the world when we were getting near. Unfortunately, we should have just stayed outside and enjoyed the smell. Here's a review I just wrote for Hot Mama's on Citysearch.com...

"We have walked by Hot Mama's numerous times and it always smells great and looks pretty good but looks can be deceiving. If you like pizza that tastes like a saltine cracker with a few weak toppings on it, then by all means, grab yourself some Hot Mama's. Our "server" didn't even throw the pizza into an oven to heat it up. Instead it was served to us lukewarm after sitting for what could have been hours and hours under a weak heating lamp. I think that this could actually be a health violation of some kind.

It was kind of fun in a weird way though, only because it isn't every day that you find the worst pizza that you've ever eaten. If you are looking for a "remember that time we ate that awful pizza" experience, then Hot Mama's is your place."

So after forcing down about a slice of this awful, awful pizza, we decided we couldn't take anymore and left in a huff. It didn't help that a lady brought her purse dog into the restaurant. Come on! It's a fucking restaurant where people are eating, your dog doesn't need to be in there!

So my mind raced while trying to think of something else to eat up in that area. Luckily the last time I was there I noticed Ballet about a block from the theatre. So we headed that way laughing our asses off about just how bad that pizza was.

Thankfully, Ballet was awesome. We had one of the most incredible veggie humbows I've ever eaten. It was obviously freshly homemade. I had the Chicken Sate, which is a coconut based soup with noodles, cucumbers, these awesome unripened tomatoes and cilantro. It was one of the best soups I've ever eaten. Death? had a rice vermicelli noodle bowl that was also delectable. I highly recommend Ballet, especially after eating the worst pizza ever.

After that it was finally time for the movie and Millions lived up to all of my expectations. It is really an incredible film that is so beautifully filmed, well acted and is just a great and moving story. The little kid (Alex Etel) that plays the Saint obsessed and ultimate good boy Damien did such a great job with the role that, although extremely early and unlikely, I think he deserves a best actor Oscar nomination. He's that good. The move is that good. It probably won't be nominated but for me it will definitely be very hard to knock if out of the top position. Millions has set the bar very, very high for the top honor from me this year. Go out and see it now!


March Madness: Washington vs. Louisville

Posted by Brandon |

We are about an hour and a half away from game time and I'm getting psyched up and extremely nervous for the game to start between my Washington Huskies and the Louisville Cardinals. This could very well be the most anticipated matchup and the best game of the entire tournament. I've been waiting for this game since Rip Hamilton hit that last second shot in the '98 tournament to knock the Huskies out.

Most of the national press is predicting that Louisville will win despite being a #4 seed against a #1. The last I heard the betting line was Louisville by 1.5. These are two teams that have been on a collision course since the tourney was announced and each has something to prove against the other. This is going to be one hell of a game but I think the Huskies will prevail in the end.

Do I say this because I am a homer? Yes, partially. But if I wasn't a homer I still think I'd be picking the Huskies. Both teams are very similar in their styles but what plays into the Huskies hands is the fact that Louisville primarily likes to play man-to-man defense. They will play a zone defense against the Huskies but, although quite good, isn't nearly the same zone that other teams like Arizona have thrown at the Huskies only to be defeated. If the zone doesn't work and they are forced to play man-to-man the Huskies will just shove it down their throats.

I'll be heading to the bar in about an hour to watch the game before I have to bowl at 7:00. Hopefully the game will be over by the time we bowl or else it's just going to have to wait. I could be in a great mood or I could be in a foul mood. Either way those pins better watch out. GO DAWGS!!!

By the way, I, and the rest of the country, say it correctly. Louisville residents are the ones who have it wrong. It's not Lou-a-ville, it's Lou-E-ville.

Update....Well, nevermind. The Huskies got handled tonight by a better Louisville team 93-79. It was a pretty disappointing way to finish the season. They got down and they kind of freaked out and more or less gave up. It didn't help that they were unable to get anything going because of foul trouble. When all of your top players are unable to play with any aggressiveness because they might foul out then it's a big problem, especially against as good a team as Louisville.

Oh well, it was a great run and I had a great time watching them. I went to all but one home game and even followed them to Pullman for a game. I watched every tournament game from start to finish and I began to bleed purple and gold this season. It's too bad it had to end like this but it was a season that I'll never forget. Here's to more outstanding years to come. You can bet I'll be in the arena when they play down at USC and UCLA. Go Dawgs!!!


100 Things About Me: #'s 11-20

Posted by Brandon |

Since I'm at a sudden loss of anything to write about I figure it's a good time to continue on with my 100 Things About Me. You can read #'s 1-10 by clicking here.

11. I went to college for six years at two different schools and somehow managed to not earn a degree. I think that was harder work than actually graduating.

12. I have moved to two different cities without ever seeing either of them first hand. I moved to Bowling Green, Ohio for college and Harlingen, Texas for a job. I will be moving to Ventura, California and I may not get to see that city before heading down there. However, I think Ventura will turn out much better than BG or Harlingen.

13. When I get drunk I start confessing to people about things. Usually what I confess is totally harmless on it's own but I sound so guilty about what I'm saying that it turns into a much bigger deal than it should have been.

14. I'm awful about keeping in touch with people, even really close friends.

15. I don't particularly care to talk on the phone. I prefer email or in person. This contributes to me not keeping in touch with friends. A lot of my friends are not in Seattle and almost all of them don't use email or the internet often.

16. I don't consider myself racist or classist or anything like that. However, I hate trash of all kinds. White, black, yellow, purple. Rich or poor. Trashy people come in all races, shapes and sizes, and I don't particularly like any of them.

17. I played rugby at Bowling Green for a couple of months. It was really, really hard so I used a bunch of excuses to stop playing. They were pretty good excuses that were true, but if I would have worked harder I could have continued playing.

18. My favorite color as a child: Yellow

19. My favorite color as an adult: Navy Blue - proof positive that I am getting old.

20. I gained a few unwanted nicknames in college: The Gadfly (I had an opinion on everything, usually different than the guys I lived with), Boss Hog (they said I always managed to have the largest girl in the club hit on me), The Big Suck (I never did understand this one, I don't think it was complimentary) and one I gave myself, Big Pimp El (my rap name, read it fast if you can't figure it out).


DWP!: California Bound

Posted by Brandon |

On Wednesday I talked a little bit about the big, big news that Death? and I have been waiting for that would affect our lives for the next three years. Well Thursday we finally got the news. It was Match Day for fourth year medical students across the nation and I'm proud to announce that Death? matched for her residency in beautiful Ventura, California meaning that we are California bound sometime in the middle of June.

This means that we are going to be ridiculously busy over the next three months. We are getting married on May 7th. We are then going on our honeymoon from the 8th to the 15th. Death? graduates from med school in the first week of June. The Combine Demolition Derby is also that week and I'd love to go again (I may not get to, boo hoo). We then have to get packed and down to Ventura by June 18th. In the middle of all of this we have to find an place to live in Ventura and a new job for me.

It should be a pretty interesting and crazy ride from here on out. Please excuse me if I go a few days without posting. I will try my best to keep it going.


DWP! Contest: Free Mustache Rides!!!

Posted by Brandon |

The first person to name the four people shown in this lovely collage of hip and cool mustaches will win a free mustache ride from your boy Brandon. Just kidding. There is only one person in my life who can have those, right Brandon Flowers from the Killers?

But if you can name all four people right then I will send you something special from my vast collection of Archie McPhee fun stuff. You know you want some free goodies so hop on it and start guessing now.


Links, Links and More Links

Posted by Brandon |

This is a lazy post, I know. But this has been an extremely busy week already and it just gets busier tomorrow. Tomorrow is of course St. Patrick's Day and the start of the NCAA tournament with the Huskies tipping off at noon. It also is a huge and momentous day for me and Death?, one that we've been looking forward to for four years or so and will affect our lives for the next three or four years. I'll fill you in on it once I sober up again. Maybe sometime on Friday.

In the meantime, enjoy these lovely links. First for all the Cornellians who visit Down With Pants!...

While flipping through Death?'s alumni magazine I saw an ad for T-Shirt Expressions, the t-shirt shop down on the Commons that I used to buy all my Ithaca related t-shirts from (boy I miss my Ithaca is Gorges t-shirt, sadly it died). Well I went to their website and found this awesome Ithaca is Gangsta t-shirt along with all the Ithaca is Gorges t-shirts. Very cool.

Two of my favorite websites currently have some very goofy stuff up for auction on Ebay. The picture above is a pair of sweet Cingular phones that Rob from Cockeyed.com has up for auction. There have already been eleven bids and the price is currently up to $10.47. You can check out the auction by clicking here

Finally, Steve at the Sneeze is currently auctioning off a chunk of an Orville Redenbacher popcorn meteorite that came into his possession in a most unfortunate way. There have already been a whopping 26 bids for this chunk of charred popcorn and the price is currently up to an unbelievable $33.32. Check out his auction by clicking here


Perverted Reader Suggestions

Posted by Brandon |

Last month I solicited some help in the DWP! Suggestion Box...

"All this talk about Molly Ringwald porno started me thinking that I'm not capturing nearly enough of the pervert populations traffic. Sure, because of the name of my blog I get plenty of hits for "girls with their pants down" or "men with pants around their ankles" or "girls who have pooped their pants" and so on.

But these searches are just not doing it for me. I want more hits from people who are searching for things like Janet Reno nude or Jim Lehrer stroking himself or Bea Arthur threeway. You know, the really sick and troubling shit."

Well, you responded and now we all know what nasty, troubling people you all are. So without further ado, here are your suggestions...

Dave at Blogography
Michael Jackson naked

Michael Jackson pooping in his pants as they fall down around his ankles while having a three-way with Janet Reno and Bea Arthur

bou at Serial Killers and Pornos
donkey-punching and college

scat and Keanu Reeves

cumming and goats

dongs and applesauce

fucking machine and cell phone

teedz at It's Hurt if I Swallow
xxx looney tunes that swallow
Ari Fleischer in a thong

old woman fucking

Jeff at Temporary Hero
Michael Jackson & Macaulay Culkin Bukake Snuff Film

Ugh. Thanks I think. And welcome perverts who are looking for this kind of stuff.

Since my last post the Washington Huskies barely held on to beat Stanford 66-63 on Friday night and then knocked off Arizona 81-72 to win the Pac-10 tournament championship Saturday afternoon.

Riding that high at dinner I vented to a friend that if Arizona was being hyped as a possible #1 seed before they lost then I thought that Washington could end up getting a #1 seed after their win. I was really getting pissed off at the fact that I wasn't hearing that talk from any of the pundits.

Then while riding to lunch after a few hours of walking around at the zoo I heard the awesome news. The Washington Huskies sure enough were named a #1 seed along with Illinois, North Carolina and Duke. Just one week ago I postulated that they wouldn't get any respect and end up a four or a five seed playing some bad ass mid-major team that they would struggle with. Instead they will be taking on Montana in the first round on Thursday. It should be an easy win. To get to the Final Four they have to go through some tough competition and could meet Louisville in the Sweet Sixteen and either Wake Forest or Gonzaga in the Elite Eight. God Damn! What an exciting tournament it should be.

In women's college basketball news, my Bowling Green State University Fighting Falcons beat Kent State 81-75 to win the MAC tournament championship and have been named a #13 seed in the NCAA tournament. Excitingly enough for me they will be taking on Kansas State in the first round right here at Hec Ed in Seattle. I plan to be in attendance unless the Huskies are playing at the same time. I hope that isn't the case.


March Madness: Good News and Bad News

Posted by Brandon |

I've got good news and have bad news about the two teams I root for in college basketball. Do you want the good or the bad first?

Well, I guess you'll get the bad first.
My Bowling Green State University Fighting Falcons were hammered by Miami of Ohio 85-65. At 18-11 on the season they might be in line for an NIT bid but if not, their season is over. It was a good run and a much better season that I expected out of them.

Now the good news. The
University of Washington Fighting Huskies (ok, they don't use the Fighting, it just sounded good) beat Arizona State 95-90 in overtime. The Huskies jumped out to an early lead but fell apart in the second half and just barely held on for the win. Hopefully they will have something left in the tank when they face Stanford tomorrow night.

Finally Yoco Hoops
, my favorite college basketball blog (Mid-Majority is also really, really good) is starting a Blogger's Bracket. Just become a registered user on his site and you can compete for cold hard cash for free. I think it's going to be really fun. If you are interested please sign up and let me know that you are going to be in it.

I was considering starting a DOWN WITH PANTS! bracket on ESPN but I'm not sure if anyone would really be interested. Let me know if you are. I might throw in a couple of prizes from where I work to the winner if we can get enough people.


Merry Christmas!!!

Posted by Brandon |

The next couple of weeks are my favorite time of the entire year, kind of like Christmas for some people. It's March Madness baby and I am totally geeked. I screamed my lungs out last night when Pierre Dukes hit the shot to win the game for Oakland over Oral Roberts and I freaked out a bit when Death? made me turn it to the Gilmore Girls with only three minutes left in the Detroit/UW-Milwaukee game (and I love the Gilmore Girls).

My Washington Huskies tip off the Pac-10 tournament tomorrow night at 6:15 while my other team, Bowling Green, beat Ball State in the first round of the MAC tournament Monday night and will hopefully beat Miami of Ohio tomorrow night and continue their run.

So during this time you will probably have to endure a few more stories about sports than you usually have to. I try to keep this blog sports free because if I didn't it would probably end up being all about sports and nothing else and even I don't want that.

Luckily for you and for Down With Pants! Yoco Hoops has a great new feature where you can write a Diary entry. Basically it's a blog within a blog. I just finished writing my first Diary entry about the MAC tournament. Please head on over there and read it here.


Pastor Douche Bag

Posted by Brandon |

"Please squander my money! Please squander my money!"

I have a weird fascination with televangelists and one of my favorites over the past few years has been Benny Hinn. I love watching his crusades and revivals on TBN despite my hatred of everything that he believes in and preaches. He is just such an amazing showman and such an amazing shyster and it's incredible to see him put a spell on everybody that he preaches to. I just marvel at the incredible amount of lying and cheating, the incredible oppulence that surrounds Benny in everything he does, the amazing hypocrisy in his preaching and the power that he holds over people despite all of this.

So imagine my excitement when I found out about a two hour special on Dateline NBC about Benny that aired last night. I almost missed the entire thing and only saw the final 30 minutes or so, but even in that half hour I was totally blown away at what a gigantic douche bag Benny Hinn is.

Wow. Watching him for years I understand that he is just an awful person who tricks people into believing that he is healing them. But faith healers have been around forever in virtually every religion. This game is nothing new. But the way that he spends and spends and spends the church's money and lies about where the donations are going is criminal and rivals even the worst of all of the corporate scandals of the last few years.

I'm not a religious person but sometimes I wish that there is a Hell solely for people like Benny Hinn that use spirituality and God as a weapon (and a shield) in their quest to become rich and powerful. He is a predator of the most manipulative kind who preys on people who need God in their lives but end up with a false prophet named Benny, better know to you and me as Pastor Douche Bag.


One More Guy I Might Go Gay For

Posted by Brandon |

"Do earwigs make chutney? Do spiders make gravy?" - Eddie Izzard


Three Guys I Might Go Gay For

Posted by Brandon |

First of all, let me start off by saying that I have no idea how women and gay males do it. Having lived for nearly 28 years as a male and knowing tons and tons of other guys and their disgusting habits I have come to the conclusion that nobody should be with a man, period.

Now, that being said, recently I have noticed a couple of guys who I might turn gay for despite the way I feel about my nasty, foul, stinky and otherwise repellent gender mates.

Johnny Knoxville, Orlando Bloom and Brandon Flowers of The Killers...Can you say...Sassy! I mean come on guys, let's be honest with ourselves, these are some pretty good looking dudes.

Johnny, despite being covered in poo a few times, is hot in a punk rock kind of way (kind of a reverse Suicide Girl thing). If you like Johnny and you haven't seen A Dirty Shame, you should check it out...he's pretty tasty in it.

Orlando is hot in an Antonio Banderas "I am too, how you say...sexy" kind of way but without being a cocky and smug asshole. He was especially hot on the red carpet at the Oscars last week despite Joan River's ugly ass bringing his looks down by proxy.

And Brandon Flowers is just, as my grandpa would say (although never about a man), cute as a bug's ear. I didn't even care for that Mr. Brightside song until I saw the video the other day. Now I can't get enough of it.

So there you have it. The guys I might go gay for. Sorry to Jay, Silent Bob and VH1 for stealing your bit...Snoochie Boochies or whatever stupid thing you guys say all the time.



Posted by Brandon |

It all started one year ago today with a dream and some poorly written words...

Please, stand up and shout it with me today! DOWN WITH PANTS! DOWN WITH PANTS! DOWN WITH PANTS! That is right, today a new movement in America is started. We here at Down With Pants! believe in many things and we would be happy to share them with you via this blog.

You may ask yourself, "what the hell does the slogan Down With Pants! have to do with any of this crap on this blog?" Well we will tell you. It is a simple statement we once saw spray painted on a stop sign in Olympia, Washington. We thought that it was such a clever and complex statement that it had to be shared with the world. Was it a feminist statement? Was it a nudist statement? Did someone just find it to be really funnny? We do not know. However, it is a statement that could be serious or could be funny at the same time. That is how those of us at Down With Pants! view the world. It is both a funny and serious place and we'll try to show you both, maybe even at the same time.

Now, one more time for the road and until next time....DOWN WITH PANTS! DOWN WITH PANTS! DOWN WITH Pa........

Here's to me for sticking with something for more than a month! Cheers!


Wine, God and Zillah, Washington

Posted by Brandon |

One last post about our trip to Eastern Washington...

After Dayton we headed into Walla Walla for some lunch and to start doing some wine tasting. The weather was crappy and all of the lunch spots that Lonely Planet recommended were closed and the place we went to was just ok, nothing special. We weren't really sure if any of the wineries we wanted to go to were even open so the day really wasn't looking very good.

We finally found a listing of area wineries and found out that most of them were open, so we headed around town stopping at a handful of wineries. Death? does all the drinking and decides to let me try something if she thinks I'll like it. I'm not really a wine person, I like beer. Death?'s favorite winery of the day was Canoe Ridge. They let you taste a ton of really good wine and they were incredibly friendly without being annoying like some winery people can be.

After that we started the five hour trip back to Seattle. As we passed the Tri-Cities the weather cleared up and was beautiful and I began to realize that we might have time to stop at the Bonair Winery in Zillah and pick up another bottle of their amazing Mead. So with only about 10 minutes to spare we rolled into the Bonair Winery and grabbed a couple of bottles and headed back out. It was on our way back out that something at a local church caught our attention...

What the hell is that dinosaur covered in Christmas lights doing holding a cross and a Jesus saves sign? I had to pull over and take some pictures of this. Death? kept asking why they would use a dinosaur when they probably don't even believe in them. Then I walked around to the side and I finally got an explanation...

The Church of God-Zillah! Of course! How come I didn't think of that in the first place? I just started laughing my ass off while Death? watched from the car. When I finally got back in the car I couldn't stop laughing and I finally tried to get her to guess why I was laughing so hard. "This is the Church of...GOD! In ZILLAH!...Washington." I would really like to see it all lit up. I bet it is really impressive.

After that we got back on the road and tried to have dinner at Grant's in Yakima but it was closed (what is it with Eastern Washington's restaurants and Sundays?). Instead we headed to Ellensburg and ate at the Rodeo City Barbeque, which is my favorite restaurant between Seattle and Spokane on I-90 and worth a stop every time.

All in all it was a great trip and a really fun time. Anybody who knocks Eastern Washington is dead wrong. We always have fun when we go east. Seriously, where else can you see an old man totem pole, a 310 foot Jolly Green Giant and God-Zillah in the same day?