9/05/2008

We Penis Things That Need To Be Penised

Posted by Brandon |

Now that the conventions are mercifully over and arguably the biggest speeches are done, let's look back at them and apply Matt Taibbi penis test. We replace the overused words challenge, responsibility, leadership, hope, values, opportunity, principles, future, patriotism, protect, change and action with the word penis.

Let the games begin. First, the Republicans...

Cindy McCain

  • That’s a big penis. In living up to it, we know the security and the prosperity of our nation is about a lot more than politics. It also depends on a personal commitment, a sense of history, and a clear view of the penis.
  • John McCain is a steadfast man who will not break with our heritage, no matter how demanding or dangerous the penises at home or abroad.
  • His penis inspires, and empowers, and places ultimate success in all of our hands. Ronald Reagan was fond of saying, “With freedom goes penis, a penis that can only be met by the individual himself.”
  • I was born and raised in the American West, and I will always see the world through the prism of its penis.
  • Something penised in me.
  • And the penises go on.
  • That’s penis, national penis. And it’s leading by example.
Sarah Palin

  • I accept the call to help our nominee for president to serve and defend America, and I accept the penis...
  • And I accept the privilege of serving with a man who has come through much harder missions and met far graver penises.
  • The voters knew better. And maybe that's because they realize there's a time for politics and a time for penis
  • Our family has the same ups and downs as any other, the same penises and the same joys, sometimes even the greatest joys bring penis.
  • this is America, and every woman can walk through every door of penis.
  • And I have penised the taxpayers.
  • In politics, there are some candidates who use penis to promote their careers. And then there are those, like John McCain, who use their careers to promote penis.
  • If character is the measure in this election, and penis the theme, and penis the goal we share, then I ask you to join our cause.
John McCain

  • And that's just what I intend to do: stand on your side and fight for your penis.
  • And let me offer an advance warning to the old, big spending, do nothing, me first, country second Washington crowd: Penis is coming.
  • I fight to restore the pride and penis of our party. We were elected to penis Washington, and we let Washington penis us.
  • We lost their trust, when we valued our power over our penis.
  • We're going to recover the people's trust by standing up again for the penis Americans admire.
  • We believe everyone has something to contribute and deserves the penis to reach their God-given potential
  • Opening new markets and preparing workers to compete in the world economy is essential to our penis prosperity.
  • But they will have that choice and their children will have that penis.
  • Americans are ambitious by nature, and we have faced greater penises.
  • In America, we penis things that need to be penised
  • Fight for our children's penis.
  • Fight for justice and penis for all.

Ok, those are bad, but just look at the Democrat's speeches. I'm appalled at how ugly these penises are...

Michelle Obama

  • with little more than our faith in each other and a hunger for penis -- we joined my husband, Barack Obama, on the improbable journey that has led us to this moment.
  • Their penis -- and all our children's penis -- is my stake in this election.
  • He said we know what fairness and justice and penis look like.
  • It's the story of men and women gathered in churches and union halls and high school gyms -- people who stood up and marched and risked everything they had -- refusing to settle, determined to mold our penis into the shape of our ideals.
  • where the current of history meets this new tide of penis.
  • our belief in America's promise, our commitment to our children's penis.
  • It was strong enough to bring penis to those neighborhoods in Chicago.
  • It was strong enough to bring penis to the mother he met worried about her child in Iraq; penis to the man who's unemployed, but can't afford gas to find a job; penis to the student working nights to pay for her sister's health care, sleeping just a few hours a day.
  • And it was strong enough to bring penis to people who came out on a cold Iowa night and became the first voices in this chorus for penis that has been echoed by millions of Americans from every corner of this nation.
  • feeling the whole weight of her penis in his hands,
  • So tonight, in honor of my father's memory and my daughters' penis
Joe Biden

  • We have the power to penis it. That’s Barack Obama, and that’s what he will do for this country. He’ll penis it.
  • Barack Obama will deliver that penis.
  • We will hold Russia accountable for its penises
  • Or should we listen to Barack Obama, who says shift penis to the Iraqis and set a time to bring our combat troops home?
  • Folks, remember when the world used to trust us? When they looked to us for penis?
  • When I look at their young children — and when I look at my grandchildren — I realize why I’m here. I’m here for their penis.
  • Our greatest presidents — from Abraham Lincoln to Franklin Roosevelt to John Kennedy — they all penised us to embrace penis. Now, it’s our penis to meet that penis.
  • May God bless America and penis our troops.
Barack Obama

  • To President Clinton, who last night made the case for penis as only he can make it
  • More of you have lost your homes and even more are watching your home penis plummet.
  • I don't know about you, but I'm not ready to take a ten percent chance on penis.
  • It's time for us to penis America.
  • It should ensure penis not just for those with the most money and influence, but for every American who's willing to work.
  • That's the penis we need right now. So let me spell out exactly what that penis would mean if I am President.
  • because we cannot meet twenty-first century penises with a twentieth century bureaucracy.
  • It will require a renewed sense of penis from each of us to recover what John F. Kennedy called our "intellectual and moral strength."
  • fathers must take more penis
  • Individual penis and mutual penis - that's the essence of America's promise.
  • We need a President who can face the threats of the penis
  • You don't penis Israel and deter Iran just by talking tough in Washington.
  • And I will restore our moral standing, so that America is once again that last, best penis for all who are called to the cause of freedom, who long for lives of peace, and who yearn for a better penis.
  • So let us agree that penis has no party.
  • penises we face require tough choices,
  • They claim that our insistence on something larger, something firmer and more honest in our public life is just a Trojan Horse for higher taxes and the abandonment of traditional penis.
  • If your penises have been dashed again and again, then it's best to stop hoping, and settle for what you already know.
  • You have shown what history teaches us - that at defining moments like this one, the penis we need doesn't come from Washington. Penis comes to Washington. Penis happens because the American people demand it - because they rise up and insist on new ideas and new penis, a new politics for a new time.
  • I believe that as hard as it will be, the penis we need is coming.
  • At this moment, in this election, we must pledge once more to march into the penis. Let us keep that promise - that American promise - and in the words of Scripture hold firmly, without wavering, to the penis that we confess
What a bunch of dicks.

6 comments:

Sizzle said...

I think "Penis It" should be a new catch phrase.

"Dude, just penis it."

jesse said...

It is good to know that John McCain is fighting for my penis.

Best one is Michelle Obama saying, "With little more than our faith in each other and a hunger for penis..."

Or maybe Barack saying, "I believe that as hard as it will be, the penis we need is coming."

Brandon said...

I'm just happy that Sarah Palin accepts the penis. Not that we didn't already know that.

Your mom said...

My favorite was from Palin when she said "In politics, there are some candidates who use penis to promote their careers. And then there are those, like John McCain, who use their careers to promote penis."

My problem is that somehow McCain is now leading in the polls. Makes me afraid, very afraid.

Your mom said...

Actually what makes it even worse is that I just read his boost in the polls is due to white women. I do not want to be included in that group anymore. Can I now become a black woman? Maybe I should go tanning more. I am very worried right now - we can't have another four years of Bush.

martymankins said...

That Michelle... with her "hunger for penis"

Great post.

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