Posted by Brandon |

I am RW's fantasy football bitch.

I'm in kind of a bad place right now...stupid self-esteem. And it isn't anything major or a big deal at all, I'll snap out of it by the time I'm asleep, but I fell into an old pattern tonight of getting down on myself which in turn makes me pissed off at myself so I get down on myself more and...well..it's this horrible spiral of self-pity that I wish wasn't a part of my personality.

Tonight, soccer was the reason. I look forward to it all week long but then when it's game time, doubt about whether I belong out there washes over me and I kind of fade away into the background. I played sparingly - 20 minutes at best, barely the workout I need it to be - for two reasons. One: in the first half, I twisted my ankle only a minute into my second shift and came off and never got the opportunity to sub back in during the half. Two: My ankle felt fine after the half and I went in on a shift and I made a handful of mistakes that left me totally feeling stupid and like I had no idea what I was doing (which I don't) and I just never went back into the game. Nobody on the team cared about the mistakes and other people made even worse mistakes, I just pussed out.

Welcome to the reason that I've never been particularly successful in anything that I've ever done. I'm prone to pussing out. Sports, college, my baseball management career, blogging. When the going gets tough or I'm not good at something right away, I've never been one to buckle down and kick it up a notch. Nope, I just puss out and take the easy road. That's what I did tonight. Fucking act like a little bitch because I was sucking ass instead of getting back out there and learning. Fucking baby.

I've gotten better about it over the years and I don't get down on myself nearly as often as I used to, but it does show it's ugly head from time to time and tonight was one of those nights. I just need to suck it up, quit bitching and get out there next week and work my ass off and try to have fun. Because that's why I'm out there, right? Fun? Not for getting down on myself for something as miniscule as beginners division soccer.


kapgar said...

You have no idea what RW does to "his bitches," do you? You're in truh-bulllll. ;-)

Anonymous said...

I used to be just like that. You have no idea how many wonderful things I left in the dust because I wasn't the type of person to try harder when I failed.

For some reason, I've totally lost that and now kick ass and try even when uh, I probably shouldn't be.

I hope you find your balance. :)

Justin Scott said...

I'm one of the few gay guys that can't syncroniously dance with others... the cha cha slide murders me.

So, what am I doing to battle that little problem? Taking cardio classes that require we follow dance steps and stuff. I'm getting better but nothing helps my confidence like doing it with a similarly challenged gay boy who has become my workout buddy :)

catherine said...

Dude, I know days or evenings or instances or eras or whatever of this SO well. So good they don't last and we come back to ourselves. One good thing about being an adult is that you know more or less right away how to identify this and put it into perspective on your own terms.