DOWN WITH PANTS!

I'm a sucker for a meme in which I can brag about my great taste in music. You know, where I post a bunch of song lyrics to songs that nobody has ever heard before. Yeah, that's the kind of hipster doofus that I am. Too bad most of this music isn't really that hipster-y...just vastly superior to what most people listen to these days. Geez, I must be back in Seattle with talk like that.

Anyway, this meme was stolen from Kapgar who stole it from a bunch of other people. Here are the rules...

1. Put your mp3 player or music player on your computer on random.
2. Post the first four lines from the first 20 songs that play, no matter how embarrassing the song (skip repeat artists).
3. Post and let everyone you know guess what song and artist the lines come from.
4. Don’t fucking cheat, you Google whores!

There are a couple of ones that I think are possible to get, but most of these are going to be really tough. So, one line underneath each group of lyrics, I've added the artist and song. All you have to do to see it is highlight that area if you are either stumped or sick of it all. Good luck. I'm not expecting much...

1. Everybody's here with me
(we) Got no camera to see
Don't think I'm not all in this world
The camera won't let me go

Gorillaz - Tomorrow Comes Today

2. The lack in the time, lost in the airport, all confusing
Bright of the lights, crazy designs
Answering machine checks for the hijacks, sees right thru me
No making jokes, security lines

Seaweed - Defender

3. Where are those happy days, they seem so hard to find
I tried to reach for you, but you have closed your mind
Whatever happened to our love?
I wish I understood

ABBA - S.O.S.

4. Outside there's a box car waiting
Outside the family stew
Out by the fire breathing
Outside we wait 'til face turns blue

Pixies - Here Comes Your Man (Guessed by Becky)

5. It's been a long time
Now I'm coming back home
I've been away now
Oh how I've been alone

The Beatles - Wait (Guessed by Jen)

6. I'm sitting on the curb
By the empty parking lot
Of the store where they let me play the organ
I'm waiting for my ride

They Might Be Giants - A Self Called Nowhere (guessed by Dan)

7. How did anybody find out where I was?
How did anybody find that out?
I was hiding from the world, I was a squirrel.
You chopped down my tree to get my fur.

Strokes - Fear of Sleep

8. As a young girl
Louis Vuitton
With your mother
On a sandy lawn

Vampire Weekend - Cape Cod Kwassa Kwassa (Guessed by Grant Ruby)

9. I'm coming out of my cage
And I’ve been doing just fine
Gotta gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all

The Killers - Mr. Brightside - (Guessed by Grant Ruby)

10. Shower in the dark day
Clean sparks driving down
Cool in the waterway
Where the baptized drown

Soundgarden - 4th of July - (Guessed by Grant Ruby)

11. In a little cabaret in a South Texas border town,
Sat a boy and his guitar, and the people came from all around.
And all the girls from there to Austin,
Were slippin' away from home and puttin' jewelery in hock.

Johnny Cash - Tennessee Flat-Top Box (Guessed by Death?)

12. We'd hit the bottom,
I thought it was my fault
And in a way I guess it was
I'm just now finding out

Ben Folds - Landed (Guessed by Anthony)

13. Time on your side that will never end
The most beautiful thing you can ever spend
But you work in a shirt with your name tag on it
Drifting apart like a plate tectonic

Lily Allen & Mark Ronson version (Kaiser Chiefs original) - Oh My God (Guessed by Shiny)

14. Oh, we're sinking like stones,
All that we fought for,
All those places we've gone,
All of us are done for.

Coldplay - Don't Panic (Guessed by martymankin's daughter)

15. Twenty-five the season off dope
Three sheets to the wind like a clothes line rope
He's a spider on the web
She's a tiny woman, he could sense

Rilo Kiley - 15 (Guessed by Hilly)

16. Just last night I woke from some unconscionable dream
And had it nailed to my forehead again
To keep this boat afloat
There are things you can't afford to know

The Shins - Fighting In a Sack

17. Josephs face was black as night
The pale yellow moon shone in his eyes
His path was marked
By the stars in the southern hemisphere

Paul Simon - Under African Skies (Guessed by Death?)

18. Oh, the gentlemen are talking and the midnight moon is on the riverside
They're drinking up and walking and it is time for me to slide
I live in another world where life and death are memorized
Where the earth is strung with lover's pearls and all I see are dark eyes.

Iron & Wine and Calexico version (Bob Dylan original) - Dark Eyes

19. Under the island... middle of a mountain
There is a big bad... boomin' system
Blowin' speakers... woofers and tweeters
Amplifiers... melted wires

Presidents of the United States - Volcano (Guessed by Becky)

20. Tell me how you get that shine
You must polish all the time
Though I know your job is thankless
They will thank you up in heaven

Soul Asylum - Sun Maid

You receive an ad like this in your ValPak coupons...



That's right, it's the Jitterbug from Samsung. Finally, a cell phone made just for me. Of course in my day, we called it a talky box or sometimes a wazzlemadiddle. Either way, when the president called you on the talky box, you knew that it was time to put on your parka and get ready to do the hoochie-coochie down at the old barn dance with them older girls.

And I was always a real good dancer, I could really cut a rug with the best of them. We called it cutting a rug because the old barn was really a carpet factory and when you were done dancing, you had to get to work. Back in those days, everybody had to pitch in to help our boys overseas. I didn't know it until I joined the service, but the carpet that we made on those nights was used to fight the Nazis. You never heard of rug bombing? It fell on unsuspecting Krauts and smothered them to death. And that's why, even today, the Germans will not wear a toupee.

Anywho, I'm pretty sick of my Helio wazzlemadiddle right now because of all those gosh darn fancy doo hickies that I don't use anyway and all of those scary, confusing buttons. Just give me a good old fashioned "Yes" or "No" and some gigantic numbers and I'm ready to give old Wilbur a ring so that we can head down to the lake to do some fishing.

We used to fish on the Norfolk River, we caught some catfish mainly, and occasionally a trout or two, but once I caught myself a Killer Whale. I cast out way into the middle of the river and the next thing I know, I'm being pulled right off of the bank and into the water. I fought him for at least three days, he pulled me miles upon miles up and down the river. But finally I got the best of him when I remembered that I brought my rifle. I started firing off shots into the water until suddenly the great beast burst out of the water, looked me right in the eye and said "Brandon, today you have shown that you are the greatest fisherman of all time and I bow to you. Reel me in and take me to town and show those blowhards down at the VFW who really is the king of this town." So that's what I did. I gave the whale a push and rode him all ten miles back to into town. When I came whooshing down main street, everybody just stared out the windows of the stores and offices, too amazed to even congratulate me on my victory. The sheriff showed up a little while later and gave me my prize, a week long stay at the finest resort in town. But I never did understand why the Norfolk Daily News headline the next morning read "Bourbon Brandon's Police Car Joyride Ends At Town Square". Probably written by some commie jew who wouldn't know a Killer Whale from a hole in the ground.

And that's why, tomorrow, I'm going to call and get my free brochure for the new Jitterbug from Samsung. Finally, a wazzlemadiddle made just for me.

On a last second whim, we were invited up to Orcas Island in the San Juans this weekend by some friends. We had a great, relaxing, island style kind of weekend up there and are looking forward to getting back some time in the future.

In lieu of a real post, please enjoy a bunch of pictures from our trip...

"So Down With Pants!, how is that cereal addiction of yours working out?" - Brandon S., Edmonds, Washington

Hey, thanks for asking Brandon, I appreciate your concern. I'm happy to report that my cereal intake has been much better since I first came clean about my shameful addiction a couple months ago. Things aren't perfect, I have good days and I have bad days, but since then I rarely take a second bowl in the morning and my late night bowl has almost completely vanished. I'm not totally sure if it's because of better willpower or because I've been buying less tasty brands of cereal, but either way, I'm no longer a junkie always on the lookout for his cereal fix.


"Hey man, love the site...which candidate will get the coveted Down With Pants! endorsement?" - Nodnarb S., Edmonds, Washington

Great question Nodnarb, and what a winner of a name you got there. To be honest with you, I'm not sure if Down With Pants! will be endorsing either of these candidates because neither really do anything to advance the Down With Pants! agenda. Do you really think that either of these guys would ever drop trough and just let their little senators blow in the breeze? No. But since you asked and I feel like I should take some kind of stance, I'll pick Obama, because at least he wouldn't have vein-y old man legs.


"Hey DWP! You can be on our soccer team, but just how much do you suck?" Craigslist Soccer Coach, Lynnwood, Washington

Hey Craigslist Soccer Coach, thanks for the question. Let's just put it this way, I'll bring a lot of heart and effort to the game and maybe the beers.


"Tomorrow is date night. Where are you going to eat and what are you doing?" - Concerned spouse, Edmonds, Washington

CS - Do I know you? You sound very familiar to me. Yes, tomorrow is date night in the DWP! house. We've got a babysitter and everything. So we're planning on seeing Dark Knight (reminder to Brandon - buy tickets tomorrow) and having dinner beforehand. The options are Korean food and stay in the north end or Italian at Machiavelli on Capitol Hill and the Pacific Place downtown. What do you think would work out best for Death? and I, concerned spouse?


Got any other questions for DWP!? Please feel free to email me at downwithpants@gmail.com and I'll answer any and all of them.

Two years ago today I wrote this letter to my downstairs neighbor and when I happened upon it tonight out of curiosity, it made me extremely thankful that we are away from her lunacy and in our very own house without anybody below, above or next to us. We loved our apartment, but there were times when it was unbearable there because of that nutjob. Eventually it was just funny and a little part of me already misses it...but not enough to want to see them ever, ever again.


Dear Downstairs Skank and Your Douchebag Boyfriend,

It's fucking hot, it's fucking humid and none of us have air conditioning. That means that every single person in this neighborhood has their doors and windows wide open hoping to get a little bit of a breeze. Since it isn't at all windy either, most of us are cranky, especially me.

The last thing we need to hear is a high decibel concert by some crappy country band and your white trash ass having a high decibel argument with your shirtless boyfriend on your patio. I don't care one bit about how all you need "is what I have here....nothing", or how asswipe and his friends "spend money like water" or "I LOVE YOU! NO, NO, I FUCKING LOVE YOOOOUUUU!!!!!" I also don't think that the little kids that run around our driveway need to hear the F-Word ten times per minute (I counted).

Either go inside and close all of your doors to have your psycho-babble, alcohol fueled bitchfest or shut the fuck up! It is too hot to have to hear your arguing, followed by a country karaoke duet, followed by more arguing, all the while smelling your smoke wafting through my open windows. You're lucky that I am exhausted from sweating my balls off all day, or else this letter would have been vocalized to your face. Your arguing nearly made me do it, I was so close to snapping.

Also, if you are going to have loud, disgusting makeup sex, for god's sake, close some windows. At least you had the courtesy to do that inside, although, it was so loud that you easily could have been outside on the patio again. Yuck!

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go curl up like a sweat soaked baby and try to sleep despite that gross, satanic moaning running through my head. Between that and this heat, I think I may have a long night ahead of me.


Have a great week, you ugly, ear-splitting whore,

Photo stolen from the Everett Herald, taken by Monroe Police
There are stupid criminals, and then there are STUPID criminals. There is drunk, and then there is DRUNK.

On July 8th, Allan Pierce, 27 (below) and Kyle Burress, 25 (above) got nice and hammered and decided to break into storage containers at the Monroe, Washington Fred Meyer. They were found the next morning by Monroe Police 200 feet away from the scene in an out-of-sight grassy area, Burress asleep on pink patio furniture pillows with a BBQ cover pulled over his body and Pierce on a collapsed hammock complete with the assembly instructions lying next to him on the ground.


Photo stolen from the Everett Herald, taken by Monroe Police
Both men were awakened and arrested after Monroe Police snapped a few photographs and they have been in the Snohomish County jail ever since.

From The Herald: "'We believe alcohol was involved,' Monroe police spokeswoman Debbie Willis said. 'I'd say a lot of alcohol was involved.'"

No way!

As much as I love this story and as much as the pictures crack me up, especially the one of Burress snoozing away on his pink cushions, I kind of feel bad for the guys. I think we've all been there at least once in our lives. Drunk, stumbling home from the bar when we pass by a Fred Meyer and all the slurring and yelling and "I love you mans" turn to "fuck it, I'm tired of walking...holy shit, I bet there is shit we can sleep on in there" and the next thing you know, you are cutting locks off containers and dragging it all off to a quiet spot in the woods.

I know I've almost been there - I've stolen plenty of things while drunk and a stop sign has felt my wrath at least once - and I know Karl has kind of been there. So instead of plastering these guy's photos everywhere and calling them stupid criminals and drunks and laughing our asses off at their almost retarded night of mischief, let's cut Allen and Kyle just a little bit of slack and look at what they didn't do...

At least they didn't drive home, right? No DUI's for these guys.

Good work Kyle and Allen! Little victories, boys. Little victories.

And can we please honor and celebrate the real heroes in this story? The Monroe Police Department really knows how to take a photograph!

I'm just trying to ease back into the Lebowski Friday stuff since it has been a very long time since my last one. So here's every single "Dude" from the movie. I'm surprised, to be honest, that it's this short...


Next week, I'll put a little more thought into Lebowski Friday and give you a little more substance. Keep achieving anyway!

"Sexpresso" is all the rage right now here in Seattle. Scantily clad girls that serve up some piping hot espresso are predictably decimating the PG competition in this, the most cutthroat coffee market in the entire country. And really, who could blame guys for wanting a little sugar with their coffee in the morning?


As you know, I recently moved to beautiful Edmonds, Washington. Our house downtown in what is called "The Bowl" is primarily flanked by condominiums containing an unbelievable amount of Seattle retirees. And not just recent empty nester retirees, either. We're talking about riding around on scooters and early bird special kind of retirees. Imagine Del Boca Vista from Seinfeld, and you kind of get the idea of what a typical afternoon in downtown Edmonds is like.

The Bowl is home to quite a few coffee shops per capita. There's the chains, Tully's and Starbucks, but there are also a handful of local places like Walnut Street Coffee and Red Twig. All of these coffee shops are filled to the brim with retirees during the day to the point that there needs to be more coffee shops in The Bowl.

Incidentally and totally off topic, Walnut Street Coffee is where I spent my first few days in town using their wifi and observing the retiree culture. The same group of people show up every single day and occupy the same exact table. They surround and devour anybody that might have made the mistake of sitting there unawares of what was to come. I've been wanting to sit at that table and let them overtake me just to see what happened, but I've been to chicken so far.

Back to my point. The facts are these: There are a lot of old women in Edmonds and the old women seem to love their espresso. Sexpresso, in it's current form, wouldn't work in The Bowl. However, if you were to open an espresso stand and staff it with a bunch of hot, charming, gay men wearing nothing but a Speedo or some hot pants, OH MY GOD, the old ladies would sign over their social security checks on a daily basis. You know your grandma would get a kick out of one of these guys making her one of those new fangled expressos she's been hearing so much about...


And not only would she get some eye candy but she'd have someone to talk to about antiques and shopping and whatever other cliche that I can't think of right now. The guys would just have to give the ladies a little bit of non-threatening attention and throw in some charm and we'd be golden.

It would also be a great place for some of the younger ladies in town to occasionally get coffee, it could also serve as a great jumping off point for bachelorette parties and it would probably bring a lot of the gay guys in town out of the woodwork (are there any in Edmonds? I have yet so see anything but straight white people in this town).

I'm actually somewhat serious about this. It's a match made in heaven, really, and I think that my new espresso stand in downtown Edmonds would be a smashing success. It's not a totally original idea, I'm sure somebody has already thought of it and will open a all male sexy espresso stand sooner or later. But it might as well be me, don't you think? One in Edmonds for the old ladies and maybe, if it's successful, one on Capitol Hill for the guys.

The only thing that scares me at all is what happens if one of the baristas (baristos?) calls in sick one day and I find out that all of the other guys are unable to work? I am left with the option of either shutting down for the day or strapping on the bikini bottom, some chaps, a bow tie and serving up some coffee myself. Remember Chris Farley and Patrick Swayze on SNL? Yikes! I'd be ruined.

And I haven't thought of a good name yet. Any suggestions? If I use your name when we open up in...probably never...you win a free drink made with love by one of our washboard abbed sweeties and a t-shirt!

I just tiptoed into Addie's bedroom to close her window for the night and I caught a glimpse of her, arms spread wide, sucking on a binky, slightly snoring, sleeping as sound as she can be. I'm sure some of my Flickr friends may be getting a little tired of the hundreds of pictures that I take of her, but I can't help it, she gets cuter and cuter every single day. For example...




I really don't know how I'm going to contain myself when she really starts talking and running and jumping and all of that good stuff. I'm totally smitten with her and she's barely five months old. Although based on her current energy level, I'm going to be mighty tuckered out when she starts moving around on her own. Yikes!

And how am I supposed to go to work when I get to spend all day with that? I like this stay at home daddy stuff more and more every day.

Death? just reminded me of something and it blew my mind...

Two years ago I wrote about how I am the kiss of death for minor league baseball teams. Of the five teams that I worked for, only one of them still remains in business (well, technically two others still exist, just not with the same owners or in the same league).

The week that we moved, the Brandon kiss of death jumped from baseball into other realms and claimed yet another victim - The Seattle Supersonics. I worked part-time for the Seattle Sonics and Storm for two years before moving to California, it was some good times I tell you what. But how was I to know that just a couple years later, my curse would help usher them out the door and on their way to Oklahoma City? This was an NBA team with a lot of history here in town. No way in hell could my bad juju rub off on them. Or so I thought.

Now, I live with the misery of another failed franchise that I have worked for and the knowledge that the kiss of death knows no bounds. It's not just baseball anymore.

Here is a list of businesses that should be very, very wary. Watch your books and your backs...

Olympia Area YMCA
The Pizza Place - Shit, they already went out of business, the curse is STRONG
Campus Pollyeyes
Myles Pizza
A Pimp Named Slickback
Brewery City Pizza
Ebbets Field Flannels
Pioneer Organics
Methamphetamines-R-Us
Archie McPhee
Seattle Storm
Mr. Lebowski
Everett Aquasox
Technicolor
The Archdiocese of Los Angeles
Lime Green
The Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf
The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen

Perhaps this is the wrong post to write during a bout of unemployment while actively searching for a job. Let's see, can anyone get to my blog using my last name...

I suppose that now that I have internet at my home and we are all nice and moved into our new Edmonds house, I should probably post something here on Down With Pants! Yeah, that would be nice wouldn't it?

Ok...here you go...

Poop.

That is all.

**Perhaps I'll get around to a real post tomorrow**