They Just Needed To Sleep It Off

Posted by Brandon |

Photo stolen from the Everett Herald, taken by Monroe Police

There are stupid criminals, and then there are STUPID criminals. There is drunk, and then there is DRUNK.

On July 8th, Allan Pierce, 27 (below) and Kyle Burress, 25 (above) got nice and hammered and decided to break into storage containers at the Monroe, Washington Fred Meyer. They were found the next morning by Monroe Police 200 feet away from the scene in an out-of-sight grassy area, Burress asleep on pink patio furniture pillows with a BBQ cover pulled over his body and Pierce on a collapsed hammock complete with the assembly instructions lying next to him on the ground.

Photo stolen from the Everett Herald, taken by Monroe Police

Both men were awakened and arrested after Monroe Police snapped a few photographs and they have been in the Snohomish County jail ever since.

From The Herald: "'We believe alcohol was involved,' Monroe police spokeswoman Debbie Willis said. 'I'd say a lot of alcohol was involved.'"

No way!

As much as I love this story and as much as the pictures crack me up, especially the one of Burress snoozing away on his pink cushions, I kind of feel bad for the guys. I think we've all been there at least once in our lives. Drunk, stumbling home from the bar when we pass by a Fred Meyer and all the slurring and yelling and "I love you mans" turn to "fuck it, I'm tired of walking...holy shit, I bet there is shit we can sleep on in there" and the next thing you know, you are cutting locks off containers and dragging it all off to a quiet spot in the woods.

I know I've almost been there - I've stolen plenty of things while drunk and a stop sign has felt my wrath at least once - and I know Karl has kind of been there. So instead of plastering these guy's photos everywhere and calling them stupid criminals and drunks and laughing our asses off at their almost retarded night of mischief, let's cut Allen and Kyle just a little bit of slack and look at what they didn't do...

At least they didn't drive home, right? No DUI's for these guys.

Good work Kyle and Allen! Little victories, boys. Little victories.

And can we please honor and celebrate the real heroes in this story? The Monroe Police Department really knows how to take a photograph!


Whit said...

So been there. Many times. I won't mention what I acquired in my college years, just know it was all useless.

Iron Fist said...

The Monroe Police know how to take a pretty good photograph. If they had thought ahead a little they would have done the old shaving cream in the hand/feather tickle the nose trick. These guys are certainly passed out enough.

lizard. dot lizard. said...

yeah, i know, where were there sharpies? why are these perpetrators not wearing eyeliner and womens' lingerie? sheesh. apparently the Monroe Police have lost at least a little of their sense of humor, and that is sad.

Miss Britt said...

Thank God I never passed out holding the lawn ornaments we "found" on our way home.

Karl said...

Heh, I've wound up sleeping somewhere alien more than once, to be sure.

martymankins said...

When you posted that story on Twitter, I was cracking up. Too funny.

The big crime was being caught stealing pink pads.

Brandon said...

Whit - I even have a few stupid things I took while totally sober.

Iron_Fist and Dot Lizard - Good point. The pictures though are more than you'd get from most police departments

Miss Britt - What? Never?

Karl - As bad as WJP is, at least nobody caught it on camera.

martymankins - I love the pink pads. I think without those, the story itself wouln't have caught my attention so much.

The Absurdist said...

I am very good at "bonding" with lawns, as I call it.

Justin said...

yeah, I've been drunk but THAT drunk? haha. I had a friend that drunk once, decided to strip nude and run about a mile across campus and break into the university swimming pool where he caught and arrested. Course I once got pulled over with two drag queens in the backseat... But that's another story for another time.

Becky said...

I'm one of those gets way too sick if I go too far, so I've never been that drunk. But yeah, you're right, at least they didn't drive home. It's strange how their common sense kept them from doing that, but not breaking/entering and then sleeping within 200 feet of their crime.