Mantastic Coffee

Posted by Brandon |

"Sexpresso" is all the rage right now here in Seattle. Scantily clad girls that serve up some piping hot espresso are predictably decimating the PG competition in this, the most cutthroat coffee market in the entire country. And really, who could blame guys for wanting a little sugar with their coffee in the morning?

As you know, I recently moved to beautiful Edmonds, Washington. Our house downtown in what is called "The Bowl" is primarily flanked by condominiums containing an unbelievable amount of Seattle retirees. And not just recent empty nester retirees, either. We're talking about riding around on scooters and early bird special kind of retirees. Imagine Del Boca Vista from Seinfeld, and you kind of get the idea of what a typical afternoon in downtown Edmonds is like.

The Bowl is home to quite a few coffee shops per capita. There's the chains, Tully's and Starbucks, but there are also a handful of local places like Walnut Street Coffee and Red Twig. All of these coffee shops are filled to the brim with retirees during the day to the point that there needs to be more coffee shops in The Bowl.

Incidentally and totally off topic, Walnut Street Coffee is where I spent my first few days in town using their wifi and observing the retiree culture. The same group of people show up every single day and occupy the same exact table. They surround and devour anybody that might have made the mistake of sitting there unawares of what was to come. I've been wanting to sit at that table and let them overtake me just to see what happened, but I've been to chicken so far.

Back to my point. The facts are these: There are a lot of old women in Edmonds and the old women seem to love their espresso. Sexpresso, in it's current form, wouldn't work in The Bowl. However, if you were to open an espresso stand and staff it with a bunch of hot, charming, gay men wearing nothing but a Speedo or some hot pants, OH MY GOD, the old ladies would sign over their social security checks on a daily basis. You know your grandma would get a kick out of one of these guys making her one of those new fangled expressos she's been hearing so much about...

And not only would she get some eye candy but she'd have someone to talk to about antiques and shopping and whatever other cliche that I can't think of right now. The guys would just have to give the ladies a little bit of non-threatening attention and throw in some charm and we'd be golden.

It would also be a great place for some of the younger ladies in town to occasionally get coffee, it could also serve as a great jumping off point for bachelorette parties and it would probably bring a lot of the gay guys in town out of the woodwork (are there any in Edmonds? I have yet so see anything but straight white people in this town).

I'm actually somewhat serious about this. It's a match made in heaven, really, and I think that my new espresso stand in downtown Edmonds would be a smashing success. It's not a totally original idea, I'm sure somebody has already thought of it and will open a all male sexy espresso stand sooner or later. But it might as well be me, don't you think? One in Edmonds for the old ladies and maybe, if it's successful, one on Capitol Hill for the guys.

The only thing that scares me at all is what happens if one of the baristas (baristos?) calls in sick one day and I find out that all of the other guys are unable to work? I am left with the option of either shutting down for the day or strapping on the bikini bottom, some chaps, a bow tie and serving up some coffee myself. Remember Chris Farley and Patrick Swayze on SNL? Yikes! I'd be ruined.

And I haven't thought of a good name yet. Any suggestions? If I use your name when we open up in...probably never...you win a free drink made with love by one of our washboard abbed sweeties and a t-shirt!


Dan said...

How about Big Dick's Coffee Shop? with you changing your name to Richard obviously

Brandon said...

Ooo...Big Dick's is pretty good. I'm thinking a bit more subtle though. Johnsons Espresso or just Richards would work.

I'm also partial to the post title, Mantastic Coffee.

Brandon said...

By the way, this is two straight posts with the word "Yikes!" I'm going to go for three tomorrow. Then perhaps I'll move onto "Zounds!"

Avitable said...

How about "Do you want cream with that?" as the name?

Jesse P Luna said...

Oooh, I got it. "Java the Hunk."

TSM-terrifically superiorily mediocre said...

For your initial one, how about...Beans & Bulge? Hmmm no....too gross. I'm thinking Wet Knickers? No... Lusty Lattes? I'm no good at this part. For the second one, Gay Grounds.

Here we have Dutch Bros coffee. They staff it with hot young guys who flirt shamelessly with the women, and women who do the same with both the men AND the women. It's wildly successful here, I think partially because of that formula. In fact...I need coffee. And I leave there blushing more often than not.

MC said...

Or Jocu-lattes.

Mrs. Hall said...

Hott cross buns?

Bean-n-dales (prol'l a copyright violation)

Studs -n- beans

Yang coffee

*(the yang of yin and yang-that black and white unity symbol thing-is the masculine energy and yin is the femine BTW).

That's all I got.


Mrs. Hall

mrs. hall said...

O WAIT!! I got it!

Cup of Joes


Mrs. Hall

Brandon said...

Avitable - I don't know about the name, but my guys will be instructed to say that no matter what the ladies order.

Jesse - Java The Hunk is pretty good. At or near the top of the list.

TSM - I've seen Dutch Bros down there, I had no idea that being flirty was one of their things.

MC - Jocu-lattes....I don't know what it means, but it's damn funny.

Mrs. Hall - And all the guys would wear nametags that said "Joe".

martymankins said...

I'll take two C cups, please.

And that SNL sketch with Chris Farley and Swayze was classic. I laugh each time I watch it.