7/30/2008

You Know You Live In Edmonds When...

Posted by Brandon |

You receive an ad like this in your ValPak coupons...



That's right, it's the Jitterbug from Samsung. Finally, a cell phone made just for me. Of course in my day, we called it a talky box or sometimes a wazzlemadiddle. Either way, when the president called you on the talky box, you knew that it was time to put on your parka and get ready to do the hoochie-coochie down at the old barn dance with them older girls.

And I was always a real good dancer, I could really cut a rug with the best of them. We called it cutting a rug because the old barn was really a carpet factory and when you were done dancing, you had to get to work. Back in those days, everybody had to pitch in to help our boys overseas. I didn't know it until I joined the service, but the carpet that we made on those nights was used to fight the Nazis. You never heard of rug bombing? It fell on unsuspecting Krauts and smothered them to death. And that's why, even today, the Germans will not wear a toupee.

Anywho, I'm pretty sick of my Helio wazzlemadiddle right now because of all those gosh darn fancy doo hickies that I don't use anyway and all of those scary, confusing buttons. Just give me a good old fashioned "Yes" or "No" and some gigantic numbers and I'm ready to give old Wilbur a ring so that we can head down to the lake to do some fishing.

We used to fish on the Norfolk River, we caught some catfish mainly, and occasionally a trout or two, but once I caught myself a Killer Whale. I cast out way into the middle of the river and the next thing I know, I'm being pulled right off of the bank and into the water. I fought him for at least three days, he pulled me miles upon miles up and down the river. But finally I got the best of him when I remembered that I brought my rifle. I started firing off shots into the water until suddenly the great beast burst out of the water, looked me right in the eye and said "Brandon, today you have shown that you are the greatest fisherman of all time and I bow to you. Reel me in and take me to town and show those blowhards down at the VFW who really is the king of this town." So that's what I did. I gave the whale a push and rode him all ten miles back to into town. When I came whooshing down main street, everybody just stared out the windows of the stores and offices, too amazed to even congratulate me on my victory. The sheriff showed up a little while later and gave me my prize, a week long stay at the finest resort in town. But I never did understand why the Norfolk Daily News headline the next morning read "Bourbon Brandon's Police Car Joyride Ends At Town Square". Probably written by some commie jew who wouldn't know a Killer Whale from a hole in the ground.

And that's why, tomorrow, I'm going to call and get my free brochure for the new Jitterbug from Samsung. Finally, a wazzlemadiddle made just for me.

4 comments:

Sizzle said...

Ha HA ha!

martymankins said...

They used to advertise this phone in Newsweek and Ladies Home Journal.

A phone you can use to make phone calls? Amazing.

Ohhh. Big Buttons.

Miss Britt said...

True Story:

When I got my iPhone in January, I called everyone I knew back in BFE Iowa to tell them "HOLY CRAP I GOT AN IPHONE I AM THE COOLEST PERSON EVER!!"

Every. single. one of them. reacted the same.

"Is that, like, a really cool phone?"

Seriously.

TSM-terrifically superiorily mediocre said...

Oh you so totally had me until the part where you were dissin' the fishin'.

Must respect dah fishin. You're in the NW now!

Also mildly remeniscent of "Big Fish". That was a cute movie!

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