I Love To Shop!

Posted by Brandon |

I went clothes shopping today. I don't know why.

That's not true, the reason I went shopping today was simple, I'm not hip enough as is for New York City. Not that the items that I purchased will make me NYC hip, but at least I won't look like a complete slob wandering the streets. Every time that I've been there I felt totally inadequate in my t-shirts and shorts that just screamed TOURIST!!! at the top of their lungs. While being a tourist I prefer to blend in to my surroundings as much as possible. I prefer nobody know that I'm a tourist.

Shopping for me is a harrowing experience. First of all, I'm big. I'm 6 foot 4 and weigh in at nearly 300 pounds. Hip clothes are not made to be worn by me. While most places carry 2XL clothing, I typically require 3XL because the 2XL shirt, while plenty wide, usually isn't long enough. I hate short shirts, they drive me crazy, so finding the perfect balance between width and length is very difficult. Most of the clothes that I find are sports themed, meant for much older men, have a gangsta thing going on or are just plain ugly. I personally prefer an old-school, thrift store look that is nearly unattainable for a larger gentleman like myself.

Secondly, I hate the other people that I have to shop with. I feel silly saying this because it sounds like I'm becoming such a crumudgeon but I can't help it, I hate teenagers. I've hated teenagers since I was little, I hated them when I was a teenager and I especially hate them now. And I hate how so many of the grownups at the mall act like teenagers themselves. Between the teenagers and the wannabe teenagers, the mall is perhaps the single stupidest place in any city. You would think it would be backstage at the local strip club, but at least those girls have figured out how to make themselves some money wearing very little clothing and being slutty.

Plus I'm a get in, get out kind of guy (quit snickering). I know where I'm going, I don't dawdle and I usually walk very fast. So getting stuck behind the wandering extended families that populate the malls in this area drives me insane. Mexicans do everything as a family. They go to church, they go to dinner, they go to the movies and they go to the malls. And usually it's grandma, grandpa, mom, dad, a bunch of kids and two or three cousins all spread neatly across a walkway with no hope of ever getting around them.

But today wasn't so bad. Sure there were the stupid teenage masses and the humongous families clogging the walkways, but after walking into the Adidas outlet and finding a new pair of shoes right away and then finding out that Eddie Bauer's 2XL shirts fit me pretty well, I was in a much better mood. I also manged to find a shirt and a belt to clip my Olympia Beer belt buckle to at the Levi's store, bought a black Spiderman t-shirt at Hot Topic and enjoyed a limeade and a cheese on a stick at Hot Dog On a Stick for lunch. Overall, I felt pretty good about my day of shopping when I was finished.

Sadly though I got home and found out why some things look so good when I'm trying them on but when I wear them for the first time look awful. I never realized that I lean forward when I'm trying things on instead of standing up straight. So when I do stand up straight at home things look and fit 100% different. Now I have to go back and return two shirts that looked good in the store but looked horrible at home.

I also have to return the Spiderman shirt because I failed to notice that the logo stretches from shoulder to shoulder and all the way down to the bottom of the shirt. It would look completely ridiculous on anyone let along me. I thought it would just be a normal logo on the chest but that's what I get for not looking close enough.

What's worse in the long run? Not looking presentable in New York City or the frustration for me that is going shopping. I don't know the answer but what I do know is that I went shopping and will still probably not look presentable in the city. Plus, because of my poor dressing room posture, I have to go back again. Whoopee!


MisstressM said...

Ohhhhh I hate teenagers as well. I always want to take off a shoe and beat them with it. But seriously…..I have no anger issues. I just don’t like half naked kids acting like horny prostitutes.