The Ultimate Vons Shopping Trip

Posted by Brandon |

First of all, go check out my new renter The Art of Getting By. One of my favorite blogs (she was one of my first blogroll adds), I kind of felt bad taking her credits. I should be the one shelling out the big bucks to be on her blog. Now, on to the show...

This evening, the wife and I made a quick trip to our local Vons (that's Safeway for all the cool people) where I picked up the motherload of incredibly disturbing and exciting new products.

1. Kellogg's Pops Cereal - Not really a new product, just a new name and a radical new packaging design. Kellogg's is apparently trying to gain some street cred ditching the embarrassingly un-hot "corn" from the name and replacing it with hip graffiti...

I can't wait to hear 50 Cent (fitty to all my peeps) drop Pops in one of his new joints, yo! They should have gone for the gusto and used "big yellow taste...sweet puffed crunch, bitches!" as their slogan. I would have much more respect for that.

2. Lay's Sensations Sweet Chili and Sour Cream Chips - Lay's gets all fancy on your ass! Trying to cash in on the Kettle Chips, gourmet potato chips craze, Lay's has done something that I thought was unimaginable. They have created an even more greasy chip. I think I can feel the peanut oil congealing in my arteries right now.

3. Kellogg's Eggo Waffle Maple Syrup Cereal - Finally, my love for waffles and my love for cereal crash into each other in an unholy combination. I can finally stop pouring milk all over my syrup soaked Eggo's in the morning. Hale-fucking-lujah!

4. Tab Energy Drink - I hate to go all Seinfeld on you, but seriously, who are these people who are still drinking Tab? And how have they managed to convince anybody that a Tab Energy Drink would either taste good or sell well? I personally think that this product was created just for me to blog about.

5. The Big Bucket Strawberry Margarita Mix - Last, and certainly not least, the Big Bucket is one of the most innovative inventions of all time. All you have to do is open it up, pour a bottle of Tequila in and voila', Margaritas for everybody! But then you are left with a big problem...Access. How the hell do you get those Margaritas served up conveniently?

Enter the new Dispensa-Rita (tm), a genius use of a spout and a trademark that makes a good, old-fashioned drunken weekend even easier.

In fact, we have a weekend retreat starting tomorrow where we will pretty much do nothing but relax and drink. I can't wait to just hoist that Big Bucket over my head, open the Dispensa-Rita (tm) and start chugging. Does anybody know the number for 911?