Hot Ice

Posted by Brandon |

The best part of the Olympics so far has been the speed skating. The Americans are winning medals but fighting like little girls. The Italian with the big schnoz has won two golds. The competition has been fast and exciting and great to watch, as always.

But where speed skating has really stood out this year has been in the outfits. You really have to give it up to Nike. They have taken their experience with the Oregon Ducks football uniforms and have built upon that foundation to bring us the most stylish, high performance singlets in the history of sports.

The Norwegian team is outfitted from head-to-toe in red with blue sleeves which, in the long run, ends up being one of the most conservative looks.

"Frig you, Eh! I'm from Canada. Please excuse me or I will cut you with my sleeves."

Dude, don't look at me, I wasn't the one who put you in thigh-highs and silver and orange fishnet gloves. Don't blame me for that spot of navy between your legs, I had nothing to do with it. My advice to you, don't drop the soap. Your name isn't 'Twan, is it?

MY EYES! MY EYES! OH GOD - THE HORROR! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! MAKE IT STOP! Seriously, I think Russia found a 1,000 year-old dude frozen in the ice of one of their speed skating rinks, thawed him out and taught him how to skate. What is worse, though? Captain Caveman's face or Russia's uniforms?

Can you believe that the Americans are the most conservative, subdued and best looking team in speed skating? I would have expected head-to-toe red, white and blue stars and stripes with a big "In God We Trust" slogan and a gaudy cartoon eagle and the images of the Twin Towers. Instead we look classy. If only our skaters could act that way.