From the DWP! Archive: My Entourage

Posted by Brandon |

I don't know why, but I was thinking about My Entourage earlier tonight. Usually, they just stand behind me and I totally forget about them despite their constant presence.

I'm currently taking applications for new entourage members. We currently have openings for Assistant Sous Chef, Zamboni Driver and Worst. President. Ever. To apply, please email me your resume and a cover letter. Salary: DOE. No benefits.

I just heard on VH1 that the entourage was the one of the most important accessories for celebrities in 2005. You may not have known that I have my own entourage. Unfortunately we don't get out a whole lot, but these guys have done a great job for me so I thought it was high time I introduced them to you and give them a big thank you for their great year of work...

Meet Mario, one of the top bodyguards in the business. Ok, so that's not true. He can't even lift his arms over his head and has to ride in a wheelchair because he is so top heavy he just tips over when he stands. But if he ever just happened to be in between me and a bullet, there is virtually no chance it would penetrate that leathery exterior of his. Thanks Mario!

Tim is my hair and makeup man and on a personal note, my master in the fine art of Amish style facial hair growing. I have learned much from this man and I can proudly say that under his tutelage, I now average only one shave a week. Thanks Tim!

After both Diddy and the guys from Outkast tired of this no talent hanger-on, we had to snap him up if only to keep Tim's beard dry. Thanks Bentley!

Larry is the white guy. People think he's funny. A real estate investor who makes a lot of money. Thanks Larry! UPDATE!!! Sadly, Larry The White Guy was murdered in April of 2006. We recently named a new Larry the White Guy, though....

Senator Larry Craig is already doing one hell of a job as our resident Larry The White Guy. But man, I really don't need lists of the top gloryholes in Idaho, Larry. Thanks anyway.

The DWP! crew consumes nearly 50% of this country's Cap'n Crunch supply each year. To show his appreciation the Cap'n rolls with us wherever we go. Hot damn I love me some Crunch Berries! Thanks Cap'n!

The Western Carolina University sousaphone squad introduces us with our theme song everywhere we go. You have never heard the Spongebob Squarepants song sound so good! Thanks WCU Sousaphones!

And finally, the Wu-Tang Clan. That's right, Method Man, The RZA, GZA, Ghostface Killa, Raekwon and the ghost of Ol' Dirty Bastard roll with the DWP! crew (seriously, the Wu-Tang Clan is the name of these guys basketball team. Google it). Wu-Tang Clan and Down With Pants! ain't nothin' to fuck with! Thanks guys!


The Freelance Guru said...

What a brilliant Crew. I imagine you never have a trouble getting into any clubs with as good looking crew as that.

Justin Scott said...

I just don't know what to think other than this is hilarious.

Brandon said...

TFG - We ususally stick to the local Baskin-Robbins and mini-golf courses - you know, big pimpin' - so we're pretty much welcomed wherever we go.

Justin - What's so funny about my crew? Do I need to sick Mario on you?