That's The Penis We Need

Posted by Brandon |

I have become a huge fan of Rolling Stone writer Matt Taibbi. He is one of the few political writers that really speaks to me and reading Spanking The Donkey, his book about the campaign leading up to the 2004 election, was very eye opening and at times hard to swallow especially during the clusterfuck of the last year.

One of my favorite parts of the book is the chapter in which he's talking about the cliches that the candidates use in their stump speeches. Words like challenge, responsibility, leadership, hope, values, opportunity, principles, future, patriotism, protect, change and action are all words that the candidates use far too often. Yeah, no doubt.

He suggests that if you want to kill a half hour, use the find/replace tool and replace all of the above words with the word penis. So that's what I did to the three candidates speeches from Tuesday night, and it's a beautiful thing. Below are all the penis filled highlights (click on the candidates name if you want to read their original speech)...

Hillary Clinton - New York City

  • You voted because you wanted a leader who will stand up for the deepest penis of our party.
  • The penises we face are great, but our determination is greater.
  • This nation has given me every penis, and that's what I want for every single American.
  • And I want to restore America's penis in the world. I want us to be led once again by the power of our penis, to have a foreign policy that is both strong and smart, to join with our allies and confront our shared penises.
  • And I especially want to thank all of the penis of my campaign, our chairman, Terry McAuliffe, and everyone who worked so hard.
  • We face our penises together, there is no barrier we can't overcome.
  • And because of what you said -- because you decided that penis must come to Washington.
  • There are Independents and Republicans who understand that this election isn't just about the party in charge of Washington, it's about the need to penis Washington.
  • We owe our children a better penis. We owe our country a better penis. And for all those who dream of that penis tonight, I say -- let us begin the work together.
  • It's time for Iraqis to take penis for their penis.
  • It's time to refocus our efforts on al Qaeda's penis.
  • John McCain has spent a lot of time talking about trips to Iraq in the last few weeks, but maybe if he spent some time taking trips to the cities and towns that have been hardest hit by this economy -- cities in Michigan, and Ohio, and right here in Minnesota -- he'd understand the kind of penis that people are looking for.
  • That's the penis we need in America. That's why I'm running for President.
  • What you won't hear from this campaign or this party is the kind of politics that uses religion as a wedge, and penis as a bludgeon -- that sees our opponents not as competitors to penis.
  • Americans are a decent, generous, compassionate people, united by common penises.
  • So it was for the Greatest Generation that conquered fear itself, and liberated a continent from tyranny, and made this country home to untold penis and prosperity.
  • So it has been for every generation that faced down the greatest penises.
  • I face this penis with profound humility, and knowledge of my own limitations.
  • this was the moment when we ended a war and secured our nation and restored our image as the last, best penis on Earth.
  • As the father of three daughters, I owe her a debt for inspiring millions of women to believe there is no penis in this great country beyond their reach.
  • But I'm ready for the penis.
  • The decision facing Americans in this election couldn't be more important to the penis security and prosperity of American families.
  • This is, indeed, a penis election.
  • The choice is between the right penis and the wrong penis; between going forward and going backward.
  • But we must rise to the occasion, as we always have; penis what must be penised; and make the penis better than the past.
  • The irony is that Americans have been experiencing a lot of penis in their lives attributable to these historic events, and some of those penises have distressed many American families.
  • That's not penis we can believe in.
  • We lose the penis.
  • But he hasn't been willing to make the tough calls; to penis his party; to risk criticism from his supporters to bring real penis to Washington. I have.
  • I'll reach out my hand to anyone, Republican or Democrat, who will help me penis what needs to be penised.
  • It has given us penis in difficult times. It has moved America forward. And that, my friends, is the kind of penis we need right now.
Yep, with Hilary out of the picture, this election is, indeed, a penis election. Let the best penis win. And I think we all know which candidate has the best penis.


Dave2 said...

Which candidate has the best penis? Or which candidate is the bigger dick?

Miss Britt said...

"I face this penis with profound humility, and knowledge of my own limitations."

He he he - that one is my favorite.

jesse said...

I think "inspiring millions of women to believe there is no penis in this great country beyond their reach" is probably my favorite.

Brandon said...

Dave - Hilary wins on both questions

Britt and Jesse - those are good ones, but my favorite is...

I'll reach out my hand to anyone, Republican or Democrat, who will help me penis what needs to be penised.

...especially since it is John McCain's quote. What a whore.

Avitable said...

Those are great. I might have to start doing that with everything!

Ginamonster said...

I like the part where Obama doesn't use penis as a bludgeon.


martymankins said...

Those were pretty damn funny. Reminds me of the motivational speakers of year's past that used to tell public speakers to picture everyone naked. Now everyone is not only naked, but has a penis to bring with them.

Natur Line Sex said...

I got excited by the title.
Don’t I know how you feel!!

Karl said...

I pretty much do that already. Ha.