What The Hell Happened To...Your Grandma?

Posted by Brandon |

What the hell happened to your grandma? Or your husband? Or your favorite pet? Or that hot chick from Chotchkie's you've been stalking? Whether your loved one has passed away, is overseas or has taken out a restraining order against your freaky ass, there is a company that can help you easily answer that super nosy question.

LifeGem can create a high quality diamond just for you. They use a complicated process of carbon extraction, diamond presses that "replicate the awesome forces deep within the earth" and high skilled diamond cutters to give you that special, individually crafted keepsake to remember your loved one by.

The only thing that you have to supply is...well...the loved one.

At first the company only had the technology to produce these diamonds "by capturing carbon from existing remains of your loved one's standard cremation". So the diamond was only able to be created after the loved one passed away. LifeGem was missing out on a lot of business this way due to people who wanted standard burials or who wanted these for living loved ones.

But luckily for the stalker, LifeGem put their top scientists on the case and discovered a process that can extract the carbon necessary from a lock of hair meaning that "a LifeGem diamond is now available for anyone choosing cremation or burial...or if you purely want to create a symbol of your precious bond with someone you love."

So, "A diamond that takes millions of years to occur naturally can now be created from the carbon of your loved one in about twenty-four weeks."

Personally, if I die early I want to be stuffed, frozen for eternity with a wagging finger and a scowl on my face and put in the living room to watch over my family, especially if I have daughters. All the men in their life will have to meet me before taking them out. I really want to scare the crap out of some teenage boys but if I die too early to do so, in death I want to make my presence known. But making everybody wear little chunks of me around town wouldn't be too bad of an option either.

And when some insensitive clod asks my family, "what the hell happened to Brandon?" or if someone asks you, "What the hell happened to little Poochie?" you can flash them that special bling that you wear on your finger or in your ears or around your neck or in your grill and reply "they are right here, with me, where they belong, forever."

*Note: LifeGem cannot not be held responsible for people getting all creeped out by your creepy ass jewelry...weirdo*


Avitable said...

That is creepy, although I like your idea of being stuffed with a wagging finger. I was thinking of something along the same lines myself.

Dave2 said...

Do they verify where the body came from? And can I send a body to them via UPS? I think that I would like to make LifeGems of my enemies...

Greg said...

It's okay if I'm totally turned on by this, right?