DOWN WITH PANTS!

Last night I watched InStyle's Celebrity Weddings on ABC. These are the weird things you end up doing when you are slated to get married in a few months. It actually wasn't as gut-wrenching as I expected it to be until they got to the Star Jones-Al Reynolds wedding from last year. That's when the shit hit the fan for me.

If you know nothing about this wedding let me try to describe it in one sentence because I don't really want to rehash the whole horrible thing. Domineering D-list talk show host and gay banker wed in made for TV, corporate sponsored ceremony in front of big names and no friends. I think that just about sums it up. Gawker has a whole category dedicated to Star Jones so if you want more info go check it out. And if you really want to be sick visit the official website of the wedding, Starandal.com. Yuck, I think I just threw up a little bit in my mouth.

What sickened me the most on the TV special was her bragging about the 27 foot train on her wedding dress, apparently the longest train ever, two feet longer than Princess Di's. She even went so far as to point out that in the bridal industry they now say "Star Cathedral Length" when describing a long train. The audacity of this fake celebrity to try and one up Princess Di is just so ridiculous. I mean, I'm not a big fan of the royals, but a princess should hold this record, don't you think?

So, that being said, and since this nobody now holds some kind of record, I feel that someone has to one up this smarmy bitch. Preferably someone totally unknown to the rest of the world. Just a commoner if you will. And, not only that, but I would love to see this done as cheaply as possible. I'm thinking of a 30 foot train made of newspaper. 75 cents worth of material.

Please feel free to steal my idea. Go ahead and make one. Honestly, I'll probably never get around to it. Unfortunately Death? has already said no way, she won't wear the 30 foot newspaper train, but I'm sure some brave soul somewhere would be willing to. I'll do everything I can to publicize that you are wearing this train. I'll do my best to make sure everybody in the world knows that you are the new record holder topping that psycho Star Jones. I promise. Just let me know and I'll be right there with you.