4/12/2009

A DWP! Tradition: The Easter Ham Story

Posted by Brandon |

I'll never forget the first Easter I spent in Bowling Green, Ohio. I never thought much of Easter as a holiday, we did the bunny stuff and had dinner, but we didn't go out of our way to celebrate. So when I spent a weekend on campus and there wasn't a soul anywhere in the entire town except my friend from San Diego (who was as shocked as I was), it was a big culture shock. I never knew that there really was something to Easter, some kind of tradition.

Well, here at Down With Pants!, we now have our own Easter tradition, one that would clear the campus on it's own as well. I present to you, The Easter Ham Story...


Ever wonder why everybody always eat ham on Easter? Well, I'm no biblical scholar, but here's how I understand the story goes...

When Jesus was resurrected he rose up from the tomb and found a big bunch of Jews hanging out, kicking it, having a picnic of bagels and lox and pastrami sandwiches and talking shit and high fiving about the crucifixtion a few days earlier.

Jesus, as you can imagine, was not pleased. In his deepest, darkest, foulest voice, he bellowed, "silly Jews, I am back. And guess what? We're eating pork, bitches!" And Jesus started flying through the air shooting whole hams from his hands like lightning bolts at all of the Jews.

Seeing this, the depressed and downtrodden Christians joined in and picked up all of the hams that Jesus shot and started chasing the Jews around and throwing the hams at them.

When the very last Jew was either chased off or knocked out by Jesus and his Christian ham throwing posse, Jesus took all of the hams and prepared a gigantic feast and proclaimed, "from this day forward, Christians shall eat the meat of the dirty swine just to piss off the Jews" and in honor of Jesus, his resurrection, and his freeing of the Christian world from Kosher dietary laws, Christians celebrate each Easter by eating ham just to rub it in the faces of the Jewish people.

And that, kids, is why everybody eats ham on Easter. It's also where the game of dodgeball was invented - Christian kids have been using that game to bully little Jewish kids for years - and it's also where the saying "when pigs fly" comes from, although the meaning of that saying got a little mixed up over the years.

But that's a whole nother biblical story that I'd love to share with you sometime very soon. Like I said, I'm no biblical scholar, but I'm pretty sure I know how that story goes too.

5 comments:

marty mankins said...

I would believe your story over the bible.

Isn't the pig wonderful? So many gifts it gives us - ham, bacon, pork chops.

Jay said...

I wonder if their reaction to pork is anything like vampires experience when rubbed with garlic?

Becky said...

That would probably explain why my family seems to always eat ham at Christmas too. Ham is the symbolism of Jesus for his original birth and his re-birth.

Becky said...

That would probably explain why my family seems to always eat ham at Christmas too. Ham is the symbolism of Jesus for his original birth and his re-birth.

Anonymous said...

This is completely false. No one should use this article as a resource of accurate information. This may be humorous but it is also very incorrect.

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