The Best of DWP! - 2005

Posted by Brandon |

First of all, I want to wish everybody a belated Merry Christmas! Death? and I had a great Christmas Day spending 16 hours at a completely sold out Disneyland. It was a lot of fun, not nearly as stressful as we expected and, this is going to sound really cheesy but here we go anyway, very magical.

Also, I want to thank my Secret Santa, Dizzy Scorpio, for her gift. I loved it! Thank you very much!

Now that Christmas is over it is time for the obligatory Best of Lists. Since I have gained a lot of new readers late in the year I thought it would probably be good to recap our year here at DWP! and bring to you the best of DWP! - 2005.

In January I discovered something amazing about myself...I'm Magic!


Friday morning I brought a Diet Cherry Coke with me to work. I drank a little bit more than half of it before setting it on my workstation and forgetting about it. We had a leak in the roof above our area and had to move a bunch of boxes around so that our building manager could figure out the problem.

While moving these boxes I must have bumped my workstation ever so slightly and knocked my soda over. I went to the restroom and did some other work and about half an hour later I returned to my workstation and was stopped dead in my tracks by what I found...

Completely freaked out I ran into the other room and yelled at my coworkers to come see what I found. Everybody accused me of setting it up and didn't believe that it could just happen randomly.

Of course this phenomenon is easily explained. But before you start spouting off some kind of scientific crap about center of gravity and whatnot, let me set you straight. It obviously was Magic. I must be magic. There really is no other explanation. These powers that I possess are strong. So you'd best not cross me or else you might find yourself a victim of my magic just like this can of Diet Cherry Coke.


In March I had a religious awakening and identified a false prophet...


"Please squander my money! Please squander my money!"

I have a weird fascination with televangelists and one of my favorites over the past few years has been Benny Hinn. I love watching his crusades and revivals on TBN despite my hatred of everything that he believes in and preaches. He is just such an amazing showman and such an amazing shyster and it's incredible to see him put a spell on everybody that he preaches to. I just marvel at the incredible amount of lying and cheating, the incredible opulence that surrounds Benny in everything he does, the amazing hypocrisy in his preaching and the power that he holds over people despite all of this.

So imagine my excitement when I found out about a two hour special on Dateline NBC about Benny that aired last night. I almost missed the entire thing and only saw the final 30 minutes or so, but even in that half hour I was totally blown away at what a gigantic douche bag Benny Hinn is.

Wow. Watching him for years I understand that he is just an awful person who tricks people into believing that he is healing them. But faith healers have been around forever in virtually every religion. This game is nothing new. But the way that he spends and spends and spends the church's money and lies about where the donations are going is criminal and rivals even the worst of all of the corporate scandals of the last few years.

I'm not a religious person but sometimes I wish that there is a Hell solely for people like Benny Hinn that use spirituality and God as a weapon (and a shield) in their quest to become rich and powerful. He is a predator of the most manipulative kind who preys on people who need God in their lives but end up with a false prophet named Benny, better know to you and me as Pastor Douche Bag.


And in April we elected a new Pope, so let us continue the sacrilege...



Uh, uh, aaaaaaaahhhh yeah...

Just throw your hands in the A-yer and wave 'em like ya just don't cay-yer and if you like fish and grits and all that pimp shit somebody say oh yay-yer.

The clinic, the clinic, the clinics on fire! The clinic, the clinic, the clinics on fire...
we don't need no water let the muthafucka burn, burn abortion clinic, burn!

Somebody Sing Oh la, oh la ay...Oh la, oh la ay!
Oh la, oh la ay...Oh la, oh la ay!

I wanna hear ya say We don't need no condoms, come on...We don't need no condoms!
I can't hear you! We don't need no condoms...We don't need no condoms!

(Benedict starts doing the Ed Lover dance)
Go Benny! Go Benny! Go, go, go Benny!
Go Benny! Go Benny! Go, go, go Benny!

I wanna hear the ladies say AIDS is for the wicked...AIDS is for the wicked!
Come on ladies, say AIDS is for the wicked...AIDS is for the wicked!

After mass it's the after mass party and, after the party it's St. Peter's lobby and, after the lobby ya gotta freak an alter boy's body and...

Now somebody, anybody, everybody SCREAM!!!....AHHHHHHH!!!



More of The Best of DWP! - 2005 to come tomorrow!