DOWN WITH PANTS!

I am Kapgar's fantasy football bitch. You're welcome Kapgar, enjoy it while you can.

Late last year, I made a discovery that changed my life. OK, that's a little strong, but Bacon Salt is so damn good, I put it on nearly everything and recommend it to anybody that will listen. And I'm still blown away by the idea and how the two guys that started the company and an amazing amount of viral marketing have taken it to the level that it is at today.

And it just keeps getting better. On October 30th, the Bacon Salt guys are introducing their newest genius product, Baconnaise. Damn, doesn't that sound good? I love mayonnaise, I love bacon, how can I not love Baconnaise? Hell, I already put Bacon Salt on my sandwiches, this will be so much easier.

And what better way to celebrate the launch of Baconnaise than mayonnaise wrestling (click on the poster to bigify)...


That's right, mayonnaise wrestling. 200 gallons of mayonnaise, to be exact. Yikes!

So if you are in Seattle, head on down to Heaven's Night Club for free BLT's, a mayo to Baconnaise exchange, mayo wrestling and music with all proceeds going to a good cause.

Hell yeah!

I am Kapgar's fantasy football bitch.

It shouldn't come as a surprise, but after minutes of careful consideration (the amount of time it took Barack Obama to deliver his speech at the 2004 Democratic Convention.)Down With Pants! is whole heartedly endorsing Barack Obama for president. In fact, I've even updated my banner to reflect my support (see above), and I've created my own campaign poster...


Feel free to steal it and plaster it wherever you would like (and yes, I know it's not super high quality).

Down With Pants! Up With Obama!

I was heading to bed, but I felt like I needed to read at least one essay out of the great NPR book This I Believe to put me in better spirits before heading off to sleep. And I'm so glad that I did because the first one that I read was Oscar Hammerstein II's "Happy Talk" - originally published in the 1950's, but still very relevant and very much in line with me, someone that tries to be unhappy - I'm a blogger, twitterer, etc. It's my duty to be unhappy, right? But I just can't do it. I am also a happy man who also thinks it's important to announce it to the world.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy Oscar Hammerstein II's "Happy Talk" as much as I did. I felt like it's a good message to share today...

"I have an unusual statement to make. I am a man who believes he is happy. What makes it unusual is that a man who is happy seldom tells anyone. The unhappy man is more communicative. He is eager to recite what is wrong with the world, and he seems to have a talent for gathering a large audience. It is a modern tragedy that despair has so many spokesmen, and hope so few.

I believe, therefore, that it is important for a man to announce that he is happy even though such an announcement is less dramatic and less entertaining than the cries of his pessimistic opposite. Why do I believe I am happy? Death has deprived me of many whom I loved. Dismal failure has followed many of my most earnest efforts. People have disappointed me. I have disappointed them. I have disappointed myself.

Further than this, I am aware that I live under a cloud of international hysteria. The cloud could burst, and a rain of atom bombs could destroy millions of lives, including my own. From all this evidence, could I not build up a strong case to prove why I am not happy at all? I could, but it would be a false picture, as false as if I were to describe a tree only as it looks in winter. I would be leaving out a list of people I love, who have not died. I would be leaving out an acknowledgment of the many successes that have sprouted among my many failures. I would be leaving out the blessing of good health, the joy of walking in the sunshine. I would be leaving out my faith that the goodness in man will triumph eventually over the evil that causes war.

All these things are as much a part of my world as the darker worries that shade them. The conflict of good and bad merges in thick entanglement. You cannot isolate virtue and beauty and success and laughter, and keep them from all contact with wickedness and ugliness and failure and weeping. The man who strives for such isolated joy is riding for a fall. He will wind up in isolated gloom.

I don’t believe anyone can enjoy living in this world unless he can accept its imperfection. He must know and admit that he is imperfect, that all other mortals are imperfect, that it is childish to allow these imperfections to destroy all his hope and all his desire to live. Nature is older than man, and she is still far from perfect. Her summers do not always start promptly on June 21st. Her bugs and beetles and other insects often go beyond her obvious intentions, devouring the leaves and buds with which she has adorned her countryside. After the land has remained too dry for too long, she sends relieving rains. But frequently they come in torrents so violent that they do more harm than good. Over the years, however, nature keeps going on in her imperfect way, and the result—in spite of her many mistakes—is a continuing miracle. It would be folly for an individual to seek to do better—to do better than to go on in his own imperfect way, making his mistakes, riding out the rough and bewildering, exciting and beautiful, storm of life until the day he dies."

I am Kapgar's fantasy football bitch.

I know that you all have missed the DWP! Fantasy Football league recap that has been absent the last couple weeks. I was sick one week and then the next I thought that I shouldn't mess with a good thing since I got a win after not posting, so I didn't do one. But now that I've lost, I know that not posting isn't going to help me win. So without further ado, here's your week 5 update...

Pumpkin Discargers (4-1) - 112 - Panthers Defense - 19 points
Culture Kills Lions (2-3) - 66 - Peyton Manning - 19 points

The Pumpkin Dischargers continue to roll along through the DWP! Fantasy Football league early season knocking off former champion Culture Kills Lions by 46 points. Ouch. The Dischargers got double digits from seven of nine players including 19 from the Panthers defense - you gotta love a shutout - and 16 from Devery Henderson. The Lions, on the other hand, had only two players in double digits - Peyton Manning (19) and Ronnie Brown (18).

Stop The Clocks (3-2) - 78 - Andre Johnson - 19 points
Snackiesonics (1-4) - 61 -Roddy White - 19 points

Despite losing his starting quarterback early in the game, Stop The Clocks racked up a relatively easy win over the struggling Snackiesonics 78-61. Andre Johnson led the way with 19 and Hines Ward added 15 en route to the victory. Snackiesonics got 19 from Roddy White and 12 from the New England quarterback not named Brady but that was pretty much it.

Hut Hut Oz (4-1) - 110 - Clinton Portis - 21 points
sinkintothepacific (2-3) - 53 - Lee Evans - 18 points

Another first year DWP! player continues to roll. Hut Hut Oz got big days out of Clinton Portis (21) and Reggie Bush (18) en route to a 57 point victory. Poor sinkintothepacific, it was a rough week with only Lee Evans and his kicker scoring meaningful points.

Kapgar's Crusaders (5-0) - 93 - Tony Romo - 26 points
Down With Pants! (2-3) - 80 - Terrell Owens - 20 points

Kapgar got nothing out of Santana Moss, Miles Austin and only three points out of his big stud Adrian Peterson and still kicked my butt to continue his early season unbeaten streak. My team performed better than I had expected them to, but they still came up short mainly because I never play the right players.

CineRobots (1-4) - 112 - Steve Slaton - 21 points
RW's Cranky Bastards (2-3) - 69 - Rivers/McClain - 12 points

Hey hey! CineRobots finally gets on the board with a win. And not just any win, a league high score and a 43 point margin. Steve Slaton led the way with 21 points and boy am I glad, I really didn't want to type the name Housh....whatever and his 20 points. The Cranky Bastards got 12 from Phillip Rivers and a backup running back.

Warped (3-2) - 102 - Brandon Jacobs -25 points
Honea Express (1-4) - 82 - Eli Manning - 22 points

Brandon Jacobs ran all over the sorry Seahawks defense to lead defending Super Bowl champ Warped to a 102 - 82 victory over the hard luck Honea Express. Warped got 19 from JT O'Sullivan and 17 from Larry Fitzgerald in the win. Eli Manning still managed to score 22 points for Honea Express even though the Giants didn't need to throw anymore once they were up 38 points. Sorry ass Seahawks.


Can anybody stop Kapgar's Crusaders? This week, Warped will give it his best shot. Good luck. Here are all the week six games...

Kapgar's Crusaders (1) vs. Warped (4)
Hut Hut Oz (2) vs. Snackiesonics (12)
Pumpkin Dischargers (3) vs. Cinerobots (10)
Stop The Clocks (5) vs. Culture Kills Lions (6)
RW's Cranky Bastards (7) vs. Honea Express (11)
Down With Pants! (8) vs. sinkintothepacific (9)

Don't forget, there are teams on a bye this week. Buffalo, Tennessee, Kansas City and Pittsburgh. Please set your lineups accordingly. And don't give up, we've still got a long way to go.

Splash Addie, Splash! from Brandon on Vimeo.

A trip to the Seattle Aquarium with fish and sea mammals and all that good stuff everywhere, and the best thing all day is some water on the table. Figures.

1. Death? took exception to last night's post and she couldn't be more right. She has a storage area for the little things, it's just that the little things that she's wired to store are totally different than what I store. She stores little things about people she's met or seen. I store little things about, say...baseball or college gymnasiums. The problem is, that's all I store. She stores all those little things, all the knowledge she needs to be a doctor, and TONS of other super important things that keeps this household running. It's true, I probably would be fucked without her.

2. After the debate tonight, CBS talked to undecided voters they found at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas (a red flag itself) about who they thought won the debate. This one lady said she thought Palin had won because "she seemed like she could've been one of us up there." Umm...that should be a reason that she lost the debate, don't you think? I don't want one of us up there running for vice president because let's be honest, we'd all be totally shitty vice presidents. I'd be the worst vice president EVER.

I couldn't be more sick and tired of people wanting their president or vice president or representatives or whatever to be like them. I want my president and my VP to be the smartest people that I've ever met. I want them to have gone to the best schools and colleges in the country and I sure as shit don't want them to come from the community college system. I want them to not want to have a beer with me because I wouldn't challenge them intellectually.

Sadly though, this is a very common theme these days and Sarah Palin was chosen specifically to capitalize on this idiotic market. Let's face it folks, we aren't that far away from electing President Camacho.

The other day I tried to describe to Death? (my wife for your newbies) where a certain restaurant was by telling her that it was next to "that bar, Harvey's" knowing full well that the other day we had driven by Harvey's and talked about how crazy it looked. Her response? "I have no idea where Harvey's is, I've never heard of it." I rolled my eyes and tried to help her remember the place, but I couldn't get anything. It was completely gone from her memory.

This kind of thing happens all the time with us. She never remembers little details like Harvey's Tavern or the Kings School stickers on cars in the area or whatever. And it always frustrates me. I always can't believe that she would forget these things when we just talked about them or I would get offended because I think she wasn't really listening to what I was saying at the time. But just the other day I finally figured out why she never remembers and it has allowed me to finally come to terms with this difference.

My mind is filled to the brim with maps, directions, landmarks, pop culture references, sports trivia, music and other general minutia. I've never really filled it with anything important and there is still plenty of room for more and more garbage that doesn't take up much space.

Death? on the other hand is a doctor. She went to school and trained for over ten years to save people's lives. Her brain is filled with really important shit and big time minutia like Harvey's Tavern typically gets crushed by something slighty more important, like, say...how to deliver a baby.

I've come to realize that a big part of my role in our relationship is to be the maps, trivia, minutia storage space. So even though she still probably has no idea where Harvey's is despite going to Kafe Neo next door just the other day, she doesn't need to remember. She's got me, the guy that can get her to just about anywhere in the entire state allowing her to store even more important doctoring knowledge away for future use. And I've got her to save the lives of my opponents when I give them a savage beat down in a cutthroat game of Trivial Pursuit.

Yeah, I'd say we make a pretty good team.

I just got back from another Monday night soccer game. We won easily, 7-3 (I think, it wasn't as close as the score even indicates) and I played a lot and I played light years better than I had previously played. Sooner or later, especially if we play that team again later in the season, I'm going to score a goal. I was down there and though I didn't have any shots, I was in the right position to score numerous times. It's going to happen, I can feel it. I've never scored a goal. All I want is to get off the schnide.

After the game, as we were walking off the field and to our cars, we were all verbally accosted by a woman walking her dog. She was belligerently screaming at us about how "she lives right behind the school" and that "the lights are never on after 10:00 PM" and that "there's a noise ordinance" and generally getting into the faces of people that have nothing at all to do with when the game starts and ends. The lady that turns the lights on and off was there and was trying to get her to settle down as was the referee, but she was out of her mind and really giving it to us.

Yeah lady, take your meds. When she accosted me, I told her that we played there two weeks ago and we didn't get off of that field until well after 10:00, but she called me a liar. So either I'm a liar, or she is, or she can't tell time. And even if she's right and it's the first time EVER that the lights have been on after ten, then let it go and hope it doesn't happen again. Make a note and if it does happen again, contact the Greater Seattle Soccer League or at worst, like I dared her to do, call the cops. I'd love to listen in on that 911 call...

PSYCHO BITCH - "Hi, 911? Oh, this is an emergency. There are a bunch of big meanies playing soccer at the Mountlake Terrace High School soccer field right now. You know, the field that existed before I bought my house right next to a high school with athletic fields and lights and whatnot."

911 - "And?"

PSYCHO BITCH - "Well, there's a noise ordinance. It starts at ten."

911 - "And?"

PSYCHO BITCH - "It's 10:20...come arrest them!"

911 - "Ummm...no. Get a grip."

I fucking hate people like her. For one, she doesn't know where to direct her frustrations so she takes it out on people that don't have anything to do with it. What are we supposed to do, turn off the lights at ten in the middle of our game and play silently in the dark? I show up at 8:45 for my game and play till the last whistle. I'm not concerned with no noise ordinance.

Secondly, she has a house that borders the athletic fields of a high school, one that was probably there LONG before she was. The occasional annoyance should be expected. She's lucky the worst that happens is a soccer game that goes 30 minutes past curfew. Have you met any high schoolers lately? They sure are a bunch of little shits.

There was just an article in The Stranger this week about this lady in Ballard that moved into a brand spanking new retirement community that complained because noise was coming from the bars and music venues on the street level across the street, bars that have been open and playing music for 50+ years. What a stupid bitch. And there's a bar in Oxnard that has hosted live music for years and years that a bunch of people that bought brand new vacation condos next door tried to shut down, despite the fact that they are only at their condos every once in a while. This bitching about things you should've considered before buying a home in a certain neighborhood is an epidemic in our society right now and it really pisses me off. It's just another symptom of how stupid and selfish we are now.

Back to the psycho bitch...Mountlake Terrace High School is our home field and we play four or five more games there and all of them are sure to run past ten. I'm hoping she becomes a regular feature at our games. It made the game feel legit, we had a heckler and everything. Now we just need some groupies to fight off.

Sarah Silverman hits the nail right on the head. I kind of wish I had Jewish grandparents that lived in Florida right now...


The Great Schlep from The Great Schlep on Vimeo.