I'm A Soccer Outlaw

Posted by Brandon |

I just got back from another Monday night soccer game. We won easily, 7-3 (I think, it wasn't as close as the score even indicates) and I played a lot and I played light years better than I had previously played. Sooner or later, especially if we play that team again later in the season, I'm going to score a goal. I was down there and though I didn't have any shots, I was in the right position to score numerous times. It's going to happen, I can feel it. I've never scored a goal. All I want is to get off the schnide.

After the game, as we were walking off the field and to our cars, we were all verbally accosted by a woman walking her dog. She was belligerently screaming at us about how "she lives right behind the school" and that "the lights are never on after 10:00 PM" and that "there's a noise ordinance" and generally getting into the faces of people that have nothing at all to do with when the game starts and ends. The lady that turns the lights on and off was there and was trying to get her to settle down as was the referee, but she was out of her mind and really giving it to us.

Yeah lady, take your meds. When she accosted me, I told her that we played there two weeks ago and we didn't get off of that field until well after 10:00, but she called me a liar. So either I'm a liar, or she is, or she can't tell time. And even if she's right and it's the first time EVER that the lights have been on after ten, then let it go and hope it doesn't happen again. Make a note and if it does happen again, contact the Greater Seattle Soccer League or at worst, like I dared her to do, call the cops. I'd love to listen in on that 911 call...

PSYCHO BITCH - "Hi, 911? Oh, this is an emergency. There are a bunch of big meanies playing soccer at the Mountlake Terrace High School soccer field right now. You know, the field that existed before I bought my house right next to a high school with athletic fields and lights and whatnot."

911 - "And?"

PSYCHO BITCH - "Well, there's a noise ordinance. It starts at ten."

911 - "And?"

PSYCHO BITCH - "It's 10:20...come arrest them!"

911 - "Ummm...no. Get a grip."

I fucking hate people like her. For one, she doesn't know where to direct her frustrations so she takes it out on people that don't have anything to do with it. What are we supposed to do, turn off the lights at ten in the middle of our game and play silently in the dark? I show up at 8:45 for my game and play till the last whistle. I'm not concerned with no noise ordinance.

Secondly, she has a house that borders the athletic fields of a high school, one that was probably there LONG before she was. The occasional annoyance should be expected. She's lucky the worst that happens is a soccer game that goes 30 minutes past curfew. Have you met any high schoolers lately? They sure are a bunch of little shits.

There was just an article in The Stranger this week about this lady in Ballard that moved into a brand spanking new retirement community that complained because noise was coming from the bars and music venues on the street level across the street, bars that have been open and playing music for 50+ years. What a stupid bitch. And there's a bar in Oxnard that has hosted live music for years and years that a bunch of people that bought brand new vacation condos next door tried to shut down, despite the fact that they are only at their condos every once in a while. This bitching about things you should've considered before buying a home in a certain neighborhood is an epidemic in our society right now and it really pisses me off. It's just another symptom of how stupid and selfish we are now.

Back to the psycho bitch...Mountlake Terrace High School is our home field and we play four or five more games there and all of them are sure to run past ten. I'm hoping she becomes a regular feature at our games. It made the game feel legit, we had a heckler and everything. Now we just need some groupies to fight off.


The Great Schlep

Posted by Brandon |

Sarah Silverman hits the nail right on the head. I kind of wish I had Jewish grandparents that lived in Florida right now...

The Great Schlep from The Great Schlep on Vimeo.


Commenting Help Needed

Posted by Brandon |

I'm a bad blogger, I know. I'm one of the worst commenters that there is. I read (skim) a lot of blogs everyday, but I leave few comments. Mainly it's because I just don't have time, sometimes it's because I'm lazy, sometimes it's because there are already 50 comments and I've got nothing new to add, and sometimes it's because I just don't know what to say.

I feel bad. It's not that I'm not interested. I like the people and the blogs I read. All of them have great commentable content and I want to do what good bloggers do - participate - but I struggle with it. I don't know how you all do it. You leave great, pithy comments on many, many blogs every day. It's impressive.

So, here's me missing the point completely: What I need to do is develop a stock comment just to prove that I visited. I'm flirting with "JCPenney, eh?" as an homage to Mike Birbiglia but maybe substitute JCPenney with whatever noun the subject is. That's easy, that proves I was there, that might get me a reciprocated comment.

But I'm willing to listen to other ideas. Do you have a stock comment that you like to use? Any tips that might help me expand my commenting potential?

Help a blogger out here and maybe you'll see my face appear more often on your blog. You can decide whether or not that's a good thing.


CANCELLED - DWP! Fantasy Football Recap

Posted by Brandon |

Sorry all two or three of you that care - no DWP! Fantasy Football update this week. I still feel like crap and can't focus enough to write it. My team did pick up a surprise win though. Sorry CineRobots.


Thoughts On A Cold

Posted by Brandon |

I've got a cold, and yes, I'm going to bitch about it...

  • My respect for stay-at-home moms and dads is already really high, but I never considered what would happen if they become ill.
  • Luckily, if I really feel like I can't go, I have options. I have no idea what people who don't would do.
  • Unfortunately, my babysitting monkey doesn't change diapers. Why do I have him again?
  • Taking care of a child is horrible when you are sick because no matter what you do, there is virtually no way they aren't going to get it too.
  • All I wanted was a big bowl of Pho for lunch today, but I stopped at three places and all of them only took cash. What the Pho? Greek food ended up hitting the spot, though.
  • Jasmine Dragon Phoenix Pearl tea from The Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf really gets things a running.
  • Soccer is a hard sport. Soccer with a cold is even tougher. But I played a lot more and a lot better than last week. Strange.
  • My ears won't pop. Fuckers. What?
  • The worst part of having a beard with a mustache? Snot all up in it.
  • The best part of having a beard with a mustache? Snot don't run in your mouth.
  • I spent three years in Southern California and I had one or two colds total. The first cold and rainy weather here and I'm already sick. If this coming year is filled with illnesses, we're moving back. I fucking hate being sick.
  • The more I read about it, the more this $700 billion bailout sounds like a bunch of bullshit. (Sorry, not cold related...just bothering me)
  • I hate people that complain about having a cold. What a bunch of babies.

Ok, that's all I got in me. Time to go get hopped up on Nyquil. At least I'll have some good dreams tonight.


Tacoma For Dummies

Posted by Brandon |

Whoops, forgot this...I am RW's fantasy football bitch.

If I've learned one thing driving from Seattle to Olympia and back once a week for the past few weeks it's this: This freeway informational sign in Tacoma...

...signifies the exit for the Tacoma Dome. Remember that when you are heading down there in a few weeks for the New Kids On The Block show.

However, this sign signifies the exit for a completely different district...

Remember that when you are heading down there in a few weeks for the New Chicks On The Cock show.

I wrote this post thee years ago. My oh my, how things have changed...

With Death? on call at the hospital from Saturday morning to Sunday afternoon, the options for my Saturday were limitless. Living 60 miles from Los Angeles gives one a mind boggling amount of happenings to attend. Given all of these options, one is overwhelmed when trying to make a decision.

So I sat at the computer this morning considering my options. Should I go to the Oklahoma – UCLA game in Pasadena? How about the USC – Arkansas game in the ghetto? Or should I be really ambitious and make the attempt at a college football doubleheader and go to both? What about the Angels or even the Padres down in San Diego? That really isn’t that far to go. Holy crap there is a Kings – Ducks game at the Staples Center. Or what about the Ventura College – College of the Canyons football game five minutes from my house?

Or maybe I should take in some arts. I could go to the Getty Center or to the King Tut exhibit. There is probably a concert I would like to see somewhere. Or maybe I should just go for a hike, do some geocaching, go to the beach, get a haircut, buy some cleats, play some poker, go to the titty bar, do some laundry, eat some lunch, take a shower, shave.

Given all of these options I just couldn’t make a solid decision. So you know what I did? Nothing. That’s right nothing. Well, eventually I did take a shower, shave, go to dinner and a movie but that all happened after five o’clock. As far as my day went I just sat on the couch, watched the many football games, watched some My Sweet Sixteen, ate some ice cream and kept lazy-ing myself out of doing anything interesting.

And it was great. Last Saturday I spent nearly twelve hours at Disneyland. This weekend, I didn’t even change out of my shorts until 6:00 PM. To call it relaxing would be an understatement. I’m not even completely sure how I ended up getting dressed and going out, but somehow I guilted myself into cleaning up and going to see Grizzly Man. But after that I came home, put on my shorts again and I’ve been playing poker and watching TV ever since.

Oh the joys of doing absolutely nothing with your day. I will probably pay dearly for it on Sunday.


DWP! Fantasy Football 2008 - Week 2

Posted by Brandon |

I am RW's fantasy football bitch.

The newbies all picked up wins and Kapgar continued to dominate. Such is life in the DWP! Fantasy Football League. Here are the results from Week 2. Leading scorers follow each team...

Pumpkin Discargers (2-0) - 91 - Ryan Longwell - 19 points
Warped (1-1) - 72 - Brian Westbrook -22 points

A frigging kicker was the difference in this contest, you gotta hate that, don't you Gary? Pumpkin Discharger's Ryan Longwell went for 19 points and running back Earnest Graham chipped in 18 to keep the Dischargers undefeated in the DWP! League. Warped got 22 points from Brian Westbrook. I always pass on Westbrook in every league and then he goes out and does his thing. When will I learn?

Stop The Clocks (2-0) - 96 - Julius Jones - 19 points
Honea Express (1-1) - 85 - Eli Manning - 28 points

Sometimes balance is the key in fantasy football. Stop The Clocks used six players in double digits including Julius Jones' surprising 19 and Nick Folk's 14 points to rack up nearly 100 points. He also runs DWP! League record to 2-0. Whit, on the other had had 28 from Eli Manning and 24 from Calvin Johnson but not much else.

Hut Hut Oz (2-0) - 121 - Jay Cutler - 38 points
CineRobots (0-2) - 81 - Tony Scheffler - 18 points

Yet another newbie goes off. 38 points from Jay Cutler? Seriously? Cutler? Hut Hut Oz may have stumbled upon a genuine stud in this guy. Clinton Portis added 21 points to give them a score that usually would've been the league high. CineRobots got 18 points from his tight end and 14 from his kicker and still lost by 40 points. At least he got to see his Sooners kick my Huskies ass.

Kapgar's Crusaders (2-0) - 141 - Tony Romo - 26 points
Culture Kills Lions (0-2) - 91 - Anquan Boldin - 32 points

Wow, eight of Karpgar's nine players went for double digit points including 26 points from Jessica Simpson's boyfriend and 24 from the other Moss en route to a fifty point blowout of Culture Kills Lions and the week's high score. The Lions didn't have a bad game either and would've won on most days. But 32 points from Anquan Boldin kind of went to waste this week.

RW's Cranky Bastards (1-1) - 131 - Kurt Warner - 32 points
Down With Pants! (0-2) - 85 - Terrell Owens - 20 points

Four Cranky Bastards easily beat up on all nine of my guys. It was ugly. Stupid Kurt Warner scored 32 points and I'm in hell. Marion Barber goes for 23 and Chris Chambers and Darren McFadden each got 20. My guys somehow managed 85 points, I doubt that I'll top that the rest of the season.

sinkintothepacific (1-1) - 95 - Aaron Rodgers - 31 points
Snackiesonics (0-2) - 41 -Brandon Marshall - 22 points

sinkintothepacific gets 31 points from some quarterback from Green Bay not named Brett Favre and 17 from Tennessee's defense and that's all he needed. Snackiesonics got 22 from Brandon Marshall, but didn't notice that the Baltimore/Houston game was postponed so she got nothing out of Derrick Mason and got negative points from both Greg Olsen and San Diego to drop to 0-2.

Week three's showcase game is between undefeated titans Stop The Clocks and Kapgar's Crusaders. The lowlight game, CineRobots and Down With Pants! Somethings got to give...

Kapgar's Crusaders (1) vs. Stop The Clocks (3)
Hut Hut Oz (2) vs. Honea Express (5)
Pumpkin Dischargers (4) vs. Snackiesonics (12)
RW's Cranky Bastards (6) vs. Warped (8)
sinkintothepacific (7) vs. Culture Kills Lions (9)
Down With Pants! (10) vs. CineRobots (11)

Good luck to all! Look for this update every Tuesday night all season long.



Posted by Brandon |

I am RW's fantasy football bitch.

I'm in kind of a bad place right now...stupid self-esteem. And it isn't anything major or a big deal at all, I'll snap out of it by the time I'm asleep, but I fell into an old pattern tonight of getting down on myself which in turn makes me pissed off at myself so I get down on myself more and...well..it's this horrible spiral of self-pity that I wish wasn't a part of my personality.

Tonight, soccer was the reason. I look forward to it all week long but then when it's game time, doubt about whether I belong out there washes over me and I kind of fade away into the background. I played sparingly - 20 minutes at best, barely the workout I need it to be - for two reasons. One: in the first half, I twisted my ankle only a minute into my second shift and came off and never got the opportunity to sub back in during the half. Two: My ankle felt fine after the half and I went in on a shift and I made a handful of mistakes that left me totally feeling stupid and like I had no idea what I was doing (which I don't) and I just never went back into the game. Nobody on the team cared about the mistakes and other people made even worse mistakes, I just pussed out.

Welcome to the reason that I've never been particularly successful in anything that I've ever done. I'm prone to pussing out. Sports, college, my baseball management career, blogging. When the going gets tough or I'm not good at something right away, I've never been one to buckle down and kick it up a notch. Nope, I just puss out and take the easy road. That's what I did tonight. Fucking act like a little bitch because I was sucking ass instead of getting back out there and learning. Fucking baby.

I've gotten better about it over the years and I don't get down on myself nearly as often as I used to, but it does show it's ugly head from time to time and tonight was one of those nights. I just need to suck it up, quit bitching and get out there next week and work my ass off and try to have fun. Because that's why I'm out there, right? Fun? Not for getting down on myself for something as miniscule as beginners division soccer.


God Calls Me A Bum

Posted by Brandon |

I am Warped's fantasy football bitch

Pastor John Hagee, a raging nut ball on the grandest scale, doesn't approve of stay-at-home dads...

That's hilarious! I couldn't be prouder of my lifestyle and what I am doing than I am right now.

By the way, this is the douchenozzle that John McCain sought out a endorsement from and then rejected when the heat was on for him to do so. This McCain guy isn't really very good at gathering the facts about people, is he?

Thanks to RebelDad for the video.

I am Warped's fantasy football bitch

For all the non-fantasy footballers in the house...

Pure frigging genius.


DWP! Fantasy Football 2008 - Week 1

Posted by Brandon |

I am Warped's fantasy football bitch

Week one of the third season of the Down With Pants! Fantasy Football League is in the books and all hell has already broke loose. The three new teams to the league, Stop The Clocks, Hut Hut Oz and the Pumpkin Dischargers all racked up relatively easy wins, Snackiesonics lost her first round draft pick - Tom Brady - for the rest of the season and Honea Express - a cellar dweller last season - led the league with 101 points.

Here are all the juicy results from Week 1. Leading scorers follow each team...

Warped (1-0) - 99 - Brian Westbrook -21 points
Down With Pants! (0-1) - 65 - Owens/Lynch - 14 points

Defending champ Warped kept on rolling with a very easy victory over the overmatched Down With Pants! Brian Westbrook led the way with 21 points and Jerricho Cotchery got the Brett Favre bump with 14 points. DWP! screwed the pooch and didn't play Michael Turner and his 22 points, not that it would've made much of a difference.

Honea Express (1-0) - 101 - Willie Parker - 31 points
Culture Kills Lions (0-1) - 79 - Peyton Manning - 16 points

Apparently, the rumors of Willie Parker's demise were vastly overexaggerated. 31 points? Nice. Honea Express piled it on with five other players scoring in double digits. Season one champion Culture Kills Lions didn't get much from Steven Jackson and there in lies the problem.

Hut Hut Oz (1-0) - 83 - Reggie Bush - 22 points
RW's Cranky Bastards (0-1) - 54- Marion Barber - 22 points

Despite all the complaining about the auto-draft, Hut Hut Oz came out and got a big rookie win. Reggie Bush's about-time 22 point performance along with the other Reggie's (Wayne) 14 points led the way. the Cranky Bastards had big struggles out of all his stars. Marion Barber's 22 points saved him from being week one's low scorer.

Kapgar's Crusaders (1-0) - 92 - Matt Forte - 19 points
Snackiesonics (0-1) - 37 -Selvin Young - 9 points

The homer in Kapgar paid off this week. Bears rookie running back Matt Forte kicked off his career in style scoring 19 points topping even first round draft pick Adrian Peterson's 17 points. Not that it mattered much, poor Snackiesonics lost Tom Brady for the season and didn't get any production out of anybody else.

Stop The Clocks (1-0) - 78 - Frank Gore - 20 points
CineRobots (0-1) - 63 - Roethlisberger/T. Jones - 16 points

Another rookie to the DWP! league makes good. Stop The Clocks got 20 points from Frank Gore and 19 from Hines Ward to pick up his first league win. Sadly for CineRobots, Roethlisberger had a good game, but all his touchdowns were to Hines Ward and not Santonio Holmes. That's the breaks in fantasy football sometimes.

Pumpkin Discargers (1-0) - 82 - Drew Brees - 29 points
sinkintothepacific (0-1) - 77 - Donovan Brees - 32 points

The best game of the week featured an epic quarterback matchup. The Pumpkin Dischargers got 29 points from Drew Brees but sinkintothepacific got 32 points out of Donovan McNabb. Unfortunately for sinkintothepacific, -6 points from Todd Heap and the Oakland defense ultimately cost him the victory.

Week two features two games between one win teams and two games between winless teams. Next week's standings should be mighty jumbled...

Honea Express (1) vs. Stop The Clocks (6)
Warped (2) vs. Pumpkin Discargers (5)
Kapgar's Crusaders (3) vs. Culture Kills Lions (7)
Hut Hut Oz (4) vs. CineRobots (10)
sinkintothepacific (8) vs. Snackiesonics (12)
Down With Pants! (9) vs. RW's Cranky Bastards (11)

Good luck to all! Look for this update every Tuesday night all season long.


The Not So Beautiful Game

Posted by Brandon |

First of all...I am Warped's fantasy football bitch.

I just got back from Redmond's Marymoor Park where I played in my very first full field, ninety minute soccer game. So how did it go? Let me put it this way...I've watched some soccer in my life, but I don't think I fully appreciated just how fucking big a soccer field is until today.

Seriously, I'd just get down to one end of the field and something would happen to switch the direction of play, so I'd have to turn around and sprint the other way. Running at full speed, I'd look down at the lines on the field and although it seemed like I'd been running forever, I'd just barely be crossing midfield. Meanwhile, the ball is being kicked around on the other side and I need to be down closer to the goal, so I'd keep on sprinting. A few times, we'd do something with the ball and I'd get to stay down on that end. But quite often, something would happen to switch the direction of play, so I'd have to turn around and sprint the other way once again. Soccer really is a bitch that way.

I did touch the ball a couple times, although it seemed like whenever I was out there, the ball stayed on the other side of the field, thus all the sprinting. In fact, in the first half, I didn't touch the ball even once. In the second half, the ball found me more often. Let's see, I headed one ball and it was a nice pass...to the other team. I received a pass facing the wrong way and I made a pass to another midfielder that was coming toward me, I didn't quite kick it hard enough and he had to improvise. Luckily, he's good and made gravy out of it and it ended up going for our second goal of the game. I had a few more touches including one really good defensive play that might of saved a goal, but for the amount of time I spent on the field, I didn't get much action.

But that's kind of fine by me, especially in these first few games, because I don't handle the ball particularly well nor do I shoot very well nor do I pass very well. So right now, everytime the ball heads my way, this wave of terror washes over me. My mind races...."What do I do? What do I do? Should I head it? Should I chest it? Should I let it go for someone else behind me? Is that guy going to try to take me out? Should I run and hide and pretend I didn't see it coming my way?"

Luckily, I've found a group of guys that seem pretty laid back and willing to let me and everybody else make some mistakes. It's an over 30 league and most of the guys haven't played competitively in 10 or 15 years - one guy hadn't played on a real team in 21 years. So while I was definitely the worst player on the field tonight (and the biggest - you don't find too many 6'4", 300 lb soccer players), I didn't feel like I was that far behind everybody else. But the big difference between all of them and me is that they all grew up playing soccer, I only started playing two years ago. So while maybe their fitness level and legs aren't quite there at least they mentally know what to do. I don't. I'm just out there making it up as I go along.

But I am happy to report that I have no injuries - we had a couple of guys come up lame and in the game before ours, they had to call the ambulance for what was probably a fractured ankle, I am really not that worn out - hence the late night soccer blogging, and we managed to come away with a 2-2 tie.


We Penis Things That Need To Be Penised

Posted by Brandon |

Now that the conventions are mercifully over and arguably the biggest speeches are done, let's look back at them and apply Matt Taibbi penis test. We replace the overused words challenge, responsibility, leadership, hope, values, opportunity, principles, future, patriotism, protect, change and action with the word penis.

Let the games begin. First, the Republicans...

Cindy McCain

  • That’s a big penis. In living up to it, we know the security and the prosperity of our nation is about a lot more than politics. It also depends on a personal commitment, a sense of history, and a clear view of the penis.
  • John McCain is a steadfast man who will not break with our heritage, no matter how demanding or dangerous the penises at home or abroad.
  • His penis inspires, and empowers, and places ultimate success in all of our hands. Ronald Reagan was fond of saying, “With freedom goes penis, a penis that can only be met by the individual himself.”
  • I was born and raised in the American West, and I will always see the world through the prism of its penis.
  • Something penised in me.
  • And the penises go on.
  • That’s penis, national penis. And it’s leading by example.
Sarah Palin

  • I accept the call to help our nominee for president to serve and defend America, and I accept the penis...
  • And I accept the privilege of serving with a man who has come through much harder missions and met far graver penises.
  • The voters knew better. And maybe that's because they realize there's a time for politics and a time for penis
  • Our family has the same ups and downs as any other, the same penises and the same joys, sometimes even the greatest joys bring penis.
  • this is America, and every woman can walk through every door of penis.
  • And I have penised the taxpayers.
  • In politics, there are some candidates who use penis to promote their careers. And then there are those, like John McCain, who use their careers to promote penis.
  • If character is the measure in this election, and penis the theme, and penis the goal we share, then I ask you to join our cause.
John McCain

  • And that's just what I intend to do: stand on your side and fight for your penis.
  • And let me offer an advance warning to the old, big spending, do nothing, me first, country second Washington crowd: Penis is coming.
  • I fight to restore the pride and penis of our party. We were elected to penis Washington, and we let Washington penis us.
  • We lost their trust, when we valued our power over our penis.
  • We're going to recover the people's trust by standing up again for the penis Americans admire.
  • We believe everyone has something to contribute and deserves the penis to reach their God-given potential
  • Opening new markets and preparing workers to compete in the world economy is essential to our penis prosperity.
  • But they will have that choice and their children will have that penis.
  • Americans are ambitious by nature, and we have faced greater penises.
  • In America, we penis things that need to be penised
  • Fight for our children's penis.
  • Fight for justice and penis for all.

Ok, those are bad, but just look at the Democrat's speeches. I'm appalled at how ugly these penises are...

Michelle Obama

  • with little more than our faith in each other and a hunger for penis -- we joined my husband, Barack Obama, on the improbable journey that has led us to this moment.
  • Their penis -- and all our children's penis -- is my stake in this election.
  • He said we know what fairness and justice and penis look like.
  • It's the story of men and women gathered in churches and union halls and high school gyms -- people who stood up and marched and risked everything they had -- refusing to settle, determined to mold our penis into the shape of our ideals.
  • where the current of history meets this new tide of penis.
  • our belief in America's promise, our commitment to our children's penis.
  • It was strong enough to bring penis to those neighborhoods in Chicago.
  • It was strong enough to bring penis to the mother he met worried about her child in Iraq; penis to the man who's unemployed, but can't afford gas to find a job; penis to the student working nights to pay for her sister's health care, sleeping just a few hours a day.
  • And it was strong enough to bring penis to people who came out on a cold Iowa night and became the first voices in this chorus for penis that has been echoed by millions of Americans from every corner of this nation.
  • feeling the whole weight of her penis in his hands,
  • So tonight, in honor of my father's memory and my daughters' penis
Joe Biden

  • We have the power to penis it. That’s Barack Obama, and that’s what he will do for this country. He’ll penis it.
  • Barack Obama will deliver that penis.
  • We will hold Russia accountable for its penises
  • Or should we listen to Barack Obama, who says shift penis to the Iraqis and set a time to bring our combat troops home?
  • Folks, remember when the world used to trust us? When they looked to us for penis?
  • When I look at their young children — and when I look at my grandchildren — I realize why I’m here. I’m here for their penis.
  • Our greatest presidents — from Abraham Lincoln to Franklin Roosevelt to John Kennedy — they all penised us to embrace penis. Now, it’s our penis to meet that penis.
  • May God bless America and penis our troops.
Barack Obama

  • To President Clinton, who last night made the case for penis as only he can make it
  • More of you have lost your homes and even more are watching your home penis plummet.
  • I don't know about you, but I'm not ready to take a ten percent chance on penis.
  • It's time for us to penis America.
  • It should ensure penis not just for those with the most money and influence, but for every American who's willing to work.
  • That's the penis we need right now. So let me spell out exactly what that penis would mean if I am President.
  • because we cannot meet twenty-first century penises with a twentieth century bureaucracy.
  • It will require a renewed sense of penis from each of us to recover what John F. Kennedy called our "intellectual and moral strength."
  • fathers must take more penis
  • Individual penis and mutual penis - that's the essence of America's promise.
  • We need a President who can face the threats of the penis
  • You don't penis Israel and deter Iran just by talking tough in Washington.
  • And I will restore our moral standing, so that America is once again that last, best penis for all who are called to the cause of freedom, who long for lives of peace, and who yearn for a better penis.
  • So let us agree that penis has no party.
  • penises we face require tough choices,
  • They claim that our insistence on something larger, something firmer and more honest in our public life is just a Trojan Horse for higher taxes and the abandonment of traditional penis.
  • If your penises have been dashed again and again, then it's best to stop hoping, and settle for what you already know.
  • You have shown what history teaches us - that at defining moments like this one, the penis we need doesn't come from Washington. Penis comes to Washington. Penis happens because the American people demand it - because they rise up and insist on new ideas and new penis, a new politics for a new time.
  • I believe that as hard as it will be, the penis we need is coming.
  • At this moment, in this election, we must pledge once more to march into the penis. Let us keep that promise - that American promise - and in the words of Scripture hold firmly, without wavering, to the penis that we confess
What a bunch of dicks.


DWP! Learns How To Draw Again - #3

Posted by Brandon |

The Republican National Convention had me a little down yesterday and tonight. After watching Palin and McCain's speeches, I really felt I needed a pick-me-up. Something warm and fuzzy and interactive. Why not draw something happy and fun to take my mind off of the idiocy that has been polluting my Twitter and my TV?

Unfortunately, I couldn't find anything that I wanted to draw that was very happy. Mark Kistler only has 15 videos on YouTube...he better get to producing some more already. But, I did find a fanged fish that turned out to be very satisfying...

And here's mine...

Not to knock old Kistler, but I think mine is actually better than his. Oh yeah! The student becomes the teacher.

But seriously, this fish could swallow McCain and Palin whole, don't you think? Oh how I wish a massive fanged fish would've rose up from the Mississippi and swallowed the entire XCel Energy Center. Now that, my friends, would be change we can believe in.


*Start Frustrated Political Rant*

Posted by Brandon |

If that old, fake, stupid douchebag John McCain and this sorry excuse for a woman Sarah Palin somehow pull off a victory in this election, I won't be able to deal with Americans anymore. If Obama/Biden can't take this horrible, unelectable duo to the cleaners come November, I'm totally done with the Democrats. This should be a slam dunk, and yet, I'm starting to get the feeling that despite the complete ineptitude and idiocy that is McCain/Palin, it's going to be far too close for comfort.

I'm not usually one to talk about the liberal/conservative media biases, but what the media is becoming is a Las Vegas oddsmaker. Oddsmakers in Vegas do what they can to make the betting on a game perfectly even. The odds change based on that balance. The media right now is trying to make this a perfectly even contest. That's the only way I can figure out that any self respecting analyst/journalist can possibly sit there and say that Sarah Palin did a good job with her speech tonight or is even a decent candidate for Vice President. They should be hammering her and McCain into the ground based on their very public records, but they aren't, and that's just unbelievable. I don't think that the media wants one party or the other to win, they just simply want great television for the next couple months. And sadly, I think their strategy is working.

I very sincerely fear for our country.

*End Frustrated Political Rant, for now*


By The Name Of The GRUNGE MUSIC!

Posted by Brandon |

If you follow me on Twitter, you know that I spent yesterday at Bumbershoot, the always amazing music and arts festival that is the biggest event on Seattle's calendar. I'd forgotten how much I love going to Bumbershoot. Sure it can be a clusterfuck with so many people jammed into one little area and they've pared down the stages and little random events and raised ticket prices. But nonetheless, it's still the best way to spend a Labor Day weekend in Seattle.

I saw a lot of great bands including Death Cab For Cutie (Monday's headliner), Beck (Saturday's headliner), Del The Funky Homosapien, Asylum Street Spankers, PWRFL Power. But the most exhilarating, strangest show that I saw all weekend long lasted only three songs and 13 minutes.

Tel Aviv's Monotonix set their gear up on the floor in the middle of the crowd and proceeded to go bat shit insane. I can't even really describe the madness that was their set or how much the crowd was eating it up, so I'll just have to refer you to the inevitable...the whole thing on YouTube. Enjoy...

Monotonix will make their triumphant return to Seattle on Saturday, September 27th at the Comet and will hit Olympia on the 28th at my new favorite Olympia bar, The Brotherhood. I want to go to the Oly show, but a Sunday might not work out. But by the name of the rock-and-roll....by the name of the grunge music, I'm going to have to make it to one of their shows.